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		<title>THE OLD PHONE ON THE WALL</title>
		<link>http://avidtravellerz.wordpress.com/2011/01/19/the-old-phone-on-the-wall/</link>
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		<pubDate>Wed, 19 Jan 2011 11:12:07 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>avidtravellerz</dc:creator>
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		<description><![CDATA[THE OLD PHONE ON THE WALL When I was a young boy, my father had one of the first telephones in our neighborhood.. I remember the polished, old case fastened to the wall. The shiny receiver hung on the side of the box. I was too little to reach the telephone, but used to listen [...]<img alt="" border="0" src="http://stats.wordpress.com/b.gif?host=avidtravellerz.wordpress.com&amp;blog=8543257&amp;post=68&amp;subd=avidtravellerz&amp;ref=&amp;feed=1" width="1" height="1" />]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<div id="post_37239619">
<p><strong>THE OLD PHONE ON THE WALL</strong></p>
<p><strong>When I was a young boy, my father had one of the first telephones in our neighborhood.. I remember the polished, old case fastened to the wall. The shiny receiver hung on the side of the box. I was too little to reach the telephone, but used to listen with fascination when my mother talked to it.</strong></p>
<p><strong>Then I discovered that somewhere inside the wonderful device lived an amazing person. Her name was &#8220;Information Please&#8221; and there was nothing she did not know. Information Please could supply anyone&#8217;s number and the correct time.</strong></p>
<p><strong>My personal experience with the genie-in-a-bottle came one day while my mother was visiting a neighbor&#8230; Amusing myself at the tool bench in the basement, I whacked my finger with a hammer, the pain was terrible, but there seemed no point in crying because there was no one home to give sympathy.</strong></p>
<p><strong> </strong></p>
<p><strong>I walked around the house sucking my throbbing finger, finally arriving at the stairway. The telephone! Quickly, I ran for the footstool in the parlor and dragged it to the landing. Climbing up, I unhooked the receiver in the parlor and held it to my ear.</strong></p>
<p><strong>&#8220;Information, please&#8221; I said into the</strong></p>
<p><strong>mouthpiece just above my head.</strong></p>
<p><strong> </strong></p>
<p><strong>A click or two and a small clear voice spoke into my ear.</strong></p>
<p><strong> &#8220;Information.&#8221;</strong></p>
<p><strong> </strong></p>
<p><strong>&#8220;I hurt my finger&#8230;&#8221; I wailed into the phone, the tears came readily enough</strong></p>
<p><strong>now that I had an audience.</strong></p>
<p><strong>&#8220;Isn&#8217;t your mother home?&#8221; came the question.</strong></p>
<p><strong>&#8220;Nobody&#8217;s home but me,&#8221; I blubbered.</strong></p>
<p><strong>&#8220;Are you bleeding?&#8221; the voice asked.</strong></p>
<p><strong>&#8220;No,&#8221;</strong></p>
<p><strong>I replied. &#8220;I hit my finger with the hammer and it hurts.&#8221;</strong></p>
<p><strong>&#8220;Can you open the icebox?&#8221; she asked.</strong></p>
<p><strong> </strong></p>
<p><strong>I said I could.</strong></p>
<p><strong>&#8220;Then chip off a little bit of ice and hold it to your finger,&#8221; said the voice..</strong></p>
<p><strong> </strong></p>
<p><strong>After that, I called &#8220;Information Please&#8221; for everything.. I asked her for</strong></p>
<p><strong>help with my geography, and she told me where Philadelphia was. She helped me with my math.</strong></p>
<p><strong>She told me my pet chipmunk that I had caught in the park just the day before, would eat fruit and nuts.</strong></p>
<p><strong>Then, there was the time Petey, our pet canary, died. I called,</strong></p>
<p><strong>Information Please,&#8221; and told her the sad story. She listened, and then said things grown-ups say to soothe a child. But I was not consoled. I asked her, &#8220;Why is it that birds should sing so beautifully and bring joy to all families, only to end up as a heap of feathers on the bottom of a cage?&#8221;</strong></p>
<p><strong> </strong></p>
<p><strong>She must have sensed my deep concern, for she said quietly, &#8221; Wayne , always remember that there are other worlds to sing in.&#8221;</strong></p>
<p><strong>Somehow I felt better.</strong></p>
<p><strong>Another day I was on the telephone, &#8220;Information Please.&#8221;</strong></p>
<p><strong> </strong></p>
<p><strong>&#8220;Information,&#8221; said in the now familiar voice. &#8220;How do I spell fix?&#8221;</strong></p>
<p><strong>I asked.</strong></p>
<p><strong>All this took place in a small town in the Pacific Northwest . When I was nine years old, we moved across the country to Boston . I missed my friend very much.</strong></p>
<p><strong>&#8220;Information Please&#8221; belonged in that old wooden box back home and I</strong></p>
<p><strong>somehow never thought of trying the shiny new phone that sat on the table in the hall. As I grew into my teens, the memories of those childhood conversations never really left me..</strong></p>
<p><strong>Often, in moments of doubt and perplexity I would recall the serene sense of security I had then. I appreciated now how patient, understanding, and kind she was to have spent her time on a little boy.</strong></p>
<p><strong>A few years later, on my way west to college, my plane put down in Seattle . I had about a half-hour or so between planes. I spent 15 minutes or so on the phone with my sister, who lived there now. Then without thinking what I was doing, I dialed my hometown operator and said, &#8220;Information Please.&#8221;</strong></p>
<p><strong> </strong></p>
<p><strong>Miraculously, I heard the small, clear voice I knew so well.</strong></p>
<p><strong> </strong></p>
<p><strong>&#8220;Information.&#8221;</strong></p>
<p><strong> </strong></p>
<p><strong>I hadn&#8217;t planned this, but I heard myself saying,</strong></p>
<p><strong>&#8220;Could you please tell me how to spell fix?&#8221;</strong></p>
<p><strong> </strong></p>
<p><strong>There was a long pause. Then came the soft spoken answer, &#8220;I guess your finger must have healed by now&#8230;&#8221;</strong></p>
<p><strong> I laughed, &#8220;So it&#8217;s really you,&#8221; I said. &#8220;I wonder if you have any</strong></p>
<p><strong>idea how much you meant to me during that time?&#8221;</strong></p>
<p><strong> </strong></p>
<p><strong>I wonder,&#8221; she said, &#8220;if you know how much your call meant to me.</strong></p>
<p><strong> </strong></p>
<p><strong>I never had any children and I used to look forward to your calls.&#8221;</strong></p>
<p><strong>I told her how often I had thought of her over the years and I asked if I could call her again when I came back to visit my sister.</strong></p>
<p><strong>&#8220;Please do&#8221;, she said. &#8220;Just ask for Sally.&#8221;</strong></p>
<p><strong>Three months later I was back in Seattle .  A different voice answered,</strong></p>
<p><strong> &#8220;Information.&#8221;</strong></p>
<p><strong>I asked for Sally.</strong></p>
<p><strong> </strong></p>
<p><strong>&#8220;Are you a friend?&#8221; she said.</strong></p>
<p><strong> </strong></p>
<p><strong>&#8220;Yes, a very old friend,&#8221; I answered.</strong></p>
<p><strong>&#8221; I&#8217;m sorry to have to tell you this,&#8221; She said. &#8220;Sally had been working part time the last few yearsbecause she was sick. She died five weeks ago.&#8221;</strong></p>
<p><strong> </strong></p>
<p><strong>Before I could hang up, she said, &#8220;</strong></p>
<p><strong>Wait a minute, did you say your name was Wayne ?&#8221; &#8220;</strong></p>
<p><strong>Yes.&#8221; I answered.</strong></p>
<p><strong> </strong></p>
<p><strong>&#8220;Well, Sally left a message for you.</strong></p>
<p><strong>She wrote it down in case you called.</strong></p>
<p><strong>Let me read it to you&#8230;&#8221;</strong></p>
<p><strong>The note said,</strong></p>
<p><strong>&#8220;Tell him there are other worlds to sing in.</strong></p>
<p><strong>He&#8217;ll know what I mean..&#8221;</strong></p>
<p><strong>I thanked her and hung up. I knew what Sally meant&#8230;..</strong></p>
<p><strong>That day I learnt&#8230;..</strong></p>
<p><strong>Never underestimate the impression you may make on others..</strong></p>
<p><strong> </strong></p>
<p><strong>Whose life have you touched today?</strong></p>
<p><strong> </strong></p>
<p>And&#8230;.﻿<strong>﻿</strong><strong>﻿</strong><strong>﻿</strong></p>
<p><strong> </strong></p>
<p><strong>Life is a journey&#8230; NOT a guided tour.</strong></p>
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		<title>The Canonical List of Funny Definitions</title>
		<link>http://avidtravellerz.wordpress.com/2010/10/13/the-canonical-list-of-funny-definitions/</link>
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		<pubDate>Wed, 13 Oct 2010 15:35:13 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>avidtravellerz</dc:creator>
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		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://avidtravellerz.wordpress.com/?p=65</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[aaack &#8211; utterance upon running face first into a spider web and realizing that you don&#8217;t know where the spider is now aardvark - 1 the honest way to make money 2 strenuous labor abalone &#8211; shellfish nonsense abash &#8211; a great party abdomen &#8211; [Med.] &#60;Ambrose Bierce&#62; the temple of the god Stomach, in whose worship, [...]<img alt="" border="0" src="http://stats.wordpress.com/b.gif?host=avidtravellerz.wordpress.com&amp;blog=8543257&amp;post=65&amp;subd=avidtravellerz&amp;ref=&amp;feed=1" width="1" height="1" />]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p><strong>aaack</strong> &#8211; utterance upon running face first into a spider web and realizing that you don&#8217;t know where the spider is now<br />
<strong>aardvark</strong> - <strong>1</strong> the honest way to make money <strong>2</strong> strenuous labor<br />
<strong>abalone</strong> &#8211; shellfish nonsense<br />
<strong>abash</strong> &#8211; a great party<br />
<strong>abdomen</strong> &#8211; [Med.] &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; the temple of the god Stomach, in whose worship, with sacrificial rights, all true men engage<br />
<strong>abdominal</strong> &#8211; [Med.] legendary snowman<br />
<strong>ability</strong> &#8211; the virtue you are forced to use if your boss has no daughter<br />
<strong>abnormal</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; not conforming to standard. In matters of thought and conduct, to be independent is to be abnormal, to be abnormal is to be detested.<br />
<strong>abominable</strong> &#8211; what you have when a male bovine swallows dynamite<br />
<strong>abort</strong> &#8211; to correct a misconception<br />
<strong>abortion</strong> &#8211; love&#8217;s labor lost<br />
<strong>absent</strong> - <strong>1</strong> exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed; slandered <strong>2</strong> [Academia] the notation generally following your name in a class record<br />
<strong>absentee</strong> &#8211; a missing golfing accessory<br />
<strong>abstainer</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure<br />
<strong>abstract logic</strong> - <strong>1</strong> see definition two <strong>2</strong> see definition one<br />
<strong>absurdity</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; a statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one&#8217;s own opinion<br />
<strong>abundance</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a local hop usually staged in the barn <strong>2</strong> a baker&#8217;s jig <strong>3</strong> a ball in a bakery<br />
<strong>Acapulco</strong> &#8211; [Music] music sung without accompaniment<br />
<strong>acceptance testing</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] an unsuccessful attempt to find bugs<br />
<strong>access time</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] usually large in computer sense, small or negative in defined sense<br />
<strong>accident</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a thing that is caused by people, but often causes people <strong>2</strong> when presence of mind is good, but absence of body is better<br />
<strong>acclaim</strong> &#8211; something a good insurance agent knows how to handle<br />
<strong>accordion</strong> &#8211; a pleated bagpipe<br />
<strong>accountability</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; the mother of caution<br />
<strong>accountant</strong> &#8211; [Econ.] <strong>1</strong> a person who feels good when things are looking black <strong>2</strong> one who uses your books to figure his profit <strong>3</strong> one who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing <strong>4</strong> a person you hire to explain why you didn&#8217;t make the money you&#8217;re sure you did<br />
<strong>accountant, good</strong> &#8211; [Econ.] someone with a loophole named after them<br />
<strong>accrue</strong> &#8211; people who work on a ship<br />
<strong>accumulate</strong> &#8211; colloquial way of inquiring about tardiness<br />
<strong>accumulator</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] the part of a computer that compiles or accumulates numbers for use by the computer, as, for example, the price tag<br />
<strong>accuracy</strong> &#8211; the vice of being right<br />
<strong>acetone</strong> - <strong>1</strong> that&#8217;s the sound when you pick up the phone <strong>2</strong> something done in exercise class<br />
<strong>achievement</strong> &#8211; the end of doing and the beginning of bragging<br />
<strong>acid</strong> &#8211; better living through chemistry<br />
<strong>acme</strong> - <strong>1</strong> pimples with the apex pointing inward <strong>2</strong> a generic skin disease<br />
<strong>acorn</strong> &#8211; an oak in a nutshell<br />
<strong>acoustic</strong> &#8211; an instrument used in shooting pool<br />
<strong>acquaintance</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; someone we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to<br />
<strong>acquit</strong> &#8211; I&#8217;ve had enough<br />
<strong>acre</strong> &#8211; literally means the amount of land plowable in one day. So in my case it would be four feet by four feet.<br />
<strong>acrimony</strong> &#8211; payments made on a bad divorce<br />
<strong>actor</strong> &#8211; someone who tries to be everything but himself<br />
<strong>acting</strong> &#8211; an art that consists of keeping the audience from coughing<br />
<strong>activation energy</strong> &#8211; the useful energy available in one cup of coffee<br />
<strong>actuary</strong> &#8211; someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, as that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane<br />
<strong>acupuncture</strong> &#8211; a jab well done<br />
<strong>acute</strong> &#8211; opposite of an ugly<br />
<strong>acute alcoholic</strong> &#8211; an attractive drunk<br />
<strong>adamant</strong> &#8211; the very first insect<br />
<strong>adapt</strong> &#8211; a student who is good at arithmetic<br />
<strong>adaptable</strong> &#8211; [Emp.] I&#8217;ve changed jobs a lot<br />
<strong>address</strong> &#8211; attire worn by some females<br />
<strong>adenoid</strong> &#8211; [Med.] Domino&#8217;s Pizza character<br />
<strong>adenoma</strong> &#8211; [Med.] what you say to your mother when you don&#8217;t know the answer<br />
<strong>administer</strong> &#8211; to increase clergy<br />
<strong>admiration</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; our polite recognition of another&#8217;s resemblance to ourselves<br />
<strong>admissions office</strong> &#8211; [Academia] where they take you to get you to admit that it was you who mooned the keynote speaker during &#8220;new student weekend&#8221;<br />
<strong>adolescence</strong> - <strong>1</strong> the age between puberty and adultery <strong>2</strong> that period when a boy refuses to believe that someday he&#8217;ll be as stupid as his father<br />
<strong>adorable</strong> &#8211; what you ring when you go visiting<br />
<strong>adorn</strong> &#8211; what comes after the darkest hour<br />
<strong>adult</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle <strong>2</strong> one old enough to know better<br />
<strong>adultery</strong> - <strong>1</strong> putting yourself in someone else&#8217;s position <strong>2</strong> the wrong people doing the right thing <strong>3</strong> when a spouse is too good to be true <strong>4</strong> a pathological condition afflicting those over 30 <strong>5</strong> when grown people act like children<br />
<strong>adult film</strong> &#8211; a film viewed by people over 30 with a cast of 25-year-olds doing what 18-year-olds do, with a plot for a 6-year-old<br />
<strong>advanced design</strong> &#8211; [Ad.] upper management doesn&#8217;t understand it<br />
<strong>adventure</strong> &#8211; somewhere between entertainment and panic<br />
<strong>adventurous</strong> &#8211; [Pers.] has had more partners than you ever will<br />
<strong>advertisement</strong> - <strong>1</strong> something that makes you think you&#8217;ve longed for it for years, but never heard of it before <strong>2</strong> &lt;Thomas Jefferson&gt; the most truthful part of a newspaper<br />
<strong>advertising</strong> - <strong>1</strong> the science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it <strong>2</strong> &lt;Will Rogers&gt; the art of convincing people to spend money they don&#8217;t have for something they don&#8217;t need<br />
<strong>Advil</strong> &#8211; used to hammer things on<br />
<strong>aerobe</strong> &#8211; [Med.] a garment worn around the house<br />
<strong>aerobics</strong> &#8211; a form of cruel punishment of the body for what it hasn&#8217;t done<br />
<strong>affectionate</strong> &#8211; [Pers.] possessive<br />
<strong>affianced</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; fitted with an ankle-ring for the ball-and-chain<br />
<strong>A-Flat</strong> &#8211; [Music] a cheap residence<br />
<strong>A-flat minor</strong> &#8211; result of a piano falling on a child<br />
<strong>afterbirth</strong> &#8211; [Par.] when the hard part begins<br />
<strong>after dinner mint</strong> &#8211; funds required upon receipt of check<br />
<strong>aftermath</strong> &#8211; [Academia] period following algebra<br />
<strong>afternoon</strong> &#8211; that part of the day we spent worrying about how one wasted the morning<br />
<strong>agent</strong> &#8211; a well-mannered man<br />
<strong>agoraphobia</strong> &#8211; [Med.] morbid fear of bullfights<br />
<strong>aim</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; the task we set our wishes to<br />
<strong>air</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; a nutritious substance supplied by a bountiful Providence for the fattening of the poor<br />
<strong>air compressor</strong> &#8211; a machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Abingdon, Oxfordshire, and rounds them off<br />
<strong>airfoil</strong> &#8211; [Aviation] used by those creating a home perm<br />
<strong>airhead</strong> &#8211; [female-specific] what a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.<br />
<strong>air pollution</strong> &#8211; mist demeanor<br />
<strong>airplane</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a lot of parts flying in close formation <strong>2</strong> [Par.] something imitated in order to get a 1-year-old to eat strained beets<br />
<strong>airspeed</strong> &#8211; [Aviation] speed of an airplane. Deduct 25% when listening to a Navy pilot.<br />
<strong>air traffic control</strong> &#8211; [Aviation] a game played by airline pilots and air traffic controllers. The game has no rules, and neither side knows how it is played, but the goal is to prevent flights from arriving in time for passengers to make connecting flights<br />
<strong>air travel</strong> &#8211; [Aviation] breakfast in London, dinner in New York, luggage in Brazil<br />
<strong>alarm clock</strong> - <strong>1</strong> device meant to scare the living daylights into people without children <strong>2</strong> something that makes people rise and whine<br />
<strong>alarms</strong> &#8211; what an octopus is<br />
<strong>alas</strong> &#8211; early Victorian for &#8220;Oh, Hell&#8221;<br />
<strong>Alaska</strong> &#8211; a prelude to &#8220;No.&#8221;<br />
<strong>alcoholic</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a person who drinks more than his physician <strong>2</strong> someone you don&#8217;t like who drinks as much as you do<br />
<strong>alehouse</strong> &#8211; a hospital<br />
<strong>algebra</strong> &#8211; what the Little Mermaid wears<br />
<strong>algorithm</strong> - <strong>1</strong> Bill Clinton&#8217;s Vice President attempting to sing doo-wop <strong>2</strong> a trendy dance for hip programmers or mathematicians<br />
<strong>alien</strong> &#8211; [Par.] what Mom would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself<br />
<strong>alienate</strong> &#8211; what the space creature did in a restaurant<br />
<strong>alimentary</strong> &#8211; [Med.] what Holmes said to Watson<br />
<strong>alimony</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a mistake by two people paid for by one <strong>2</strong> the high cost of leaving <strong>3</strong> the fee a woman charges for name-dropping <strong>4</strong> bye now, pay later <strong>5</strong> bounty after the mutiny <strong>6</strong> the billing without the cooing <strong>7</strong> the screwing you get for the screwing you got <strong>8</strong> &lt;H. L. Mencken&gt; the ransom the happy pay to the devil <strong>9</strong> having an ex one can bank on<br />
<strong>all</strong> &#8211; [Southern U.S.] a petroleum-based lubricant<br />
<strong>Allah</strong> &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; the Mahometan Supreme Being, as distinguished from the Christian, Jewish, and so forth<br />
<strong>allege</strong> &#8211; a high rock shelf<br />
<strong>allegro</strong> &#8211; [Music] a little car<br />
<strong>all new</strong> &#8211; [Ad.] the software is not compatible with previous versions<br />
<strong>allure</strong> &#8211; something used to catch fish<br />
<strong>aloha</strong> &#8211; reduce volume: <em>please speak in </em>aloha<em> voice</em><br />
<strong>alone</strong> - <strong>1</strong> what you wish the bank would leave you <strong>2</strong> in good company<br />
<strong>aloof</strong> &#8211; the top of a Chinese house<br />
<strong>alp</strong> &#8211; European skier&#8217;s shout for assistance<br />
<strong>alphabet</strong> - <strong>1</strong> not quite the complete wager <strong>2</strong> the most aggressive wager on the table<br />
<strong>altar</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; the place whereupon the priest formerly raveled out the small intestine of the sacrificial victim for purposes of divination and cooked its flesh for the gods. The word is now seldom used, except with reference to the sacrifice of their liberty and peace by a male and a female tool.<br />
<strong>alter ego</strong> &#8211; a narcissistic priest<br />
<strong>alternating current</strong> &#8211; bi-sexual electrons<br />
<strong>alto</strong> &#8211; [Music] a person afraid of heights<br />
<strong>altos</strong> &#8211; [Music] not to be confused with &#8220;Tom&#8217;s toes,&#8221; &#8220;Bubba&#8217;s toes&#8221; or &#8220;dori-toes&#8221;<br />
<strong>amateur hour</strong> &#8211; that 60 minutes after the bars close<br />
<strong>ambassador</strong> &#8211; &lt;Sir Henry Wotton&gt; an honest man sent to lie abroad for the good of his country<br />
<strong>ambidexter</strong> &#8211; a person who doesn&#8217;t let the right hand know what the left hand is doing<br />
<strong>ambidextrous</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left<br />
<strong>ambiguity</strong> - <strong>1</strong> the lack of clarity in speech&#8211;or something like that <strong>2</strong> the language of politics and statesmanship <strong>3</strong> telling the truth when you don&#8217;t mean to<br />
<strong>ambition</strong> &#8211; a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy<br />
<strong>AMC Pacer</strong> &#8211; world&#8217;s largest fishbowl<br />
<strong>Amen</strong> - <strong>1</strong> the only part of a prayer that everyone knows <strong>2</strong> the word most often uttered by a nun before going to bed and she is really saying &#8220;Ahhhh&#8230; men&#8230;&#8221;<br />
<strong>amenable</strong> &#8211; a prayer<br />
<strong>amenities</strong> &#8211; [Travel] two chocolates, two shower caps; usu. preceded by &#8220;all the&#8221;<br />
<strong>America</strong> - <strong>1</strong> one nation, under God, with liberty, large fries, and a Coke<sup>®</sup> to go <strong>2</strong> a country so rich we have the best politicians money can buy<br />
<strong>amicable divorces</strong> &#8211; civil rites<br />
<strong>amidships</strong> &#8211; [Naut.] a condition of being surrounded by boats<br />
<strong>amiss</strong> &#8211; as good as her smile<br />
<strong>amidst</strong> &#8211; thick fog<br />
<strong>amnesia</strong> &#8211; condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to make love again<br />
<strong>amniocentesis</strong> &#8211; [Med.] seedling needling<br />
<strong>anaerobic</strong> &#8211; unwilling to exercise<br />
<strong>anally</strong> &#8211; [Med.] occurring yearly<br />
<strong>analog</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] hors d&#8217;oeuvre, usually made from cheese and covered with crushed nuts<br />
<strong>anarchy</strong> &#8211; such a good idea, it should be the law<br />
<strong>anatomy</strong> &#8211; [Med.] college class that sounds vaguely risqué until you find out what it really involves<br />
<strong>anchor</strong> &#8211; [Naut.] a device designed to bring up mud samples from the bottom at inopportune or unexpected times<br />
<strong>anesthetic</strong> &#8211; [Med.] <strong>1</strong> the painkiller that crazy women refuse during labor <strong>2</strong> not pretty<br />
<strong>anger</strong> &#8211; &lt;Horace&gt; momentary madness<br />
<strong>angle of attack</strong> &#8211; [Aviation] pick-up lines that pilots use<br />
<strong>angst</strong> &#8211; a form of suffering caused by too much thinking; a phenomenon probably incomprehensible to anyone who owns an SUV<br />
<strong>anno domini (AD)</strong> &#8211; no more dominoes<br />
<strong>annoying</strong> &#8211; two people who go right on talking when you&#8217;re interrupting<br />
<strong>anorexia</strong> &#8211; phobia of people of royal birth<br />
<strong>answer</strong> &#8211; what everybody is still looking for<br />
<strong>antacid</strong> - <strong>1</strong> hallucinogenic drugs used by little bugs <strong>2</strong> uncle Acid&#8217;s wife<br />
<strong>antecedent</strong> &#8211; angry relative after you wrecked her car<br />
<strong>antelope</strong> - <strong>1</strong> why Grandpa won&#8217;t forgive Uncle <strong>2</strong> type of family scandal<br />
<strong>ante merediem</strong> &#8211; that&#8217;s why he&#8217;s my Uncle<br />
<strong>antepartum</strong> &#8211; [Med.] when your father&#8217;s sister goes home<br />
<strong>antibody</strong> &#8211; [Med.] against everyone<br />
<strong>anti-climax</strong> &#8211; a bore-gasm<br />
<strong>antidepressant</strong> &#8211; [Med.] whatever is causing the unwarranted optimism about your dead end job<br />
<strong>antidote</strong> &#8211; [Med.] the reason Mom&#8217;s sister keeps hugging you every time she can catch you<br />
<strong>antifreeze</strong> &#8211; when you don&#8217;t talk to your uncle&#8217;s wife<br />
<strong>antiphony</strong> &#8211; [Music] <strong>1</strong> a piece played by a elementary school orchestra <strong>2</strong> not a liar<br />
<strong>antiquarian</strong> &#8211; an ant born between Jan. 21 and Feb. 23<br />
<strong>antique shop</strong> &#8211; a business establishment where the sale items are very old and the prices are very modern<br />
<strong>antisocial</strong> &#8211; [Med.] Mother&#8217;s sister being friendly<br />
<strong>antithesis</strong> &#8211; the force that causes students to put off writing that ten-page paper until the night before<br />
<strong>antonym</strong> &#8211; the opposite of the word you are trying to think of<br />
<strong>ants</strong> &#8211; people who marry uncles<br />
<strong>anus</strong> &#8211; [Med.] Latin for &#8220;yearly&#8221;<br />
<a name="anxiety"></a><strong>anxiety</strong> - <strong>1</strong> &#8220;The IRS is on line one, Mr. Milken&#8221; <strong>2</strong> Nature&#8217;s way of getting you up mornings <strong>3</strong> the first time you can&#8217;t do it a second time; cf. <a href="http://www.opusforfour.com/definitions.html#panic">panic</a><br />
<strong>apex</strong> &#8211; former spouse of a gorilla<br />
<strong>aphrodisiac</strong> &#8211; an African disc jockey<br />
<strong>apologetics</strong> &#8211; [Philos.] why you&#8217;re wrong<br />
<strong><em>a posteriori</em></strong> &#8211; [Philos.] having seen who won, I can assure you I was on that side all the time<br />
<strong>apparent</strong> &#8211; a large, old, bossy person who tortures youths, i.e., one&#8217;s mother or father<br />
<strong>appeal</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; in law, to put the dice into the box for another throw<br />
<strong>appeaser</strong> &#8211; &lt;Winston Churchill&gt; one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last<br />
<strong>appellate</strong> &#8211; something fed to hamsters<br />
<strong>appendix</strong> &#8211; [Med.] a portion of a book, for which nobody yet has discovered any use<br />
<strong>appetite</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; an instinct thoughtfully implanted by Providence as a solution to the labor question<br />
<strong>appetizing</strong> &#8211; anything advertised on TV<br />
<strong>Apple</strong> &#8211; /Arrogance Products Profit-Losing Entity/ [Comput.]<br />
<strong>apple</strong> &#8211; [Par.] nutritious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes<br />
<strong>apply in person</strong> &#8211; [Emp.] if you&#8217;re old, fat or ugly you&#8217;ll be told the position has been filled<br />
<strong>approbation</strong> &#8211; a fear of early release from prison<br />
<strong>apricot</strong> &#8211; where a baby gorilla sleeps<br />
<strong>April fool</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; a March fool with another month added to his folly<br />
<strong><em>a priori</em></strong> &#8211; [Philos.] we&#8217;ll just assume that I am right<br />
<strong>aquarium</strong> &#8211; interactive television for cats<br />
<strong>aqueous humor</strong> &#8211; [Med.] joke about swimming<br />
<strong>Arab coffee</strong> &#8211; [Culin.] thick, black, bitter coffee, traditionally served in tiny cups at gunpoint, or found in graduate student&#8217;s offices<br />
<strong>arbitrator</strong> &#8211; a cook that leaves Arby&#8217;s to work at Burger King<br />
<strong>arcade</strong> &#8211; a drink similar to lemonade, served on Noah&#8217;s Ark<br />
<strong>archaeologist</strong> - <strong>1</strong> ghoul with credentials <strong>2</strong> person whose career lies in ruins<br />
<strong>archaic</strong> &#8211; what we eat after ar dinner<br />
<strong>archer</strong> &#8211; someone who always cheers for the Indians in a movie<br />
<strong>architect</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; one who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft of your money<br />
<strong>archive</strong> &#8211; place used by Noah to store bees<br />
<strong>argument</strong> &#8211; [female-specific] a discussion that occurs when you&#8217;re right, but he just hasn&#8217;t realized it yet.<br />
<strong>arithmetic</strong> - <strong>1</strong> being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes <strong>2</strong> an obscure art no longer practiced in the world&#8217;s developed countries<br />
<strong>armadillo</strong> - <strong>1</strong> possum on the half-shell <strong>2</strong> a Texas speed bump <strong>3</strong> to provide weapons to a Spanish pickle<br />
<strong>army food</strong> &#8211; the spoils of war<br />
<strong>aroma</strong> &#8211; a whisper heard by the nose<br />
<strong>aromatic</strong> &#8211; an automatic longbow<br />
<strong>arpeggio</strong> &#8211; [Music] a storybook character whose nose grows when he lies<br />
<strong>array</strong> &#8211; what comes out of Buck Roger&#8217;s gun<br />
<strong>arrays</strong> &#8211; what you demand from your boss<br />
<strong>arrears</strong> &#8211; our two organs of hearing<br />
<strong>arresting gear</strong> &#8211; [Aviation] a policeman&#8217;s equipment<br />
<strong>arson</strong> &#8211; not ar daughter<br />
<strong>arsonist</strong> &#8211; a person with an unquenched burning desire<br />
<strong>art</strong> &#8211; a creative work which inspires an emotional reaction, usually, &#8220;what flew into your wall?&#8221;<br />
<strong>arterial</strong> &#8211; [Med.] brushes, paint, canvas, etc.<br />
<strong>artery</strong> &#8211; [Med.] <strong>1</strong> a gallery where one goes to admire paintings and sculpture <strong>2</strong> the study of paintings<br />
<strong>artful</strong> &#8211; a painting exhibition<br />
<strong>artifact</strong> &#8211; something only an art major would know<br />
<strong>artificial insemination</strong> -[Med.] <strong>1</strong> copulation without representation <strong>2</strong> procreation without recreation<br />
<strong>artificial intelligence (AI)</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] the science of building a computer to think and learn like a human being. The trouble with AI is that human beings are really stupid.<br />
<strong>artist</strong> - <strong>1</strong> [Pers.] unreliable <strong>2</strong> [Media] what a television director thinks he is<br />
<strong>artistic license</strong> &#8211; you&#8217;re looking at it<br />
<strong>asphalt</strong> &#8211; [Med.] describes rectal problems<br />
<strong>aspiration</strong> &#8211; butt sweat<br />
<strong>aspire</strong> &#8211; where dead donkeys are cremated<br />
<strong>aspirin</strong> &#8211; [Med.] having great ambitions<br />
<strong>ass</strong> &#8211; the masculine of &#8220;lass&#8221;<br />
<strong>asset</strong> &#8211; a little donkey<br />
<strong>assembly language</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] put tab A into slot B, then put tab C&#8230;<br />
<strong>assumed decimal point</strong> &#8211; located two positions to the right of a programmer&#8217;s current salary in estimating his own worth<br />
<strong>assumption</strong> &#8211; the mother of all screw-ups<br />
<strong>astrologer</strong> &#8211; one who always has their head in the stars<br />
<strong>astronaut</strong> &#8211; a whirled traveler<br />
<strong>astronomer</strong> &#8211; a night watchman<br />
<strong>astronomy</strong> &#8211; TV for the ancient Greeks<br />
<strong>atheism</strong> - <strong>1</strong> &lt;George Carlin&gt; a non-prophet organization. <strong>2</strong> deep religious faith in the non-existence of God<br />
<strong>atheist</strong> - <strong>1</strong> one with no invisible means of support <strong>2</strong> one who believes himself to be an accident<br />
<strong>Atlanta</strong> &#8211; an entire city surrounded by an airport<br />
<strong>atlas</strong> &#8211; finally<br />
<strong>atomic bomb</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a thing that makes molehills out of mountains <strong>2</strong> the invention to end all inventions<br />
<strong>atomizer</strong> &#8211; a cheapskate who hoards microscopic particles<br />
<strong>atonic</strong> &#8211; [Med.] goes with your gin<br />
<strong>attorney</strong> &#8211; a major sporting event<br />
<strong>attraction</strong> &#8211; the act of associating horniness with a particular person<br />
<strong>auction</strong> &#8211; a gyp off the old block<br />
<strong>auctioneer</strong> &#8211; a man who looks forbidding<br />
<strong>audiophile</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a stereotype <strong>2</strong> one who listens to the equipment instead of the music<br />
<strong>auditor</strong> &#8211; someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded<br />
<strong>Australian kiss</strong> &#8211; same as a French kiss, only down under<br />
<strong>authentic</strong> &#8211; indisputably true, in somebody&#8217;s opinion<br />
<strong>author</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a writer with connections in the publishing industry <strong>2</strong> a person who is usually write<br />
<strong>authority</strong> &#8211; a person who can tell you more than you really care to know<br />
<strong>authorize</strong> &#8211; what writers see with<br />
<strong>autobiography</strong> - <strong>1</strong> the car&#8217;s logbook <strong>2</strong> an unrivaled vehicle for telling the truth about other people <strong>3</strong> a history of cars<br />
<strong>automated</strong> &#8211; a couple making love in a car<br />
<strong>automatic shift</strong> &#8211; when the driver moves closer to his girlfriend.<br />
<strong>automobile</strong> &#8211; a four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down pedestrians<br />
<strong>autumn</strong> - <strong>1</strong> season in which nature goes baroque <strong>2</strong> Mother Nature going through a change of leaf<br />
<strong>avail</strong> &#8211; a piece of cloth that stops a woman from looking so ugly<br />
<strong>avalanche</strong> &#8211; a mountain getting its rocks off<br />
<strong>average-looking</strong> &#8211; [Pers.] ugly<br />
<strong>aversion</strong> &#8211; one side of a disputed story<br />
<strong>avoidable</strong> &#8211; what a bullfighter tries to do<br />
<strong>awestruck</strong> - <strong>1</strong> being hit with a paddle <strong>2</strong> feeling when your team loses unexpectedly<br />
<strong>axe</strong> &#8211; to inquire<br />
<strong>baby</strong> &#8211; [Par.] <strong>1</strong> Dad, when he gets a cold <strong>2</strong> Mom&#8217;s youngest child, even if he&#8217;s 42 <strong>3</strong> a hollow tube with a loud voice at one end and a complete lack of responsibility at the other end <strong>4</strong> an angel whose wings grow shorter as its legs grow longer<br />
<strong>baby philosophy</strong> &#8211; if it stinks, change it<br />
<strong>babysitter</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a teenager who must behave like an adult so that the adults who are out can behave like teenagers <strong>2</strong> a small child that has not learned to crawl or walk <strong>3</strong> a person you hire to watch TV<br />
<strong>Bach</strong> &#8211; [Music] the sound a dog makes<br />
<strong>Bach chorale</strong> &#8211; [Music] the place behind the barn where you keep the horses<br />
<strong>bachelor</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a man who Mrs. nothing <strong>2</strong> an unaltared male <strong>3</strong> a thing of beauty and a boy forever <strong>4</strong> a man not miss-taken<strong>5</strong> a rolling stone that gathers no boss <strong>6</strong> one who never makes the same mistake once <strong>7</strong> a man who goes through life without a hitch<br />
<strong>back</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; that part of your friend which it is your privilege to contemplate in your adversity<br />
<strong>backbite</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; to speak of a man as you find him when he can&#8217;t find you<br />
<strong>backup</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] opposite of go forward<br />
<strong>backward</strong> &#8211; [Med.] patient rooms at the rear of a hospital<br />
<strong>bacteria</strong> &#8211; [Med.] <strong>1</strong> back door to cafeteria <strong>2</strong> lunchroom for chiropractors <strong>3</strong> the only culture some people have <strong>4</strong> the rear portion of the cafeteria<br />
<strong>bad government</strong> &#8211; [Politics] the result of letting politicians win elections<br />
<strong>bacon</strong> &#8211; a criminal in San Francisco<br />
<strong>bacon and eggs</strong> &#8211; hens are involved but pigs are committed<br />
<strong>bad day</strong> &#8211; a day when you look like your driver&#8217;s license photo<br />
<strong>badminton</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a game in which two players try to beat the tail feathers off each other <strong>2</strong> the reason the lamb tasted off<br />
<strong>bagels</strong> &#8211; seabirds that live near a bay<br />
<strong>baggage claim</strong> &#8211; [Aviation] the most difficult area of the airport to find. It is usually hidden by numerous signs saying, &#8220;Baggage Claim Area&#8221;<br />
<strong>bail</strong> &#8211; made hay<br />
<strong>bailiff</strong> &#8211; dried up leaf, used in cooking<br />
<strong>bait</strong> - <strong>1</strong> &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; a preparation that renders the hook more palatable. The best kind is beauty. <strong>2</strong> [Southern U.S.] to strike repeatedly <strong>3</strong> to win<br />
<strong>baker</strong> &#8211; a person who works for money because he kneads the dough<br />
<strong>balance</strong> &#8211; something you lose if the bank pushes you<br />
<strong>balance the checkbook</strong> &#8211; to go to the cash machine and select &#8220;inquire&#8221;<br />
<strong>bald</strong> &#8211; taller than one&#8217;s hair<br />
<strong>balderdash</strong> &#8211; rapidly receding hairline<br />
<strong>baloney</strong> &#8211; where some hemlines fall<br />
<strong>banality</strong> &#8211; any joke about a banana<br />
<strong>bandage</strong> - <strong>1</strong> removed age as a factor <strong>2</strong> the length of time a musical group has existed<br />
<strong>Band-Aid</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a fund to help a group of struggling musicians <strong>2</strong> a musician&#8217;s assistant<br />
<strong>bandwidth</strong> &#8211; limited by the size of the stage<br />
<strong>bank</strong> &#8211; [Econ.] <strong>1</strong> a place that will lend you money if you can prove you don&#8217;t need it <strong>2</strong> a place where you keep the government&#8217;s money until the IRS calls for it <strong>3</strong> an institution where you put your money so that it will be available when other people want it <strong>4</strong> (drive-in) an institution invented by the financial community to allow the real owner of your car to get to see it once in a while <strong>5</strong> [Aviation] the folks who hold the loan on most pilots&#8217; cars<br />
<strong>banker</strong> &#8211; [Econ.] <strong>1</strong> &lt;Robert Frost&gt; one who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain <strong>2</strong> a person who is a success until they lose interest<br />
<strong>banker&#8217;s hours</strong> &#8211; that part of the day when it is too hot to play golf<br />
<strong>bar</strong> &#8211; what a Southerner hunts in the woods<br />
<strong>barbarian</strong> &#8211; the man who cuts your hair<br />
<strong>barbarous</strong> &#8211; a bad hair cut<br />
<strong>bar-b-que</strong> &#8211; [female-specific] you bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat, and cleaned everything up, but he &#8220;made the dinner&#8221;<br />
<strong>bard</strong> &#8211; [Southern U.S.] past tense of &#8220;to borrow&#8221;; <em>My brother </em>bard<em> my pickup.</em><br />
<strong>bare</strong> &#8211; [Southern U.S.] an alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast<br />
<strong>bareback</strong> &#8211; how a nudist rides a horse<br />
<strong>bargain</strong> &#8211; buy two soaps and get one free<br />
<strong>bargain hunter</strong> &#8211; [Econ.] a wife who is always saving more money than her husband can afford<br />
<strong>barium</strong> - <strong>1</strong> what you do with dead chemists <strong>2</strong> [Med.] what bad doctors do with their patients<br />
<strong>Barney</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a well-known purple mutant eggplant from hell <strong>2</strong> a Smurf on steroids<br />
<strong>Barney &amp; Friends</strong> &#8211; an adult&#8217;s virtual reality trip through Jurassic park<br />
<strong>barometer</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; an ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having<br />
<strong>baroque</strong> &#8211; [Econ.] when you are out of Monet<br />
<strong>barracks</strong> &#8211; where pub crawlers hang their coats<br />
<strong>barrel roll</strong> &#8211; [Aviation] sport enjoyed at squadron picnics, usually after the barrels are empty<br />
<strong>barren</strong> &#8211; a naked bird<br />
<strong>bar stool</strong> &#8211; what hillbillies sometimes step in<br />
<strong>bartender</strong> &#8211; a pharmacist with a limited inventory<br />
<strong>baseball</strong> &#8211; three minutes of action crammed into three hours<br />
<strong>baseball bat</strong> &#8211; an anti-burglar device<br />
<strong>bashful</strong> &#8211; to be harsh or abusive toward someone<br />
<strong>BASIC</strong> /Bill&#8217;s Attempt to Seize Industry Control/ [Comput.] a programming language; related to certain social diseases in that those who have it will not admit it in polite company.<br />
<strong>bassinet</strong> &#8211; what every fisherman wants<br />
<strong>bassoon</strong> &#8211; [Music] typical response when asked what you hope to catch, and when<br />
<strong>batch processing</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] making a lot of cookies at once<br />
<strong>bath</strong> &#8211; [Canine] a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves; it is helpful to shake vigorously and frequently<br />
<strong>bathing beauty</strong> &#8211; a girl worth wading for<br />
<strong>bathing suit</strong> &#8211; a female garment cut to see level<br />
<strong>bathroom</strong> - <strong>1</strong> the only place in a government agency where the bureaucrats usually know what they are doing <strong>2</strong> [female-specific, Par.] room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning<br />
<strong>battery electrolyte tester</strong> &#8211; a handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought<br />
<strong>battle</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; a method of untying with the teeth of a political knot that would not yield to the tongue<br />
<strong>baud rate</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] prostitution fee<br />
<strong>Bayesian</strong> &#8211; [Philos.] I&#8217;ll give you even money that I&#8217;m right<br />
<strong>beach</strong> &#8211; where girls go when they have nothing to wear<br />
<strong>beach Wiccan</strong> &#8211; a sand witch<br />
<strong>Beatles, The</strong> &#8211; [Music] Paul McCartney&#8217;s old back-up band<br />
<strong>beatnik</strong> &#8211; Santa Claus the day after Christmas<br />
<strong>bear market</strong> &#8211; [Econ.] a 6 to 18-month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex<br />
<strong>beauty</strong> - <strong>1</strong> <em>internal</em> quality that most times comes from within &#8211; jars, tubes and bottles; <strong>2</strong> <em>external</em> given by Mother Nature and taken by Father Time <strong>3</strong> what&#8217;s in your eye when you have a bee in your hand <strong>4</strong> &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; a power with which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband<br />
<strong>beauty parlor</strong> &#8211; a place where women curl up and dye<br />
<strong>because</strong> &#8211; [Par.] Mom&#8217;s reason for having kids do things which can&#8217;t be explained logically<br />
<strong>bed and breakfast</strong> &#8211; [Par.] two things the kids will never make for themselves<br />
<strong>bedlam</strong> &#8211; three women and one bargain<br />
<strong>bee</strong> &#8211; fly with a fur coat<br />
<strong>beef stroganoff</strong> &#8211; bovine masturbation<br />
<strong>beer nuts</strong> &#8211; a disease prevalent in Milwaukee<br />
<strong>beg</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; to ask for something with an earnestness proportioned to the belief that it will not be given<br />
<strong>beggar</strong> - <strong>1</strong> &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; one who has relied on the assistance of his friends <strong>2</strong> a pest unkindly inflicted upon the rich<br />
<strong>beheading</strong> &#8211; loss of face<br />
<strong>being social</strong> &#8211; [Academia] group study<br />
<strong>belief</strong> &#8211; what you don&#8217;t believe in<br />
<strong>belittle</strong> &#8211; the imperative form of shrink<br />
<strong>belladonna</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; in Italian a beautiful lady; in English a deadly poison. A striking example of the essential identity of the two tongues<br />
<strong>belly button</strong> &#8211; salt holder when eating celery in bed<br />
<strong>belly dancers</strong> &#8211; people who use sign language and stutter<br />
<strong>belong</strong> &#8211; to take your time<br />
<strong>benedict</strong> &#8211; a newly married man who has long been a bachelor<br />
<strong>benign</strong> &#8211; what you be after you be eight<br />
<strong>Bernadette</strong> &#8211; the act of torching a mortgage<br />
<strong>berth</strong> &#8211; [Naut.] a little addition to the crew<br />
<strong>beta test</strong> &#8211; to voluntarily entrust one&#8217;s data, one&#8217;s livelihood and one&#8217;s sanity to hardware or software intended to destroy all three. In earlier days, virgins were often selected to beta test volcanoes.<br />
<strong>better</strong> &#8211; what we instantly feel when we realize our neighbor&#8217;s problems are as bad as our own<br />
<strong>B flat</strong> &#8211; [Music] what happens to a tightrope walker who doesn&#8217;t C sharp<br />
<strong>bi</strong> &#8211; when everybody thinks you&#8217;re a pervert<br />
<strong>bias</strong> &#8211; why a man goes to a brothel<br />
<strong>bicycle</strong> &#8211; [Canine] two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat; to get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away<br />
<strong>bid</strong> &#8211; a wild guess carried out to two decimal places<br />
<strong>bifurcate</strong> &#8211; to purchase for Katherine<br />
<strong>bigamy</strong> - <strong>1</strong> &lt;Bob Hope&gt; the only crime on the books where two rites make a wrong <strong>2</strong> one wife too many, as contrasted with monogamy, which is one wife too many<br />
<strong>bigamist</strong> - <strong>1</strong> an Italian fog <strong>2</strong> one who won&#8217;t let bad enough alone<br />
<strong>big band</strong> &#8211; [Music] when the bar pays enough to bring two banjo players<br />
<strong>bigotry</strong> &#8211; one of the California redwoods<br />
<strong>bigots</strong> &#8211; [Politics] chauvinists you don&#8217;t like<br />
<strong>bikini</strong> &#8211; public waist<br />
<strong>bile duct</strong> &#8211; [Med.] waterfowl on an Egyptian river<br />
<strong>binary</strong> &#8211; possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes<br />
<strong>bindings</strong> &#8211; [Skiing] automatic mechanisms that protect skiers from potentially serious injury during a fall by releasing skis from boots, sending the skis skittering across the slope where they trip two other skiers, and so on and on, eventually causing the entire slope to be protected from serious injury<br />
<strong>biography</strong> &#8211; a written record of purchases<br />
<strong>biology</strong> - <strong>1</strong> study of shopping habits <strong>2</strong> [Academia] a class located suspiciously near the cafeteria<br />
<strong>biplane</strong> &#8211; the advice I got from my mother on purchasing underwear<br />
<strong>bipolar</strong> - <strong>1</strong> an Eskimo marketing slogan <strong>2</strong> someone who owns a house in Nome, Alaska and Buffalo, New York<br />
<strong>birdwatcher</strong> &#8211; a person who likes to watch fowl play<br />
<strong>birth</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; the first and direst of all disasters<br />
<strong>birth control</strong> &#8211; avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men<br />
<strong>bison</strong> &#8211; what the buffalo said to his boy when he departed on a long journey<br />
<strong>bit</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] <strong>1</strong> the unit by which computer programmers lose their sanity <strong>2</strong> used to describe computers; <em>Our son&#8217;s computer cost quite a</em> bit<strong>3</strong> a unit of measure applied to color. Twenty-four-bit color refers to expensive $3 color as opposed to the cheaper 25 cent, or two-bit, color that used to be available a few years ago.<br />
<strong>black clothing</strong> &#8211; an ideal tool for removing cat hair from furniture<br />
<strong>black hole</strong> - <strong>1</strong> God dividing by zero <strong>2</strong> the subway of the universe<br />
<strong>black males</strong> &#8211; [Politics] the greatest threat to white males<br />
<strong>blank verse</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; unrhymed iambic pentameters&#8211;the most difficult kind of English verse to write acceptably; a kind, therefore, much affected by those who cannot acceptably write any kind<br />
<strong>blind spot</strong> &#8211; what Dick and Jane did to be cruel<br />
<strong>blizzard</strong> &#8211; when it snows sideways<br />
<strong>bloatware</strong> &#8211; imagine a four function calculator that eats 20 megs of disk space. Or Microsoft Word.<br />
<strong>block</strong> &#8211; the distance between some people&#8217;s ears<br />
<strong>block diagram</strong> &#8211; schematic gibberish<br />
<strong>block grant</strong> &#8211; a solid mass of money surrounded on all sides by governors<br />
<strong>blonde</strong> &#8211; one who won&#8217;t buy M&amp;M&#8217;s because they&#8217;re too hard to peel<br />
<strong>blonde jokes</strong> &#8211; jokes short enough for men to understand<br />
<strong>blood</strong> &#8211; [Med.] a type of gang<br />
<strong>blood bank</strong> &#8211; a savings &amp; trust for vampires<br />
<strong>bluegrass</strong> &#8211; what hippies in the &#8217;60s did<br />
<strong>blue laws</strong> &#8211; sad statutes<br />
<strong>blunderbuss</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a vehicle used for random traveling <strong>2</strong> two individuals kissing for the first time<br />
<strong>boasting</strong> &#8211; the pitter patter of little feats<br />
<strong>boat</strong> &#8211; a hole in the water into which money is poured<br />
<strong>bodyguards</strong> &#8211; morgue attendants<br />
<strong>Boeing</strong> &#8211; [Aviation] the sound a plane doesn&#8217;t make when it hits the ground<br />
<strong>boil</strong> &#8211; [Par.] the point a parent reaches upon hearing the automatic &#8220;yuck&#8221; before a food is even tasted<br />
<strong>boiled egg</strong> &#8211; [Culin.] something hard to beat<br />
<strong>bolus</strong> &#8211; [Med.] what psychoanalysts talk<br />
<strong>bones</strong> &#8211; [Skiing] there are 206 in the human body. No need for dismay, however: two bones of the middle ear have never been broken in a skiing accident<br />
<strong>book</strong> - <strong>1</strong> something made into a movie for television <strong>2</strong> bound, orderly, organized knowledge <strong>3</strong> the original random access device <strong>4</strong> [Academia] a depository of knowledge which a student will try to stay awake long enough to read the night before finals<br />
<strong>book bag</strong> &#8211; [Academia] a large container in which students store candy bars, gum, combs, little slips of paper with phone numbers on them, yo-yos, sunglasses, student id&#8217;s, loose change, magazines, and occasionally books<br />
<strong>bookcase</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a piece of furniture used in America to house bowling trophies and Elvis collectibles <strong>2</strong> a piece of litigation about a novel in order to ensure wide sales<br />
<strong>boom</strong> &#8211; sometimes the result of a surprise jibe<br />
<strong>boot</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] given to one by friends for spending too much time bragging about one&#8217;s computer skills<br />
<strong>boots</strong> &#8211; [Par.] tall rubber shoes made so kids can check the depth of puddles<br />
<strong>boot up</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] what you want to give to Bill Gates<br />
<strong>border</strong> &#8211; someone who pays rent<br />
<strong>bore</strong> - <strong>1</strong> someone who persists in holding his own views after you have enlightened him with yours <strong>2</strong> &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; a person who talks when you wish him to listen <strong>3</strong> he who talks so much about himself that you can&#8217;t talk about yourself <strong>4</strong>someone who is going places, and the sooner the better <strong>5</strong> &lt;Henny Youngman&gt; a guy with a cocktail glass in one hand and your lapel in the other <strong>6</strong> a person who has nothing to say and says it <strong>7</strong> one who, upon being asked how they are, tells you <strong>8</strong> &lt;Walter Winchell&gt; a guy who wraps up a two-minute idea in a two-hour vocabulary<br />
<strong>boss</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a personal dictator appointed to those of us fortunate enough to live in free societies <strong>2</strong> someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early <strong>3</strong> according to the Oxford English Dictionary, in the Middle Ages the words &#8220;boss&#8221; and &#8220;botch&#8221; were largely synonymous, except that boss, in addition to meaning &#8220;a supervisor of workers&#8221; also meant &#8220;an ornamental stud&#8221;<br />
<strong>bossa nova</strong> &#8211; [Music] the car your foreman drives<br />
<strong>Boston</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a city where Ludwig van Beethoven would be jeered by 50,000 sports fans for finishing second in the Irish jig competition <strong>2</strong> an outdoor Betty Ford clinic<br />
<strong>bother</strong> &#8211; a Pooh poo<br />
<strong>bottle feeding</strong> &#8211; [Par.] an opportunity for daddy to get up at 2 a.m. too<br />
<strong>bottom</strong> &#8211; what the shopper did when she found the shoes she wanted<br />
<strong>bottom paint</strong> &#8211; what you get when the cockpit seats are freshly painted<br />
<strong>boulder</strong> &#8211; less timid<br />
<strong>bounty hunter</strong> &#8211; a seeker of paper towels<br />
<strong>bourgeois</strong> &#8211; [Philos.] they pay good money to be right<br />
<strong>bowel</strong> &#8211; a letter like A, E, I, O, or U<br />
<strong>box</strong> &#8211; a container which, when opened at the top, drops the contents out through the bottom<br />
<strong>boxer</strong> &#8211; someone who trains for months to be beaten to a pulp in three rounds<br />
<strong>boy</strong> &#8211; noise with dirt on it<br />
<strong>boycott</strong> &#8211; his crib, not hers<br />
<strong>Boy Scouts</strong> &#8211; the Army with adult supervision<br />
<strong>bradycardia</strong> &#8211; [Med.] what Brady will do if you look underage<br />
<strong>brain</strong> - <strong>1</strong> apparatus with which we think we think what we think <strong>2</strong> that body organ which starts working the moment you awake and does not stop until you get into the office<br />
<strong>brainstorm</strong> &#8211; to feign preparedness<br />
<strong>branch</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] if watered, it will grow into a computer club; cf. computer club<br />
<strong>branch instruction</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] advice from a district office<br />
<strong>brassiere</strong> &#8211; a tit-tote<br />
<strong>bravery</strong> &#8211; a naked man bending over to pick up a quarter on an island of gays<br />
<strong>breadth</strong> &#8211; wide loaf<br />
<strong>breakthrough</strong> &#8211; [Ad.] it nearly booted on the first try<br />
<strong>bride</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; a woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her<br />
<strong>bridge</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a game in which a wife is always eager to do her husband&#8217;s bidding <strong>2</strong> a card game in which a good deal depends on a good deal<br />
<strong>briefcase</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a trial where the jury gets together and forms a lynching party <strong>2</strong> luggage in which underwear is packed<br />
<strong>broadband</strong> &#8211; an all girl musical group<br />
<strong>broadcast quality</strong> &#8211; [Ad.] gives a picture and produces noise<br />
<strong>broad-mindedness</strong> &#8211; the result of flattening high-mindedness out<br />
<strong>bronchial</strong> &#8211; [Med.] a football team in Denver<br />
<strong>broom</strong> &#8211; witch craft<br />
<strong>brothel</strong> &#8211; home is where the tart is<br />
<strong>browser</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] originally meant to refer to the silly surfer who visited your site but didn&#8217;t buy a thing. Now refers to the software that they use to do that<br />
<strong>bruise</strong> &#8211; [Med.] a six-pack<br />
<strong>Brussels Sprout</strong> &#8211; a world famous statue found in that city<br />
<strong>brute force</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] when your brain doesn&#8217;t work, just keep beating on the problem until one of you dies<br />
<strong>bubble gum</strong> &#8211; candy one&#8217;s mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children<br />
<strong>bubble memory</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] what programmers assume about the intelligence of most users<br />
<strong>buccal</strong> &#8211; [Med.] does up your belt<br />
<strong>buccaneer</strong> &#8211; unit cost of corn on the cob<br />
<strong>bucktooth</strong> &#8211; the going rate for the tooth fairy<br />
<strong>budget</strong> &#8211; [Econ.] <strong>1</strong> a record of what the money should have been spent for <strong>2</strong> an attempt to live below your yearnings <strong>3</strong>methodical debt incursion <strong>4</strong> a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward <strong>5</strong> a precise way of going broke <strong>6</strong> a home accounting system which allows a family to pay as they go&#8211;as long as they don&#8217;t go anywhere <strong>7</strong>the mathematical confirmation of one&#8217;s darkest suspicions <strong>8</strong> what one can stay within only by doing without <strong>9</strong> fiscal self-flagellation <strong>10</strong> a mathematical system devised to remind oneself that one can&#8217;t afford the kind of living one has grown accustomed to <strong>11</strong> for the average family, it is made up of a little money and a lot of estimates <strong>12</strong> a financial program dedicated to preventing part of the month being left at the end of one&#8217;s money; usually unsucessful <strong>13</strong> a detailed record of how much more one managed to spend than to earn this month<br />
<strong>Budweiser</strong> &#8211; like having sex in a canoe: f***ing close to water<br />
<strong>buffalo</strong> &#8211; a greeting between two nudists<br />
<strong>buffet</strong> &#8211; a French word that means &#8220;get up and get it yourself&#8221; or &#8220;to make a pig of oneself&#8221;<br />
<strong>bug</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] <strong>1</strong> a programmer&#8217;s term for a feature <strong>2</strong> a son of a glitch <strong>3</strong> &lt;Ray Simard&gt; an aspect of a computer program which exists because the programmer was thinking about Jumbo Jacks or stock options when s/he wrote the program. Fortunately, the second-to-last bug has just been fixed. <strong>4</strong> &lt;Datamation&gt; an elusive creature living in a program that makes it incorrect. The activity of &#8220;debugging&#8221;, or removing bugs from a program, ends when people get tired of doing it, not when the bugs are removed.<br />
<strong>bugs</strong> &#8211; small living things that small living boys throw on small living girls<br />
<strong>bulimia</strong> &#8211; [Med.] retched excess<br />
<strong>bullae</strong> &#8211; [Med.] a tough guy<br />
<strong>bulldozer</strong> &#8211; one who can sleep through a campaign speech<br />
<strong>bulletin</strong> - <strong>1</strong> parish information read only during the homily <strong>2</strong> Catholic air conditioning <strong>3</strong> your receipt for attending mass<br />
<strong>bull market</strong> &#8211; [Econ.] a random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius<br />
<strong>bump</strong> &#8211; [Canine] the best way to get your human&#8217;s attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea<br />
<strong>bungalow</strong> &#8211; unfortunate buffalo that can&#8217;t do anything right<br />
<strong>bunion</strong> &#8211; Paul&#8217;s surname<br />
<strong>bunny</strong> &#8211; bakery characteristic<br />
<strong>buoyant</strong> &#8211; male hill insect<br />
<strong>bureaucracy</strong> &#8211; a method for transforming energy into solid waste<br />
<strong>bureaucrat</strong> <strong>1</strong> a person who cuts red tape sideways <strong>2</strong> a politician with tenure<br />
<strong>burglar</strong> &#8211; &lt;Henny Youngman&gt; the only professional still making house calls<br />
<strong>burglarize</strong> &#8211; what a crook sees with<br />
<strong>burlesque show</strong> &#8211; where attendance falls off if nothing else does<br />
<strong>burrito</strong> &#8211; [Culin.] a modest rolled bit of food that usually contains beans and cheese, sometimes beef, chicken or pork, rolled into a flour tortilla. Under no circumstances should you add chopped onions to a burrito. To do so is a felony in several states, and rightfully so.<br />
<strong>bushman</strong> &#8211; Katherine Harris<br />
<strong>bush pilot</strong> &#8211; flies Air Force One<br />
<strong>bust</strong> &#8211; a stone representation of someone ahead of their time<br />
<strong>Buy, buy</strong> &#8211; [Econ.] a flight attendant making market recommendations as you step off the plane<br />
<strong>buzzword</strong> &#8211; the fly in the ointment of computer literacy<br />
<strong>byte</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] <strong>1</strong> whut dem dang flies do <strong>2</strong> a little nibble<br />
<strong>C</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ray Simard&gt; a programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more like assembly except that it isn&#8217;t very much like either one, or anything else. It is either the best language available to the art today, or it isn&#8217;t.<br />
<strong>cabal</strong> &#8211; transport everybody by taxi<br />
<strong>cabbage</strong> &#8211; [Culin.] <strong>1</strong> &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; a familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man&#8217;s head <strong>2</strong>the fare you pay the taxi driver <strong>3</strong> the number of years a taxi has existed<br />
<strong>cache memory</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] <strong>1</strong> remembering how much one has spent <strong>2</strong> a very expensive part of the memory system of a computer that no one is supposed to know is there<br />
<strong>cactus</strong> &#8211; an overgrown pin cushion<br />
<strong>cad</strong> &#8211; a man who doesn&#8217;t tell his wife that he&#8217;s sterile until she&#8217;s pregnant<br />
<strong>Cadillac</strong> &#8211; bovine paucity<br />
<strong>cafeteria</strong> &#8211; /from Latin, <em>cafe</em>, &#8216;place to eat,&#8217; and <em>teria</em>, &#8216;to retch&#8217;/ [Academia]<br />
<strong>caffeine</strong> &#8211; [Culin.] <strong>1</strong> one of the four basic food groups <strong>2</strong> everything one could want in a drink<br />
<strong>calculated risk</strong> &#8211; a computer date with a girl who doesn&#8217;t take the pill<br />
<strong>call</strong> &#8211; [Academia] what you can&#8217;t do because your stupid roommate has to go over every stupid detail of every stupid day with their stupid hometown sweetheart<br />
<strong>call girl</strong> &#8211; a negotiable blonde<br />
<strong>calorie</strong> &#8211; [Culin.] basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the average individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular food <strong>2</strong> unit denoting how good food tastes<br />
<strong>calzone</strong> &#8211; that particular zone where one pigs out on pizza<br />
<strong>camel</strong> &#8211; a horse designed by committee<br />
<strong>Camelot</strong> &#8211; place to shop for a used dromedary<br />
<strong>camera</strong> &#8211; a device used to take pictures. The pointed end goes toward the scene you want to photograph.<br />
<strong>campaign reform</strong> &#8211; [Politics] an attempt by politicians to make it impossible for their opponents to fund a campaign<br />
<strong>campus</strong> &#8211; show us where to pitch our tent<br />
<strong>Canada</strong> &#8211; 51 weeks winter, one week hockeyless summer<br />
<strong>Canadians</strong> &#8211; the other Americans<br />
<strong>cancer</strong> &#8211; [Med.] cure for smoking<br />
<strong>candy stripers</strong> &#8211; person who paints candy<br />
<strong>cannibal</strong> - <strong>1</strong> someone who is fed up with people <strong>2</strong> person who likes to see other people stewed <strong>3</strong> one who is apt to pass his best friend <strong>4</strong> one who loves his fellow man with gravy<br />
<strong>cannon</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; an instrument employed in the rectification of national boundaries<br />
<strong>canoe</strong> - <strong>1</strong> an object that acts like a small boy, i.e., it behaves better when paddled from the rear <strong>2</strong> interrogative meaning, &#8220;are you able&#8221;<br />
<strong>can opener</strong> &#8211; bathroom key<br />
<strong>cantaloupe</strong> &#8211; [female-specific] gotta get married in a church.<br />
<strong>capitalism</strong> &#8211; man exploiting man, as compared with socialism, which is the reverse<br />
<strong>capital offense</strong> &#8211; the way the Washington Redskins are playing lately<br />
<strong>capital punishment</strong> - <strong>1</strong> income tax <strong>2</strong> what your congressman does to you after he&#8217;s elected<br />
<strong>capsize</strong> &#8211; [Naut.] head measurement<br />
<strong>capsule</strong> &#8211; [Med.] a space ship<br />
<strong>caramel</strong> &#8211; a motorized camel<br />
<strong>carbine</strong> &#8211; a seed pod in the shape of an automobile<br />
<strong>carburetor icing</strong> &#8211; [Aviation] a phenomenon happening to Aero club pilots at exactly the same time they run out of gas<br />
<strong>carcinoma</strong> &#8211; [Med.] a valley in California, notable for its heavy smog<br />
<strong>cardboard belt</strong> &#8211; a waist of paper<br />
<strong>cardiology</strong> &#8211; [Med.] the study of poker playing<br />
<strong>cards</strong> &#8211; game devices with which a good deal depends on a good deal<br />
<strong>career-minded</strong> &#8211; [Emp.] female applicants must be childless and remain that way<br />
<strong>careful</strong> &#8211; one who looks both ways while crossing a one-way street<br />
<strong>careful driver</strong> &#8211; one who has made the last payment on his car<br />
<strong>carnation</strong> &#8211; country where everybody has an automobile<br />
<strong>carnivore</strong> &#8211; someone who watches people dancing and playing music in the street<br />
<strong>carpal</strong> &#8211; [Med.] to drive to work with others<br />
<strong><em>carpe diem</em></strong> &#8211; gripe of the day<br />
<strong>carpenter</strong> &#8211; a guy who nails down his agreement<br />
<strong>carpet</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a dog that enjoys riding in automobiles <strong>2</strong> [Par.] an expensive floor covering used to catch spills and clean mud off shoes<br />
<strong>car pool</strong> &#8211; [Pers.] complicated system of transportation where mom always winds up going the furthest with the biggest bunch of kids who have had the most sugar<br />
<strong>carrier detect</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] to catch sight of the mailman<br />
<strong>carry-on bag</strong> &#8211; [Aviation] an item, usually of large dimensions, which somehow managed to fit under the passenger&#8217;s seat on the inbound flight. Regardless of what the passenger says the following are not acceptable as carry-on items: bicycles, steamer trunks, refrigerators, truck tires, or wide screen projection TVs<br />
<strong>car service</strong> &#8211; if it ain&#8217;t broke, we&#8217;ll break it<br />
<strong>Cartesianism</strong> &#8211; [Philos.] cogito ergo rectitudo<br />
<strong>car sickness</strong> &#8211; the feeling you get when the car payment is due<br />
<strong>cartel</strong> &#8211; getting your vehicle to pass information<br />
<strong>cartoonist</strong> &#8211; an auto mechanic<br />
<strong>cartoons</strong> - <strong>1</strong> music played in an automobile <strong>2</strong> devices used by newspapers to say what an editor dare not<br />
<strong>case</strong> &#8211; [Law] the amount of beer chugged by your attorney before breakfast<br />
<strong>cash flow</strong> &#8211; [Econ.] the movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet<br />
<strong>casserole</strong> &#8211; [Culin.] combination of favorite foods that go uneaten because they are mixed together<br />
<strong>castanets</strong> &#8211; what they did to fill the role of Frankie Avalon&#8217;s movie girlfriend<br />
<strong>castrate</strong> - <strong>1</strong> hotel rate for actors <strong>2</strong> [Med.] market price for setting a fracture<br />
<strong>castration</strong> &#8211; a eunuch experience<br />
<strong>casual work atmosphere</strong> &#8211; [Emp.] we don&#8217;t pay enough to expect that you&#8217;ll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings<br />
<strong>cat</strong> - <strong>1</strong> small, four legged, furry extortionist resembling a meatloaf <strong>2</strong> walking ego with an attitude problem <strong>3</strong> alien that took over Earth millennia ago <strong>4</strong> lap warmer with built-in buzzer <strong>5</strong> an animal that tastes just like chicken <strong>6</strong> a fast, psychotic animal, bred for target practice <strong>7</strong> God&#8217;s way of saying your furniture is too nice <strong>8</strong> an animal used for dusting high places<strong>9</strong> proof that eating and sleeping isn&#8217;t all bad <strong>10</strong> proof that not everything in nature has a function <strong>11</strong> &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to be kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle<br />
<strong>cataclysm</strong> &#8211; Bible study classes for cats<br />
<strong>catacomb</strong> &#8211; used for brushing cat hair<br />
<strong>Catalan opening</strong> &#8211; starting a local area network for cats<br />
<strong>catalog</strong> &#8211; where a rancher records his inventory<br />
<strong>catalyst</strong> &#8211; a bovine rancher<br />
<strong>catarrh</strong> &#8211; [Med.] a stringed instrument<br />
<strong>catastrophe</strong> &#8211; award given to the cat with the cutest buns<br />
<strong>catatonic</strong> &#8211; [Med.] <strong>1</strong> a feline medicinal drink <strong>2</strong> an aging cat in need of Geritol <strong>3</strong> what feline bars mix with gin<br />
<strong>catch and release</strong> &#8211; a conservation motion that happens most often right before the local fish and game officer pulls over a boat that has caught over it&#8217;s limit<br />
<strong>catchup</strong> &#8211; a hair ball<br />
<strong>categorical imperative</strong> &#8211; [Philos.] if you&#8217;re right, let&#8217;s make it a universal law<br />
<strong>caterpillar</strong> - <strong>1</strong> an upholstered worm <strong>2</strong> soft scratching post for cats<br />
<strong>catgut</strong> &#8211; [Southern U.S., Music] of or belonging to a feline; <em>my dog got fleas but my catgut kittens</em><br />
<strong>catheter</strong> &#8211; [Med.] string instruments<br />
<strong>cat scan</strong> &#8211; [Med.] <strong>1</strong> very expensive modality for finding a missing hamster <strong>2</strong> searching for Kitty<br />
<strong>cat&#8217;s game</strong> - <strong>1</strong> fit into the smallest space available <strong>2</strong> Ha! Made you look!<br />
<strong>Catskill Mountains</strong> - <strong>1</strong> mountain range with dangerous cats <strong>2</strong> the land of dead mice<br />
<strong>cat toy (n)</strong> &#8211; any object on the ground<br />
<strong>catty</strong> &#8211; an afternoon gathering of gossips<br />
<a name="caucus"></a><strong>caucus election</strong> &#8211; [Politics] where machines bring voters to vote for losers; cf. <a href="http://www.opusforfour.com/definitions.html#primary">primary election</a><br />
<strong>cauliflower</strong> &#8211; [Culin.] &lt;Mark Twain&gt; a cabbage with a college education<br />
<strong>cause</strong> &#8211; noises made by crows<br />
<strong>cauterize</strong> &#8211; [Med.] made eye contact with her<br />
<strong>caviar emptor</strong> &#8211; let the fish beware!<br />
<strong>CD-ROM</strong> /Consumer Device Rendered Obsolete in Months/ [Comput.]<br />
<strong>celebrity</strong> &#8211; person who is well-known for their well-knownness<br />
<strong>cell</strong> &#8211; opposite of bi<br />
<strong>cello</strong> &#8211; [Music] <strong>1</strong> the proper way to answer the phone <strong>2</strong> a gelatin product<br />
<strong>Celtics</strong> &#8211; what a parasite salesman does<br />
<strong>cemetery</strong> - <strong>1</strong> marble orchard you can take for granite <strong>2</strong> death row <strong>3</strong> &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; an isolated suburban spot where mourners match lies<br />
<strong>censor</strong> - <strong>1</strong> one who sticks his no&#8217;s into other people&#8217;s business <strong>2</strong> an individual who knows more than he thinks you should<br />
<strong>censorship</strong> &#8211; ****** *********<br />
<strong>census taker</strong> &#8211; man who goes from house to house increasing the population<br />
<strong>centipede</strong> &#8211; metric inchworm<br />
<strong>CEO</strong> &#8211; /chief embezzlement officer/ [Econ.]<br />
<strong>cerebral palsy</strong> &#8211; [Med.] hands playing in the cereal<br />
<strong>cesarean section</strong> &#8211; [Med.] a historic district in Rome<br />
<strong>CFO</strong> &#8211; /corporate fraud officer/ [Econ.]<br />
<strong>chafe</strong> &#8211; perfue with marked perfiftenfe<br />
<strong>chain gang</strong> &#8211; guys in a singles bar wearing too much jewelry<br />
<strong>chaining</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] method of attaching programmers to desks to speed up output<br />
<strong>channel surfing</strong> &#8211; what to do when you are only remotely interested in TV<br />
<strong>chaos</strong> &#8211; four lawyers plus one dinner bill<br />
<strong>Chapter 11</strong> &#8211; the part where Rhett rips Scarlett&#8217;s clothes off<br />
<strong>character density</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] the number of very weird people in the office, divided by the floor space<br />
<strong>charity</strong> &#8211; a thing that begins at home and usually stays there<br />
<strong>charm</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a way of getting a yes without having asked any clear question <strong>2</strong> the ability to make someone else think that both of you are quite wonderful<br />
<strong>chart</strong> - <strong>1</strong> [Naut.] a type of map which tells you exactly where you are aground <strong>2</strong> [Aviation] a map, which conveniently unfolds to cockpit-window size, that tells you exactly where you aren&#8217;t; it is usually marked up by the pilot before takeoff with an exact plan for getting there<br />
<strong>chaste</strong> &#8211; why virgins run<br />
<strong>chastity</strong> &#8211; &lt;Aldous Huxley&gt; the most unnatural of sexual perversions<br />
<strong>cheap</strong> &#8211; [Ad.] much less expensive than ones selling for up to twice as much<br />
<strong>cheating</strong> &#8211; playing by the rules they are taught business school<br />
<strong>checkpoint</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] from where a programmer draws his salary<br />
<strong>Cheerios</strong> &#8211; hula-hoops for ants<br />
<strong>chef</strong> &#8211; a cook who swears in French<br />
<strong>chemicals</strong> &#8211; noxious substances from which modern foods are made<br />
<strong>cherry cobbler</strong> &#8211; [Culin.] a virgin shoemaker<br />
<strong>chestnut</strong> &#8211; a man wild about breasts<br />
<strong>chic</strong> &#8211; considered smart without the deadening implication of intelligence<br />
<strong>Chicago</strong> &#8211; where the dead still vote&#8230; early and often!<br />
<strong>chicken</strong> - <strong>1</strong> egg&#8217;s way of making more eggs <strong>2</strong> the only creature eaten before it is born and after it is dead<br />
<strong>childbirth</strong> &#8211; [female-specific] you get to go through 36 hours of contractions, he gets to hold your hand and say &#8220;focus&#8230; breathe&#8230; push&#8230;.&#8221;<br />
<strong>childhood</strong> &#8211; [Par.] <strong>1</strong> the rapidly-shrinking interval between infancy and first arrest on a drug or weapons charge <strong>2</strong> that happy period when nightmares occur only during sleep <strong>3</strong> a wonderful time of life when all you need do to lose weight is to take a bath<br />
<strong>childish game</strong> &#8211; one at which you cannot beat your spouse<br />
<strong>children</strong> &#8211; what men become when they get the flu<br />
<strong>children</strong> - <strong>1</strong> unreasonable facsimiles <strong>2</strong> heir-raising experiences<br />
<strong>China</strong> &#8211; legendary nation reportedly populated by children who love leftover vegetables<br />
<strong>Chinese checkers</strong> &#8211; the staff at a Chinatown supermarket<br />
<strong>Chinese spy</strong> &#8211; Peking Tom<br />
<strong>chip</strong> - <strong>1</strong> either Ponch or John, but not both <strong>2</strong> the fattening, non-nutritional food computer users eat to avoid having to leave their keyboards for meals <strong>3</strong> not &#8216;spensive<br />
<strong>chiropractor</strong> &#8211; [Med.] <strong>1</strong> manipulator <strong>2</strong> an Egyptian doctor<br />
<strong>chivalry</strong> &#8211; a man&#8217;s inclination to defend a woman against every man but himself<br />
<strong>chocolate</strong> &#8211; [Culin.] the other major food group<br />
<strong>choir</strong> &#8211; a group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync<br />
<strong>chopped cabbage</strong> &#8211; [Culin.] not just a good idea, it&#8217;s the slaw<br />
<strong>chorea</strong> &#8211; [Med.] what doctors have instead of a proper job<br />
<strong>choosy blonde</strong> &#8211; one for whom a Tom or a Harry won&#8217;t do<br />
<strong>Chopin</strong> &#8211; what you have to do with firewood<br />
<strong>chorale</strong> &#8211; place where horses hang out<br />
<strong>Christ, Jesus</strong> &#8211; a man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time<br />
<strong>christening</strong> &#8211; [Par.] to ceremoniously afflict a child with a name<br />
<strong>Christian</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; one who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor; one who follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin<br />
<strong>Christmas</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a day set apart by some as a time for turkey, presents, cranberry salads, family get-togethers; for others, noted as having the best response time of the entire year <strong>2</strong> a time when each of us gets to reflect upon what we each most deeply and sincerely believe in: money. At the mall of our choice.<br />
<strong>church</strong> &#8211; a place where you encounter nodding acquaintances<br />
<strong>cigarette</strong> &#8211; a pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool on the other<br />
<strong>circular definition</strong> &#8211; see definition, circular<br />
<strong>circumcision</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a half-off sale on penises <strong>2</strong> the unkindest cut of all<br />
<strong>circumference</strong> &#8211; original knight of the round table<br />
<strong>circumvent</strong> &#8211; opening in the front of boxer shorts<br />
<strong>cistern</strong> &#8211; opposite of brothern<br />
<strong>citrate</strong> &#8211; charge for using a private bench<br />
<strong>city life</strong> &#8211; &lt;Henry David Thoreau&gt; millions of people being lonesome together<br />
<strong>civil servant</strong> &#8211; someone who is neither civil nor disposed to serve<br />
<strong>clarification</strong> &#8211; to fill in the background with so many details that the foreground goes underground<br />
<strong>clarinet</strong> &#8211; [Music] <strong>1</strong> Mr. Net&#8217;s daughter Clari <strong>2</strong> [Southern U.S.] name used for your second daughter if you&#8217;ve already used Betty Jo<br />
<strong>clairvoyant</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; a person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron, namely, that he is a blockhead<br />
<strong>class action</strong> &#8211; a stylish deed<br />
<strong>classic</strong> &#8211; &lt;Mark Twain&gt; a book which people praise and don&#8217;t read<br />
<strong>claustrophobia</strong> &#8211; [Med.] fear of Santa<br />
<strong>clear conscience</strong> &#8211; poor memory<br />
<strong>cleavage</strong> &#8211; something you can both approve of and look down upon<br />
<strong>clerical error</strong> &#8211; when a priest makes a mistake in church<br />
<strong>clew</strong> &#8211; [Naut.] an indication from the skipper as to what he might do next<br />
<strong>climate</strong> &#8211; the only thing you can do with a ladder<br />
<strong>climax</strong> &#8211; mountain hiker&#8217;s hatchet<br />
<strong>Clinton/Gore</strong> &#8211; the Beavis and Butthead of politics<br />
<strong>clique</strong> &#8211; a group of insiders who greet outsiders with their backsides; a closed circle of asses<br />
<strong>clitoris</strong> &#8211; [Med.] a type of flower<br />
<strong>clone</strong> - <strong>1</strong> an exact duplicate; <em>Our product is a clone of their product.</em> <strong>2</strong> a shoddy, spurious copy; <em>Their product is a clone of our product.</em><br />
<strong>clones</strong> &#8211; [Med.] are people two<br />
<strong>close off</strong> &#8211; a nudist colony sign<br />
<strong>clothes but no cigar</strong> &#8211; a boutique for anti-smokers<br />
<strong>clothes dryer</strong> &#8211; [female-specific] an appliance designed to eat socks.<br />
<strong>coach</strong> &#8211; [Academia] a teacher who rewards successful &#8220;students&#8221; with a new corvette<br />
<strong>coaster</strong> &#8211; a CD sent to you by AOL<br />
<strong>COBOL</strong> &#8211; /Crude Outdated Boring Obsolete Language <em>or</em> Completely Over and Beyond reason Or Logic/ [Comput.] an exercise in Artificial Inelegance<br />
<strong>cobra</strong> &#8211; bra worn by Siamese twins<br />
<strong>coccus</strong> &#8211; [Med.] where Iowans choose their presidential candidate<br />
<strong>cocky roach</strong> &#8211; an arrogant insect<br />
<strong>coding</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] an addictive drug<br />
<strong>coffee</strong> - <strong>1</strong> Sneezy&#8217;s younger brother <strong>2</strong> consciousness <strong>3</strong> recipient of a cough <strong>4</strong> break fluid<br />
<strong>coffin</strong> &#8211; chest cold symptom<br />
<strong>coincide</strong> &#8211; what to do when it starts raining<br />
<strong><em>coitus interruptus</em></strong> &#8211; a jerky movement, usually following the words, &#8220;I want to have your child.&#8221;<br />
<strong>cold</strong> - <strong>1</strong> when the dog sticks to the fire hydrant <strong>2</strong> when politicians walk around with their hands in their own pockets <strong>3</strong>when the local flashers are handing out written descriptions<br />
<strong>cold feet</strong> &#8211; the ailment you get when you know what the consequences are going to be<br />
<strong>cold war</strong> &#8211; the nightly battle between man and wife to secure and hold all the blankets<br />
<strong>Cole&#8217;s law</strong> &#8211; [Culin.] thinly sliced cabbage<br />
<strong>colic</strong> &#8211; a sheep dog<br />
<strong>collaboration</strong> &#8211; a literary partnership based on the false assumption that the other fellow can spell<br />
<strong>collage</strong> &#8211; French institute of higher education<br />
<strong>collateral</strong> &#8211; [Econ.] <strong>1</strong> something never required when borrowing trouble <strong>2</strong> verifiable proof that one already has in hand all the money one needs to borrow<br />
<strong>collector</strong> &#8211; one who gathers so many things, he can&#8217;t remember what he&#8217;s collecting<br />
<strong>college</strong> &#8211; [Academia] <strong>1</strong> the four-year period when parents are permitted access to the telephone <strong>2</strong> the bread of life; a four year loaf <strong>3</strong> where girls go for facts and guys go for figures <strong>4</strong> that brief interlude of freedom a young man has between subjection to his mother and submission to his wife <strong>5</strong> a place where some pursue learning and others learn pursuing <strong>6</strong> $100 for a book, $500 to prove you read it <strong>7</strong> the fountain of knowledge, where one goes to drink<br />
<strong>columbine</strong> &#8211; to add up all the numbers in a column<br />
<strong>coma</strong> &#8211; [Med.] a punctuation mark<br />
<strong>command</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] <strong>1</strong> suggestion made to a computer <strong>2</strong> a statement presented by a human and accepted by a computer in such a manner as to make the human feel as if they are in control<br />
<strong>comment</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] a superfluous element of a source program included so the programmer can remember what the hell it was he was doing six months later; only the weak-minded need them, according to those who think they aren&#8217;t<br />
<strong>commentator</strong> &#8211; an average potato<br />
<strong>commercials</strong> &#8211; [Media] what the TV station is on the air to broadcast<br />
<strong>committee</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours <strong>2</strong> the unwilling, selected from the unfit, to do the unnecessary <strong>3</strong> individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together <strong>4</strong> 12 individuals doing the work of one <strong>5</strong> a life form with six or more legs and no brain<br />
<a name="commitment"></a><strong>commitment</strong> &#8211; [Politics] more money from the government; cf. <a href="http://www.opusforfour.com/definitions.html#funding">funding</a><br />
<strong>commitment-minded</strong> &#8211; [Pers.] yeah, right<br />
<strong>communication important</strong> &#8211; [Emp.] just try to get a word in edgewise<br />
<strong>communication skills</strong> &#8211; [Emp.] management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it<br />
<strong>commute</strong> &#8211; to travel to and from work without speaking<br />
<strong>companionway</strong> &#8211; [Naut.] a double berth<br />
<strong>compassion</strong> &#8211; [Politics] the use of tax money to buy votes<br />
<strong>competitive salary</strong> &#8211; [Emp.] we remain competitive by paying less than our competitors<br />
<strong>compliment</strong> &#8211; to say something to another which everyone knows isn&#8217;t true<br />
<strong>compromise</strong> &#8211; the art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece<br />
<strong>compulsive gambler</strong> &#8211; a guy who would rather lay a bet<br />
<strong>computer</strong><sup>1</sup> &#8211; [Comput.] <strong>1</strong> box that you can never completely fill with money <strong>2</strong> very fast, very precise device for generating mistakes <strong>3</strong> a million morons working at the speed of light <strong>4</strong> the one thing in a woman&#8217;s life that does exactly what she tells it to <strong>5</strong> an electronic entity which performs sequences of useful steps in a totally understandable, rigorously logical manner; if you believe this, see me about a bridge I have for sale in Manhattan<br />
<strong>computer</strong><sup>2</sup> &#8211; [Comput.] Up until 1945 a computer was a human being who did mathematical calculations. Of course, with modernization comes mechanization. The computer union couldn&#8217;t hold back technology. Computers became first mechanical, then electronic, and the study of mathematics became the &#8220;new math&#8221; where 1 + 1 equals 3 in large values of 1.<br />
<strong>computer</strong><sup>3</sup> &#8211; [Comput.] an instrument of torture. The first computer was invented by Roger &#8220;Duffy&#8221; Billingsly, a British scientist. In a plot to overthrow Adolf Hitler, Duffy disguised himself as a German ally and offered his invention as a gift to the surly dictator. The plot worked. On April 8, 1945, Adolf became so enraged at the &#8220;Incompatible File Format&#8221; error message that he shot himself. The war ended soon after Hitler&#8217;s death, and Duffy began working for IBM.<br />
<strong>computer chip</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] any starchy food stuff consumed in mass quantities while programming<br />
<strong>computer club</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] used to strike computer forcefully upon receiving error messages<br />
<strong>computer operator</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] one who has never heard of human error<br />
<strong>computer salesperson</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] a person without the ethics to be a used car salesperson, and has absolutely no knowledge of computers<br />
<strong>computer science</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a study akin to numerology and astrology, but lacking the precision of the former and the success of the latter <strong>2</strong> the post-Turing decline in formal systems theory<br />
<strong>computer scientist</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] someone who fixes things that aren&#8217;t broken<br />
<strong>compile</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] a heap of decomposing vegetable matter<br />
<strong>compiler</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] Noah Webster (1758-1843)<br />
<strong>con artist</strong> &#8211; person who draws pictures of suspects<br />
<strong>conceit</strong> &#8211; self-respect in someone we dislike<br />
<strong>concept</strong> &#8211; any &#8220;idea&#8221; for which an outside consultant bills more than $25,000<br />
<strong>concert</strong> &#8211; [Music] a breath mint for inmates<br />
<strong>conclusion</strong> &#8211; the point at which somebody got tired of thinking<br />
<strong>concussion</strong> &#8211; [Med.] a prisoner&#8217;s sofa pillow<br />
<strong>condescending</strong> &#8211; a skydiving felon<br />
<strong>condom</strong> - <strong>1</strong> an apartment complex <strong>2</strong> something that should be worn on every conceivable occasion <strong>3</strong> a home for retired semen<br />
<strong>condominiums</strong> - <strong>1</strong> apartments for mice <strong>2</strong> condoms for fleas, midgets, etc.<br />
<strong>conduct</strong> &#8211; the prisoner stooped down when the book was thrown at him<br />
<strong>conductor</strong> &#8211; musician who is adept at following many people at the same time<br />
<strong>cone of confusion</strong> &#8211; [Aviation] an area about the size of the Isle of Man located near the final approach beacon at an airport<br />
<strong>conference</strong> - <strong>1</strong> the confusion of one individual multiplied by the number present <strong>2</strong> a meeting of the bored <strong>3</strong> a special meeting in which the boss gathers subordinates to hear what they have to say, so long as it doesn&#8217;t conflict with what he&#8217;s already decided to do<br />
<strong>conference management</strong> &#8211; trying to herd cats<br />
<strong>conference room</strong> &#8211; a place where everybody talks, nobody listens, and everybody disagrees later on<br />
<strong>confirm</strong> &#8211; a criminal enterprise<br />
<strong>confound</strong> &#8211; escaped prisoner recovered<br />
<strong>confusion</strong> - <strong>1</strong> the oldest religion in China <strong>2</strong> Father&#8217;s Day in (choose your favorite location) <strong>3</strong> a woman plus a left turn<br />
<strong>conference</strong> &#8211; confusion of one person multiplied by the number present<br />
<strong>congenital</strong> &#8211; [Med.] friendly<br />
<strong>Congo</strong> &#8211; prison escape<br />
<strong>congress</strong> - <strong>1</strong> the opposite of progress <strong>2</strong> political asylum<br />
<strong>connoisseur</strong> &#8211; one who attains an obsessive knowledge of wines, audio equipment, cats or French cheeses so as to confer a sense of inadequacy on those who would simply enjoy them<br />
<strong>conscience</strong> - <strong>1</strong> that part of the psyche which dissolves in alcohol <strong>2</strong> the thing that hurts when everything else feels good <strong>3</strong>a little voice that tells us someone may be watching<br />
<strong>consciousness</strong> &#8211; that annoying time between naps<br />
<strong>conscript</strong> &#8211; one who is forced to fight for freedom<br />
<strong>consensus</strong> &#8211; a prison population survey<br />
<strong>consent decree</strong> &#8211; a document in which a hapless company consents never to commit in the future whatever heinous violations of Federal law it never admitted to in the first place<br />
<strong>conservation of energy</strong> &#8211; [Academia] skipping a lecture<br />
<strong>conservative</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a liberal who has just been mugged <strong>2</strong> someone who believes that nothing should be done for the first time <strong>3</strong> one who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run <strong>4</strong> &lt;Franklin D. Roosevelt&gt; a man with two perfectly good legs who has never learned to walk <strong>5</strong> &lt;Elbert Hubbard&gt; one who is opposed to the things he is in favor of <strong>6</strong> a fellow who, in his heart, really believes a rich person should get a square deal <strong>7</strong> &lt;Leo C. Rosten&gt; one who admires radicals centuries after they&#8217;re dead<br />
<strong>considerable</strong> &#8211; what bullfighters do<br />
<strong>consist</strong> &#8211; growth on an inmate<br />
<strong>console</strong> - <strong>1</strong> the bottom of a prisoner&#8217;s shoe <strong>2</strong> [Comput.] what one does to a &#8220;down&#8221; computer<br />
<strong>consolation</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; the knowledge that a better man is more unfortunate than yourself<br />
<strong>conspiracy</strong> &#8211; the opiate of the asses<br />
<strong>constipation</strong> &#8211; [Med.] <strong>1</strong> endangered feces <strong>2</strong> to have and to hold <strong>3</strong> a document that was, before the Clinton administration, important to the U.S. government<br />
<strong>constant</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] a type of pressure felt by programmers<br />
<strong>consul</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; in American politics, a person who having failed to secure and office from the people is given one by the Administration on condition that he leave the country<br />
<strong>consult</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; to seek another&#8217;s disapproval of a course already decided on<br />
<strong>consultant</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a jobless person who shows executives how to work <strong>2</strong> someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time <strong>3</strong> someone who knows 101 ways to make love, but can&#8217;t get a date <strong>4</strong> any ordinary guy more than 50 miles from home <strong>5</strong> on a résumé, the working title of anyone who doesn&#8217;t currently hold a job <strong>6</strong> a tipster disguised as an oracle, especially one who has learned to decamp at high speed in spite of a large briefcase and heavy wallet<br />
<strong>consultation</strong> &#8211; [Med.] to share the wealth<br />
<strong>Continental breakfast</strong> - <strong>1</strong> English for &#8220;not enough food&#8221; <strong>2</strong> a roll in bed with some honey<br />
<strong>contingency fees</strong> &#8211; an amount greater than the gross national product of China<br />
<strong>contingency fleas</strong> &#8211; little insects that live on an attorney&#8217;s dog and his toupee<br />
<strong>contents</strong> &#8211; where criminals sleep while camping<br />
<strong>contraband</strong> &#8211; a group of Nicaraguan guerillas who play music<br />
<strong>contraceptives</strong> &#8211; &lt;Spike Milligan&gt; labor-saving devices to be used on all conceivable occasions<br />
<strong>contractor</strong> &#8211; a gambler who never gets to shuffle, cut or deal<br />
<strong>Contract with America</strong> &#8211; [Politics] a Republican plan to prove that government doesn&#8217;t work<br />
<strong>contralto</strong> &#8211; [Music] a low sort of music that only ladies sing<br />
<strong>contrite</strong> &#8211; the lament of an illiterate person<br />
<strong>control</strong> &#8211; a short, ugly inmate<br />
<strong>convent</strong> &#8211; how inmates get air conditioning<br />
<strong>convention</strong> &#8211; [Politics] four-day circuses where Republicans shout through their snouts and Democrats show their asses<br />
<strong>conversation</strong> - <strong>1</strong> &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; a fair to the display of the minor mental commodities, each exhibitor being too intent upon the arrangement of his own wares to observe those of his neighbor <strong>2</strong> a vocal competition in which the one who is catching their breath is called the listener<br />
<strong>conversation piece</strong> &#8211; a girl who likes to talk in bed<br />
<strong>cook</strong> -[Par., Culin.] Mom&#8217;s other name<br />
<strong>cookie</strong> &#8211; [Culin.] <strong>1</strong> virgin doughnut <strong>2</strong> [Par.] the last item that must be eaten in front of a sibling<br />
<strong>cookout</strong> &#8211; the cook&#8217;s day off<br />
<strong>copper nitrate</strong> &#8211; what policemen get paid for working evenings<br />
<strong>copier</strong> &#8211; a device that shreds paper, flashes mysteriously coded messages, and makes duplicates for everyone in the office who isn&#8217;t interested in reading them<br />
<strong>copulate</strong> &#8211; what an Italian police chief says to an officer who doesn&#8217;t get to work on time<br />
<strong>copulation</strong> &#8211; sex between two consenting police<br />
<strong>copyright</strong> - <strong>1</strong> to duplicate a computer disk without introducing errors <strong>2</strong> please ensure that you don&#8217;t misspell the stuff you&#8217;re stealing<br />
<strong>coordinates</strong> &#8211; a couple of preachers<br />
<strong>cordial</strong> &#8211; describes death by hanging<br />
<strong>corduroy pillows</strong> &#8211; pillows that are making headlines<br />
<strong>core memory</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] a Marine&#8217;s nostalgia<br />
<strong>core storage</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] a receptacle for the center section of apples<br />
<strong>corkscrew</strong> &#8211; [Culin.] a device used to open a conversation<br />
<strong>coronary</strong> &#8211; [Med.] a domesticated yellow bird<br />
<strong>corporation</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; an ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility<br />
<strong>corrupt</strong> &#8211; [Politics] holding an office of trust or profit<br />
<strong>corsair</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; a politician of the seas<br />
<strong>cortisone</strong> &#8211; [Med.] the local courthouse<br />
<strong>Corvette</strong> &#8211; a person who has eaten lots of apples<br />
<strong>cosine</strong> &#8211; when someone else agrees to pay your mortgage if you don&#8217;t<br />
<strong>cosmetics</strong> &#8211; means to prevent men from reading between the lines<br />
<strong>couch potato</strong> &#8211; [Par.] what Mom finds under the sofa cushions after the kids eat dinner<br />
<strong>counter</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] a device over which Old Fashions are served<br />
<strong>counterfeiter</strong> &#8211; [Econ.] <strong>1</strong> a worker who puts together kitchen furnishings <strong>2</strong> the only person who doesn&#8217;t lose money on bad bills <strong>3</strong> a man who is always forging ahead in life <strong>4</strong> a rare individual who has no problem making money&#8211;only how to spend it<br />
<strong>counter-intelligence</strong> &#8211; the force that causes individuals to vote democrat<br />
<strong>courage</strong> &#8211; a fear extinguisher<br />
<strong>court</strong> &#8211; place where they dispense with justice<br />
<strong>cousin</strong> &#8211; the relative most likely to be responsible for your trouble<br />
<strong>cow</strong> &#8211; machine that makes grass palatable for humans<br />
<strong>coward</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; one who, in case of danger, thinks with his legs<br />
<strong>cowlick</strong> &#8211; bashing a cow<br />
<strong>cowhide</strong> &#8211; game of hide and seek played by cows<br />
<strong>CPU</strong> &#8211; /Central Propulsion Unit/ the computer&#8217;s engine. It consists of a hard drive, an interface card and a tiny spinning wheel that&#8217;s powered by a running rodent: a gerbil if the machine is a Pentium, a ferret if it&#8217;s a Pentium II, a castrated ferret if it&#8217;s a Celeron, and a ferret on speed if it&#8217;s a Pentium III or 4.<br />
<strong>crab</strong> &#8211; [Aviation] the airport Duty Officer<br />
<strong>cramming</strong> &#8211; eating too many snacks while studying<br />
<strong>cranium</strong> &#8211; [Med.] place where large birds are kept<br />
<strong>crap</strong> &#8211; what you&#8217;ll find in a dyslexic fisherman&#8217;s cooler<br />
<strong>crash</strong> &#8211; normal termination<br />
<strong>cravings</strong> &#8211; [Par., female-specific] an excuse to gluttonize your way through pregnancy<br />
<strong>creative marketing</strong> &#8211; 15 doughnut shops next to 4 weight loss clinics<br />
<strong>creator</strong> &#8211; &lt;H. L. Mencken&gt; a comedian whose audience is afraid to laugh<br />
<strong>credit</strong> &#8211; [Econ.] <strong>1</strong> the stock in trade of people who are too timid to steal and too proud to beg <strong>2</strong> when hard to get, it is because either the man is not known&#8211;or because he is <strong>3</strong> a modern financial device which allows one to spend money one hasn&#8217;t earned on things one doesn&#8217;t need to impress people one doesn&#8217;t like<br />
<strong>credit card</strong> &#8211; [Econ.] <strong>1</strong> a way to increase one&#8217;s yearning <strong>2</strong> a device that has divided America into two classes: those who have the latest gadgets, and those who pay cash <strong>3</strong> the financial version of fool&#8217;s gold<br />
<strong>creditor</strong> &#8211; [Econ.] <strong>1</strong> the one person who, in adversity, sticks by you closer than a friend <strong>2</strong> a person with a better memory than a debtor<br />
<strong>cremation</strong> &#8211; [Culin.] used in coffee<br />
<strong>Cremona</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; a high-priced violin made in Connecticut<br />
<strong>crescendo</strong> &#8211; [Music] getting louder&#8211;testing the neighbors&#8217; tolerance level<br />
<strong>crestfallen</strong> &#8211; dropped toothpaste<br />
<strong>crew</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a type of haircut favored by Reagan supporters <strong>2</strong> eight men and their sweet cox <strong>3</strong> [Media] a collective name for the group of peons who cover up for the television director<br />
<strong>cribbage</strong> &#8211; a baby&#8217;s bedroom<br />
<strong>criminal</strong> &#8211; [Law] one who gets caught<br />
<strong>criminal justice</strong> &#8211; [Law] when the accused and his attorney go to jail<br />
<strong>criminal lawyer</strong> &#8211; [Law] a redundancy<br />
<strong>criminologist</strong> &#8211; one who will tell you crime doesn&#8217;t pay, unless, of course, you do it well<br />
<strong>crisis</strong> - <strong>1</strong> when you can&#8217;t say &#8220;let&#8217;s forget the whole thing&#8221; <strong>2</strong> [Politics] any situation you want to change<br />
<strong>critic</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; a person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries to please him<br />
<strong>critical mass</strong> &#8211; religious service for book &amp; film reviewers<br />
<strong>critical path method</strong> &#8211; a management technique for losing your shirt under perfect control<br />
<strong>criticism</strong> &#8211; a big bite out of someone&#8217;s back<br />
<strong>crockery</strong> &#8211; artistic medium of the politician<br />
<strong>cross-country skiing</strong> &#8211; [Skiing] a traditional Scandinavian all-terrain snow-traveling technique that is good exercise, doesn&#8217;t require the purchase of costly lift tickets, and has no crowds or lines, so it isn&#8217;t skiing. See cross-country something-or-other.<br />
<strong>cross-country something-or-other</strong> &#8211; [Skiing] touring on skis along trails in scenic wilderness, gliding through snow-hushed woods far from the hubbub of the ski slopes, hearing nothing but the whispery hiss of the skis slipping through snow and the muffled tinkle of car keys dropping into the puffy powder of a deep, wind-sculpted drift.<br />
<strong>cross-eyed teacher</strong> &#8211; a teacher that loses control over his or her pupils<br />
<strong>crowbar</strong> &#8211; where birds can get a drink<br />
<strong>crust</strong> &#8211; part of a sandwich saved for the starving children of China, India, Africa, or Europe<br />
<strong>crypto-</strong> &#8211; [Philos.] I&#8217;m the only one who knows your wrongness<br />
<strong><em>cum laude</em></strong> &#8211; [Southern U.S.] how students in southern universities call dogs named Laude<br />
<strong>cunnilingus</strong> &#8211; piece meal<br />
<strong>cup holder</strong> &#8211; a CD-ROM drive<br />
<strong>curiosity</strong> &#8211; a universal congenital disease, usually outgrown without impact<br />
<strong>currant</strong> &#8211; to yell at a scoundrel<br />
<strong>current</strong> &#8211; to lease a mangy dog<br />
<strong>cursor</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] <strong>1</strong> an expert in 4-letter words, usually those uttered after a computer malfunction or a routine Windows upgrade <strong>2</strong> one whose program will not run<br />
<strong>cyclic redundancy check</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] two locks on the same bicycle<br />
<strong>cymbal</strong> &#8211; [Music] what they use on deer-crossing signs so you know what to sight-in your pistol with<br />
<strong>cynic</strong> - <strong>1</strong> someone who smells the flowers and looks for the casket <strong>2</strong> one who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced eye <strong>3</strong> &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; one whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be<br />
<strong>cynical</strong> &#8211; experienced<br />
<strong>cystogram</strong> &#8211; [Med.] a cable sent to one&#8217;s sister<br />
<strong><em>da capo</em></strong> &#8211; [Music] a type of coffee<br />
<strong>Dachshund</strong> &#8211; &lt;H. L. Mencken&gt; an animal half a dog high by a dog and a half long<br />
<strong>Dalmatian</strong> &#8211; consignment to Hell<br />
<strong>damnation</strong> &#8211; beaver country<br />
<strong>dance</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a navel engagement without the loss of seamen <strong>2</strong> vertical expression of a horizontal idea<br />
<strong>D&amp;C</strong> &#8211; where Washington is<br />
<strong>dare</strong> &#8211; not here<br />
<strong>dark ages</strong> &#8211; 8 pm to 5:30 a.m. daily<br />
<strong>data</strong> &#8211; an accrual of straws on the backs of theories<br />
<strong>database</strong> &#8211; more information than you&#8217;ll ever need<br />
<strong>date</strong> - <strong>1</strong> [Par.] infrequent outings with dad where mom can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting <strong>2</strong> an organized meeting with someone who has yet to realize their intense dislike for you<br />
<strong>date rape</strong> &#8211; [Law] sexual assault on a calendar<br />
<strong>dating</strong> &#8211; the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don&#8217;t especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future<br />
<strong>daughter</strong> &#8211; a person who dad likes because she reminds him why he married his wife, and who mother is afraid of because she reminds her of why her husband married her<br />
<strong>dawn</strong> - <strong>1</strong> &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; the time when men of reason go to bed <strong>2</strong> when the sun first shines on your hangover<br />
<strong>day</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; a period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent<br />
<strong>daylight</strong> &#8211; a redundant word<br />
<strong>daze</strong> - <strong>1</strong> opposite of knights <strong>2</strong> [Southern U.S.] they are<br />
<strong>dead</strong> &#8211; terminally inconvenienced<br />
<strong>dead reckoning</strong> - <strong>1</strong> [Aviation] you reckon correctly, or you are <strong>2</strong> [Naut.] a course leading directly to a reef<br />
<strong>dead rise</strong> &#8211; [Naut.] getting up to check the anchor at 0300<br />
<strong>deadline oriented</strong> &#8211; [Emp.] you&#8217;ll be six months behind schedule on your first day<br />
<strong>deadwood</strong> &#8211; anyone in your company who is more senior than you are<br />
<strong>deafness</strong> &#8211; [Canine] this is a malady which affects dogs when their person want them in and they want to stay out; symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down<br />
<strong>death</strong> - <strong>1</strong> something you can live without <strong>2</strong> nature&#8217;s way of telling you to slow down <strong>3</strong> the one experience impossible to put into perspective afterwards <strong>4</strong> God&#8217;s way of telling you not to be such a wise guy <strong>5</strong> Life&#8217;s answer to the question &#8220;Why?&#8221; <strong>5</strong> the greatest kick of all; that&#8217;s why it is saved for last <strong>6</strong> shown to be 99% fatal to laboratory rats <strong>7</strong> the penultimate commercial transaction finalized by probate <strong>8</strong> to stop sinning suddenly<br />
<strong>death row</strong> &#8211; a cemetery<br />
<strong>death wish</strong> &#8211; the only wish that always comes true, whether or not one wishes it to<br />
<strong>debate</strong> &#8211; [Politics] what lures de fish<br />
<strong>debit</strong> &#8211; a common swear word for people who can&#8217;t pay their bills<br />
<strong>debridement</strong> &#8211; [Med.] the feeling experienced by the groom when his spouse-to-be gets cold feet<br />
<strong>debris</strong> - <strong>1</strong> how Tattoo on Fantasy Island warns of an impending hurricane; <em>Debris boss, debris!</em> <strong>2</strong> de kiddie cut<br />
<strong>debugging</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] removing the needles from the haystack. Note: The activity of debugging ends when a programmer gets tired of doing it, not when all the bugs are removed<br />
<strong>debunk</strong> &#8211; where de cowboy sleeps<br />
<strong>debut</strong> &#8211; de part of the body you must park to be seated<br />
<strong>DEC</strong> &#8211; /Definitely Expect Cuts/ [Comput.]<br />
<strong>decagon</strong> &#8211; de way you explain how your vehicle was a total washout in an accident<br />
<strong>decaf</strong> - <strong>1</strong> [Culin.] used to sober up after drinking non-alcoholic beer <strong>2</strong> to deliver a newborn bovine; also, decaffeinated<br />
<strong>decay</strong> &#8211; de letter which comes after de J<br />
<strong>decimate</strong> &#8211; breed with ten people<br />
<strong>decision maker</strong> &#8211; the person in your office who was unable to form a task force before the music stopped<br />
<strong>decline</strong> &#8211; nudists in formation<br />
<strong>deconstruction</strong> &#8211; [Philos.] <strong>1</strong> w/ri(gh)t(e) <strong>2</strong> if I grind you up I can show that even your molecules are wrong<br />
<strong>decoy</strong> &#8211; a flashlight in the pants pocket<br />
<strong>decrease</strong> &#8211; de fold in de pants<br />
<strong>deduce</strong> &#8211; de lowest card in de deck<br />
<strong>defame</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; to lie about another. To tell the truth about another.<br />
<strong>default</strong> &#8211; the hardware&#8217;s, of course<br />
<strong>default directory</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] a black hole: the place where all files that you need disappear to<br />
<strong>defeated</strong> &#8211; chopped off at the ankles<br />
<strong>defense</strong> &#8211; [Law} what you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let de children play outside<br />
<strong>defenseless</strong> - &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; unable to attack<br />
<strong>deferral</strong> - don't hold your breath<br />
<strong>defibrillation</strong> - [Med.] the act of resolving to tell the truth<br />
<strong>defibrillator</strong> &#8211; [Med.] a lie detector<br />
<strong>deficit</strong> &#8211; [Politics] <strong>1</strong> (when your party is out of power) the nation&#8217;s biggest problem <strong>2</strong> (if your party is in power) a necessary economic stimulus<br />
<strong>define</strong> &#8211; [Law] de ting you get fo&#8217; breakin&#8217; de law<br />
<strong>déjà vu</strong> - <strong>1</strong> the illusion of having previously experienced something actually being encountered for the first time <strong>2</strong> the illusion of having previously experienced something actually being encountered for the first time<br />
<strong>delay</strong> &#8211; the greatest remedy for anger<br />
<strong>delayed payment</strong> &#8211; a tourniquet applied at the pockets<br />
<strong>deliberation</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; the act of examining one&#8217;s bread to determine which side it is buttered on<br />
<strong>delicate</strong> &#8211; dainty kitten who likes kosher food<br />
<strong>deliver</strong> - <strong>1</strong> what too much alcohol affects <strong>2</strong> to remove the liver<br />
<strong>deluxe</strong> &#8211; [Travel] barely standard<br />
<strong>democracy</strong> - <strong>1</strong> how voters choose whom to blame <strong>2</strong> four wolves and a lamb voting on lunch <strong>3</strong> &lt;Gerald Barry&gt; you say what you like and do what you&#8217;re told <strong>4</strong> &lt;Charles Bukowski &gt; the difference between a democracy and a dictatorship is that in a democracy you vote first and take orders later; in a dictatorship you don&#8217;t have to waste your time voting. <strong>5</strong> &lt;H. L. Mencken&gt; the theory that the common people know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard<br />
<a name="demonstration"></a><strong>demonstration</strong> &#8211; [Politics] a riot by people you agree with; cf. <a href="http://www.opusforfour.com/definitions.html#mobviolence">mob violence</a><br />
<strong>demote</strong> &#8211; what de king put around de castle<br />
<strong>denial</strong> - <strong>1</strong> how an optimist keeps from becoming a pessimist <strong>2</strong> a river in Egypt<br />
<strong>denounce</strong> &#8211; words that name things, not de verbs, de adjectives, etc<br />
<strong>dense</strong> &#8211; what your car gets in a fender bender<br />
<strong>dentist</strong> - <strong>1</strong> &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; a prestidigitator who puts metal into your mouth, and pulls coins out of your pocket <strong>2</strong> one who lives from hand to mouth <strong>3</strong> one who repairs dings, hail damage, and other types of minor damage on automobiles <strong>4</strong>one who is always looking down in the mouth<br />
<strong>dentures</strong> &#8211; two rows of artificial ivories that may be removed periodically to frighten one&#8217;s grandchildren or provide accompaniment to Spanish music<br />
<strong>Denver</strong> &#8211; a smallish city located just below the &#8216;O&#8217; in Colorado<br />
<strong>depth</strong> &#8211; height turned upside down<br />
<strong>depressed</strong> &#8211; [Med.] <strong>1</strong> wrinkled <strong>2</strong> a fired journalist <strong>3</strong> no longer available in print<br />
<strong>derail</strong> &#8211; the subway in Brooklyn<br />
<strong>derive</strong> &#8211; something to avoid when you derink<br />
<strong>derange</strong> &#8211; a place where de cowboys ride<br />
<strong>deranged</strong> &#8211; driven off the ranch<br />
<strong>dermatology</strong> &#8211; [Med.] rash judgments<br />
<strong>deserter</strong> &#8211; soldier who stuffs himself with all the ice cream and cream cakes<br />
<strong>design</strong> &#8211; what you regret not doing later on<br />
<strong>design simplicity</strong> &#8211; [Ad.] it was developed on a shoe-string budget and manufacturer&#8217;s cost cut to the bone<br />
<strong>desk</strong> &#8211; a large wastebasket with drawers and a phone<br />
<strong>despair</strong> &#8211; de extra tire in de trunk<br />
<strong>despise</strong> &#8211; de persons who work for the CIA<br />
<strong>dessert</strong> &#8211; [Culin.] the reason for eating a meal<br />
<strong>destabilize</strong> &#8211; to take the horse out for a trot<br />
<strong>detail</strong> &#8211; procedure performed on Boxer puppies, specif. to remove a tail<br />
<strong>detention</strong> &#8211; what causes de stress<br />
<strong>dethrone</strong> &#8211; place where people do their best thinking<br />
<strong>deviated septum</strong> &#8211; [Med.] a septum with strange cravings<br />
<strong>deviation</strong> &#8211; [Naut.] any departure from the Captain&#8217;s orders<br />
<strong>deviled eggs</strong> &#8211; [Culin.] what a wicked chicken lays<br />
<strong>dew</strong> &#8211; air that looks wet<br />
<strong>DHTML</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] d&#8217; new HTML: even more buggy than d&#8217; old one<br />
<strong>diagnostic</strong> &#8211; [Med.] to expire not knowing whether God exists<br />
<strong>dialectic</strong> &#8211; [Philos.] I&#8217;m right, but then again, I may be wrong<br />
<strong>diamond</strong> &#8211; a woman&#8217;s idea of a stepping stone to success<br />
<strong>diamond ring</strong> &#8211; jewelry which can later be used as collateral for the divorce lawyers<br />
<strong>diaphragm</strong> &#8211; [Med.] <strong>1</strong> a drawing in geometry <strong>2</strong> a childproof cap<br />
<strong>diarrhea</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a journal of daily events <strong>2</strong> when you can&#8217;t get your shit together<br />
<strong>diary</strong> - <strong>1</strong> book of revelations <strong>2</strong> a book where you keep all of your deepest, most erotic, and intimate secrets because if you didn&#8217;t, you&#8217;d forget them by next week<br />
<strong>diatonic</strong> &#8211; [Music] <strong>1</strong> low fat drink <strong>2</strong> liquid poison<br />
<strong>dictator</strong> - <strong>1</strong> another name for Richard Spud <strong>2</strong> a male potato<br />
<strong>dictionary</strong> &#8211; a place where divorce comes before marriage and success comes before work<br />
<strong>die</strong> - <strong>1</strong> &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; the singular form of &#8220;dice&#8221;; seldom used because of the proverb &#8220;never say die&#8221; <strong>2</strong> &lt;Elbert Hubbard&gt; to stop sinning suddenly<br />
<strong>dieresis</strong> &#8211; a fear held by ambitious primates; <em>If I don&#8217;t stop monkeying around and evolve soon, I&#8217;ll</em> dieresis<br />
<strong>diet</strong> - <strong>1</strong> for people who are thick and tired of it all <strong>2</strong> gut reaction <strong>3</strong> triumph of mind over platter <strong>4</strong> what some women do to their hair <strong>5</strong> keeping willpower dominant over won&#8217;t power <strong>6</strong> the penalty for exceeding the feed limit <strong>7</strong> a brief period of starvation followed by a gain of five pounds<br />
<strong>diet soda</strong> &#8211; [female-specific] a drink bought at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&amp;M&#8217;s.<br />
<strong>digestion</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; the conversion of victuals into virtues<br />
<strong>digital</strong> &#8211; like those numbers that flip on your alarm clock<br />
<strong>digital computer</strong> &#8211; someone who counts on his fingers<br />
<strong>digit emitter</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] sandals<br />
<strong>dilate</strong> &#8211; [Med.] to live long<br />
<strong>dilated pupils</strong> &#8211; [Med.] Lamaze class graduates<br />
<strong>dilation</strong> &#8211; [Med, Par.]one of those things a pregnant woman has to take her doctor&#8217;s word for<br />
<strong>dildo</strong> &#8211; a variety of sweet pickles<br />
<strong>dilemma</strong> - <strong>1</strong> trying to believe someone you normally trust when you know you would lie if you were in their place <strong>2</strong> a type of pickle<br />
<strong>dime</strong> &#8211; dollar after taxes<br />
<strong>diminished fifth</strong> &#8211; [Music] an empty bottle of Jack Daniels<br />
<strong>dimple</strong> &#8211; a pimple going the other way<br />
<strong>dinghy</strong> &#8211; [Naut.] the sound of the ship&#8217;s bell<br />
<strong>dinosaur</strong> &#8211; how a giant lizard feels after a tough workout<br />
<strong>diode</strong> &#8211; what happens to people who don&#8217;t die young<br />
<strong>dios</strong> &#8211; the one true operating system<br />
<strong>dioxin</strong> &#8211; what you say before you kill a herd of buffalo-like cattle<br />
<strong>diphthong</strong> &#8211; bimbo in a string bikini who slurs her speech<br />
<strong>diploma</strong> &#8211; di man who fixes di pipes<br />
<strong>diplomacy</strong> - <strong>1</strong> the art of letting someone else get your way <strong>2</strong> lying in state <strong>3</strong> saying, &#8220;nice doggy&#8221; until you find a large enough rock <strong>4</strong> saying, &#8220;go to hell&#8221; such that they look forward to the trip <strong>5</strong> the nastiest thing in the nicest way <strong>6</strong> &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; the patriotic art of lying for one&#8217;s country<br />
<strong>diplomat</strong> - <strong>1</strong> someone who has the same enemies as you <strong>2</strong> a government official who appeases high-ranking members of third world countries with free parking and a ten cent discount on US oil products <strong>3</strong> a man who can convince his wife she would look fat in a fur coat; cf. &#8220;salesman&#8221;<br />
<strong>dip switch</strong> &#8211; how my sister gets a new boyfriend<br />
<strong>direct sales only</strong> &#8211; [Ad.] factory had big argument with distributor<br />
<strong>disappointment</strong> &#8211; a particular meeting<br />
<strong>disbar</strong> &#8211; as distinguished from dat bar<br />
<strong>disbelief</strong> &#8211; how you tell someone what the green stuff on a tree is<br />
<strong>discord</strong> &#8211; dot to be confuse with datcord<br />
<strong>discount</strong> &#8211; CD store inventory<br />
<strong>discourse</strong> &#8211; [Philos.] talky talky<br />
<strong>disdain</strong> &#8211; di one on your pants<br />
<strong>disgruntled</strong> &#8211; pigs with laryngitis<br />
<strong>disguise</strong> &#8211; such pains. Always troubling dismisses.<br />
<strong>disk</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] what goes out in your back after bending over a computer keyboard for seven hours at a clip<br />
<strong>disk crash</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] a typical computer response to any critical deadline<br />
<strong>dismantled</strong> &#8211; the New York Yankees after 1968<br />
<strong>Disneyland</strong> &#8211; a people trap operated by a mouse<br />
<strong>disobedience</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; the silver lining to the cloud of servitude<br />
<strong>disorient express</strong> &#8211; a state of confusion<br />
<strong>dispirited</strong> &#8211; out of gin<br />
<strong>displacement</strong> &#8211; [Naut.] when you dock your boat and can&#8217;t find it later<br />
<strong>disrobe</strong> &#8211; to tell off a monk at a nudist colony<br />
<strong>dissects</strong> &#8211; killer intercourse<br />
<strong>distinctive</strong> &#8211; [Ad.] a different shape and color than the others<br />
<strong>diverse</strong> &#8211; poetry about death<br />
<strong>divest</strong> &#8211; to change the color of a waistcoat<br />
<strong>divorce</strong> - <strong>1</strong> postgraduate in School of Love <strong>2</strong> &lt;Robin Williams&gt; Latin for &#8220;to rip out a man&#8217;s genitals through his wallet&#8221; <strong>3</strong>a change of wife<br />
<strong>divorce court</strong> &#8211; hall of blame<br />
<strong>D-minus</strong> &#8211; [Academia] a pretty good grade<br />
<strong>DNA</strong> &#8211; building block of life; appropriately shaped like a spiral staircase to nowhere<br />
<strong>doctor</strong> &#8211; [Med.] <strong>1</strong> cures ills with pills and kills with bills <strong>2</strong> a lucky fellow who is privileged to undress women and go all over them without getting his face slapped <strong>3</strong> a professional who enjoys bad health<br />
<strong>document</strong> &#8211; what you ask the doctor when you don&#8217;t understand him<br />
<strong>documentation</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] <strong>1</strong> describes the way the program used to be, or perhaps the way it should have been <strong>2</strong>instructions translated from Swedish by Japanese for English-speaking persons<br />
<strong>dodo</strong> &#8211; a double negative with a head cold<br />
<strong>dog</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a creature who hears a burglar, barks once, then hides in the closet <strong>2</strong> a foot warmer that must be fed<br />
<strong>dog bed</strong> &#8211; [Canine] any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly-upholstered couch in the living room<br />
<strong>doghouse</strong> &#8211; mutt hut<br />
<strong>dog kennel</strong> &#8211; barking lot<br />
<strong>dogma</strong> &#8211; puppy&#8217;s mom<br />
<strong>dogmatic</strong> - <strong>1</strong> run by canine power <strong>2</strong> man&#8217;s best mechanical friend<br />
<strong>dogmatism</strong> &#8211; fully grown puppymatism<br />
<strong>dog paddle</strong> &#8211; a rolled-up newspaper with which to punish a dog without hurting it<br />
<strong>dog pound</strong> &#8211; used cur lot<br />
<strong>Dolly</strong> &#8211; a girl like ewe<br />
<strong>donation</strong> &#8211; a country of female deer<br />
<strong>donkey</strong> &#8211; instrument to get you into the godfather&#8217;s house<br />
<strong>dope traffic</strong> &#8211; dumb drivers<br />
<strong>door</strong> &#8211; something a cat is always on the wrong side of<br />
<strong>dorm</strong> &#8211; [Academia] student residence located only a few convenient miles from 8 a.m. classes<br />
<strong>dorm room</strong> &#8211; [Academia] a small closet-like area inhabited by a pair of incompatible people<br />
<strong>DOS</strong> /Dead On Site/ <em>or</em> /Defunct Operating System/ [Comput.] an operating system used by lemmings. DOS computers are by far the most popular. Macintosh users, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.<br />
<strong>double-blind experiment</strong> &#8211; an experiment in which the chief researcher believes they are fooling both the subject and the lab assistant; often accompanied by a strong belief in the tooth fairy<br />
<strong>dot matrix</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] old Dan Matrix&#8217;s wife<br />
<strong>double-blind experiment</strong> &#8211; an experiment in which the chief researcher believes he is fooling both the subject and the lab assistant. Often accompanied by a strong belief in the tooth fairy.<br />
<strong>doughnut</strong> &#8211; [Culin.] holey food<br />
<strong>down for the count</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a nobleman&#8217;s comforter <strong>2</strong> goose feathers for Dracula<br />
<strong>download</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] <strong>1</strong> a truck full of feathers <strong>2</strong> how a computer eats<br />
<strong>draft</strong> &#8211; an ill wind from which many a young man has caught his death<br />
<strong>drainage</strong> &#8211; the length of time a sewer has been in existence<br />
<strong>dramatize</strong> &#8211; what well-dressed actors wear<br />
<strong>dreadlocks</strong> &#8211; fear of opening the deadbolt<br />
<strong>drill press</strong> &#8211; a tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against the rolling stones poster over the bench grinder<br />
<strong>drill sergeant</strong> &#8211; private instructor<br />
<strong>drinking glass</strong> &#8211; [Par.] any carton or bottle left open in the fridge<br />
<strong>drool</strong> &#8211; [Canine] what you do when your persons have food and you don&#8217;t; to do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps<br />
<strong>drooling</strong> &#8211; [Par.] how teething babies wash their chins<br />
<strong>drug</strong> &#8211; a substance that, when injected into a rat, produces a scientific paper<br />
<strong>duck</strong> &#8211; chicken on snow shoes<br />
<strong>due date</strong> &#8211; [Academia] what only seems light-years away<br />
<strong>duel</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a fight over love and money or jealousy and infidelity, for example <strong>2</strong> [Music] music sung by two people<br />
<strong>duet</strong> &#8211; [Music] don&#8217;t just sit there!<br />
<strong>due tomorrow</strong> &#8211; [Academia] do tomorrow<br />
<strong>dumbwaiter</strong> &#8211; one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert<br />
<strong>dump</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] <strong>1</strong> a system programmer&#8217;s work area <strong>2</strong> the place all your former hobbies wind up soon after you install your computer <strong>3</strong> a place where bad mechanics go shopping for parts<br />
<strong>dust</strong> - <strong>1</strong> insidious interloping particles of evil that turn a home into a battle zone <strong>2</strong> mud with the juice squeezed out<br />
<strong>dust rags</strong> &#8211; see &#8220;Dad&#8217;s underwear&#8221;<br />
<strong>Dutch treat</strong> &#8211; when two businessmen have dinner and each uses his own expense account<br />
<strong>duties will vary</strong> &#8211; [Emp.] anyone in the office can boss you around<br />
<strong>duty</strong> &#8211; &lt;Oscar Wilde&gt; what one expects from others<br />
<strong>DWORD</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] four-letter words used by programmers in a state of confusion<br />
<strong>dyke</strong> &#8211; a woman who kick-starts her vibrator<br />
<strong>dysentery</strong> &#8211; what you get when dissent merges with commentary<br />
<strong>ear</strong> &#8211; a place where kids store dirt<br />
<strong>earnest</strong> &#8211; hair growing in a man&#8217;s ears<br />
<strong>earthquake</strong> &#8211; a topographical error<br />
<strong>Easter</strong> &#8211; not as far west<br />
<strong>easy</strong> &#8211; a woman who has the morals of a man<br />
<strong>Easy Street</strong> &#8211; a line of blondes<br />
<strong>eat</strong> &#8211; [Par.] what kids do between meals, but not at them<br />
<strong>eclipse</strong> &#8211; what a barber does<br />
<strong>echo</strong> &#8211; the only thing that can&#8217;t stop you getting the last word<br />
<strong>eclectic</strong> &#8211; [Philos.] you are wrong in a lot of different ways<br />
<strong>economics</strong> &#8211; [Econ.] the science dealign with life&#8217;s two greatest problems: how to make money, and how to get along without it <strong>2</strong> the only academic field where two people can win the Nobel prize for proposing opposite theories <strong>3</strong> a discipline governed by some laws that do not apply to the female gender&#8211;a woman without principle <em>always</em> draws interest<br />
<strong>economist</strong> &#8211; [Econ.] <strong>1</strong> an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn&#8217;t happen today <strong>2</strong> a person who knows more about money than people who have it <strong>3</strong> one of a group of people who, if laid end to end, couldn&#8217;t reach a conclusion <strong>4</strong> one of a band of educated men and women who define and codify the laws of greed <strong>5</strong> an ambidextrous individual who is always saying, &#8220;&#8230;on the other hand&#8221; <strong>6</strong> one who firmly believes that they are needed by the poor to tell them that they are <strong>7</strong> a person who works with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant<br />
<strong>economy</strong> &#8211; [Econ.] <strong>1</strong> buying the tank of gas that you can&#8217;t afford for the car you couldn&#8217;t afford <strong>2</strong> a fool&#8217;s goal&#8211;and he will pay any price to get it<br />
<strong>ecstasy</strong> &#8211; the feeling you get when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before<br />
<strong>ecstatic</strong> &#8211; formerly charged with electric particles<br />
<strong>ecumenical</strong> &#8211; learning to get along with the opposite sects<br />
<strong>edible</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; good to eat and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm<br />
<strong>editing</strong> &#8211; a rewording activity<br />
<strong>editor</strong> &#8211; one who spends their time righting instead of writing<br />
<strong>educated</strong> &#8211; [Pers.] college dropout<br />
<strong>education</strong> - <strong>1</strong> &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; that which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding <strong>2</strong> [Politics] proof positive that government can do some things more economically than private enterprise<strong>3</strong> &lt;B. F. Skinner&gt; what survives when what has been learned has been forgotten<br />
<strong>education budget</strong> &#8211; [Academia] money you allocate each month for movies and magazines<br />
<strong>egghead</strong> - <strong>1</strong> what Mrs. Dumpty gives Humpty <strong>2</strong> <strong>a</strong> a brainy student who studies all the time and gets straight A&#8217;s <strong>b</strong> that same student once you&#8217;ve dropped eggs on him from the roof of the science lab<br />
<strong>ego</strong> &#8211; that part of the psyche that realizes there is an outside world filled with idiots<br />
<strong>egocentric</strong> &#8211; a person who believes he is everything you know you are<br />
<strong>egotist</strong> - <strong>1</strong> someone who is usually me-deep in conversation <strong>2</strong> one who suffers from I strain <strong>3</strong> &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; a person of poor taste who is more interested in himself than you <strong>4</strong> someone who talks much and thinks little <strong>5</strong> one who does crossword puzzles with a pen<br />
<strong>ejaculate</strong> &#8211; Jill greeting her boyfriend and informing him he&#8217;s been tardy again<br />
<strong>elastic</strong> &#8211; a synthetic material designed to make Oprah&#8217;s pants<br />
<strong>election</strong> &#8211; an advance auction of stolen goods<br />
<strong>election campaigning</strong> &#8211; [Politics] foreplay before you get screwed<br />
<strong>electrician</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a person who wires for money <strong>2</strong> a switch doctor<br />
<strong>electrocution</strong> &#8211; burning at the stake with all the modern improvements<br />
<strong>electroshock</strong> &#8211; [Med.] the effect of a utility bill<br />
<strong>elephant</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a mouse built to government specifications <strong>2</strong> a useful animal with a vacuum cleaner in front and a rug beater at the back<br />
<strong>elixir</strong> &#8211; [Med.] what a dog does to his owner when she gives him a bone<br />
<strong>elliptical</strong> &#8211; what a kiss feels like<br />
<strong>elope</strong> &#8211; to form a secret merger<br />
<strong>eloquence</strong> &#8211; &lt;François de la Rochefoucald&gt; saying the proper thing and stopping<br />
<strong>emergency numbers</strong> &#8211; the police station, fire department, and places that deliver<br />
<strong>emesis</strong> &#8211; [Med.] a pop group with Phil Collins<br />
<strong>emotion</strong> &#8211; a vibrating web page<br />
<a name="emotionalissue"></a><strong>emotional issue</strong> &#8211; [Politics] a political controversy involving the convictions of conservatives; cf. <a href="http://www.opusforfour.com/definitions.html#matterofprinciple">matter of principle</a><br />
<strong>emotionally secure</strong> &#8211; [Pers.] medicated<br />
<strong>employed</strong> &#8211; [Pers.] has part-time job stuffing envelopes at home<br />
<strong>empty nest</strong> &#8211; [Par.] see &#8220;wishful thinking&#8221;<br />
<strong>encrypt</strong> - <strong>1</strong> where Egyptian mummies sleep <strong>2</strong> what one does with a dead language<br />
<strong>enema</strong> - <strong>1</strong> not a friend <strong>2</strong> a goose with a gush<br />
<strong>energy</strong> &#8211; [Par.] element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until asked to do something<br />
<strong>enhance</strong> &#8211; to tamper with an image, usually to its detriment<br />
<strong>engineer&#8217;s estimate</strong> &#8211; the cost of construction in heaven<br />
<strong>engine failure</strong> &#8211; [Aviation] a condition which occurs when all fuel tanks become filled with air<br />
<strong>enjoys arts &amp; opera</strong> &#8211; [Pers.] snob<br />
<strong>enjoys nature</strong> &#8211; [Pers.] bring your own granola<br />
<strong>enlist</strong> &#8211; n, n, n, n, n<br />
<strong>en masse</strong> &#8211; a large Sunday morning church service<br />
<strong>enough</strong> &#8211; The End<br />
<strong>enter</strong> &#8211; Northerner talk fer, c&#8217;mon in y&#8217;all<br />
<strong>enthusiasm</strong> &#8211; the energy of youth that goes away with experience<br />
<strong>entrance exam</strong> &#8211; a precoital check-up<br />
<strong>entreprenuer</strong> &#8211; a high-rolling risk taker who would rather be a spectacular failure than a dismal success<br />
<strong>entry-level</strong> &#8211; [Emp.] pays nothing<br />
<strong>entomology</strong> &#8211; to fear no weevil<br />
<strong>envelope</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; the coffin of a document; the scabbard of a bill; the husk of a remittance; the bed-gown of a love-letter<br />
<strong>envy</strong> &#8211; wishing one had born with an unfair advantage, instead of having to try and acquire one<br />
<strong>epiphenomenon</strong> &#8211; [Philos.] this sentence is neither right nor wrong, as it is the product of a chemical reaction<br />
<strong>episiotomy</strong> &#8211; [Med.] cutting a wide birth<br />
<strong>epistemology</strong> &#8211; [Philos.] how I know I&#8217;m right and you&#8217;re wrong<br />
<strong>epistle</strong> &#8211; what apostle&#8217;s are always firing off<br />
<strong>epitaph</strong> &#8211; a statement that lies above about the person that lies below<br />
<strong>epoch</strong> &#8211; the sound made by a hen<br />
<strong>EPS</strong> &#8211; /eventual prison sentence/ [Econ.]<br />
<strong>erection</strong> &#8211; when the Japanese vote for their new government officials<br />
<strong>Erie canal</strong> &#8211; a spooky waterway<br />
<strong>erode</strong> &#8211; he didn&#8217;t walk<br />
<strong>erogenous zone</strong> &#8211; the skin you touch to love<br />
<strong>erotic</strong> &#8211; small bug from Europe<br />
<strong>error</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] <strong>1</strong> someone else&#8217;s non-satisfaction with your computer output <strong>2</strong> what you made the first time you walked into a computer showroom to &#8220;just look&#8221;<br />
<strong>error message</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] terse, baffling remark used by programmers to place blame on users for the program&#8217;s shortcomings, e.g., <em>Welcome to Windows!</em><br />
<strong>erudite</strong> &#8211; exhibiting a degree of book learning fatal to success in any business or romantic enterprise<br />
<strong>escape</strong> &#8211; one size larger than an &#8220;R&#8221; cape<br />
<strong>escape sequence</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] distract guard, dig tunnel, cut through fence&#8230;<br />
<strong>esplanade</strong> &#8211; an explanation attempted while drunk<br />
<strong>estimated position</strong> &#8211; [Naut., Aviation] a place you have marked on the chart where you are sure you are not<br />
<strong>etc.</strong> &#8211; used to make it appear as if you know more than you do etc<br />
<strong>eternity</strong> &#8211; [female-specific] <strong>1</strong> the last two minutes of a football game <strong>2</strong> the length of time between when you come and he leaves<br />
<strong>Ethernet</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] a devithe for catching the Ether Bunny<br />
<strong>etiquette</strong> - <strong>1</strong> when you make your guests feel at home when you wish they were <strong>2</strong> saying &#8220;No, thank you,&#8221; when you want to yell, &#8220;Gimme!&#8221;<br />
<strong>eulogy</strong> &#8211; study of the 25th letter<br />
<strong>eunuch</strong> &#8211; a man cut out to be a bachelor<br />
<strong>Europe</strong> &#8211; the next one to bat<br />
<strong>Eustachian</strong> &#8211; &#8220;gesundheit!&#8221;<br />
<strong>euthanasia</strong> &#8211; [Med.] young people from Asia<br />
<strong>evangelist</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; a bearer of good tidings who gives us the good news and assures us of our own salvation and damnation of our neighbors<br />
<strong>evaporate</strong> &#8211; [par.] magic trick performed by children when it comes time to clear the table or wash the dishes<br />
<strong>evil</strong> &#8211; Adam&#8217;s wife is sick<br />
<strong>evolution</strong> - <strong>1</strong> from goo to you by way of the zoo <strong>2</strong> Nature&#8217;s way of upgrading the hardware <strong>3</strong> how scientists make monkeys of themselves<br />
<strong>excel</strong> &#8211; a freed prisoner<br />
<strong>exception</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose bierce&gt; a thing which takes the liberty to differ from other things of its class, as an honest man, a truthful woman, etc. &#8220;The exception proves the rule&#8221; is an expression constantly upon the lips of the ignorant, who parrot it from one another with never a thought of its absurdity. In the Latin, &#8220;<em>Exceptio probat regulam</em>&#8221; means that the exception<em>tests</em> the rule, puts it to the proof, not <em>confirms</em> it. The malefactor who drew the meaning from this excellent dictum and substituted a contrary one of his own exerted an evil power which appears to be immortal.<br />
<strong>excitement</strong> &#8211; two women plus one secret<br />
<strong>exclusive</strong> &#8211; [Ad.] <strong>1</strong> we&#8217;re the only ones who have the documentation <strong>2</strong> imported product<br />
<strong>excuse me</strong> &#8211; [Par.] one of Mom&#8217;s favorite phrases, reportedly used in past times by children<br />
<strong>executive suite</strong> &#8211; a sugar daddy<br />
<a name="exegesis"></a><strong>exegesis</strong> &#8211; [Philos.] I know what it means and I can discourse all day about it; cf. <a href="http://www.opusforfour.com/definitions.html#hermeneutics">hermeneutics</a><br />
<strong>exercise</strong> &#8211; [female-specific] to walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.<br />
<strong>exercise nut</strong> &#8211; someone who works hard convincing himself that exercise isn&#8217;t work<br />
<strong>exhibitionist</strong> &#8211; a person who discards three aces in strip poker<br />
<strong>existential</strong> &#8211; [Philos.] don&#8217;t feel bad&#8211;everyone is wrong<br />
<strong>Ex-Lax</strong> &#8211; formerly the Los Angeles Airport<br />
<strong>exotic dancer</strong> &#8211; a girl who brings home the bacon a strip at a time<br />
<strong>expansion slots</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] the extra holes in your belt buckle<br />
<strong>expansion unit</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] the new room you have to build on to your home to house your computer and all its peripherals<br />
<strong>expectation</strong> &#8211; a gay couple buying a baby&#8217;s cot<br />
<strong>expelled</strong> &#8211; a retired witch<br />
<strong>expense</strong> &#8211; [Econ.] something not hard to meet&#8211;they&#8217;re everywhere<br />
<strong>expense account</strong> &#8211; [Econ.] <strong>1</strong> a system which allows you to squander money before the government gets a chance to do it for you <strong>2</strong> corporate food stamps<br />
<strong>experience</strong> - <strong>1</strong> perils of wisdom <strong>2</strong> what causes one to think twice before saying nothing <strong>3</strong> &lt;Oscar Wilde&gt; a name everyone gives to his mistakes <strong>4</strong> what you get when you don&#8217;t get what you want <strong>5</strong> &lt;Ambrose bierce&gt; the wisdom that enables us to recognize as an undesirable old acquaintance the folly that we have already embraced <strong>6</strong> [Emp.] something you can&#8217;t get unless you&#8217;ve already got it, in which case you probably don&#8217;t want any more of it<br />
<strong>experiment</strong> &#8211; an undertaking to prove a hypothesis, such as &#8220;one-legged cats are easier to throw,&#8221; or &#8220;cats without legs never land on all fours&#8221;<br />
<strong>expert</strong> - <strong>1</strong> an unknown drip under pressure <strong>2</strong> someone who comes from out of town and shows slides <strong>3</strong> a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping on to the grand fallacy<br />
<strong>exploration</strong> &#8211; beating around the bush<br />
<strong>explore on your own</strong> &#8211; [Travel] at your own expense<br />
<strong>express</strong> &#8211; formerly of print media<br />
<strong>extended beta</strong> &#8211; [Ad.] the production release will be &#8220;real soon now&#8221;<br />
<strong>extent</strong> &#8211; place to put your former spouse<br />
<strong>external storage</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] wastebasket<br />
<strong>extra credit</strong> &#8211; [Academia] what you wish you had on your credit card<br />
<strong>extravagance</strong> &#8211; the way other people spend money<br />
<strong>extremely professional</strong> &#8211; [Emp.] I carry a day-timer<br />
<strong>eye</strong> &#8211; [Par.] the highly vulnerable optical system which, according to Mom, can be &#8220;put out&#8221; by anything from a suction-arrow to a carelessly handled butter knife<br />
<strong>eye contact</strong> &#8211; a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him; despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman&#8217;s eyes are not located in her chest<br />
<strong>eyedropper</strong> &#8211; [Med.] a clumsy ophthalmologist<br />
<strong>eye for detail</strong> &#8211; [Emp.] we have no quality control<br />
<strong>e-z out bolt and stud extractor</strong> &#8211; a tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is 10 times harder than any known drill bit<br />
<strong><em>f</em></strong> &#8211; [Music] loud, the neighbors are out<br />
<strong>F</strong> &#8211; [Academia] school grade that can usually be altered to look like a &#8220;B&#8221;<br />
<strong>fable</strong> &#8211; a story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew<br />
<strong>facts</strong> &#8211; things which tend to moderate opinions<br />
<strong>fad</strong> - <strong>1</strong> in one era and out the other <strong>2</strong> a folly committed by enough of the right people to confer upon it a badge of status<br />
<strong>fairy tale</strong> &#8211; a horror story to prepare children for the newspapers<br />
<strong>faith</strong> - <strong>1</strong> &lt;Ambrose bierce&gt; belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel <strong>2</strong> where your eyeth, nothe and mouth are located <strong>3</strong> That quality which enables us to believe what we know to be untrue<br />
<strong>fakir</strong> &#8211; a psychologist whose charismatic data have inspired almost religious devotion in his followers, even though the sources seem to have shinnied up a rope and vanished<br />
<strong>fallacy</strong> &#8211; [Philos.] why you don&#8217;t even know you&#8217;re wrong<br />
<strong>false consciousness</strong> &#8211; [Philos.] deep down you know I&#8217;m right<br />
<strong>falsehood</strong> &#8211; someone who pretends to be a gangster<br />
<strong>false pregnancy</strong> &#8211; laboring under a misconception<br />
<strong>family planning</strong> &#8211; [Par.] the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster<br />
<strong>fanatic</strong> - <strong>1</strong> one who, having lost sight of his goal, redoubles his efforts <strong>2</strong> &lt;Winston Churchill&gt; one who can&#8217;t change his mind and won&#8217;t change the subject <strong>3</strong> where you store your fans in the winter<br />
<strong>fan club</strong> &#8211; weapon used by a celebrity so he won&#8217;t be crushed by fans<br />
<strong>fancy restaurant</strong> &#8211; [Culin.] one that serves cold soup on purpose<br />
<strong>far</strong> &#8211; [Southern U.S.] a conflagration<br />
<strong>fast-paced company</strong> &#8211; [Emp.] we have no time to train you<br />
<strong>fashion</strong> - <strong>1</strong> something that goes in one year and out the other <strong>2</strong> a form of ugliness so intolerable that it changes every six months <strong>3</strong> &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; a despot whom the wise ridicule and obey<br />
<strong>fast food</strong> &#8211; [Culin.] economy gastronomy<br />
<strong>fastidious</strong> &#8211; girl who is both easy and hideous<br />
<strong>fatalist</strong> &#8211; one who passes all his days in continual expectation of the unexpected<br />
<strong>fat free</strong> &#8211; no extra charge for the fat<br />
<strong>father</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a banker provided by nature <strong>2</strong> someone who has redeemed the money in his wallet for snapshots<br />
<strong>father-in-law</strong> &#8211; the fellow who is now happy to have paid for the wedding because now his wife has another man to harass<br />
<strong>Father&#8217;s Day</strong> &#8211; nine months before labor day<br />
<strong>fear</strong> &#8211; /False Evidence Appearing Real/<br />
<strong>feast</strong> &#8211; an eat wave<br />
<strong>feast of the vestal virgins</strong> &#8211; cherries jubilee<br />
<strong>featherbrained</strong> &#8211; fuzzyheaded<br />
<strong>feather head</strong> &#8211; an American Indian chief<br />
<strong>feature</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] <strong>1</strong> a hardware limitation as described by a marketing representative <strong>2</strong> a defect with seniority <strong>3</strong> a surprising property of a program, occasionaly documented. To call a property a feature sometimes means the author did not consider that case, and the program makes an unexpected, though not necessarily wrong response. A bug can be changed to a feature by documenting it. <em>That&#8217;s not a bug, it&#8217;s a feature!</em><br />
<strong>feces</strong> &#8211; what Bill Clinton sees in the mirror<br />
<strong>federal budget</strong> &#8211; [Politics] a work of fiction about government spending<br />
<strong>feedback</strong> &#8211; [Par.] the inevitable result when your baby doesn&#8217;t appreciate the strained carrots<br />
<strong>felicity</strong> &#8211; a town inhabited by happy cats<br />
<strong>feline</strong> &#8211; opposite of &#8220;he&#8221; lion<br />
<strong>felonious assault</strong> &#8211; attacking someone with a cat<br />
<strong>felt tip</strong> &#8211; past tense for a breast examination<br />
<strong>feminism</strong> &#8211; a political position which seeks to rebuild society so that both men and women are treated as women wish to be treated<br />
<strong>femur</strong> &#8211; not a male<br />
<strong>ferret</strong> - <strong>1</strong> cross between a dachshund and a cat <strong>2</strong> chaos theory with teeth, claws, and a slight odor<br />
<strong>ferritin</strong> &#8211; [Med.] searching for something hurriedly<br />
<strong>fester</strong> - <strong>1</strong> quicker than someone else <strong>2</strong> actor in <em>Gunsmoke</em><br />
<strong>fete</strong> &#8211; a boring party worse than death<br />
<strong>fetus</strong> &#8211; [Med.] a character on <em>Gunsmoke</em><br />
<strong>feudalism</strong> &#8211; it&#8217;s your Count that votes<br />
<strong><em>ff</em></strong> &#8211; [Music] very loud, to hell with the neighbors<br />
<strong>fib</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; a lie that hasn&#8217;t cut it&#8217;s teeth yet; a habitual liar&#8217;s nearest approach to the truth<br />
<strong>fiber</strong> &#8211; edible wood-pulp said to aid digestion and prolong life, so that we might enjoy another six or eight years in which to consume wood-pulp<br />
<strong>fibrillate</strong> &#8211; [Med.] to tell a lie in the wee hours of the morning<br />
<strong>fibroblast</strong> &#8211; [Med.] health food binge<br />
<strong>fibula</strong> &#8211; [Med.] small lie<br />
<strong>fiction</strong> - <strong>1</strong> the story told by a completed income tax form <strong>2</strong> can&#8217;t hold a scandal to biography<br />
<strong>fidelity</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; a virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed<br />
<strong>fiddle</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; an instrument to tickle the human ear by rubbing a horse&#8217;s tail on the gut of a sheep<br />
<strong>field-tested</strong> &#8211; [Ad.] the manufacturer lacked test equipment<br />
<strong>file</strong><sup>1</sup> &#8211; what your secretary can now do to her nails six and a half hours a day, now that the computer does her day&#8217;s work in 30 minutes<br />
<strong>file</strong><sup>2</sup> &#8211; [Comput.] a document that has been saved with an unidentifiable name. It helps to think of a file as something stored in a file cabinet&#8211;except that when you try to remove the file, the cabinet gives you an electric shock and tells you the file format is unknown.<br />
<strong>filibuster</strong> &#8211; throwing one&#8217;s wait around<br />
<strong>filing cabinet</strong> &#8211; a four drawer, manually activated trash compactor<br />
<strong>film</strong> &#8211; a substance which develops over your eyes after watching the same bugs bunny cartoon three times this week<br />
<strong>film department</strong> &#8211; [Media] a museum of people who still have the mistaken notion that television is an art<br />
<strong>filter</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] software that corrupts one file format into another. Many email programs offer the capability to filter email directly into the trash.<br />
<strong>finance</strong> &#8211; [Econ.] modern civilisation&#8217;s art of passing currency from hand to hand until it multiplies at the top, slips through countless middle hands, and disappears from the bottom<br />
<strong>finance company</strong> &#8211; [Econ.] a loan wolf<br />
<strong>financial planner</strong> &#8211; [Econ.] a guy who actually remembers his wallet when he runs to the 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes<br />
<strong>financier</strong> &#8211; [Econ.] <strong>1</strong> a pawnbroker with imagination <strong>2</strong> a successful person who can earn money faster than his family can spend it<br />
<a name="fine"></a><strong>fine</strong> &#8211; tax for doing wrong; cf. <a href="http://www.opusforfour.com/definitions.html#tax">tax</a><br />
<strong>fingers</strong> &#8211; digital calculators<br />
<strong>finite</strong> &#8211; Sir Lancelot<br />
<strong>fire escape</strong> &#8211; a way for a fire to go out<br />
<strong>fireproof</strong> &#8211; being related to the boss<br />
<strong>firewall</strong> &#8211; [Aviation] section of the aircraft specially designed to let heat and smoke enter the cockpit<br />
<strong>first inversion</strong> &#8211; Grandpa&#8217;s battle group at Normandy<br />
<strong>first lady</strong> &#8211; Eve<br />
<strong>first mate</strong> &#8211; [Naut.] crew member necessary for skippers to practice shouting instructions to<br />
<strong>First Officer</strong> &#8211; [Aviation] crew member necessary for Captains to practice shouting instructions to<br />
<strong>first trimester</strong> &#8211; [Par.] the first three months of pregnancy when you wonder, &#8220;Is it too late to hire a surrogate mother?&#8221;<br />
<strong>fish and ships</strong> &#8211; what sea monsters eat<br />
<strong>fish bowl</strong> &#8211; a glass-enclosed isolation cell where newly promoted managers are kept for observation<br />
<strong>fish fryer</strong> &#8211; a chip monk<br />
<strong>fishing</strong> - <strong>1</strong> the act of drowning worms on a hook <strong>2</strong> a man&#8217;s way of hiding a drinking problem<br />
<strong>fission</strong> &#8211; outdoor sport favored by nuclear physicists<br />
<strong>fitness</strong> &#8211; salvation through perspiration<br />
<strong>fixed word length</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] four-letter words used by programmers to describe their state of confusion<br />
<strong>fjord</strong> &#8211; a Norwegian automobile manufacturer<br />
<strong>flabbergasted</strong> &#8211; appalled about weight gain<br />
<strong>flail</strong> &#8211; not to succeed<br />
<strong>flare</strong> &#8211; [Aviation] &lt;Rod Machado&gt; a lighted stick thrown out the window to alert others you are landing<br />
<strong>Flash</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] what some people do to catch your eye<br />
<strong>flashlight</strong> &#8211; a device for storing dead batteries<br />
<strong>flatulence</strong> &#8211; an emergency vehicle for steamroller accident victims<br />
<strong>flight schedule</strong> &#8211; [Aviation] an entertaining work of paperback fiction<br />
<strong>flippant</strong> &#8211; like a fish<br />
<strong>flirt</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a woman who thinks it&#8217;s every man for herself <strong>2</strong> a girl whose favorite man is the next one<br />
<strong>flirtation</strong> &#8211; attention without intention<br />
<strong>floor</strong> &#8211; [Par.] place for all food not found on lap or chair<br />
<strong>floor director</strong> &#8211; [Media] somebody with the mental acumen of a fig bar who is still trying to develop manual skills and must be counted to<br />
<strong>floppy</strong> - <strong>1</strong> the state of your wallet after purchasing a computer <strong>2</strong> the condition of a constant computer user&#8217;s stomach due to lack of exercise and a steady diet of junk food<br />
<strong>floppy disc</strong> - <strong>1</strong> serious curvature of the spine <strong>2</strong> whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood<br />
<strong>florist</strong> &#8211; petal pusher<br />
<strong>flow chart</strong> &#8211; a graphic representation of a bowl of spaghetti<br />
<strong>fluorologist</strong> &#8211; floor washer with a college degree<br />
<strong>flying saucers</strong> &#8211; the wife is on a rampage<br />
<strong>fog</strong> - <strong>1</strong> the air apparent <strong>2</strong> [Aviation] a natural weather phenomenon which usually occurs around an airport while the surrounding areas are clear. Fog is controlled by the airlines and is used to delay flights<br />
<strong>fog lamps</strong> &#8211; excessively or obnoxiously bright lamps mounted on the fronts of automobiles; used on dry, clear nights to indicate that the driver&#8217;s brain is in a fog; see also &#8220;idiot lights&#8221;<br />
<strong>food</strong> &#8211; [Par.] the response mom usually gives in answer to the question &#8220;What&#8217;s for dinner tonight?&#8221;<br />
<strong>food groups</strong> &#8211; [Culin.] chocolate, beer, potato chips and ice cream<br />
<strong>fool</strong> &#8211; &lt;Jose Ortega y Gasset&gt; one who does not suspect himself<br />
<strong>foolproof operation</strong> &#8211; [Ad.] all parameters are hard coded, with no provision for adjustments<br />
<strong>foot</strong> &#8211; a device for finding furniture in the dark<br />
<strong>football</strong> &#8211; a sport where a spectator takes four quarters to finish a fifth<br />
<strong>footnote</strong> &#8211; sole music<br />
<strong>forced</strong> &#8211; place that&#8217;s full of trees<br />
<strong>forebears</strong> &#8211; ancestors who were in favor of grizzlies<br />
<strong>forecast</strong><sup>1</sup> &#8211; a prediction of the future, based on the past, for which the forecaster demands payment in the present<br />
<strong>forecast</strong><sup>2</sup> &#8211; the reason for an audition<br />
<strong>forecasts</strong> &#8211; what you need when you break both arms and legs<br />
<strong>foreclose</strong> &#8211; in favor of or regarding apparel; <em>If I buy food, I&#8217;ll have no money</em> foreclose<br />
<strong>foreign film</strong> &#8211; any movie shown in Texas theater that isn&#8217;t a western<br />
<strong>forepaws</strong> &#8211; moment of silence before a golfer tees off<br />
<strong>foreskin</strong> &#8211; between threeskin and fiveskin<br />
<strong>forest</strong> &#8211; in favor of taking it easy<br />
<strong>forestall</strong> &#8211; to delay a golf game<br />
<strong>forestalls</strong> &#8211; where two pairs of horses are kept<br />
<strong>forfeit</strong> &#8211; what most animals stand on<br />
<strong>forger</strong> &#8211; a person who gives checks a bad name<br />
<strong>forgetfulness</strong> &#8211; a gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their destitution of conscience<br />
<strong>fork</strong> &#8211; eating utensil made obsolete by the discovery of fingers<br />
<strong>form</strong> &#8211; administrative currency<br />
<a name="formal"></a><strong>formal</strong> &#8211; both socks must match; cf. <a href="http://www.opusforfour.com/definitions.html#informal">informal</a>, <a href="http://www.opusforfour.com/definitions.html#semiformal">semiformal</a><br />
<strong>fornication</strong> &#8211; a term used by people who don&#8217;t have anybody to screw with<br />
<strong>fortify</strong> &#8211; more than forty-four, less than forty-six<br />
<strong>fortitude</strong> &#8211; life after age forty-one<br />
<strong>FORTRAN</strong> &#8211; /Fortunately Our Readers Take Refreshers At Night school/ [Comput.]<br />
<strong>fortress</strong> &#8211; shampoo&#8217;s use<br />
<strong>forum</strong> - <strong>1</strong> to like Bacardi more than Absolut <strong>2</strong> a quartet of American Indian golfers<br />
<strong>foul language</strong> &#8211; cheep-cheep-cheep<br />
<strong>foul wind</strong> &#8211; breeze produced by flying turkey<br />
<strong>486</strong> - <strong>1</strong> the average IQ needed to understand a PC <strong>2</strong> the number of times per day a system running Windows crashes<br />
<strong>404</strong> &#8211; this definition could not be found<br />
<strong>four years</strong> &#8211; [Academia] typical response to the question, &#8220;How long have you been a senior?&#8221;<br />
<strong>fracture</strong> &#8211; [Med.] a number less than one<br />
<strong>Frankenstein</strong> &#8211; a hot dog and a mug of beer<br />
<strong>free</strong> &#8211; the number preceding fore<br />
<strong>freeboard</strong> &#8211; food and liquor supplied by the owner<br />
<strong>freelance</strong> &#8211; to collect unemployment<br />
<strong>free spirit</strong> &#8211; [Pers.] substance user<br />
<strong>French horn</strong> &#8211; [Music] your wife says you smell like a cheap one when you come in at 4 a.m.<br />
<strong>fried foods</strong> &#8211; [Culin.] gourmet cooking<br />
<strong>friend</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing <strong>2</strong> one who knows you well, but likes you anyway<br />
<strong>friendship</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; a ship big enough to carry two in fair weather but only one in foul<br />
<strong>friendship first</strong> &#8211; [Pers.] trying to plan how he will get into your pants<br />
<strong>frigid</strong> &#8211; a man&#8217;s term for a woman who wants to have sex less often than he does, or who requires more foreplay than lifting her nightie<br />
<strong>frog</strong> - <strong>1</strong> &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; an amphibian with edible legs <strong>2</strong> the only living thing that has more lives than a cat: it croaks every night<br />
<strong>frozen</strong> &#8211; [Par.] <strong>1</strong> the condition of children&#8217;s jaws when spinach is served <strong>2</strong> how Hell will be when Mom lets her daughter date an older guy with a motorcycle<br />
<strong>fruit</strong> &#8211; [Culin., Par.] a natural sweet not to be confused with dessert<br />
<strong>fruit punch</strong> &#8211; [Culin.] a gay boxing match<br />
<strong>frustration</strong> &#8211; an emotional state experienced by a one-handed man hanging from a cliff with a bad itch<br />
<strong>frying pan</strong> &#8211; [Culin.] standard instrument of destruction for eggs, pancakes, and various vegetable matter. Remains may be removed from surface with diluted solution of sulfuric acid.<br />
<strong>fuchsia</strong> &#8211; opposite of past<br />
<strong>f*** off</strong> &#8211; the tie breaker at the Miss America Beauty Pageant<br />
<strong>fugue</strong> &#8211; [Music] a dispute, such as that between the Hatfields and McCoys<br />
<strong>full grown</strong> &#8211; really loud moan<br />
<strong>full name</strong> &#8211; [Par.] what you call your child by when you&#8217;re mad at him<br />
<strong>full score</strong> &#8211; [Music] ten out of ten<br />
<strong>fun</strong> &#8211; [Pers.] annoying<br />
<strong>fundamentalist</strong> &#8211; one who is beneath thought<br />
<strong>fundi</strong> &#8211; [Med.] what the Princess of Wales was before she married Charles<br />
<a name="funding"></a><strong>funding</strong> &#8211; [Politics] money from the government; cf. <a href="http://www.opusforfour.com/definitions.html#commitment">commitment</a><br />
<strong>funeral home</strong> &#8211; a stately manse occupied by transients who continually receive visitors but lack the energy and inclination to entertain them<br />
<strong>fungi</strong> &#8211; [Med.] <strong>1</strong> life of the party <strong>2</strong> what Prince Charles was before Diana<br />
<strong>funny paper</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a paper that laughs <strong>2</strong> the paper you read instead of going to church<br />
<strong>future</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; that period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured<br />
<strong>futuristic </strong>- [Ad.] <strong>1</strong> there&#8217;s no other reason for it to look the way it does <strong>2</strong> it only runs on the next-generation supercomputer<br />
<strong>gallery</strong> &#8211; ladies&#8217; room<br />
<strong>gambler</strong> &#8211; someone who refuses to work today because he expects to win at the races tomorrow<br />
<strong>ganglia</strong> &#8211; [Med.] a very tall thin person<br />
<strong>gangrene</strong> &#8211; money used by groups of street hoodlums to procure drugs<br />
<strong>garage</strong> &#8211; [Par.] a collection of refuse items, the taking out of which Mom assigns to a different family member each week, then winds up doing herself<br />
<strong>garage sale</strong> &#8211; where you buy things you don&#8217;t really want, but the price is low enough to make you want it<br />
<strong>garbage</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] highly aromatic computer output<br />
<strong>garbage can</strong> &#8211; [Canine] a container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity; you must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose, and, if you do it right, you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread<br />
<strong>gardener</strong> &#8211; plant manager<br />
<strong>gardening</strong> &#8211; the act of making your own bed and lying about it<br />
<strong>gardens</strong> &#8211; weed &#8216;em and reap<br />
<strong>gargoyle</strong> &#8211; olive-flavored mouthwash<br />
<strong>Gatorade</strong> - <strong>1</strong> Florida environmental group <strong>2</strong> welfare for reptiles<br />
<strong>gaucho</strong> &#8211; the Marx brothers&#8217; South American cousin<br />
<strong>genius</strong> &#8211; a nudist with a memory for faces<br />
<strong>genealogy</strong> - <strong>1</strong> chasing your own tale <strong>2</strong> &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; an account of one&#8217;s descent from an ancestor who did not particularly care to trace his own <strong>3</strong> it&#8217;s all relative in the end anyway <strong>4</strong> searching for old papers trying to make a better name for oneself <strong>5</strong> the study of Barbara Eden<br />
<strong>generous</strong> &#8211; to give freely of oneself as long as it doesn&#8217;t require time or money<br />
<strong>genetic engineering</strong> &#8211; tampering with chromosomes so that science might develop a new miracle cure or a rabbit that plays the banjo<br />
<strong>genetics</strong> &#8211; the science of why you look like your father, or if you don&#8217;t, why you should<br />
<strong>genital</strong> &#8211; [Med.] non-Jewish<br />
<strong>genius</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with &#8220;bright&#8221; <strong>2</strong> a nudist with a memory for faces <strong>3</strong> an individual clever enough to be born in the right place at the right time of the right sex and to follow up this advantage by saying all the right things to all the right people<br />
<strong>geniuses</strong> &#8211; [Par.] amazingly, all of mom&#8217;s kids<br />
<strong>genlock</strong> &#8211; why he stays in the bottle<br />
<strong>genocide</strong> &#8211; the mass slaughter of genies<br />
<strong>genotype</strong> &#8211; [Med.] <strong>1</strong> the kind of girl Gino likes <strong>2</strong> what Eugene does at the office<br />
<strong>gentile</strong> - <strong>1</strong> where the groom and best man walk <strong>2</strong> a small island for men only<br />
<strong>gentility</strong> &#8211; [Econ.] that which is left over from rich forbears after the money is gone<br />
<strong>gentle</strong> &#8211; [Pers.] comatose<br />
<strong>gentle breezes</strong> &#8211; [Travel] in hurricane alley<br />
<strong>gentleman</strong> - <strong>1</strong> one who is always careful after goosing a young lady, to restore her dress to its former position <strong>2</strong> one who is always careful to rest at least half his weight on his elbows<br />
<strong>German-Chinese cuisine</strong> &#8211; half an hour after you eat it, you&#8217;re hungry for power<br />
<strong>germinate</strong> &#8211; to become a naturalized German<br />
<strong>germs</strong> &#8211; [Par.] the only things kids share freely<br />
<strong>ghost</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; the outward and visible sign of an inward fear<br />
<strong>ghost town</strong> &#8211; a town full of haunted houses<br />
<strong>gigolo</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a fee male <strong>2</strong> the egg that laid the golden goose<br />
<strong>ginger ale</strong> &#8211; a drink that feels like your foot when it goes to sleep<br />
<strong>Girl Scout</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a boy on the prowl for girls <strong>2</strong> someone who knows the lay of the land and will take you to her<br />
<strong>G.I. series</strong> &#8211; [Med.] World Series of military baseball<br />
<strong>glacier</strong> &#8211; man who fixes windows<br />
<strong>gladiator</strong> &#8211; what you call a smiling Roman with pubic hair between his teeth<br />
<strong>glamour girl</strong> &#8211; a much publicized young thing who is full of oomf, and frequently full of other things; one who doesn&#8217;t worry about the meat shortage<br />
<strong>glass</strong> &#8211; Chinese marijuana<br />
<strong>Glee Club groupie</strong> &#8211; a girl into choral sex<br />
<strong>glide distance</strong> &#8211; [Aviation] half the distance from an airplane to the nearest emergency landing field<br />
<strong>gloves</strong> &#8211; designed to be tight enough around the wrist to restrict circulation, but not so close fitting as to allow any manual dexterity. They should also admit moisture from the outside without permitting any dampness within to escape.<br />
<strong>gluttonous</strong> &#8211; hippobottomless<br />
<strong>God</strong> &#8211; /Generator, Operator and Destroyer/ <strong>1</strong> the only one who actually knows what&#8217;s going on <strong>2</strong> when you forget someone&#8217;s name, use this one <strong>3</strong> Darwin&#8217;s chief rival<br />
<strong>going for a smoke</strong> &#8211; [Academia] intro electronics lab<br />
<strong>gold</strong> &#8211; &lt;Mike Harding, &#8220;The Armchair Anarchist&#8217;s Almanac&#8221;&gt; a soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution. It is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to rich men who immediately bury it back in the earth in great prisons, although gold hasn&#8217;t done anything to them.<br />
<strong>gold-digger</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a sweet young girl with the gift of grab <strong>2</strong> one who believes in sinner take all<br />
<strong>golf</strong> - <strong>1</strong> only game where players get teed off before starting <strong>2</strong> game where the ball usually lies poorly and the player well<strong>3</strong> lovely walk spoiled by a little white ball <strong>4</strong> baseball for those that don&#8217;t have eight friends <strong>5</strong> game where ya gotta get it up to get it in <strong>6</strong> &lt;Woodrow Wilson&gt; a game in which one endeavors to control a ball with implements ill adapted for the purpose <strong>7</strong> &lt;Chi Chi Rodriguez&gt; the most fun you can have without taking your clothes off <strong>8</strong> a game where you come up with different strokes for different lies <strong>9</strong> a game that you gotta have balls to play<br />
<strong>golfer</strong> &#8211; one who yells &#8220;Fore!&#8221;, takes five, writes down three<br />
<strong>gonzo</strong> &#8211; no dweeb<br />
<strong>goodbye</strong> &#8211; a bargain<br />
<strong>good government</strong> &#8211; [Politics] an oxymoron with the benefit of alliteration<br />
<strong>good listener</strong> &#8211; [Pers.] borderline autistic<br />
<strong>goose bumps</strong> &#8211; [Canine] a maneuver to use as a last resort when the regular bump doesn&#8217;t get the attention you require; especially effective when combined with the sniff<br />
<strong>gossip</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a 24-hour teller <strong>2</strong> a person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage <strong>3</strong> someone with a sense of rumor <strong>4</strong> someone who syndicates their conversation <strong>5</strong> the knife of the party <strong>6</strong> one who lets the chat out of the bag <strong>7</strong>hearing something one likes about someone one doesn&#8217;t<br />
<strong>goto</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] &lt;Ray Simard&gt; a programming tool that exists to allow structured programmers to complain about unstructured programmers<br />
<strong>gourmet</strong> &#8211; [Culin.] <strong>1</strong> a food fetishist <strong>2</strong> anyone whom, when you fail to finish something strange or revolting, remarks that it&#8217;s an acquired taste and that you&#8217;re leaving the best part<br />
<strong>government</strong> - <strong>1</strong> not a solution, but a problem <strong>2</strong> [Politics] having rich people give money and jobs to democrats<br />
<strong>government expert</strong> &#8211; one who complicates simple things<br />
<strong>grade</strong> &#8211; [Academia] an unrealistic and limited measure of academic accomplishment<br />
<strong>graft</strong> &#8211; an illegal means of uniting trees to make money<br />
<strong>grammarian</strong> &#8211; a well spoken grandmother<br />
<strong>granary</strong> &#8211; a home for female senior citizens<br />
<strong>grandfather</strong> &#8211; a man whose daughter once married someone who was vastly her inferior mentally but consequently gave birth to unbelievably brilliant grandchildren<br />
<strong>grand meta-narrative</strong> &#8211; [Philos.] he thinks he&#8217;s right about everything<br />
<strong>grandmother</strong> &#8211; a babysitter who doesn&#8217;t hang around the refrigerator<br />
<strong>grandparents</strong> &#8211; [Par.] the people who think your children are wonderful even though they&#8217;re sure you&#8217;re not raising them right<br />
<strong>grand slam</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a honeymoon <strong>2</strong> having sex with four women at the same time<br />
<strong>granite</strong> &#8211; presupposed; <em>to take things for</em> granite<br />
<strong>grape</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a non-intoxicating wine in pill form <strong>2</strong> uninteresting larval stage of wine<br />
<strong>Grape Nuts</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a vintner&#8217;s disease <strong>2</strong> oneophiles<br />
<strong>gravity</strong><sup>1</sup> - <strong>1</strong> not just a good idea, it&#8217;s the law! <strong>2</strong> what one gets after eating too much<br />
<strong>gravity</strong><sup>2</sup> &#8211; [Skiing] one of four fundamental forces in nature that affect skiers. The other three are the strong force, which makes bindings jam; the weak force, which makes ankles give way on turns; and electromagnetism, which produces dead batteries in expensive ski resort parking lots.<br />
<strong>great lover</strong> &#8211; a man who can breathe through his ears<br />
<strong>great parking spot</strong> &#8211; [Academia] any parking spot<br />
<strong>gridlock</strong> &#8211; [Politics] Republican philosophy of governing<br />
<strong>grippe</strong> &#8211; a handle on a suitcase for flu medicines<br />
<strong>grits</strong> &#8211; cream of wheat with an attitude<br />
<strong>grocery list</strong> &#8211; [female-specific] what you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store<br />
<strong>gross ignorance</strong> &#8211; 144 times worse than ordinary ignorance<br />
<strong>ground beef</strong> &#8211; a cow with no legs<br />
<strong>groundhog</strong> &#8211; sausage<br />
<strong>ground water</strong> &#8211; crushed ice<br />
<strong>group</strong> &#8211; [Aviation] a large loud pack of passengers traveling together. The group leader, who has the tickets, usually waits in the bar until the required pre-board time of five minutes before departure, or until there are no seats left together, whichever occurs last. Reservation agents are prohibited form pre-assigning seats to groups as this may convenience them<br />
<strong>G-string</strong> &#8211; [Music] <strong>1</strong> part of a violin <strong>2</strong> a gownless evening strap<br />
<strong>GUI</strong> &#8211; /Grab the User In the face/ [Comput.] what a computer becomes after dropping a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on it<br />
<strong>guillotine</strong> &#8211; a French chopping center<br />
<strong>guilt trip</strong> &#8211; the nuclear weapon of relationships<br />
<strong>gum</strong> &#8211; adhesive for hair<br />
<strong>gun</strong> &#8211; instrument used in the rectification of national boundaries<br />
<strong>guru</strong> - <strong>1</strong> one who knows more jargon than you <strong>2</strong> a person in T-shirt and sandals who took an elevator ride with a senior vice-president and is ultimately responsible for the phone call you are about to receive from your boss <strong>3</strong> a computer owner who can read the manual<br />
<strong>gynecologist</strong> &#8211; [Med.] someone who spends their time spreading old wives&#8217; tails<br />
<strong>habeas corpus</strong> &#8211; a rash under the arm pits<br />
<strong>habituate</strong> &#8211; disgusting mannerisms<br />
<strong>hacker</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] a master byter<br />
<strong>hacksaw</strong> &#8211; one of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.<br />
<strong>hairdresser</strong> &#8211; [female-specific] someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again; AKA &#8220;Magician&#8221;<br />
<strong>hair transplant</strong> &#8211; reseeding for the receeding<br />
<strong>hallow</strong> &#8211; can you go?<br />
<strong>hamlet</strong> &#8211; a little pig<br />
<strong>hammer</strong> &#8211; originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive car parts not far from the object one is are trying to hit.<br />
<strong>hamper</strong> &#8211; [Par.] a wicker container with a lid, usually surrounded by, but not containing, dirty clothing<br />
<strong>hand</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; an instrument worn at the end of the human arm and often put into somebody&#8217;s pocket<br />
<strong>hand-crafted</strong> &#8211; [Ad.] the assembly machines were operated without gloves on<br />
<strong>handkerchief</strong> &#8211; cold storage<br />
<strong>handicap</strong> &#8211; head cover that is easy to locate and wear<br />
<strong>Handi-wipes</strong> &#8211; [par.] pants, shirt-sleeves, drapes, etc<br />
<strong>hands</strong> &#8211; body appendages which must be scrubbed raw with volcanic soap and sterilized in boiling water immediately prior to consumption of the evening meal<br />
<strong>hand scanner</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] a singles bar prowler looking for wedding rings<br />
<strong>handshaking protocol</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] a process employed by hostile hardware devices to initate a terse but civil dialogue, which, in turn, is characterized by occasional misunderstanding, sulking, and name-calling<br />
<strong>handsome</strong> &#8211; [Pers.] would frighten a Martian<br />
<strong>hanging</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a suspended sentence <strong>2</strong> an early western form of bungee jumping<br />
<strong>hangnail</strong> &#8211; a coat hook<br />
<strong>hangover</strong> - <strong>1</strong> the wrath of grapes <strong>2</strong> mourning after the night before <strong>3</strong> the burden of proof<br />
<strong>happily married couple</strong> &#8211; husband out with another man&#8217;s wife<br />
<strong>happiness</strong> - <strong>1</strong> an illusion caused by the temporary absence of reality <strong>2</strong> not a state to arrive at, but a manner of traveling<strong>3</strong> your mother-in-law&#8217;s picture on the back of a milk carton <strong>4</strong> something that can&#8217;t buy money <strong>5</strong> &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; an agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another<br />
<strong>hara-kiri</strong> &#8211; transporting a wig<br />
<strong>harangue</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; a speech by an opponent, who is known as an harangue-outang<br />
<strong>harass</strong> &#8211; her rear end<br />
<strong>hard</strong> &#8211; the quality of one&#8217;s own data; also how it is to believe those of other people<br />
<strong>hard drive</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] <strong>1</strong> the sales technique employed by computer salesmen, especially after a <a href="http://www.opusforfour.com/definitions.html#syntaxerror">syntax error</a> <strong>2</strong> getting home in wintertime<br />
<strong>hardship</strong> &#8211; ship protected by thick cover<br />
<strong>hardware</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] <strong>1</strong> the parts of a computer which can be kicked <strong>2</strong> tools, such as lawnmowers, rakes and other heavy equipment, that you haven&#8217;t laid a finger on since getting your computer<br />
<strong>hardware store</strong> &#8211; [female-specific] similar to a black hole in space: if he goes in, he isn&#8217;t coming out anytime soon.<br />
<strong>harp</strong> &#8211; [Music] a naked piano<br />
<strong>harpist</strong> &#8211; [Music] a plucky musician<br />
<strong>haste cuisine</strong> &#8211; fast French food<br />
<strong>hatchet</strong> &#8211; what a hen does to an egg<br />
<strong>hate crime</strong> &#8211; who doesn&#8217;t?<br />
<strong>Hawaiian garland</strong> &#8211; lei of the land<br />
<strong>hay</strong> &#8211; grass a-la-mowed<br />
<strong>headlight</strong> &#8211; a dizzy spell<br />
<strong>headwaiter</strong> &#8211; someone whose job is putting people in their place<br />
<strong>hearsay</strong> &#8211; [Par.] what toddlers do when they hear a dirty word<br />
<strong>headway</strong> &#8211; what you are making if you can&#8217;t get the toilet to work<br />
<strong>health</strong> &#8211; the slowest possible rate at which one can die<br />
<strong>heap</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] what you are left in when your computer crashes<br />
<strong>hearing</strong> &#8211; what a husband loses after the honeymoon<br />
<strong>hearse</strong> &#8211; not hiss<br />
<strong>heart</strong> &#8211; [Med.] bow &amp; arrow target<br />
<strong>heave ho</strong> &#8211; what you do when you&#8217;ve eaten too many Ho-Ho&#8217;s<br />
<strong>heaven</strong> &#8211; &lt;Elbert Hubbard&gt; the Coney island of the Christian imagination<br />
<strong>heavy</strong> &#8211; one who has been seduced by the chocolate side of the force<br />
<strong>heavy duty</strong> &#8211; loading an elephant<br />
<strong>Hebrew</strong> - <strong>1</strong> manly beer <strong>2</strong> a male teabag<br />
<strong>help</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] the feature that assists in generating more questions. When the help feature is used correctly, users are able to navigate through a series of help screens and end up where they started from without learning anything.<br />
<strong>hemoglobin</strong> &#8211; [Med.] the bloody state of the world<br />
<strong>hemorrhoid</strong> &#8211; a male from outer space<br />
<strong>hen</strong> &#8211; egg spurt<br />
<strong>hence</strong> &#8211; enclosure around a hen yard<br />
<strong>henpecked husband</strong> &#8211; one who is afraid to tell his pregnant wife that he is sterile<br />
<strong>hepatitis</strong> &#8211; [Med.] terminal coolness<br />
<strong>herbalist</strong> &#8211; a follower of Herb<br />
<strong>here at last!</strong> &#8211; [Ad.] a rush job; nobody knew it was coming<br />
<strong>heredity</strong> &#8211; the theory that states if your parents can&#8217;t have children, neither can you<br />
<a name="hermeneutics"></a><strong>hermeneutics</strong> &#8211; [Philos.] what I mean; cf. <a href="http://www.opusforfour.com/definitions.html#exegesis">exegesis</a><br />
<strong>hermit</strong> &#8211; a man who&#8217;d rather get off by himself<br />
<strong>hernia</strong> &#8211; [Med.] pertaining to a female&#8217;s knee<br />
<strong>herpes</strong> &#8211; the final proof that it is better to give than to receive. Much better.<br />
<strong>heroes</strong> &#8211; what a guy in a boat does<br />
<strong>heterodyne</strong> &#8211; eating with someone of the opposite sex<br />
<strong>hex dump</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] where witches put used curses<br />
<strong>high accuracy</strong> &#8211; [Ad.] <strong>1</strong> all the parts fit on this unit <strong>2</strong> all the directories compare<br />
<strong>high concept</strong> &#8211; low brow<br />
<strong>high curve</strong> &#8211; [Academia] an average score of 45%<br />
<strong>high fidelity</strong> &#8211; a drunk who always goes home to his wife<br />
<strong>high level language</strong> &#8211; how the posh people talk<br />
<strong>highly motivated to succeed</strong> &#8211; [Emp.] the minute I find a better job, I&#8217;m out of there<br />
<strong>high noon</strong> &#8211; a four martini lunch<br />
<strong>high-performance PC</strong> &#8211; one which throws a lot of tantrums<br />
<strong>high reliability</strong> &#8211; [Ad.] we made it work long enough to ship it<br />
<strong>high school</strong> &#8211; school atop Mount Everest<br />
<strong>high speed printer</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] wife writing checks<br />
<strong>high technology</strong> &#8211; a California innovation composed of equal parts of silicon and marijuana<br />
<strong>high visibility position</strong> &#8211; [Emp.] if you screw up, you&#8217;ll get fired and everyone will know<br />
<strong>high water</strong> &#8211; main reason Noah built the ark<br />
<strong>hiking</strong> &#8211; friendly greeting for a male monarch<br />
<strong>Himalayan</strong> &#8211; rooster laying an egg<br />
<strong>hindsight</strong> &#8211; [Par.] what Mom experiences from changing too many diapers<br />
<strong>hippocampus</strong> &#8211; [Med.] a medical school where even a hippo can pass<br />
<strong>hiring</strong> &#8211; an expensive wedding band or similar item of jewelry<br />
<strong>histology</strong> &#8211; the scientific study of snakes, cats &amp; leaky tires<br />
<strong>historian</strong> - <strong>1</strong> &lt;H. L. Mencken&gt; an unsuccessful novelist <strong>2</strong> &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; a broad-guage gossip<br />
<strong>history</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a distillation of rumor <strong>2</strong> &lt;Voltaire&gt; a set of fables agreed upon by the victor <strong>3</strong> &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; an account mostly false, of events mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers mostly knaves, and soldiers mostly fools<br />
<strong>hobby</strong> &#8211; getting exhausted on your own time<br />
<strong>holiday</strong> &#8211; the time when you find out where not to go next year<br />
<strong>Hollerith</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] what thou doest when thy phone is on the fritzeth<br />
<strong>holy smoke</strong> &#8211; an emanation from a church on fire<br />
<strong>holy war</strong> &#8211; a war, for God&#8217;s sake<br />
<strong>holy water</strong> &#8211; a liquid whose chemical formula is H<sub>2</sub>OLY<br />
<strong>home</strong> &#8211; a dwelling that ideally has the same number of bathrooms as people<br />
<strong>home cooking</strong> &#8211; place where many a man thinks his wife is<br />
<strong>homemade bread</strong> &#8211; object of fiction like the fountain of youth and the golden fleece<br />
<strong>homepage</strong> &#8211; when your family makes your beeper go off<br />
<strong>homeopathist</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; the humorist of the medical profession<br />
<strong>homeopathy</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; a school of medicine midway between Allopathy and Christian Science. To the last both the others are distinctly inferior, for Christian Science will cure imaginary diseases, and they can not.<br />
<strong>homosexual</strong> &#8211; a man&#8217;s man<br />
<strong>honesty</strong> &#8211; pregnant woman buying two tickets on a bus<br />
<strong>honeymoon</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a short period of doting between dating and debting <strong>2</strong> the time between &#8220;I do&#8221; and &#8220;You&#8217;d better!&#8221; <strong>3</strong>morning after the knot before<br />
<strong>honeymoon salad</strong> &#8211; lettuce alone, with no dressing<br />
<strong>honor</strong> &#8211; almost as good as in &#8216;er.<br />
<strong>hook</strong> - <strong>a</strong> a curved piece of metal used to catch fish <strong>b</strong> a clever advertisement to entice a fisherman to spend his life&#8217;s savings on a new rod and reel <strong>c</strong> the punch administered by said fisherman&#8217;s wife after he spends their life savings<br />
<strong>hooker</strong> &#8211; a working woman commonly despised by people who sell themselves for even less<br />
<strong>Horatio</strong> &#8211; the numeric relationship between hookers and tourists in the New Orleans French quarter<br />
<strong>horizon</strong> &#8211; a call girl waking up<br />
<strong>hormone</strong> &#8211; [Med.] a noise from the brothel next door<br />
<strong>horoscope</strong> - <strong>1</strong> optical device used to observe distant prostitutes <strong>2</strong> study of the stars and planets to tell you how unlucky you are<br />
<strong>horrible</strong> &#8211; a scary male bovine<br />
<strong>horrified</strong> &#8211; a woman is who&#8217;s sleazily dressed<br />
<strong>horse</strong> &#8211; stable animal<br />
<strong>horseback</strong> &#8211; return of laryngitis<br />
<strong>horse doctor</strong> &#8211; a physician with a sore throat<br />
<strong>horse sense</strong> - <strong>1</strong> stable behavior <strong>2</strong> the thing a horse has that keeps it form betting on people<br />
<strong>horse show</strong> &#8211; a lot of horses showing their asses to a lot of horse&#8217;s asses showing their horses<br />
<strong>hospital</strong> &#8211; [Med.] a prostitute&#8217;s spittoon<br />
<strong>hospital</strong> &#8211; place where the run down wind up<br />
<strong>hospitality</strong> - <strong>1</strong> making your guests feel at home, even though you wish they were <strong>2</strong> &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; the virtue which induces us to feed and lodge certain persons who are not in need of food and lodging<br />
<strong>hot</strong> &#8211; blood-pumping organ<br />
<strong>hotel</strong> &#8211; place where dollars are given for quarters<br />
<strong>hot pants</strong> &#8211; breeches of promise<br />
<strong>hors d&#8217;oeuvres</strong> &#8211; [Culin.] a sandwich cut into 20 pieces<br />
<strong>housekeeper</strong> &#8211; party awarded the domicile in a divorce<br />
<strong>houseplant</strong> &#8211; a vegetable companion; a pleasant green pet that rarely bites or throws up on the carpet<br />
<strong>hug</strong> &#8211; a roundabout way of expressing affection<br />
<strong>huh</strong> &#8211; [Par.] the primary word of the teenage language<br />
<strong>hula</strong> &#8211; welcome waggin&#8217;<br />
<strong>human</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a useful domestic animal, popular with cats <strong>2</strong> a complex mechanism used to convert coffee into urine<br />
<strong>humbug</strong> &#8211; a cockroach that forgot the words<br />
<strong>humerus</strong> &#8211; [Med.] tell us what we want to hear<br />
<strong>humor</strong> &#8211; a feat, after the invention of language, which is man&#8217;s proudest achievement<br />
<strong>humorous</strong> &#8211; caustic<br />
<strong>Hungarian</strong> &#8211; a very well-endowed man from Gary, Indiana<br />
<strong>hung chow</strong> &#8211; Chinese constipation<br />
<strong>hung jury</strong> &#8211; jury with big genitals<br />
<strong>hunger</strong> &#8211; [Academia] condition produced by five minutes of continuous studying<br />
<strong>hunter</strong> &#8211; a son of a gun of a small caliber and is an immense bore<br />
<strong>hunters</strong> &#8211; deer people<br />
<strong>husband</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a lover who pushed his luck too far <strong>2</strong> what remains after the never has been killed <strong>3</strong> a man who wins his wife with a lot of soft soap and ends up doing the dishes<br />
<strong>hyacinth</strong> &#8211; used to greet Cindy<br />
<strong>hydraulic floor jack</strong> &#8211; used for lowering a Mustang to the ground after you have installed a set of Ford Motorsports lowered road springs, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front air dam<br />
<strong>hydrophobia</strong> &#8211; [Med.] fear of utility companies<br />
<strong>hydroplane</strong> &#8211; [Aviation] an airplane designed to land on a wet runway, 20,000 feet long<br />
<strong>hymn</strong> &#8211; a song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation&#8217;s range<br />
<strong>hyper-</strong> &#8211; [Philos.] you&#8217;d be right if you could learn to state things paradoxically<br />
<strong>hyperspace</strong> &#8211; more energetic than normal space<br />
<strong>hyphae</strong> &#8211; what the doctor charges<br />
<strong>hypochondria</strong> &#8211; [Med.] compulsively feeling like a hippopotamus<br />
<strong>hypochondriac</strong> &#8211; [Med.] someone who won&#8217;t let well enough alone<br />
<strong>hypocrite</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a man who says he likes cats, but won&#8217;t eat pussy <strong>2</strong> &lt;Abraham Lincoln&gt; the man who murdered both his parents and then pleaded for mercy on the grounds that he was an orphan<br />
<strong>hypothalamus</strong> - <strong>1</strong> [Med.] a thalamus the size of a large animal <strong>2</strong> a large animal from Thalamus<br />
<strong>hypotenuse</strong> - <strong>1</strong> the toilet up on that mountain is occupied <strong>2</strong> an aircraft&#8217;s toilet in use during flight<br />
<strong>hysteria</strong> &#8211; [Med.] fear of snakes<br />
<strong>IBM</strong> &#8211; /I Blame Microsoft <em>or</em> Idiots Become Managers <em>or</em> Idiots Buy More <em>or</em> Incredibly Big Machine <em>or</em> Industry&#8217;s Biggest Mistake <em>or</em> International Brotherhood of Mercenaries <em>or</em> It Boggles the Mind <em>or</em> Itty-Bitty Machines <em>or</em>Inferior But Marketable <em>or</em> It&#8217;s Better Manually <em>or</em> Insidious Black Magic <em>or</em> It&#8217;s Been Malfunctioning <em>or</em> Incontinent Bowel Movement/ [Comput.] a non-service profit organization<br />
<strong>ice</strong> - <strong>1</strong> skid stuff <strong>2</strong> [Par.] cubes of frozen water which would be found in small plastic tray if kids ever filled them instead of putting them back in the freezer empty<br />
<strong>ice cap</strong> &#8211; what your knee is when you fall on it during ice-skating<br />
<strong>icicle</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a stiff piece of water <strong>2</strong> an eavesdropper<br />
<strong>id</strong> &#8211; [Psy.] that part of the psyche that unconsciously makes demands for immediate satisfaction of primitive needs, like that candy bar you&#8217;re eating right now<br />
<strong>idealist</strong> &#8211; &lt;H. L. Mencken&gt; one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup<br />
<strong>ideal person</strong> &#8211; card player that wants to deal every time<br />
<strong>ideologue</strong> &#8211; [Politics] typically, an obscure humorless zealot who finds fulfillment by spouting the ideas of famous humorless zealots<br />
<strong>idiot</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; a member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling<br />
<strong>idle hours</strong> &#8211; what pagans call their statue<br />
<strong>idleness</strong> &#8211; leisure gone to seed<br />
<strong>idolize</strong> &#8211; lazy eyeballs<br />
<strong>IFR</strong> &#8211; [Aviation] a method of flying by needle and ripcord<br />
<strong>igloo</strong> - <strong>1</strong> an icicle built for two <strong>2</strong> an adhesive for igs<br />
<strong>ignorance</strong> - <strong>1</strong> when you don&#8217;t know something and someone finds out <strong>2</strong> I don&#8217;t know this definition<br />
<strong>illegal</strong> &#8211; a sick bird<br />
<strong>illiterate</strong> &#8211; unhealthy author<br />
<strong>ill will</strong> &#8211; sick Shakespeare<br />
<strong>imagination</strong> - <strong>1</strong> something that sits up with the wife when her husband is out late <strong>2</strong> &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; a warehouse of facts shared by liars and day dreamers<br />
<strong>immigration</strong> &#8211; &lt;Jack Parr&gt; the sincerest form of flattery<br />
<strong>immodest</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; having a strong sense of one&#8217;s own merit, coupled with a feeble conception of worth in others<br />
<strong>immortality</strong> &#8211; a fate worse than death<br />
<strong>immune</strong> &#8211; [Med.] congressional perk<br />
<strong>impale</strong> &#8211; what the native Indians said to each other when they saw their first white man<br />
<strong>impartial</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two conflicting opinions<br />
<strong>impassable</strong> &#8211; a wet football<br />
<strong>impatience</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a wait problem <strong>2</strong> waiting in a hurry<br />
<strong>impeccable</strong> &#8211; unable to be eaten by a chicken<br />
<strong>impersonate</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a cannibal&#8217;s dinner guest <strong>2</strong> what happened to him, Mr. Cannibal?<br />
<strong>impiety</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; your irreverence toward my deity<br />
<strong>implode</strong> &#8211; the mine owned by the seven dwarfs<br />
<strong>impostor</strong> &#8211; a spaghetti cook<br />
<strong>impotence</strong> &#8211; Nature&#8217;s way of saying &#8220;no hard feelings&#8221;<br />
<strong>impotent</strong> - <strong>1</strong> emission impossible <strong>2</strong> distinguished, well known <strong>3</strong> camping shelter for a chubby elf <strong>4</strong> when you can&#8217;t even get your hopes up<br />
<strong>impregnable</strong> &#8211; a woman with vivid memory of labor<br />
<strong>improvement</strong> &#8211; a guest who is always welcome to stay; <em>there&#8217;s always room for improvement</em><br />
<strong>impunity</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; wealth<br />
<strong>inadvertent</strong> &#8211; an ant featured in commercials<br />
<strong>inbox</strong> &#8211; a catch basin for everything you don&#8217;t want to deal with, but are afraid to throw away<br />
<strong>inbred</strong> &#8211; [Med.] the best way to eat salami<br />
<strong>incense</strong> &#8211; holy smoke!<br />
<strong>incentive program</strong> &#8211; the system of long and short-term rewards that a corporation uses to motivate its people; despite all the experimentation with profit sharing, stock options, and the like, the most effective incentive program to date seems to be &#8220;Do a good job and you get to keep it.&#8221;<br />
<strong>incessant</strong> &#8211; an ant indulging in unnatural sex acts<br />
<strong>incest</strong> - <strong>1</strong> the theory of relativity <strong>2</strong> a game the whole family can play <strong>3</strong> relatively boring <strong>4</strong> sibling revelry <strong>5</strong> you&#8217;re on your own<br />
<strong>incisor</strong> &#8211; person who exercises indoors<br />
<strong>income</strong> &#8211; you try to make it first, then you try to make it last<br />
<strong>income tax</strong> &#8211; capital punishment<br />
<strong>incongruous</strong> &#8211; where the law, and hot air, is made in the U.S.<br />
<strong>indecision</strong> &#8211; under the whether<br />
<strong>independent</strong> &#8211; [Par.] how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say<br />
<strong>index register</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] a constant source of irritation<br />
<strong>indifference</strong> &#8211; a woman&#8217;s feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as &#8220;playing hard to get&#8221;<br />
<strong>indistinct</strong> &#8211; where the dirty dishes go<br />
<strong>ineffable</strong> &#8211; a guaranteed Grade-A term paper<br />
<strong>inertia</strong> &#8211; [Skiing] tendency of a skier&#8217;s body to resist changes in direction or speed due to the action of Newton&#8217;s first law of motion. Goes along with these other physical laws: two objects of greatly different mass falling side by side will have the same rate of descent, but the lighter one will have larger hospital bills; matter can neither be created nor destroyed, but if it drops out of a parka pocket, don&#8217;t expect to encounter it again in our universe. When an irresistible force meets an immovable object, an unethical lawyer will immediately appear.<br />
<strong>infancy</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; the period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, &#8220;Heaven lies about us.&#8221; The world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward.<br />
<strong>infantry</strong> &#8211; a sapling<br />
<strong>infatuation</strong> &#8211; when you&#8217;re in love, there&#8217;s a lump in your throat; when you&#8217;re infatuated, there&#8217;s a lump in your pants.<br />
<strong>infect</strong> &#8211; [Med.] to desert one&#8217;s country for another<br />
<strong>inferiority complex</strong> &#8211; [Med.] conviction by a jury of your fears<br />
<strong>infidel</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; in New York, one who does not believe in the Christian religion; in Constantinople, one who does.<br />
<strong>inflation</strong> &#8211; [Econ.] <strong>1</strong> cutting money in half without damaging the paper <strong>2</strong> just a drop in the buck <strong>3</strong> a fate worse than debt <strong>4</strong>the result of legalized counterfeiting <strong>5</strong> &#8211; when &#8220;dollars to donuts&#8221; changes from a phrase to an even bet <strong>6</strong> that time when a dollar saved is a quarter earned <strong>7</strong> a situation where no one has enough money because everyone has too much <strong>8</strong> a financial situation which causes one to live in the lapse of luxury <strong>9</strong> when an item bought for five dollars costs ten dollars to be repaired <strong>10</strong> the scourge of mankind; how can civilisation continue to exist when the cost of living has gone up two dollars a quart? <strong>11</strong> that process that makes it easier to earn money than a living, turns a nest egg into chicken feed, and makes balloons bigger and candy bars smaller <strong>12</strong> a time when it is even a struggle to make only one end meet <strong>13</strong>instead of not having the money you haven&#8217;t, you have twice as much, but it&#8217;s worth only one-half of what you haven&#8217;t got now <strong>14</strong> the only logical reason why you can&#8217;t take it with you&#8211;it all goes before you do<br />
<strong>influence</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; in politics, a visionary <em>quo</em> given in exchange for a substantial <em>quid</em><br />
<a name="informal"></a><strong>informal</strong> &#8211; socks optional; cf. <a href="http://www.opusforfour.com/definitions.html#semiformal">semiformal</a>, <a href="http://www.opusforfour.com/definitions.html#formal">formal</a><br />
<strong>information</strong> &#8211; how ducks are supposed to fly<br />
<strong>Information Center</strong> &#8211; a room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is to tell you why you cannot have the information you require<br />
<strong>information processing</strong> &#8211; what you call data processing when people are so disgusted with it they won&#8217;t let it be discussed in their presence<br />
<strong>ingrate</strong> &#8211; one who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of indigestion<br />
<strong>inhale</strong> &#8211; where henpecked Southern husbands think they are<br />
<strong>inheritance</strong> &#8211; [Econ.] will-gotten gains<br />
<strong>inhibition</strong> &#8211; being tied up in nots<br />
<strong>initializing the stack</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] being the first to hand in your homework<br />
<strong>initiative</strong> &#8211; deliberately disobeying a destructive order from your manager and being right in the long run<br />
<strong>inkling</strong> &#8211; a baby fountain pen<br />
<strong>inland</strong> &#8211; tavern territory<br />
<strong>inning</strong> &#8211; pub crawling<br />
<strong>innocence</strong> - <strong>1</strong> nun working in condom factory, thinking she&#8217;s making sleeping bags for mice <strong>2</strong> young woman applying Clearasil™ over her nipples thinking them to be pimples<br />
<strong>innuendo</strong> - <strong>1</strong> where you hang your curtains <strong>2</strong> an Italian suppository<br />
<strong>innovate</strong> &#8211; to annoy people<br />
<strong>inpatient</strong> &#8211; [Med.] where the lost scalpel can be found<br />
<a name="input"></a><strong>input</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] food, whiskey, beer, Excedrin cf. <a href="http://www.opusforfour.com/definitions.html#output">output</a><br />
<strong>input/output</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] information is input from the keyboard as intelligible data and output to the printer as unrecognizable junk<br />
<strong>insane</strong> &#8211; [Academia] what Ph.D. stands for<br />
<strong>insane asylum</strong> &#8211; the place where optimism most flourishes<br />
<strong>insanity</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a perfectly rational adjustment to the insane world; a primary method of survival in it <strong>2</strong> what happens when a child has been so bad, Santa skips their house <strong>3</strong> brewed beverage that drives you mad <strong>4</strong> a hereditary disease contracted from one&#8217;s children; symptoms include nonsensical statements such as &#8220;goo goo&#8221; and &#8220;I will hit you into the middle of next week&#8221; <strong>5</strong> doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results<br />
<strong>insecticide</strong> &#8211; when insects kill themselves<br />
<strong>insensitivity</strong> &#8211; [Politics] objections to the use of tax money to buy votes<br />
<strong>inside</strong> &#8211; [Par.] that place that will suddenly look attractive to kids once mom has spent a minimum of half an hour getting them ready to go outside<br />
<strong>insignificance</strong> &#8211; a feeling incurred when you&#8217;re in the labor room with your wife, watching the doctor with both arms buried up to his elbows to turn the baby around properly<br />
<strong>insolence</strong> &#8211; pooping on someone&#8217;s doorstep, and then knocking on the door to ask if they have any toilet paper<br />
<strong>insomnia</strong> &#8211; [Med.] nothing to lose sleep over<br />
<strong>installment</strong> &#8211; putting a horse in a stall<br />
<strong>-istic</strong> &#8211; [Philos.] you started with something good and made it really stupid<br />
<strong>instinct</strong> &#8211; intelligence incapable of self-consciousness<br />
<a name="institute"></a><strong>institute</strong> &#8211; a school where football is not taught; cf. <a href="http://www.opusforfour.com/definitions.html#university">university</a><br />
<strong>institutional investor</strong> &#8211; [Econ.] someone who has owned equities for the last two years and who&#8217;s now locked up long-term in a hospital<br />
<strong>insurance</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; an ingenious modern game of chance in which the player is allowed to think he is beating the man who keeps the table<br />
<strong>integrated circuit</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] a circuit with black-and-white components<br />
<strong>intellectual</strong> &#8211; one who always contributes more heat than light to a discussion<br />
<strong>intellectual snob</strong> &#8211; one who can listen to the William Tell Overture and not think of the Lone Ranger<br />
<strong>intense</strong> &#8211; where campers sleep<br />
<strong>intense pain</strong> &#8211; torture in a teepee<br />
<strong>intensive</strong> &#8211; significant; <em>for all intensive purposes</em><br />
<strong>interest</strong> &#8211; what borrowers pay, lenders receive, stockholders own, and burned out employees must feign<br />
<strong>interesting</strong> &#8211; a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking<br />
<strong>interim release</strong> &#8211; a programmer&#8217;s feeble attempt at repentance<br />
<strong>intern</strong> &#8211; [Med.] one after another<br />
<strong>internal sort</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] the stomach, liver and kidneys keep changing positions<br />
<strong>Internet</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] <strong>1</strong> the best library in the world, but with all its books strewn across the floor <strong>2</strong> where tuna goes<br />
<strong>Internet scam</strong> &#8211; dot con<br />
<strong>intestine</strong> &#8211; [Med.] currently taking an exam<br />
<strong>intestines</strong> &#8211; [Med.] beta version of forks<br />
<strong>intoxicated</strong> &#8211; feeling sophisticated without being able to pronounce it<br />
<strong>in transition</strong> &#8211; [Pers.] he&#8217;s a lazy bum, looking for a woman to support him<br />
<strong>intuition</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a hotel admission fee <strong>2</strong> the knowledge that your salary won&#8217;t cover the cost of your children&#8217;s education<br />
<strong>intuitive</strong> &#8211; [Ad.] your opinion doesn&#8217;t count<br />
<strong>invalidate</strong> &#8211; the sick person has eaten<br />
<strong>inventor</strong> &#8211; one who puts together an arrangement of gears, cogs, and levers and believes it to be civilization<br />
<strong>inverse</strong> &#8211; how a backwards poet writes<br />
<strong>invisible man</strong> &#8211; what a husband becomes when there&#8217;s housework to be done<br />
<strong>iota</strong> &#8211; a Toyota that has payments still to be made on it<br />
<strong>IQ</strong> &#8211; a measure of intellectual capacity. Standard divisions are:<br />
25 (idiot) product marketing managers<br />
50 (imbecile) convenience store clerks<br />
75 (moron) that guy on your left<br />
100 (normal) absolutely no one you know<br />
125 (above normal) those snooty bastards at cocktail parties<br />
150 (genius) only one person has been known to reach this level: Alex Trebek<br />
<strong>Iraq</strong> - <strong>1</strong> past tense of &#8220;Iran&#8221; <strong>2</strong> first person conjugation of a verb meaning &#8220;to arrange billiard balls&#8221;; <em>When we got to da pool hall, I tol my uncle,</em> Iraq<em>, you break.</em><br />
<strong>irate</strong> &#8211; I&#8217;m special!<br />
<strong>irritating habits</strong> &#8211; what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together<br />
<strong>irony</strong> - <strong>1</strong> metallurgical <strong>2</strong> Milli Vanilli on a karaoke machine <strong>3</strong> something you smelt<br />
<strong>IRS</strong> - <strong>1</strong> Income Reduction Service <strong>2</strong> Intensive Rectal Search<br />
<strong>I said so</strong> &#8211; [Par.] reason enough, according to Mom<br />
<strong>ISDN</strong> &#8211; /It Still Does Nothing/ [Comput.]<br />
<strong>isentropic</strong> &#8211; sleet falling on the beach in the Bahamas<br />
<strong>isogon</strong> &#8211; what happens when no one refills the ice cube tray<br />
<strong>isohyet</strong> &#8211; a line of constant hotels<br />
<strong>isolate</strong> &#8211; a personal lament regarding tardiness<br />
<strong>isolated</strong> &#8211; frozen<br />
<strong>italic</strong> &#8211; the language spoken by ancient Italians<br />
<strong>iterate</strong> &#8211; a healthy illiterate<br />
<strong>it&#8217;s here at last</strong> &#8211; [Ad.] we&#8217;ve released a 26-week project in 48 weeks<br />
<strong>jack</strong> &#8211; a thing that lifts a car and also keeps it going<br />
<strong>jack o&#8217; lantern</strong> &#8211; an Irish pumpkin<br />
<strong>jackpot</strong> &#8211; [Par.] when all the kids stay at friends&#8217; homes for the night<br />
<strong>Jamaica</strong> &#8211; question usually asked of a fraternity man when he returns from a date<br />
<strong>janitor</strong> &#8211; a floor flusher<br />
<strong>jargon</strong> &#8211; when the jam and its container are missing<br />
<strong>jaundice</strong> &#8211; met up with our group<br />
<strong>jaw</strong> &#8211; [Med.] a shark without as much teeth<br />
<strong>jaywalking</strong> &#8211; a hobby that gives you that run-down feeling<br />
<strong>jealous</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; unduly concerned about the preservation of that which can be lost only if not worth keeping<br />
<strong>jealousy</strong> &#8211; the friendship one woman shares with another<br />
<strong>jeans</strong> - <strong>1</strong> lower half of the international uniform of youth, the upper half being the zits <strong>2</strong> blue: casual wear / black: formal wear <strong>3</strong> [Par.] according to kids, are appropriate for just about any occasion, including church and funerals<br />
<strong>jeeeeeeeez!</strong> &#8211; [Par.] slang for &#8220;Gee, Mom, isn&#8217;t there anything else you can do to embarrass me in front of my friends?&#8221;<br />
<strong>Jesuits</strong> &#8211; an order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams<br />
<strong>jewelry</strong> &#8211; a woman&#8217;s best friend<br />
<strong>jitterbug</strong> - <strong>1</strong> tense insect <strong>2</strong> a Scotchman in front of a pay toilet <strong>3</strong> a coffee-drinking cockroach<br />
<strong>job</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a state of employment everyone wants but few look forward to on a Monday morning <strong>2</strong> &lt;George Carlin&gt; a place where you work just hard enough to avoid getting fired while getting paid just enough to avoid quitting <strong>3</strong> a really, really bad joke<br />
<strong>job interview</strong> &#8211; the excruciating process in which personnel officers separate the wheat from the chaff&#8211;then hire the chaff<br />
<strong>job placement</strong> &#8211; telling your boss what he can do with your job<br />
<strong>jockey</strong> &#8211; someone who is always horsing around<br />
<strong>jockstrap</strong> &#8211; a pubic defender<br />
<strong>jocular</strong> &#8211; of or relating to sports<br />
<strong>jogger</strong> &#8211; an odd sort of person with a thing for pain<br />
<strong>joint checking account</strong> &#8211; a device that permits the wife to beat you to the draw<br />
<strong>Jonah</strong> &#8211; the original <em>Jaws</em> story<br />
<strong>journalism</strong> &#8211; [Politics] <strong>1</strong> the art of simplifying the complex and exaggerating the trivial <strong>2</strong> literature in a hurry <strong>3</strong> the art of filling up space<br />
<strong>joyride</strong> &#8211; [Par.] going somewhere without the kids<br />
<strong>judge</strong> - <strong>1</strong> &lt;H. L. Mencken&gt; a law student who marks his own papers <strong>2</strong> a person for whom everyday is a trying day<br />
<strong>judicious</strong> &#8211; Passover recipes<br />
<strong>judo</strong> &#8211; currency of Israel<br />
<strong>juggler</strong> - <strong>1</strong> schizophrenic playing catch <strong>2</strong> [Med.] a vein in the neck<br />
<strong>jugular</strong> &#8211; shaped like a Grecian urn<br />
<strong>jumpsuit</strong> &#8211; garment used for bungee jumping<br />
<strong>jungle law</strong> &#8211; he who hesitates is lunch<br />
<strong>junior varsity</strong> &#8211; the team that everybody supports, but nobody goes to watch<br />
<strong>juniper</strong> &#8211; contraction meaning &#8220;Did you bite that female?&#8221;<br />
<strong>junk</strong> - <strong>1</strong> something needed the day after it is thrown away <strong>2</strong> Dad&#8217;s stuff<br />
<strong>Jurassic</strong> &#8211; an ill member of the jury<br />
<strong>jury</strong> &#8211; &lt;Robert Frost&gt; twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer<br />
<strong>jury duty</strong> &#8211; what happens to you if you don&#8217;t have a job, haven&#8217;t ever read a newspaper and lie about whether you watch TV<br />
<strong>justice</strong> &#8211; [Law] <strong>1</strong> a decision in your favor <strong>2</strong> what judges mix their drinks with <strong>3</strong> [Par.] when kids have kids of their own<br />
<strong>juveniles</strong> &#8211; little rivers that run into the Nile<br />
<strong>kappa</strong> &#8211; what members of sororities or fraternities wear on their headas<br />
<strong>karaoke</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a Japanese word meaning &#8220;tone deaf&#8221; <strong>2</strong> a compassionate resident of the Sooner State<br />
<strong>karate</strong> &#8211; self defense for mice<br />
<strong>karma</strong> &#8211; justice without the feeling of satisfaction<br />
<strong>Kawasaki</strong> &#8211; special rice wine served with beef<br />
<strong>keel</strong> &#8211; [Naut.] term used by first mate after too much heel by skipper<br />
<strong>kept woman</strong> &#8211; one who wears mink all day and fox all night<br />
<strong>kerchief</strong> - <strong>1</strong> king of all the hankies <strong>2</strong> the noise you make when sneezing into a hanky<br />
<strong>kernel</strong> &#8211; a part of an operating system that preserves the medieval traditions of sorcery and black art<br />
<strong>ketch</strong> &#8211; [Naut.] disagreeable clause in boat-purchase contract<br />
<strong>ketchup</strong> - <strong>1</strong> what the Jones&#8217;s neighbors and slow runners in a race are always trying to do <strong>2</strong> [Par.] the sea of tomato-based goop kids use to drown the dish that mom spent hours cooking and years perfecting to get the seasoning just right<br />
<strong>kettle drum</strong> &#8211; [Music] what musicians make tea in<br />
<strong>keyboard</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] <strong>1</strong> the standard way to generate computer errors <strong>2</strong> whar ya hang the dang keys<br />
<strong>keyboard plaque</strong> &#8211; the disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards<br />
<strong>kibitzer</strong> &#8211; a person with an inferiority complex<br />
<strong>kibble</strong> &#8211; one thousand nibbles<br />
<strong>kidnap</strong> &#8211; goat&#8217;s rest period<br />
<strong>kidney</strong> &#8211; midpoint of a child&#8217;s leg<br />
<strong>kids</strong> &#8211; [Par.] people to be nice to since they are the ones who will choose your nursing home<br />
<strong>kilocycle</strong> &#8211; really hard bike to ride<br />
<strong>kilohertz</strong> &#8211; mortal injuries<br />
<strong>kilter</strong> - <strong>1</strong> what the antagonist did in the horror film <strong>2</strong> a Scotsman<br />
<strong>kin</strong> &#8211; an affliction of the blood<br />
<strong>kindness</strong> &#8211; a language that the mute can speak and the deaf can hear<br />
<strong>kindred</strong> &#8211; the fear of being visited by relatives or attending family reunions<br />
<strong>kinesthetics</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a relationship towards relatives <strong>2</strong> determining how attractive your relatives are<br />
<strong>kinship</strong> &#8211; your rich uncle&#8217;s yacht<br />
<strong>kiss</strong> - <strong>1</strong> upper persuasion for lower invasion; upstairs shopping for downstairs merchandise <strong>2</strong> putting your honey where your mouth is <strong>3</strong> [Par.] Mom&#8217;s medicine<br />
<strong>kissing</strong> &#8211; a means of getting two people so close together that they can&#8217;t see anything wrong with each other<br />
<strong>kitchen</strong> &#8211; [Par.] the only room not used when eating crumbly snacks<br />
<strong>kitchenette</strong> &#8211; a small, thin person working in the cafeteria kitchen<br />
<strong>kit n&#8217; caboodle</strong> &#8211; a whole lot of cats<br />
<strong>kitty hawk</strong> &#8211; a buzzard that eats cats<br />
<strong>kitty litter</strong> &#8211; throwing cats out a car window<br />
<strong>kleptomaniac</strong> - <strong>1</strong> one who can&#8217;t help himself from helping himself <strong>2</strong> &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; a rich thief, or one with breeding<br />
<strong>klutz</strong> &#8211; [Academia] what you discover your lab partner is when you ask him to slowly pour the sulfuric acid into the beaker you&#8217;re holding<br />
<strong>knapsack</strong> &#8211; a sleeping bag<br />
<strong>knothole</strong> &#8211; only partial<br />
<strong>knowledgeable trip hosts</strong> &#8211; [Travel] they&#8217;ve flown in an airplane before<br />
<strong>kowtow</strong> &#8211; to pay homage to a sacred cow<br />
<strong>Kyrie elieson</strong> &#8211; the only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyro and baklava<br />
<strong>lab</strong> &#8211; a room full of icky, funny-looking creatures and the dead frogs they dissect<br />
<strong>labia majora</strong> &#8211; the curly gates<br />
<strong>labor</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; one of the processes by which A acquires property for B<br />
<strong>laboratory animals</strong> &#8211; furry foot-soldiers drafted in the name of science. Some die nobly in the battle to eradicate cancer; others give their lives so that we might produce a peach-scented dandruff shampoo.<br />
<strong>labor pain</strong> &#8211; getting hurt at work<br />
<strong>labor reform</strong> &#8211; [Politics] an attempt by the Mafia to get into legitimate businesses<br />
<strong>Labrador</strong> &#8211; large cat-flap for dogs<br />
<strong>laceration</strong> &#8211; [Med.] dainty material allotment<br />
<strong>lactic</strong> &#8211; a grandfather clock that doesn&#8217;t work<br />
<strong>lactose</strong> &#8211; consequences of frostbite<br />
<strong>lad</strong> &#8211; short ladder<br />
<strong>lake</strong> &#8211; [Par.] large body of water into which a kid will jump should his friends do so<br />
<strong>lamb stew</strong> &#8211; much ado about mutton<br />
<strong>lamprey</strong> &#8211; light from a lamp<br />
<strong>landmass</strong> &#8211; what Catholic sailors long for<br />
<strong>landscape</strong> &#8211; panoramic escape<br />
<strong>language</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a dialect with an army and navy <strong>2</strong> the most important form of intercourse practiced by man&#8211;next to sex <strong>3</strong> a system which was developed to allow humanity to complain without killing or maiming <strong>4</strong> &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; the music with which we charm the serpents guarding another&#8217;s treasure <strong>5</strong> [Comput.] a system of organizing and defining error messages<br />
<strong>lap</strong> &#8211; a part of the human body that can hold babies, heads and plates of food<br />
<strong>lap dog</strong> &#8211; greyhound used for racing<br />
<strong>laptop</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] where the kitty sleeps and kiddies feel comfortable<br />
<strong>latent</strong> &#8211; the French camping shelter<br />
<strong>latitude</strong> &#8211; the number of degrees off course allowed a guest<br />
<strong>laugh track</strong> &#8211; fraudience<br />
<strong>laughingstock</strong> &#8211; cattle with a sense of humor<br />
<strong>laughter</strong> - <strong>1</strong> &lt;Norman Cousins&gt; inner jogging <strong>2</strong> &lt;victor borge&gt; the shortest distance between two people<br />
<strong>laundress</strong> &#8211; garb for an outdoor party<br />
<strong>laundry</strong> &#8211; a place where clothes are mangled<br />
<strong>law of relativity</strong> &#8211; how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is<br />
<strong>law student</strong> &#8211; someone who studied hard and did well on tests but couldn&#8217;t get into medical school<br />
<strong>lawsuit</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage<br />
<strong>lawyer</strong> - <strong>1</strong> &lt;H.L. Mencken&gt; one who protects us from robbers by taking away the temptation <strong>2</strong> &lt;Elbert Hubbard&gt; the only man in whom ignorance of the law is not punished <strong>3</strong> someone who prepares a 10,000-word document and calls it a brief <strong>4</strong> a professional advocate hired to bend the law on behalf of a paying client; for this reason considered the most suitable background for entry into politics <strong>5</strong> misspelling of &#8220;liar&#8221; <strong>6</strong> the larval stage of a politician <strong>7</strong> a person who goes in after the auditors and strips the bodies <strong>8</strong> &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; one skilled in circumvention of the law <strong>9</strong> someone who can get a sodomy charge changed to &#8220;following too closely&#8221;<br />
<strong>layaway plan</strong> &#8211; pre-arranged burial plan<br />
<strong>laying down the law</strong> &#8211; putting the statutes aside and making your own rules<br />
<strong>laziness</strong> &#8211; using a remote control to locate your other remote controls<br />
<strong>lazy bones</strong> &#8211; an idle skeleton<br />
<strong>lenient</strong> &#8211; building inspectors in Pisa<br />
<strong>lean</strong> &#8211; [Canine] every good dog&#8217;s response to the command &#8220;sit!&#8221;, especially if your person is dressed for an evening out; incredibly effective before black-tie events<br />
<strong>lean beef</strong> &#8211; a cow with only two legs<br />
<strong>lean mixture</strong> &#8211; [Aviation] non-alcoholic beer<br />
<strong>learning curve</strong> &#8211; an astonishing new theory, discovered by management consultants in the 1970&#8242;s, asserting that the more you do something the quicker you can do it<br />
<strong>leash</strong> &#8211; [Canine] a strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go<br />
<strong>lecher</strong> &#8211; a stud with liver spots<br />
<strong>lecture</strong> &#8211; an art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through the minds of either<br />
<strong>left bank</strong> &#8211; what the robber did when his bag was full of loot.<br />
<strong>lefties</strong> &#8211; the only people in their right minds<br />
<strong>leftovers</strong> &#8211; see &#8220;gross&#8221;<br />
<strong>legacy</strong> &#8211; a wooden leg in a bequest<br />
<strong>legal briefs</strong> &#8211; [Law] lawyer&#8217;s shorts<br />
<strong>legal secretary</strong> &#8211; [Law] any girl over 18<br />
<strong>legend</strong> &#8211; &lt;H. L. Mencken&gt; a lie that has attained the dignity of age<br />
<strong>legends</strong> &#8211; feet<br />
<strong>lemming</strong> &#8211; a poorly responding or falling mouse<br />
<strong>lemonade stand</strong> &#8211; [Par.] complicated business venture where mom buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and net a profit of 15 cents<br />
<strong>leopard</strong> &#8211; a dotted lion<br />
<strong>leper</strong> &#8211; [Med.] a wild cat<br />
<strong>leprous ethics</strong> &#8211; moral decay<br />
<strong>lesbian</strong> &#8211; a person from the middle east<br />
<strong>lesbian cocktail lounge</strong> &#8211; a her-she bar<br />
<strong>lesion</strong> &#8211; [Med.] a unit of the Roman army<br />
<strong>lettermen</strong> &#8211; [Academia] scholarship athletes who proudly wear letter sweaters proclaiming the vowel or consonant they&#8217;ve mastered<br />
<strong>lexicographer</strong> &#8211; &lt;Samuel Johnson&gt; a harmless drudge<br />
<strong>liability</strong> &#8211; fraud artist asset<br />
<strong>liar</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a teller of untruths which can&#8217;t be confirmed <strong>2</strong> fabrication expert <strong>3</strong> &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; a lawyer with a roving commission &lt;Oliver Herford&gt; someone who tells an unpleasant truth<br />
<strong>liberal</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a church with four commandments and six suggestions <strong>2</strong> one who is too poor to be a capitalist, but too rich to be a communist <strong>3</strong> a power worshiper without power <strong>4</strong> one who leaves the room when a fight begins<br />
<strong>librarian</strong> &#8211; library employee that assists library patrons with questions; rumored to be extinct since none can ever be found<br />
<strong>library</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a multistory building <strong>2</strong> an organized collection of obsolete materials<br />
<strong>lie</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one discovered to date <strong>2</strong> [Par.] an &#8220;exaggeration&#8221; Mom uses to transform her child&#8217;s papier-mâché volcano science project into a Nobel prize-winning experiment and a full-ride scholarship to Harvard<br />
<strong>life</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a terminal, sexually transmitted disease that affects some individuals more than others <strong>2</strong> anything that dies when you stomp it <strong>3</strong> what happens to you while you are making other plans <strong>4</strong> something to do when you can&#8217;t get to sleep <strong>5</strong> a first draft, with no rewrite <strong>6</strong> a series of rude awakenings; <em>If life is unfair, why can&#8217;t it be unfair in my favor?</em> <strong>7</strong> the whim of several billion cells to be you for a while <strong>8</strong> learning about people the hard way&#8211;by being one <strong>9</strong> that brief interlude between nothingness and eternity <strong>10</strong> a whole series of circumstances beyond your control<br />
<strong>life insurance</strong> &#8211; a plan that keeps you poor all your life so you can die rich<br />
<strong>lifejacket</strong> &#8211; [Naut.] a special coat that lasts a lifetime<br />
<strong>light and airy</strong> &#8211; [Travel] no air conditioning<br />
<strong>lighthouse</strong> &#8211; a tall building on the seashore in which the government maintains a lamp and the friend of a politician<br />
<strong>light year</strong> &#8211; a regular year with fewer calories<br />
<strong>limbo</strong> &#8211; the place where arms and legs go when they die<br />
<strong>lingo</strong> &#8211; one of the Japanese Beatles<br />
<strong>line</strong> &#8211; something you give your coworkers when they ask on Monday how your fishing went the past weekend<br />
<strong>linguist</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a talented fellow who has mastered the ability to make mistakes in more than one language <strong>2</strong> a person who can be misunderstood in many languages<br />
<strong>lip service</strong> &#8211; applying lipstick<br />
<strong>lipstick</strong> &#8211; [female-specific] on your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear!<br />
<strong>liquidated damages</strong> &#8211; a penalty for failing to achieve the impossible<br />
<strong>liquor store</strong> &#8211; stupor market<br />
<strong>lisp</strong> &#8211; to call a spade a thpade<br />
<strong>listless</strong> &#8211; without means of remembering groceries<br />
<strong>lite</strong> &#8211; 20% fewer letters than &#8220;light&#8221;<br />
<strong>literally</strong> &#8211; how cats give birth<br />
<strong>literature</strong> &#8211; &lt;Elbert Hubbard&gt; the art of saying a thing by saying something else just as good<br />
<strong>Little Dipper</strong> &#8211; a small boy diving<br />
<strong>liturgy</strong> &#8211; the act of throwing the sermon on the sidewalk<br />
<strong>liver</strong> &#8211; [Med.] <strong>1</strong> one who is not dead <strong>2</strong> a food that affects genes, creating a hereditary dislike<br />
<strong>living</strong> &#8211; something to do when you don&#8217;t get to sleep<br />
<strong>Lizzy Borden</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] the original hacker<br />
<strong>lock and key</strong> &#8211; a very necessary device of modern civilization, if you want to keep what is yours<br />
<strong>locomotive</strong> &#8211; crazy reason<br />
<strong>locus</strong> &#8211; obscene muttering<br />
<strong>logarithm</strong> &#8211; displayed by a woodsman who sings and dances<br />
<strong>logic</strong> - <strong>1</strong> the art of going wrong with confidence <strong>2</strong> [Philos.] why I&#8217;m right<br />
<strong>logic circuit</strong> &#8211; a tour of Albert Einstein&#8217;s house<br />
<strong>log off</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] don&#8217;t add any more wood<br />
<strong>log on</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] making a wood stove hotter<br />
<strong>loin</strong> &#8211; not fat<br />
<strong>lollipop</strong> &#8211; [Par.] a snack provided by those who don&#8217;t clean sticky fingers, furniture, etc., or have to pay dental bills<br />
<strong>long jump</strong> &#8211; when the cow jumped over the moon<br />
<strong>look out!</strong> &#8211; [Par.] what it&#8217;s too late for your child to do by the time you scream it<br />
<strong>looks younger</strong> &#8211; [Pers.] if viewed from far away in bad light<br />
<strong>loop</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] see loop<br />
<strong>looting</strong> &#8211; a public shopping spree generously sponsored by local merchants in the wake of a riot<br />
<strong>Lord</strong> &#8211; /Let Oral Roberts Die/<br />
<strong>Los Angeles</strong> &#8211; where the only way to determine that the seasons have changed is to note that people have changed the main topic of conversation from mud slides to brush fires<br />
<strong>losers</strong> &#8211; [Par.] see &#8220;kids&#8217; friends&#8221;<br />
<strong>lottery</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a tax on the poor or those who are bad at math <strong>2</strong> the equivalent of betting that the next pope will be from Duluth, or that the parrot in the pet store window speaks Flemish<br />
<strong>lounge</strong> &#8211; [Academia] any area in a dorm, union or classroom building where the only furniture that isn&#8217;t soiled, ripped or scarred is immediately stolen<br />
<strong>love</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a feeling you feel you&#8217;re feeling when you have a feeling you feel you&#8217;ve never felt before <strong>2</strong> two vowels, two consonants, and two fools <strong>3</strong> the best medicine <strong>4</strong> to place our happiness in the happiness of another <strong>5</strong> the warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs <strong>6</strong> the only game that is not called on account of darkness <strong>7</strong>&lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; a temporary insanity curable by marriage <strong>8</strong> when you like to think of someone on days that begin with a morning <strong>9</strong> when, if asked to choose between your lover and happiness, you&#8217;d skip happiness in a heartbeat <strong>10</strong> I&#8217;ll let you play with my life if you&#8217;ll let me play with yours <strong>11</strong> [Canine] a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail; if you&#8217;re lucky, a human will love you in return <strong>12</strong>man&#8217;s grand delusion that one woman differs from another <strong>13</strong> a sea of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses <strong>14</strong>&lt;Plato&gt; a grave mental disease <strong>15</strong> something blind, but marriage is the real eye opener <strong>16</strong> a fire for which there is no insurance <strong>17</strong> a feeling which, even if unrequited, has its rainbow <strong>18</strong> the only game that two can play and both win; <em>Usage note</em>: the most slippery word in the human language; used by knaves to seduce, by fools for comfort, and by most men to placate the female<br />
<strong>love affairs</strong> &#8211; something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five day test<br />
<strong>love at first sight</strong> &#8211; what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet<br />
<strong>love letter</strong> &#8211; noose paper<br />
<strong>lover&#8217;s leap</strong> &#8211; the distance between twin beds<br />
<strong>loves animals</strong> &#8211; [Pers.] he has two pit bulls<br />
<strong>low blow</strong> &#8211; a dwarf performing fellatio<br />
<strong>lowest bidder</strong> &#8211; a contractor who is wondering what he left out<br />
<strong>low order position</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] the programmer&#8217;s position in the chain of command<br />
<strong>LSD</strong> &#8211; virtual reality without the expensive hardware<br />
<strong>Lucille</strong> &#8211; aquarium escapee<br />
<strong>luck</strong> &#8211; natural force involved when a man picks up a horseshoe on the road and is knocked by a car into a field of four-leaf clovers, passing under a ladder on the way, as a black cat walks by, getting up and stepping on a mirror hidden in the grass, thereby cracking it, as the shopping bag he was carrying rips open and the package of salt that was in it spills on the ground<br />
<strong>lumbar puncture</strong> &#8211; [Med.] a hole in a 2-by-4<br />
<strong>lunatic</strong> &#8211; insect from the moon<br />
<strong>lure</strong> &#8211; an object that is semi-enticing to fish, but drives an angler into a spending frenzy<br />
<strong>lute</strong> &#8211; [Music] money<br />
<strong>lymph</strong> &#8211; [Med.] <strong>1</strong> to walk with a lisp <strong>2</strong> a special fairy<br />
<strong>lymph node</strong> &#8211; [Med.] where a special fairy lives<br />
<strong>lyre</strong> &#8211; [Music] teller of untruths<br />
<strong>Macadamian</strong> &#8211; first man born in Scotland<br />
<strong>macaroni</strong> &#8211; [Par.] material for a collage<br />
<strong>machine-independent program</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] a program which will not run on any machine<br />
<strong>macho</strong> &#8211; used to describe a man who jogs home from a vasectomy<br />
<strong>Macintosh</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] /Most Applications Crash, If Not, The Operating System Hangs/ a computer with training wheels you can&#8217;t remove<br />
<strong>macro</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] the last half of an expression of surprise; <em>Holy Macro!</em><br />
<strong>mad</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; affected with a high degree of intellectual independence<br />
<strong>Madagascar</strong> &#8211; an angry petroleum using automobile<br />
<strong>madam</strong> &#8211; one for whom the belles toil<br />
<strong>magazine</strong> &#8211; a bunch of printed pages that tell you what&#8217;s coming in the next issue<br />
<strong>magi</strong> &#8211; the most famous trio to attend a baby shower<br />
<strong>magic</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; an art of converting superstition into coin. There are other arts serving the same high purpose, but the discreet lexicographer does not name them.<br />
<strong>mahatma</strong> &#8211; asking mother for hat; <em>Where&#8217;s</em> mahatma?<br />
<strong>maiden</strong> &#8211; where bears sleep after April<br />
<strong>maiden aunt</strong> &#8211; a woman who never said &#8220;uncle&#8221;<br />
<strong>mainframe</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] <strong>1</strong> the biggest PC peripheral available <strong>2</strong> holds the barn roof<br />
<strong>maintenance free</strong> &#8211; [Ad.] impossible to fix<br />
<strong>majestic setting</strong> &#8211; [Travel] a long way from town, at end of dirt road<br />
<strong>major</strong> &#8211; [Academia] an area of study that no longer interests you<br />
<strong>majority</strong> &#8211; the quality that distinguishes a crime from a law<br />
<strong>Major Key</strong> &#8211; [Music] an officer in the Korean army<br />
<strong>major operation</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a job for the major <strong>2</strong> [Med.] any that one is about to undergo<br />
<strong>major scale</strong> &#8211; [Music] what you say after chasing wild game up a mountain; <em>Damn! That was a</em> major scale!<br />
<strong>makeup</strong> &#8211; [Par.] lipstick, eyeliner, blush, etc., which ironically make Mom look better while making her young daughter look &#8220;like a tramp&#8221;<br />
<strong>malaria</strong> &#8211; [Med.] the place where several shopping stores are located <strong>2</strong> a disease inhaled in shopping centers<br />
<strong>malpractice</strong> &#8211; [Med.] <strong>1</strong> shopping until you get it right <strong>2</strong> the reason surgeons wear masks<br />
<strong>mammogram</strong> &#8211; [Med.] a telegram to Mom<br />
<strong>mammon</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; the god of the world&#8217;s leading religion.<br />
<strong>man</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; an animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species, which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest the whole habitable earth and Canada.<br />
<strong>manager</strong> &#8211; someone who doesn&#8217;t know how to do your job, who tells you how to do your job; read <em>Catch-22</em> for details<br />
<strong>manatee</strong> &#8211; a guy ready for golf<br />
<strong>mandate</strong> &#8211; rendezvous with a guy<br />
<strong>management</strong> &#8211; the art of getting other people to do all the work<br />
<strong>manger</strong> - <strong>1</strong> where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn&#8217;t covered by an HMO <strong>2</strong> the Bible&#8217;s way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough<br />
<strong>man hater</strong> &#8211; a girl who makes love with her eyes closed because she can&#8217;t stand to see a guy having a good time<br />
<strong>man-hour</strong> &#8211; a sexist, obsolete measure of macho effort, equal to 60 Kiplings<br />
<strong>maniac</strong> &#8211; an early computer built by nuts<br />
<strong>manic-depressive</strong> &#8211; [Med.] <strong>1</strong> a man pressed down to the floor <strong>2</strong> easy glum, easy glow<br />
<strong>manners</strong> &#8211; noises you don&#8217;t make while eating soup<br />
<strong>marijuana</strong> &#8211; a substance which can cause deterioration of mental functioning and a tendency toward paranoia in chronic non-users<br />
<strong>marionettes</strong> &#8211; residents of Washington, D.C. who have been jerked around by the mayor<br />
<strong>majority</strong> &#8211; that quality that distinguishes a crime from a law<br />
<strong>manual</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ray Simard&gt; a unit of documentation. There are always three or more on a given item. One is on the shelf; someone has the others. The information you need in in the others.<br />
<strong>Marconi</strong> &#8211; the first man to send a message through a piece of spaghetti without it touching the sides<br />
<strong>Marines</strong> - <strong>1</strong> The few, the proud, the dead on the beach <strong>2</strong> The few, the proud, the not very bright<br />
<strong>marriage</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a sentence, not a word <strong>2</strong> when the man loses his bachelor degree and the women earns her master&#8217;s <strong>3</strong>only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license <strong>4</strong> the mourning after the knot before <strong>5</strong> three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering <strong>6</strong> foreplay for divorce <strong>7</strong> &lt;Elbert Hubbard&gt; a legal or religious ceremony by which two persons of the opposite sex solemnly agree to harass and spy on each other for ninety-nine years, or until death do them join <strong>8</strong> a process whereby love ripens into vengeance <strong>9</strong> the evil aye <strong>10</strong> an old, established institution, entered into by two people deeply in love and desiring to make a committment to each other expressing that love&#8211;in short, committment to an institution <strong>11</strong> convertible bonds<br />
<strong>market correction</strong> &#8211; [Econ.] the day after you buy stocks<br />
<strong>Mars</strong> &#8211; first part of the title of a pop psychology book that maintains that human beings can be broken down into two distinct species, neither of which behave rationally<br />
<strong>martial arts</strong> &#8211; a family of Asiatic self-defense disciplines consisting largely of sweeping ornamental gestures of the arms and legs; amusing to look at but disappointingly ineffective when one&#8217;s opponent is armed with a semi-automatic<br />
<strong>martyr</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; one who moves along the line of least reluctance to a desired death<br />
<strong>mascara</strong> &#8211; makeup that ghosts wear<br />
<strong>Mason-Dixon line</strong> &#8211; line that separates y&#8217;all from the youse guys<br />
<strong>mass continuity</strong> &#8211; same number of people in church every Sunday<br />
<strong>masseur</strong> &#8211; people who knead people<br />
<strong>mast</strong> &#8211; [Naut.] religious ritual used before setting sail<br />
<strong>mastectomy</strong> &#8211; [Med.] surgical removal of a vertical pole on a sailboat<br />
<strong>masturbate</strong> - <strong>1</strong> used to catch large fish <strong>2</strong> a professional fisherman<br />
<strong>masturbation</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a solo played on a private organ <strong>2</strong> the human version of autoexec.bat<br />
<strong>matchbook</strong> &#8211; a treatise on matches<br />
<strong>maternity clothes</strong> &#8211; what a pregnant woman wears to show people there&#8217;s a reason she&#8217;s fat<br />
<strong>maternity dress</strong> &#8211; a slip cover<br />
<strong>maternity dressmaker</strong> &#8211; a mother frocker<br />
<strong>math anxiety</strong> &#8211; an intense lifelong fear of two trains approaching each other at speeds of 60 and 80 mph<br />
<strong>mathematician</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a sum worshipper <strong>2</strong> a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn&#8217;t there <strong>3</strong> one who believes imaginary things appear right before your <em>i</em>&#8216;s<br />
<strong>mathematical model</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] 46-26-38<br />
<strong>mathematical check</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] the remuneration received by a mathematical model<br />
<strong>math test</strong> &#8211; lots of problems<br />
<strong>matrimony</strong> &#8211; loan from your mother<br />
<strong>matrix</strong> &#8211; brothel patrons who arrived after April and prior to June<br />
<a name="matterofprinciple"></a><strong>matter of principle</strong> &#8211; [Politics] a political controversy involving the convictions of liberals; cf. <a href="http://www.opusforfour.com/definitions.html#emotionalissue">emotional issue</a><br />
<strong>mature student</strong> &#8211; [Academia] annoying, 30+ class member, who takes up the professor&#8217;s time with their inane anecdotes, and irrelevant questions and comments like, &#8220;Professor Smith, didn&#8217;t I see you at that village people concert in 74?&#8221;<br />
<strong>May</strong> &#8211; a month when you might<br />
<strong>maybe</strong> &#8211; [Par.] Mom&#8217;s word for &#8220;no&#8221;<br />
<strong>mayhem</strong> &#8211; confusion regarding spring skirt lengths<br />
<strong>McAfee</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] the patron saint of paranoid computer users<br />
<strong>me</strong> &#8211; what Geronimo says when he jumps out of a plane<br />
<strong>measuring cup</strong> &#8211; [Culin., Par.] a kitchen utensil that is stored in the sandbox<br />
<strong>media leaks center</strong> &#8211; the row of portable toilets outside the courthouse<br />
<strong>medical staff</strong> &#8211; a doctor&#8217;s cane<br />
<strong>Medicare</strong> &#8211; [Med.] a partial care<br />
<strong>medicine dropper</strong> &#8211; [Med.] doctor with greasy fingers<br />
<strong>medieval</strong> - <strong>1</strong> surrounded by the bad guys <strong>2</strong> only partly bad<br />
<strong>meekness</strong> &#8211; uncommon patience in planning a revenge that is worthwhile<br />
<strong>meeting</strong> &#8211; an assembly of people coming together to decide what person or department not represented in the room must solve a problem<br />
<strong>meets quality standards</strong> &#8211; [Ad.] <strong>1</strong> it compiles without errors <strong>2</strong> ours, not yours<br />
<strong>megabyte</strong> &#8211; a nine course dinner<br />
<strong>megaflop</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] the worst movie you ever saw<br />
<strong>megahertz</strong> - <strong>1</strong> an extremely painful condition <strong>2</strong> a very large car rental company <strong>3</strong> one million aches and pains<br />
<strong>megaphone</strong> - <strong>1</strong> very large telephone <strong>2</strong> 1 million microphones<br />
<strong>melancholy</strong> &#8211; a guard dog at a cantaloupe farm<br />
<strong>Melanesia</strong> &#8211; a phenomenon characterized by a loss of memory in cantaloupes and honeydews<br />
<strong>mêlée</strong> &#8211; sex in the 5th month<br />
<strong>memo</strong> &#8211; an office communication often written more for the benefit of the person who sends it than the person who receives it<br />
<strong>memory</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] the most generous in terms of variety, and the skimpiest in terms of quantity<br />
<strong>memory dump</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] amnesia<br />
<strong>meningitis</strong> &#8211; [Med.] getting a man<br />
<strong>menopause</strong> &#8211; [Med.] <strong>1</strong> when one stops and reflects upon men <strong>2</strong> males with dog-like hands and feet <strong>3</strong> a group of hesitant males<br />
<strong>men&#8217;s sale</strong> &#8211; it&#8217;s ok to get one on sale, just make sure the store has a good return policy<br />
<strong>menstruation</strong> &#8211; [Med.] male model display<br />
<strong>menstrual cycle</strong> &#8211; [Med.] it has three wheels<br />
<strong>menu</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a list of dishes the restaraunt has just run out of <strong>2</strong> [Comput.] what you&#8217;ll never see again after buying a computer because you&#8217;ll be too poor to eat in a restaurant<br />
<strong>mermaid</strong> &#8211; a bottomless girl in a topless suit<br />
<strong>merriment</strong> &#8211; intended to wed<br />
<strong>metallurgist</strong> &#8211; a man who can look at a platinum blonde and tell whether she is virgin metal or common ore<br />
<strong>metamorphic geologist</strong> &#8211; a gneiss person<br />
<strong>meteorologist</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a man who can look into women&#8217;s eye and predict whether <strong>2</strong> one who uses reverse psychology with mother nature; when he says it will rain, it won&#8217;t <strong>3</strong> one who doubts the established fact that it is bound to rain if you forget your umbrella <strong>4</strong> see &#8220;professional liar (non-legal)&#8221;<br />
<strong>meter maid</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a windshield viper <strong>2</strong> a person who always does a fine day&#8217;s work<br />
<strong>metronome</strong> &#8211; [Music] <strong>1</strong> person small enough to fit comfortably in a minivan <strong>2</strong> a subway pixie<br />
<strong>microchips</strong> &#8211; the stuff in the bottom of the snack-food bag<br />
<strong>microcomputer</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] one millionth of a computer; <em>After I installed Windows™, I had a microcomputer</em><br />
<strong>microfiche</strong> - <strong>1</strong> extremely small French fish <strong>2</strong> sardines<br />
<strong>microphone</strong> &#8211; [Media] makes audio (see television audio). Also insignificant<br />
<strong>microprocessor controlled</strong> &#8211; [Ad.] does things we can&#8217;t explain<br />
<strong>microscope</strong> - <strong>1</strong> smallest serving at an ice cream store <strong>2</strong> a small bottle of mouthwash<br />
<strong>microsecond</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] <strong>1</strong> the amount of time required for a program to hang up <strong>2</strong> the unit of time that measures how long that new computer is state-of-the-art<br />
<strong>Microsoft</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] neither<br />
<strong>microwave</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a greeting from a friendly micro <strong>2</strong> the smallest movement of the ocean <strong>3</strong> [Culin.] space-age kitchen appliance that uses the principle of radar to locate and immediately destroy any food placed within the cooking compartment<br />
<strong>microwaves</strong> &#8211; poor surfing conditions<br />
<strong>midair passenger exchange</strong> &#8211; [Aviation] air-traffic-controller-speak for a head-on collision; quickly followed by &#8220;aluminum rain&#8221;<br />
<strong>middle age</strong> - <strong>1</strong> when your age starts to show at your middle <strong>2</strong> a time when a man thinks that in a week or two he will feel as good as ever <strong>3</strong> when actions creak louder than words <strong>4</strong> with any luck, you&#8217;ll outgrow it<br />
<strong>middles, three deadly</strong> &#8211; these are middle manager, middle class, and middle aged. In most cases, one out of three is unavoidable. If you get two out of three, it should be of concern, and three out of three: panic!&#8211;and make sure to get something out of your mid-life crisis<br />
<strong>Midi</strong> &#8211; [Music] a small glass of beer<br />
<strong>midnight oil</strong> &#8211; [Academia] what you make popcorn in<br />
<strong>midwife</strong> &#8211; second wife in three marriages<br />
<strong>migraine</strong> &#8211; [Med.] what a Russian farmer can at last say about his harvest<br />
<strong>military</strong> &#8211; [Politics] having middle class people give money and jobs to republicans<br />
<strong>milk</strong> &#8211; [Par.] a healthful beverage which kids will gladly drink once it&#8217;s turned into junk food by the addition of sugar and cocoa<br />
<strong>milk of amnesia</strong> &#8211; infant formula used to forget birth trauma<br />
<strong>milk shake</strong> &#8211; what you get from nervous cows<br />
<strong>Millennium Edition (Me)</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] version of Windows in which the boot-up time was cut in half<br />
<strong>mime</strong> &#8211; belonging to me<br />
<strong>minimum</strong> &#8211; a tiny mother from England<br />
<strong>minimal</strong> &#8211; small animal<br />
<strong>minimalism</strong> -<br />
<strong>miniscule</strong> &#8211; the odds of minuscule being spelled correctly<br />
<strong>Minnie Driver</strong> &#8211; a tiny golf club<br />
<strong>minute man</strong> &#8211; one who double parks while he visits a brothel<br />
<strong>MIPS</strong> &#8211; /Meaningless Indicator of Processor Speed/ [Comput.]<br />
<strong>miracle</strong> - <strong>1</strong> <strong>a</strong> the birth of a baby <strong>b</strong> the fact that you lived to tell about it <strong>2</strong> &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; an act or event out of the order of nature and unaccountable, as beating a normal hand of four kings and an ace with four aces and a king<br />
<strong>mirage</strong> &#8211; misspelling of &#8220;marriage&#8221;<br />
<strong>minor</strong> &#8211; a kid who digs for coal<br />
<strong>minor operation</strong> - <strong>1</strong> coal digging <strong>2</strong> [Med.] someone else&#8217;s<br />
<strong>mirror</strong> &#8211; a truthful reflector shunned by vampires, hypocrites and aging fashion models<br />
<strong>miscarriage</strong> &#8211; [Med.] firing a rifle and missing a target<br />
<strong>misdemeanor</strong> &#8211; your 6th grade teacher<br />
<strong>miser</strong> - <strong>1</strong> one who earns money the hoard way <strong>2</strong> one who lives poor in order to die rich<br />
<strong>misery</strong> &#8211; the sinking feeling you get when introduced to the person your friend fixed you up with because &#8220;the two of you are so much alike&#8221;<br />
<strong>misfortune</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; the kind of fortune that never misses<br />
<strong>miss</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; a title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in the market<br />
<strong>Mississippi</strong> &#8211; hippie&#8217;s wife<br />
<strong>misfortune</strong> &#8211; well, do you?<br />
<strong>Mr. Hyde</strong> &#8211; what a husband becomes when there&#8217;s housework to be done<br />
<strong>mistress</strong> &#8211; something between a Mr. and a mattress<br />
<strong>mistletoe</strong> - <strong>1</strong> an animal lacking a toe <strong>2</strong> a disease that afflicts astronauts<br />
<strong>misty</strong> &#8211; how golfers create divots<br />
<strong>MIT</strong> &#8211; the Georgia Tech of the North<br />
<strong>mixed doubles</strong> &#8211; Renee Richard and Martina Navratilova<br />
<strong>mixed emotions</strong> &#8211; the feeling one gets while watching one&#8217;s mother-in-law drive over a cliff in one&#8217;s brand-new BMW<br />
<strong>mizzen</strong> &#8211; absent<br />
<a name="mobviolence"></a><strong>mob violence</strong> &#8211; [Politics] a riot by people you disagree with; cf. <a href="http://www.opusforfour.com/definitions.html#demonstration">demonstration</a><br />
<strong>mockingbird</strong> &#8211; a waterfowl who is pretending to be royalty<br />
<strong>modem</strong> &#8211; /Monumentally-Overpriced Data Eating Machine/ [Comput.] <strong>1</strong> what to do to tall grass <strong>2</strong> how a southerner asks for seconds <strong>3</strong> a device used to deter telemarketers<br />
<strong>moderator</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] also known as god, dictator, egotist, oppressor<br />
<strong>modesty</strong> - <strong>1</strong> being comfortable that others will discover your greatness <strong>2</strong> &lt;Oliver Herford^#62; the gentle art of enhancing one&#8217;s charm by pretending not to be aware of it<br />
<strong>mohair</strong> &#8211; what bald men need<br />
<strong>momentum</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a reminder or souvenir <strong>2</strong> a brief lapse of memory<br />
<a name="momentuminvesting"></a><strong>momentum investing</strong> &#8211; [Econ.] the fine art of buying high and selling low, cf. <a href="http://www.opusforfour.com/definitions.html#valueinvesting">value investing</a><br />
<strong>Mommmmmmm!</strong> &#8211; [Par.] the cry of a child on another floor who wants something<br />
<strong>Monday</strong> - <strong>1</strong> root of all evil <strong>2</strong> &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; in Christian countries, the day after the football game <strong>3</strong> the pothole on the road of life<br />
<strong>money</strong><sup>1</sup> &#8211; [Econ.] <strong>1</strong> a mint makes it first and you try to make it last <strong>2</strong> the sixth sense, without which you cannot make complete use of the other five <strong>3</strong> something which never makes a fool out of anyone; it just spotlights them <strong>4</strong> something that is a great deal like sex: when you haven&#8217;t got any, that&#8217;s all you think about, when you have plenty, you can think of other things <strong>5</strong> does not talk; it just goes without saying <strong>6</strong> the most efficient labor-saving device ever invented <strong>7</strong> the most egalitarian force in society, conferring power on whomever holds it <strong>8</strong> that which you swap for what you think will make you happy <strong>9</strong> a commodity which doesn&#8217;t grow on trees&#8211;one has to beat the bushes for it <strong>10</strong> the element in life which makes stupidity shine <strong>11</strong> the poor man&#8217;s credit card <strong>12</strong> something that briefly brushes by one in its mad dash to Washington <strong>13</strong> something that doesn&#8217;t always bring happiness; people with $10 million are generally no happier than another with $9 million <strong>14</strong> a specie which won&#8217;t buy happiness, but will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem <strong>15</strong> for the average individual, something that is simply a goal; for the politician, it is power; for the liberal it is freedom; for the middle class it is stature; but for the poor, it is everything <strong>16</strong> &lt;P. T. Barnum&gt; a terrible master but an excellent servant<br />
<strong>money</strong><sup>2</sup> - <strong>1</strong> if a man runs after it he is money-mad <strong>2</strong> if he keeps it, he&#8217;s a capitalist <strong>3</strong> if he spends it, he&#8217;s a playboy <strong>4</strong> if he doesn&#8217;t get it, he&#8217;s a ne&#8217;er-do-well <strong>5</strong> if he doesn&#8217;t try to get it, he lacks ambition <strong>6</strong> if he gets it without working for it, he&#8217;s a parasite <strong>7</strong> if he accumulates it after a lifetime of hard work, people call him a fool that never got anything out of real life<br />
<strong>monitor</strong> &#8211; the thing you&#8217;re looking at<br />
<strong>monkey</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; an arboreal animal which makes itself at home in genealogical trees<br />
<strong>monkey business</strong> &#8211; pet store employing monkeys only<br />
<strong>monkey thump</strong> &#8211; bruise on a banana<br />
<strong>monogamy</strong> - <strong>1</strong> leaves a lot to be desired <strong>2</strong> one wife too many<br />
<strong>monopoly</strong> &#8211; economic monster made in the image of its creator, the State<br />
<strong>monotheism</strong> &#8211; gift from the Gods<br />
<strong>moonshine</strong> &#8211; an alcoholic beverage made in distill of the night<br />
<strong>Mop &#8216;n Glow</strong> &#8211; floor wax used by Chernobyl cleanup team<br />
<strong>moraine</strong> &#8211; typical weather forecast<br />
<strong>morality</strong> &#8211; that instinctive sense of right and wrong that tells some people how everyone else should behave<br />
<strong>morbid</strong> &#8211; [Med.] higher offer<br />
<strong>morning</strong> - <strong>1</strong> cause for alarm <strong>2</strong> the time of day when the rising generation retires, and the retiring generation arises<br />
<strong>morning sickness</strong> &#8211; an opportunity to see if the inside of your toilet bowl is really clean<br />
<strong>morning thickness</strong> &#8211; that pesky morning erection<br />
<strong>moron</strong> &#8211; someone that spent all night studying for a blood test<br />
<strong>mosquito</strong> - <strong>1</strong> an insect that makes you like flies better <strong>2</strong> a hypodermic needle with wings<br />
<strong>motel</strong> &#8211; a love-inn<br />
<strong>moth ball</strong> &#8211; special social event for moths<br />
<strong>mother</strong> - <strong>1</strong> &lt;Kahlil Gibran&gt; the most beautiful word on the lips of mankind <strong>2</strong> the person who feeds the mouth that bites her<br />
<strong>motherboard</strong> &#8211; hardware that&#8217;s a maternal turn-off<br />
<strong>motherhood</strong> - <strong>1</strong> mother of Robin Hood <strong>2</strong> what a baby kangaroo rides in [Par.] <strong>3</strong> the longest guilt trip you&#8217;ll ever take <strong>4</strong>twenty years of sleeplessness followed by thirty years of guilt<br />
<strong>mother-in-law</strong> &#8211; a ready source of all knowledge, especially advice, history, and judgments<br />
<strong>Mother&#8217;s Day</strong> &#8211; nine months after Father&#8217;s day<br />
<strong>motivated</strong> &#8211; the state of a freshly-cut lawn<br />
<strong>motor</strong> &#8211; [Aviation] word used by student pilots and cockneys when referring to the engine<br />
<strong>mountain climber</strong> &#8211; a man who always wants to take just one more peak<br />
<strong>mourner</strong> &#8211; same as a nooner, but sooner<br />
<strong>mouse</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] an advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate<br />
<strong>mouse pad</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] <strong>1</strong> hippie-speak for a rat hole <strong>2</strong> where Mickey and Minnie live<br />
<strong>mouth</strong> - <strong>1</strong> &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; in man it is the gateway to the soul; in woman, the outlet of the heart <strong>2</strong> the grocer&#8217;s friend, the dentist&#8217;s fortune, the orator&#8217;s pride, and the fool&#8217;s trap<br />
<strong>Mozart</strong> &#8211; mosquito&#8217;s paintings<br />
<strong>mucus</strong> &#8211; [Med.] <strong>1</strong> a cat swear word <strong>2</strong> not quite in focus<br />
<strong>mugger</strong> &#8211; a benevolent citizen of the streets who frequently spares the lives of total strangers in exchange for any cash and valuables in their possession<br />
<strong>mug shot</strong> &#8211; a photo of a coffee cup<br />
<strong>mule</strong> &#8211; an animal that is stubbornly backward about going forward<br />
<strong>mule barbecue</strong> &#8211; where everybody gets a piece of ass<br />
<strong>multiple choice exam</strong> &#8211; [Academia] A) study or B) not study<br />
<strong>multitasking</strong> - <strong>1</strong> reading in the bathroom <strong>2</strong> screwing up several things at once<br />
<strong>mummy</strong> - <strong>1</strong> an Egyptian pressed for time <strong>2</strong> who kisses the boo-boo after you scrape your knee<br />
<strong>museum</strong> &#8211; u see &#8216;em, u muse<br />
<strong>mush</strong> - <strong>1</strong> [Par.] what a kid loves to do with a plateful of food <strong>2</strong> main element of Mom&#8217;s favorite movies<br />
<strong>mushroom</strong> &#8211; a place where people neck<br />
<strong>munchkin</strong> &#8211; what cannibals do to relatives<br />
<strong>myth</strong> &#8211; a female moth<br />
<strong>mythology</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; the body of a primitive people&#8217;s beliefs concerning its origin, early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished from the true accounts which it invents later<br />
<strong>nacho cheese</strong> &#8211; that dairy product belongs to me<br />
<strong>nag</strong> &#8211; a man&#8217;s term for a woman who wants more to her life with him than just intercourse<br />
<strong>nails</strong> &#8211; [Par.] a hard covering on the end of the finger, which Mom can never have a full set of due to pitching for batting practice, opening stubborn modeling clay lids and removing heat ducts to retrieve army men and/or doll clothing.<br />
<strong>NAND</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] a Boolean operator meaning &#8220;not and&#8221; for use in database searches. The &#8220;N&#8221; prefix can be used with other words. NBUTTER means margarine, NTRUTH means politician, NROSS PEROT means modest, and NPOOR means Bill Gates.<br />
<strong>nanosecond</strong> - <strong>1</strong> Mork&#8217;s stunt man <strong>2</strong> [Aviation] time delay built into the stall warning system<br />
<strong>napkin</strong> - <strong>1</strong> what relatives do after the big Thanksgiving dinner you invited them over for <strong>2</strong> [Par.] any warm cloth object, such as shirt or pants<br />
<strong>natural childbirth</strong> &#8211; no eye make-up, no lipstick, no rouge<br />
<strong>naturalist</strong> &#8211; someone who is really down to earth in everything<br />
<strong>nature</strong> - <strong>1</strong> an eagle opportunity employer <strong>2</strong> &lt;Elbert Hubbard&gt; the unseen intelligence which loved us into being, and is disposing of us by the same token<br />
<strong>nautical</strong> &#8211; don&#8217;t tickle!<br />
<strong>Naval Reserve</strong> &#8211; where the spare omphaloses are kept<br />
<strong>navel</strong> &#8211; a place to stash your gum on the way down<br />
<strong>near-death experience</strong> &#8211; [Academia] calculator quits during exam<br />
<strong>necrophilia</strong> - <strong>1</strong> an uncontrollable urge to crack open a cold one <strong>2</strong> dead boring <strong>3</strong> dropping in for a cold one<br />
<strong>negative feedback</strong> &#8211; one result of seasickness<br />
<strong>negligent</strong> &#8211; absentmindedly answering the front door in a nightie<br />
<strong>negotiate</strong> &#8211; to seek a meeting of the minds without the knocking together of heads<br />
<strong>negotiation</strong> &#8211; the art of persuading your opponent to take the nice shiny copper penny and give you the wrinkled old paper money<br />
<strong>neighbor</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; one whom we are commanded to love as ourselves and who does all he can to make us disobedient<br />
<strong>neighborhood</strong> &#8211; a felon who lives near your home<br />
<strong>neighbors</strong> &#8211; the strangers who live next door<br />
<strong>neo-</strong> &#8211; [Philos.] you&#8217;re as wrong as those old guys<br />
<strong>nervous</strong> &#8211; used to describe one who asks which wine goes best with fingernails<br />
<strong>network</strong> - <strong>1</strong> what fishermen do when not fishing <strong>2</strong> process of making nets <strong>3</strong> to spread misinformation<br />
<strong>neurotic</strong> &#8211; [Med.] <strong>1</strong> self-taut person <strong>2</strong> person who can&#8217;t leave being well enough alone <strong>3</strong> a person who worries about things that didn&#8217;t happen in the past, instead of worrying about something that won&#8217;t happen in the future, like all us normal people<br />
<strong>neutrino</strong> &#8211; a neutered Italian<br />
<strong>neutrophil</strong> &#8211; Phil after that terrible accident<br />
<strong>névé</strong> &#8211; Jose<br />
<strong>new</strong> &#8211; [Ad.] it comes in different colors from the previous version<br />
<strong>New Age</strong> &#8211; what a woman gives instead of her real age<br />
<strong>newsflash</strong> &#8211; headless body found in topless bar<br />
<strong>new journalism</strong> &#8211; [Media] print the truth &#8211; don&#8217;t offend anyone<br />
<strong>news</strong> &#8211; [Media] an illusion created by two people talking fast for 45 seconds<br />
<strong>new year&#8217;s resolution</strong> &#8211; something that goes in one year and out the other<br />
<strong>nice girl</strong> &#8211; one who whispers sweet nothing-doings in your ear<br />
<strong>nickname</strong> &#8211; generally, your own name with the suffix &#8220;ster&#8221; attached in a forced awkward attempt at familiarity, e.g., &#8220;Bobster,&#8221; &#8220;Hankster,&#8221; &#8220;Georgester,&#8221; or &#8220;Webster&#8221;<br />
<strong>nightmare</strong> &#8211; a female horse that&#8217;s used only for evening rides<br />
<strong>nihilist</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; a Russian who denies the existence of anything but Tolstoi. The leader of the school is Tolstoi.<br />
<strong>nitrate</strong> &#8211; [Med.] different than the day rate<br />
<strong>no</strong> &#8211; [Academia] the response that guys who will spend most of their time in the gym lifting weights might put on a true/false test<br />
<strong>no brainer</strong> &#8211; a decision which, in hindsight, is &#8220;obvious&#8221; to those who failed to make it originally<br />
<strong>node</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] was aware of<br />
<strong>Noel Coward</strong> &#8211; man afraid of Christmas<br />
<strong>no extra fees</strong> &#8211; [Travel] no extras<br />
<strong>noisy</strong> &#8211; two skeletons making love on a tin roof<br />
<strong>nominal fee</strong> &#8211; [Travel] outrageous charge<br />
<strong>non-revenue position</strong> &#8211; [Aviation] usually can be identified by the fact that these passengers are in first class and are dressed in pilot or flight attendant uniforms. Non-revenue positions are permitted to fly first class free of charge to prevent revenue passengers from being able to pay first class passenger charges.<br />
<strong>nonsense</strong> &#8211; the objections that are urged against this excellent dictionary<br />
<strong>non-traditional</strong> &#8211; [Pers.] mistress lives in the basement<br />
<strong>no phone calls please</strong> &#8211; [Emp.] we&#8217;ve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality<br />
<strong>no-record</strong> &#8211; [Aviation] any passenger booked through a travel agency<br />
<strong>normal</strong> &#8211; a setting on a brainwashing machine<br />
<strong>normalize</strong> &#8211; average vision<br />
<strong>Norton</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] the patron saint of lost files<br />
<strong>nose</strong> - <strong>1</strong> an object that sticks out farther on one&#8217;s face and farthest into someone else&#8217;s business <strong>2</strong> the scenter of one&#8217;s face<br />
<strong>nose count</strong> &#8211; is familiar with Dracula<br />
<strong>nostalgia</strong> - <strong>1</strong> &lt;attrib. Doug Larson&gt; a device that removes the ruts and potholes from memory lane <strong>2</strong> the good old days multiplied by a bad memory <strong>3</strong> the feeling one gets while trimming the Christmas tree with popcorn made in the microwave<br />
<strong>nostalgia buff</strong> &#8211; one who finds the past perfect and present tense<br />
<strong>Nostradamus</strong> &#8211; a nose itch when your hands are unable to scratch it<br />
<strong>notary</strong> &#8211; to be acquainted with Terrence<br />
<strong>nothing</strong> &#8211; a man with an erection who walks into a wall and breaks his nose<br />
<strong>nouvelle cuisine</strong> &#8211; French for &#8220;not enough food&#8221;; compare <strong>continental breakfast</strong>, English for &#8220;not enough food,&#8221;<strong>tapas</strong>, Spanish for &#8220;not enough food,&#8221; and <strong>dim sum</strong>, Chinese for more food than you&#8217;ve ever seen in your entire life<br />
<strong>November</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; the eleventh twelfth of a weariness<br />
<strong>nude models</strong> &#8211; [Academia] the reason for your sudden interest in art classes<br />
<strong>nudism</strong> &#8211; exposure with composure<br />
<strong>nudist</strong> &#8211; one who grins and bares it<br />
<strong>nudist colony</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a place where men and women air their differences <strong>2</strong> a place where the peeling is mutual<br />
<strong>null string</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] the result of a 4-hour database search<br />
<strong>nurse</strong> &#8211; a young woman who holds your wrist and then expects your pulse to be normal<br />
<strong>nursery</strong> &#8211; place where nurses are made<br />
<strong>Nutcracker Suite</strong> &#8211; [Music] a squirrel&#8217;s home<br />
<strong>nutrition</strong> &#8211; [Par.] secret war waged by parents using direct commands, camouflage, and constant guard duty<br />
<strong>nymphomaniac</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a man&#8217;s term for a woman who wants to do it more often than he does <strong>2</strong> a disease where the patient enjoys being bedridden <strong>3</strong> a woman that can only count up to sex<br />
<strong>oats</strong> &#8211; &lt;Samuel Johnson&gt; a grain, which in England is generally given to horses, but in Scotland supports the people<br />
<strong>obesity</strong> &#8211; surplus gone to waist<br />
<strong>obituary</strong> &#8211; a final summation of our lives that, for most of us, occupies about three inches of space in what will shortly become cage liner for your neighbor&#8217;s parakeet<br />
<strong>obsolete</strong> &#8211; the computer you already own<br />
<strong>obstetrician</strong> &#8211; [Med., Par.] the doctor who tells you you&#8217;re doing fine when you think you&#8217;re caught in the jaws of death<br />
<strong>obstinate</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; inaccessible to the truth as it is manifest in the splendor and stress of our advocacy<br />
<strong>occupant</strong> &#8211; the most common last name in North America<br />
<strong>occur</strong> &#8211; an interjection designed to get a rascal&#8217;s attention<br />
<strong>ocean</strong> - <strong>1</strong> &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; a body of water covering two thirds of the earth made for Man, who has no gills <strong>2</strong> [Par.] what the bathroom floor looks like after bath night for kids, assorted pets, two or three full-sized towels and several dozen toy boats, cars and animals<br />
<strong>octogenarian</strong> &#8211; an eight-sided Caucasian<br />
<strong>oddball</strong> &#8211; a dance for strange people<br />
<strong>odious</strong> &#8211; not very good poetry<br />
<strong>odyssey</strong> &#8211; should observe; <em>I told my brother, you</em> odyssey <em>this</em><br />
<strong>off-campus parking</strong> &#8211; [Academia] ample extra parking conveniently located in an adjoining county<br />
<strong>office</strong> &#8211; a place to relax after one&#8217;s strenuous home life<br />
<strong>office automation</strong> &#8211; the use of computers to improve efficiency in the office by removing anyone you would want to talk with over coffee<br />
<strong>office organization skills</strong> &#8211; [Emp.] I&#8217;ve used Microsoft Office<br />
<strong>officialese</strong> &#8211; a government language in which one can understand the words, but not the sentences<br />
<strong>offline</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] failure to pass a sobriety test<br />
<strong>oil paints</strong> &#8211; pigments of your imagination<br />
<strong>oily</strong> &#8211; not late<br />
<strong>old fashioned</strong> &#8211; [Pers.] lights out, missionary position only<br />
<strong>old world charm</strong> &#8211; [Travel] room and a path<br />
<strong>olfactory</strong> &#8211; where they manufacture antiques<br />
<strong>olive</strong> &#8211; none die<br />
<strong>Olympian</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; relating to a mountain in Thessaly, once inhabited by gods, now a repository of yellowing newspapers, beer bottles and mutilated sardine cans, attesting the presence of the tourist and his appetite<br />
<strong>omnipotent</strong> &#8211; camping shelter for doctors<br />
<strong>once</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; enough<br />
<strong>one-shot case study</strong> &#8211; the scientific equivalent of the four-leaf clover, from which it is concluded all clovers possess four leaves and are sometimes green<br />
<strong>one size fits all</strong> &#8211; doesn&#8217;t fit anyone<br />
<strong>online</strong> - <strong>1</strong> the idea that a human being should always be accessible to a computer <strong>2</strong> full of alcohol, but not drunk <strong>3</strong> where laundry is hung to dry<br />
<strong>on the go</strong> &#8211; [Emp.] I&#8217;m never at my desk<br />
<strong>on time</strong> &#8211; [Aviation] an obscure term, meaning unknown<br />
<strong>ontological argument</strong> &#8211; [Philos.] I am so right that none greater can be conceived<br />
<strong>opal</strong> &#8211; hey, buddy!<br />
<strong>open</strong> - <strong>1</strong> allowing unobstructed entrance and exit; not shut, as in mouth <strong>2</strong> [Par.] the position of children&#8217;s mouths when they eat in front of company<br />
<strong>open-minded</strong> &#8211; [Pers.] desperate<br />
<strong>opera</strong> - <strong>1</strong> when a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding he sings <strong>2</strong> an American talk show host<br />
<strong>operating room</strong> &#8211; [Med.] space required to perform in a single&#8217;s bar<br />
<strong>operating system</strong> &#8211; [Med.] [Comput.] cut, adjust, sew<br />
<strong>operetta</strong> &#8211; the lady who answers the phone at the phone company<br />
<strong>opiate</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; an unlocked door in the prison of Identity. It leads into the jail yard.<br />
<strong>opinion poll</strong> &#8211; [Politics] a sociologist&#8217;s idea of an election<br />
<strong>opportunist</strong> &#8211; one who starts having a bath when he/she accidentally falls into a river<br />
<strong>opportunity</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; a favorable occasion for grasping a disappointment<br />
<strong>optics</strong> &#8211; fleas with exceptionally good eye-sight<br />
<strong>optimism</strong> &#8211; the belief that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly, good, or bad, and everything right that is wrong. It is held with greatest tenacity by those accustomed to falling into adversity, and most acceptably expounded with the grin that apes a smile. Being a blind faith, it is inaccessible to the light of disproof&#8211;an intellectual disorder, yielding to no treatment but death. It is hereditary, but not contagious.<br />
<strong>optimist</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a husband who goes down to the marriage license bureau to see if his has expired <strong>2</strong> one who in a thunder storm sees lightning as a cloud with a silver lining <strong>3</strong> one who buys a bottle of hair restorer and a hair brush <strong>4</strong> a girl who regards a bulge as a curve <strong>5</strong> one who thinks they will never do anything stupid again <strong>6</strong> one who thinks his wife has quit smoking cigarettes when he sees cigar butts lying around the house <strong>7</strong> a bagpiper with a beeper <strong>8</strong> one who refuses to see the wolf until it seizes the seat of their pants <strong>9</strong> a man who makes a motel reservation before a blind date<br />
<strong>options galore</strong> &#8211; [Travel] nothing is included in the itinerary<br />
<strong>optometrist</strong> &#8211; [Med.] a person of vision<br />
<strong>oral contraceptive</strong> &#8211; &lt;Woody Allen&gt; the word &#8220;no&#8221;<br />
<strong>oral sex</strong> &#8211; the taste of things to come<br />
<strong>order of sharps</strong> &#8211; [Music] what a wimp gets at the bar<br />
<strong>oregano</strong> &#8211; the ancient Italian art of pizza folding<br />
<strong>Oregon</strong> - <strong>1</strong> eighty billion gallons of water with no place to go on Saturday night <strong>2</strong> the mine is empty<br />
<strong>organ donor</strong> &#8211; a motorcyclist without a helmet<br />
<strong>organic</strong> &#8211; church music<br />
<strong>organ transplant</strong> &#8211; [Med.] what you do to your piano when you move<br />
<strong>orgasm</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a person who accompanies the choir in church <strong>2</strong> the gland finale <strong>3</strong> the punch line some women just don&#8217;t get, generally because their mates have a tendency to rush through the joke<br />
<strong>orgy</strong> &#8211; grope therapy<br />
<strong>oriental grocery clerk</strong> &#8211; a Chinese checker<br />
<strong>orientation</strong> &#8211; Chinatown is a point of reference<br />
<strong>originality</strong> &#8211; &lt;variously attrib.&gt; the art of concealing your sources<br />
<strong>orthodox</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; an ox wearing the popular religious joke<br />
<strong>oscilloscope</strong> &#8211; vibrating mouthwash<br />
<strong>OS/2</strong> &#8211; /Obsolete Soon, Too/ [Comput.] <em>Archaic</em><br />
<strong>organic</strong> &#8211; musical<br />
<strong>origin</strong> &#8211; an alcoholic drink made from orgies<br />
<strong>OSHA</strong> &#8211; a protective coating made by half-baking a mixture of fine print, red tape, split hairs and baloney&#8211;usually applied at random with a shotgun<br />
<strong>out</strong> -[Academia] where your roommate always is when one of the 35 clubs they belong to calls with a very important message<br />
<strong>outcome</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; a particular type of disappointment<br />
<strong>outdo</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; to make an enemy<br />
<strong>outfit</strong> &#8211; having a tantrum outdoors<br />
<strong>outgoing</strong> &#8211; [Pers.] loud and obnoxious<br />
<strong>out of kilter</strong> &#8211; a naked Scotsman<br />
<strong>outpatient</strong> &#8211; person who has fainted<br />
<strong>output</strong> &#8211; what people who talk backwards do with their cat<br />
<a name="output"></a><strong>output</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] &#8211; four-letter words; cf. <a href="http://www.opusforfour.com/definitions.html#input">input</a><br />
<strong>ova</strong> &#8211; [Med.] finished, done with<br />
<strong>ovaries</strong> &#8211; [Med.] a French egg dish made with cheese<br />
<strong>oven</strong> &#8211; [Culin.] compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces of meat and poultry.<br />
<strong>overboard</strong> &#8211; asleep<br />
<strong>overeating</strong> &#8211; what makes one thick to one&#8217;s stomach<br />
<strong>overflow</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] the result of drinking too much alcohol<br />
<strong>overleap</strong> &#8211; when the cow jumped over the moon<br />
<strong>overloaded</strong> &#8211; an elephant riding a bicycle<br />
<strong>overprotective</strong> &#8211; you&#8217;re not ready to know<br />
<strong>overstuffed recliner</strong> &#8211; Mom&#8217;s nickname for dad<br />
<strong>overweight</strong> &#8211; something that just sort of snacks up on you<br />
<strong>ow</strong> &#8211; [Par.] the first word spoken by children with older siblings<br />
<a name="oxyacetylenetorch"></a><strong>oxyacetylene torch</strong> &#8211; used almost entirely for lighting those stale garage cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the Whitworth socket drawer (what wife would think to look in there?) because you can never remember to buy lighter fluid for the Zippo lighter you got from the PX at Fort Campbell<br />
<strong>oxymoron</strong> - <strong>1</strong> bullfighter <strong>2</strong> one who has used too much acne cream<br />
<strong>oyster</strong> &#8211; [Culin.] <strong>1</strong> fish built like a nut <strong>2</strong> someone who infuses Yiddish expressions in their conversation<br />
<strong>oyster bed</strong> &#8211; a place for an oyster to sleep<br />
<strong>ozone</strong> &#8211; erogenous area<br />
<strong><em>p</em></strong> &#8211; [Music] soft, the neighbors have complained<br />
<strong>pacifist</strong> &#8211; one unable to advocate peace without clinching his fist<br />
<strong>padded bra</strong> &#8211; a hidden persuader<br />
<strong>paint</strong> &#8211; the substance applied before using paint remover<br />
<strong>painting</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; the art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and exposing them to the critic<br />
<strong>pajamas</strong> &#8211; items of clothing that newlyweds place beside the bed in case of fire<br />
<strong>paleo-</strong> &#8211; [Philos.] you&#8217;re as wrong as that new-fangled stuff<br />
<strong>pandemonium</strong> &#8211; a housing development for pandas<br />
<strong>pandering</strong> &#8211; selling Chinese bears<br />
<a name="panic"></a><strong>panic</strong> - <strong>1</strong> [Par.] what a mother goes through when the wind-up swing stops <strong>2</strong> the second time you can&#8217;t do it the first time; cf. <a href="http://www.opusforfour.com/definitions.html#anxiety">anxiety</a><br />
<strong>pantheism</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; the doctrine that everything is God, in contradistinction to the doctrine that God is everything<br />
<strong>paper</strong> &#8211; [Academia] your version of the CliffsNotes<br />
<strong>paper clip</strong> - <strong>1</strong> larval stage of a coat hanger <strong>2</strong> the primary tool of an engineer. Common uses are ejecting disks from locked up Macintoshes or CD-ROM drives that don&#8217;t want to give your CD back, testing batteries, and prying staples out of things that shouldn&#8217;t have staples in them. Not to be used to hold paper together.<br />
<strong>Pap smear</strong> &#8211; [Med.] <strong>1</strong> a fatherhood test <strong>2</strong> to slander your father<br />
<strong>parables</strong> &#8211; two male bovines<br />
<strong>parachute</strong> &#8211; a double-barreled shotgun<br />
<strong>parade</strong> &#8211; a feline beverage<br />
<strong>paradise</strong> - <strong>1</strong> two cubes with dots on them <strong>2</strong> exactly like where you are right now, only much, much better<br />
<strong>paradox</strong> &#8211; two physicians<br />
<strong>paradoxical</strong> &#8211; [Philos.] it only looks like I&#8217;m wrong<br />
<strong>paraffins</strong> &#8211; found on the sides of fish<br />
<strong>parallel port</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] a port next to another port<br />
<strong>paralyze</strong> &#8211; [Med.] &#8220;The check&#8217;s in the mail&#8221; and &#8220;Trust me&#8221;<br />
<strong>paramedics</strong> &#8211; [Med.] a doctor duet<br />
<strong>parameter</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] the absolute limit before the secretary yells for help<br />
<strong>paranoia</strong> - <strong>1</strong> believing this definition was written about you <strong>2</strong> a healthy understanding of how the world works<br />
<strong>paranoid</strong> - <strong>1</strong> an irritated couple, such as one interrupted by a cop in lover&#8217;s lane <strong>2</strong> someone who just figured out what&#8217;s going on<br />
<strong>parasite</strong> &#8211; a base creature that extracts a living from the lives of others, like a tapeworm, biographer, or reporter<br />
<strong>parasites</strong> &#8211; what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower<br />
<strong>parasitic drag</strong> &#8211; [Aviation] a pilot who bums a ride back and complains about the service<br />
<strong>paratroopers</strong> &#8211; two Highway Patrol officers<br />
<strong>parentage</strong> &#8211; an ideal age to become a mom or dad<br />
<strong>parents</strong> &#8211; a couple who practice the Rhythm Method of contraception<br />
<strong>park</strong> &#8211; [Par., female-specific] <strong>1</strong> before children, a verb meaning &#8220;to go somewhere and neck&#8221; <strong>2</strong> after children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.<br />
<strong>parking lot</strong> &#8211; a place where arguments start from scratch<br />
<strong>parking space</strong> &#8211; an area that vanishes while making a U-turn<br />
<strong>partnership</strong> &#8211; co-invested boat<br />
<strong>Pascal</strong> &#8211; &lt;Datamation&gt; a programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it<br />
<strong>passenger</strong> &#8211; [Aviation] a herding creature of widely varying intellect, usually found in pairs or small groups. Often will become vicious and violent in simple and easily rectified situations. When frightened or confused these creatures collect into a group called a &#8220;line.&#8221; This &#8220;line&#8221; has no set pattern and is usually formed in inconvenient places. Passengers are of four known species: <em>paxus iratus</em>, <em>paxus latus</em>, <em>paxus inebriatus</em>, and <em>paxus ignoramus</em><br />
<strong>passing tone</strong> &#8211; [Music] frequently heard near the baked beans at family barbecues<br />
<strong>passionate</strong> &#8211; [Pers.] Don Juan type, with Roman hands and Russian fingers<br />
<strong>password</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] <strong>1</strong> ******** <strong>2</strong> the nonsense word taped to the monitor<br />
<strong>pasteurize</strong> &#8211; [Med.] too far to see<br />
<strong>patent</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a method of publicizing inventions so others can copy them <strong>2</strong> a camping shelter for dad<br />
<strong>pathological</strong> &#8211; [Med.] a reasonable way to go<br />
<strong>pathology</strong> &#8211; [Med.] the study of road maps<br />
<strong>patience</strong> - <strong>1</strong> wait control <strong>2</strong> &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; a minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue <strong>3</strong> &lt;St. Augustine&gt; the companion of wisdom <strong>4</strong> [female-specific] the most important ingredient for dating, marriage, and children. See also &#8220;tranquilizers&#8221;<br />
<strong>paycheck</strong> &#8211; the weekly $5.27 that remains after deductions for federal withholding, state withholding, city withholding, FICA, medical/dental, long-term disability, unemployment insurance, Christmas Club, and payroll savings plan contributions<br />
<strong>PCMCIA</strong> &#8211; /People Can&#8217;t Memorize Crazy Industry Acronyms/ [Comput.]<br />
<strong>PC upgrade</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] take the old bugs out, put new ones in<br />
<strong>peace</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; in international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting<br />
<strong>peanuts</strong> &#8211; one&#8217;s paycheck<br />
<strong>pecan</strong> &#8211; a container to urinate in<br />
<strong>pedestrian</strong> - <strong>1</strong> an endangered species <strong>2</strong> one who has found a place to park <strong>3</strong> &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; the variable (and audible) part of the roadway for an automobile<br />
<strong>pedigree</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; the known part of the route from an arboreal ancestor with a swim bladder to an urban descendant with a cigarette<br />
<strong>P/E</strong> &#8211; /parole entitlement/ [Econ.]<br />
<strong>Peeping Tom</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a perverted cat on stilts <strong>2</strong> a guy too lazy to go to the beach <strong>3</strong> a window fan<br />
<strong>pelvis</strong> &#8211; [Med.] Elvis&#8217;s evil twin<br />
<strong>penicillin</strong> &#8211; [Med.] what to give a man who has everything<br />
<strong>penis</strong> &#8211; [Med.] <strong>1</strong> urinate into this <strong>2</strong> a piano player<br />
<strong>penis envy</strong> &#8211; [Med.] a desire to be pink and wrinkled and about four inches long<br />
<strong>penitent</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a very sorry camping shelter that costs only one cent <strong>2</strong> &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; undergoing or awaiting punishment<br />
<strong>penitentiary</strong> &#8211; [Par.] where children who don&#8217;t eat their vegetables or clean their rooms eventually end up, according to Mom<br />
<strong>pension</strong> &#8211; a federally insured chain letter<br />
<strong>Pentagon</strong> &#8211; a place where costs are always rounded to the nearest tenth of a billion dollars<br />
<strong>people</strong><sup>1</sup> &#8211; some make things happen, some watch things happen, and the majority have no idea what happened<br />
<strong>people</strong><sup>2</sup> &#8211; The universe is of infinite size, thus it must have an infinite number of planets. Since not all planets are inhabited, it follows that there is finite number of populated planets. Logically, any finite number divided by an infinite number must be so close to zero as makes no difference, hence the average population of the universe is zero. This means that any people you may meet from time to time are figments of your imagination.<br />
<strong>P/E ratio</strong> &#8211; [Econ.] the percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing<br />
<strong>perennial</strong> &#8211; a plant that would have grown back year after year if it had lived.<br />
<strong>perfect fifth</strong> &#8211; [Music] a full bottle of Jack Daniels<br />
<strong>perfect guest</strong> &#8211; one who makes his host feel at home<br />
<strong>perfect wife</strong> &#8211; one who is deaf and dumb, over-sexed, and owner of a liquor store<br />
<strong>perfect woman</strong> - <strong>1</strong> an oxymoron <strong>2</strong> a woman who can suck a golf ball, etc., through 50&#8242; of garden hose<br />
<strong>performance</strong> &#8211; a statement of the speed at which a computer system works&#8211;or, rather, might work under certain circumstances&#8211;or was rumored to be working about a month ago<br />
<strong>performance proven</strong> &#8211; [Ad.] it works through beta test, and maybe through the warranty period, too<br />
<strong>perfume</strong> &#8211; &lt;Elbert Hubbard&gt; a smell that is used to drown a worse one<br />
<strong>period</strong> &#8211; comma that curled up and went to sleep<br />
<strong>perjury</strong> &#8211; [Law] when a law firm advertises, &#8220;We&#8217;re only here to help&#8221;<br />
<strong>Perot</strong> &#8211; (a)bort (q)uit (e)nd (t)erminate<br />
<strong>Persephone</strong> &#8211; the Greek goddess of bills<br />
<strong>perseverance</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; a lowly virtue whereby mediocrity achieves an inglorious success<br />
<strong>personable</strong> &#8211; [Emp.] I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers<br />
<strong>personal computing</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] terminal disease<br />
<strong>persuade</strong> &#8211; soft leather made from cat skin<br />
<strong>perverse</strong> &#8211; a poem about a cat; also, purrverse<br />
<strong>pessimist</strong> - <strong>1</strong> an optimist with experience <strong>2</strong> someone who feels bad when he feels good because he&#8217;s afraid he&#8217;ll feel worse if he feels better <strong>3</strong> a person who says that o is the last letter in zero, instead of the first letter in word opportunity<br />
<strong>pessimist/optimist</strong> &#8211; a pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad; an optimist is one who hopes so<br />
<strong>pest</strong> &#8211; a friend in need<br />
<strong>PETA</strong> &#8211; /People for the Eating of Tasty Animals/<br />
<strong>Peter Pan</strong> &#8211; a washbasin in a house of ill repute<br />
<strong>pets</strong> &#8211; [Par.] small, furry creatures which follow kids home so Mom will have someone else to clean up after<br />
<strong>petting</strong> &#8211; study of anatomy in Braille<br />
<strong>pew</strong> &#8211; a medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches<br />
<strong>peyote</strong> &#8211; a trance plant<br />
<strong>pharmacist</strong> - <strong>1</strong> <strong>a</strong> helper on the farm <strong>b</strong> a growth on such worker <strong>2</strong> setting up the goal shot on the farm<br />
<strong>phenomenal</strong> &#8211; [Philos.] I only seem wrong<br />
<strong>Phillips screwdriver</strong> &#8211; normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads<br />
<strong>philosopher</strong> &#8211; [Philos.] <strong>1</strong> one who keeps learning more about less and less until finally he knows everything about nothing <strong>2</strong> a fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead<br />
<strong>philosophy</strong> &#8211; [Philos.] <strong>1</strong> a study that lets us be unhappy more intelligently <strong>2</strong> &lt;Henry B. Adams&gt; unintelligible answers to insoluble problems <strong>3</strong> a system of labeling and redefining our language to allow us to rescue the absurd <strong>4</strong> a thinker toy <strong>5</strong>&lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; a route of many roads leading from nothing to nowhere<br />
<strong>phone</strong> &#8211; tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack<br />
<strong>phonograph</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; an irritating toy that restores life to dead noises<br />
<strong>phony</strong> &#8211; long distance fraud perpetrator<br />
<strong>photograph</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; a picture painted by the sun without instruction in art<br />
<strong>phrase</strong> &#8211; [Music] what teaching music does to your nerves<br />
<strong>physician</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; one upon whom we set our hopes when ill and our dogs when well<br />
<strong>physicist</strong> &#8211; an atom&#8217;s way of knowing about atoms<br />
<strong>physics</strong> &#8211; reverse-engineering the universe<br />
<strong>pi</strong> - <strong>a</strong> <em>mathematician</em> the number expressing the relationship between the circumference of a circle and its diameter <strong>b</strong><em>physicist</em> 3.1415927, plus or minus 0.000000005 <strong>c</strong> <em>engineer</em> about 3<br />
<strong>piano</strong> &#8211; [Par.] a large, expensive musical instrument which, after thousands of dollars worth of lessons and constant harping by Mom, kids will refuse to play in front of company<br />
<strong>pickle</strong> &#8211; a cucumber soured by a jarring experience<br />
<strong>picnic and panic</strong> &#8211; the difference between the two is twenty-eight days<br />
<strong>picture</strong> &#8211; something worth a thousand words&#8211;but only those to describe the picture. Hardly any sets of a thousand words can be adequately described with pictures<br />
<strong>picturesque</strong> &#8211; [Travel] theme park nearby<br />
<strong><em>pièce de résistance</em></strong> &#8211; a French virgin<br />
<strong>piecemeal</strong> - <strong>1</strong> cunnilingus <strong>2</strong> an armistice dinner<br />
<strong>piecework</strong> &#8211; the rate of pay for a prostitute<br />
<strong>pier pressure</strong> &#8211; the force that keeps decks above water<br />
<strong>piety</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; reverence for the Supreme Being, based upon His supposed resemblance to man<br />
<strong>piezoelectric</strong> &#8211; a dialysis machine<br />
<strong>piezometer</strong> &#8211; the instrument used to screen urine for drugs<br />
<strong>piggyback</strong> &#8211; a lost pig is back home<br />
<strong>pigment</strong> &#8211; mint plant grown to feed hogs<br />
<strong>pile driver</strong> &#8211; a drink containing two parts vodka, one part prune juice<br />
<strong>pillaging</strong> &#8211; looting a drugstore<br />
<strong>pillow</strong> &#8211; a nap sack<br />
<strong>pilot</strong> &#8211; [Aviation] <strong>1</strong> one who has, so far, managed to record an equal number of takeoffs and landings <strong>2</strong> a confused soul who talks about women when he&#8217;s flying and flying when he&#8217;s with women<br />
<strong>pimp</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a snatch purser <strong>2</strong> a nookie bookie <strong>3</strong> a public relations guy for a public relations girl<br />
<strong>pineapple</strong> &#8211; an apple that grew on a pine tree<br />
<strong>pink elephant</strong> &#8211; a beast of bourbon<br />
<strong>pioneer</strong> &#8211; early American who was lucky enough to find his way out of the woods<br />
<strong>pipe cleaner</strong> &#8211; a toothpick with long underwear<br />
<strong>Pittsburgh</strong> &#8211; a city in which the last tornado did six million dollars worth of improvements<br />
<strong>pixel</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] <strong>1</strong> Tinkerbell after the hormone shots <strong>2</strong> a mischievous, magical spirit associated with screen displays. The computer industry has frequently borrowed from mythology: the sprites in computer graphics, the demons in artificial intelligence, and the trolls in the marketing department<br />
<strong>pizza</strong> &#8211; [Culin.] <em>is</em> the four food groups<br />
<strong>pizzeria</strong> &#8211; large Italian pie with ratite topping<br />
<a name="plagiarism"></a><strong>plagiarism</strong> - <strong>1</strong> [Academia] copying from one source; cf. <a href="http://www.opusforfour.com/definitions.html#research">research</a> <strong>2</strong> &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; a literary coincidence compounded of a discreditable priority and an honorable subsequence<br />
<strong>plagiarize</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; to take the thought or style of another writer whom one has never, never read<br />
<strong>plan</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; to bother about the best method of accomplishing an accidental result<br />
<strong>plankton</strong> &#8211; about 2000 pounds of lumber<br />
<strong>plant manager</strong> &#8211; a gardener<br />
<strong>plasma</strong> &#8211; another matter<br />
<strong>plate</strong> &#8211; [Par.] a breakable Frisbee<br />
<strong>plateau</strong> &#8211; a high form of flattery<br />
<strong>platelet</strong> &#8211; [Med.] a saucer<br />
<strong>platonic friendship</strong> &#8211; what develops when two people get tired of making love to each other<br />
<strong>Platonism</strong> &#8211; [Philos.] I know the very Form of rightness<br />
<strong>playboy</strong> &#8211; a hedonist looking for consenting shedonists<br />
<strong>plea bargain</strong> &#8211; [Law} a good price on fresh pleas<br />
<strong>pleural</strong> - [Med.] more than one<br />
<strong>plush </strong>- [Travel] both top and bottom sheets, bed shakes<br />
<strong>PMS</strong> - <strong>1</strong> Pass My Shotgun <strong>2</strong> Psychotic Mood Shift <strong>3</strong> Perpetual Munching Spree <strong>4</strong> Puffy Midsection <strong>5</strong> People Make me Sick <strong>6</strong> Provide Me with Sweets <strong>7</strong> Pardon My Sobbing <strong>8</strong> Pimples May Surface <strong>9</strong> Pass My Sweat pants <strong>10</strong> Pissy Mood Syndrome <strong>11</strong> Plainly; Men Suck <strong>12</strong> Pack My Stuff <strong>13</strong> Potential Murder Suspect<br />
<strong>pocket pool</strong> &#8211; for men, two-ball in the side pocket; for women, playing the slots<br />
<strong>poet</strong> &#8211; an individual so in love with language who can, for the sake of art, survive any hardship&#8211;except a misprint<br />
<strong>poise</strong> &#8211; the ability to raise only one eyebrow on one&#8217;s first trip to a nudist camp<br />
<strong>poisoned coffee</strong> &#8211; grounds for divorce<br />
<strong>poker</strong> &#8211; a wild dance<br />
<strong>polarize</strong> &#8211; what penguins see with<br />
<strong>pole vault</strong> &#8211; vault where people from Poland hid from Hitler<br />
<strong>police</strong> &#8211; [Politics] having poor people pay to have someone beat the shit out them<br />
<strong>policy</strong> &#8211; a restrictive document to prevent a recurrence of a single incident, in which that incident is never mentioned<br />
<strong>policy research</strong> &#8211; [Politics] looking for statistics to support the position you have already taken<br />
<strong>polite</strong> &#8211; light on a pole<br />
<strong>politeness</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; the most acceptable hypocrisy<br />
<strong>political moderator</strong> &#8211; [Politics] a guy who makes enemies left and right<br />
<strong>politician</strong> &#8211; /Greek, <em>poly</em> many + <em>tish</em> face/ <strong>1</strong> a person with at least two faces <strong>2</strong> one who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after <strong>3</strong> &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; an eel in the fundamental mud upon which the superstructure of organized society is reared. When he wriggles, he mistakes the agitation of his tail for the trembling of the edifice. As compared with the statesman, he suffers the disadvantage of being alive<br />
<strong>politics</strong><sup>1</sup> &#8211; /Greek, <em>poly</em> many + <em>ticks</em> small, annoying bloodsuckers/ <strong>1</strong> the most promising of all careers <strong>2</strong> the entertainment branch of industry <strong>3</strong> parrot parasites <strong>4</strong> &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; a strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage. <strong>5</strong> &lt;Lester B. Pearson&gt; the skilled use of blunt objects<br />
<strong>politics</strong><sup>2</sup> &#8211; that parrot has swallowed a watch<br />
<strong>polo</strong> &#8211; horse hockey<br />
<strong>polygon</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a dead or missing parrot <strong>2</strong> who left the cage door open?<br />
<strong>polygraph</strong> &#8211; a machine used to determine if a parrot is lying<br />
<strong>polytheism</strong> &#8211; belief that God is a parrot<br />
<strong>polyunsaturated</strong> &#8211; a dry parrot<br />
<strong>pontoon</strong> &#8211; cartoon left as security for a loan<br />
<strong>pornography</strong> - <strong>1</strong> cliterature <strong>2</strong> the business of making record albums<br />
<strong>port</strong> &#8211; fancy wine<br />
<strong>portable computer</strong> &#8211; a device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation and on business trips<br />
<strong>porte-cochere</strong> &#8211; sacramental wine<br />
<strong>portent</strong> &#8211; dwelling for underprivileged campers<br />
<strong>portly</strong> &#8211; [Naut.] unseaworthy<br />
<strong>porcupine</strong> &#8211; a squirrel having a bad hair day<br />
<strong>porphyrins</strong> &#8211; [Med.] financially-challenged acquaintances who borrow money<br />
<strong>porridge</strong> &#8211; [Culin.] thick oatmeal rarely found on American tables since children were granted the right to sue their parents. The name is an amalgamation of the words &#8220;Putrid,&#8221; &#8220;hORRId,&#8221; and &#8220;sluDGE.&#8221;<br />
<strong>portable</strong> &#8211; system survives reboot<br />
<strong>pose</strong> &#8211; property of Edgar Allan<br />
<strong>position closed</strong> &#8211; [Aviation] a sign posted at various counter locations, which when interpreted by the passenger says, &#8220;Form line here&#8221;<br />
<strong>positive</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; mistaken at the top of one&#8217;s voice<br />
<strong>positive thinking</strong> &#8211; self-improvement through self-deception<br />
<strong>post-</strong> &#8211; [Philos.] now we&#8217;re finally right<br />
<strong>postage</strong> &#8211; the length of time between sending an email and its delivery<br />
<strong>poster</strong> &#8211; [Academia] an inexpensive way to decorate a dorm room while making people think you&#8217;ve been to foreign lands and done things you never have<br />
<strong>postmodern</strong> &#8211; [Philos.] who cares if I&#8217;m right or wrong<br />
<strong>post-operative</strong> &#8211; [Med.] a letter carrier<br />
<strong>postscript</strong> &#8211; graffiti on a pole<br />
<strong>potash</strong> &#8211; all that&#8217;s left after you smoke the joint<br />
<strong>potholder</strong> &#8211; what you don&#8217;t want to be when the cops arrive<br />
<strong>poverty</strong> - <strong>1</strong> having too much month left at the end of the money <strong>2</strong> a condition whose symptoms include overdosing on daytime TV, living in trailer parks, and hanging used toilet paper on the clothesline<br />
<strong>power</strong> &#8211; the only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA<br />
<strong>power user</strong> &#8211; one who can format a disk from DOS<br />
<strong><em>pp</em></strong> &#8211; [Music] very soft, the neighbors are at the door<br />
<strong>practical nurse</strong> &#8211; one who falls in love with a wealthy patient<br />
<strong>praise</strong> &#8211; letting off esteem<br />
<strong>prairie</strong> &#8211; a vast plain covered by a treeless forest<br />
<strong>pray</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; to ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy<br />
<strong>pre-board</strong> &#8211; [Aviation] a passenger who arrives at the gate five minutes before departure<br />
<strong>precedent</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; [Law] a previous decision, rule or practice which, in the absence of a definite statute, has whatever force and authority a Judge may choose to give it, thereby greatly simplifying his task of doing as he pleases<br />
<strong>prediction</strong> &#8211; you will read this word right now<br />
<strong>pregnancy</strong> &#8211; [Med.] <strong>1</strong> seems like a maternity <strong>2</strong> taking seriously something that was poked in fun<br />
<strong>pregnant pause</strong> &#8211; the amount of time it takes for a nine-month pregnant woman to get out of a chair<br />
<strong>preheat</strong> &#8211; [Culin.] to turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time before cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be burned when the food is put in, in addition to when it is removed.<br />
<strong>pre-law</strong> &#8211; [Academia] the major of a person who will end up in sales<br />
<strong>prelude</strong> &#8211; foreplay<br />
<strong>premature birth</strong> &#8211; [Med.] one that occurs before the expectant parents are well traveled and filthy rich<br />
<strong>premature ejaculation</strong> - <strong>1</strong> troubleshooting <strong>2</strong> a spoilspurt<br />
<strong>premenstrual syndrome</strong> &#8211; [Med.] just before their periods, women behave the way men do all the time<br />
<strong>prenatal</strong> &#8211; [Med., Par.] when your life was still your own<br />
<strong>prepared childbirth</strong> &#8211; an oxymoron<br />
<strong>prescription</strong> &#8211; [Med.] &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; a doctor&#8217;s guess at what will prolong the illness with the least harm to the patient<br />
<strong>present</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; that part of eternity dividing the domain of disappointment from the realm of hope<br />
<strong>president</strong> &#8211; see &#8220;scapegoat&#8221;<br />
<strong>presuppositional</strong> &#8211; [Philos.] I&#8217;m right and I won&#8217;t even discuss it with you<br />
<strong>pretext</strong> &#8211; foreword<br />
<strong>pride in my work</strong> &#8211; [Emp.] I blame others for my mistakes<br />
<strong>priesthood</strong> &#8211; special headpiece for a cleric<br />
<strong>primate</strong> - <strong>1</strong> removing your husband from in front of the television <strong>2</strong> the sultan&#8217;s favorite wife <strong>3</strong> the first spouse of a frequently married person<br />
<a name="primary"></a><strong>primary election</strong> &#8211; [Politics] where voters use machine to vote for a winner who will probably lose; cf. <a href="http://www.opusforfour.com/definitions.html#caucus">caucus election</a><br />
<strong>primeval</strong> &#8211; being really good at being really bad<br />
<strong>printer</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] <strong>1</strong> a joke in poor taste, which consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light <strong>2</strong> someone who can&#8217;t write in cursive<br />
<strong>priority</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] a statement of the importance of a user or a program. Often expressed as a relative priority, indicating that the user doesn&#8217;t care when the work is completed so long as he is treated less badly than someone else.<br />
<strong>private tutor</strong> &#8211; someone who doesn&#8217;t fart in public<br />
<strong>probable cause</strong> &#8211; [Law] <strong>1</strong> anything you do <strong>2</strong> anything you don&#8217;t do<br />
<strong>probate</strong> &#8211; [Law] a master baiter<br />
<strong>problematize</strong> &#8211; [Philos.] I&#8217;ll show you how wrong you really are<br />
<strong>problem drinker</strong> &#8211; the one who never buys<br />
<strong>problem-solving skills a must</strong> &#8211; [Emp.] you&#8217;re walking into a company in perpetual chaos<br />
<strong>pro bono</strong> &#8211; [Law] in favor of Sonny<br />
<strong>procession</strong> &#8211; the ceremonial formation at the beginning of mass, consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats<br />
<strong>procrastination</strong><sup>1</sup> - <strong>1</strong> I&#8217;ll define this tomorrow <strong>2</strong> the art of keeping up with yesterday <strong>3</strong> the thief of time <strong>4</strong> a habit you can put off trying to correct <strong>5</strong> constantly reading and posting articles to Usenet<br />
<strong>procrastination</strong><sup>2</sup> &#8211; [Academia] a method of work completion most often employed by students, it is taken to the level of an art form by its most adept practitioners. It requires good prioritization and time management skills, as well as a good relationship with a major deity (usually through frequent prayers and the occasional ritual sacrifice).<br />
<strong>production values</strong> &#8211; [Media] gore and explosions<br />
<strong>profanity</strong> &#8211; the universal programming language<br />
<strong>professional</strong> &#8211; [Emp.] jerk<br />
<strong>professor</strong> &#8211; [Academia] <strong>1</strong> someone who talks in somebody else&#8217;s sleep <strong>2</strong> a textbook wired for sound<br />
<strong>profile</strong> &#8211; [Med.] the queue outside the brothel door<br />
<strong>profit</strong> &#8211; [Econ.] a religious guy who talks to God, begging for one, or someone who talks for God, telling you why you won&#8217;t have one<br />
<strong>profitability</strong> &#8211; fortune telling talent<br />
<strong>profound</strong> &#8211; we discovered an expert!<br />
<strong>program</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a metric advocate <strong>2</strong> any task that can&#8217;t be completed in one telephone call or one day. Once a task is defined as a program (&#8220;training program,&#8221; &#8220;sales program,&#8221; or &#8220;marketing program&#8221;), its implementation always justifies hiring at least three more people <strong>3</strong> [Comput.] a magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn one&#8217;s input into error messages <strong>4</strong> [Comput.] to engage in a pastime similar to banging one&#8217;s head against a wall, but with fewer opportunities for reward<br />
<strong>program library</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] an organized collection of obsolete programs<br />
<strong>program log</strong> &#8211; a document, written in Sanskrit, which might give you a rough idea of what to do on the air, but usually doesn&#8217;t<br />
<strong>programmer</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] <strong>1</strong> someone who solves a problem you didn&#8217;t know you had in a way you don&#8217;t understand <strong>2</strong>red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects<br />
<strong>programmers</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] computer avengers. Once members of that group of high school nerds who wore tape on their glasses, played Dungeons &amp; Dragons, and memorized Star Trek episodes; now millionaires who create &#8220;user-friendly&#8221; software to get revenge on whoever gave them noogies<br />
<strong>Programming Department</strong> &#8211; mistakes made while you wait<br />
<strong>programs</strong> &#8211; those things you used to look at on your television before you hooked your computer up to it<br />
<strong>progress</strong> - <strong>1</strong> what you get when each mistake is a new one <strong>2</strong> the opposite of congress <strong>3</strong> the process through which Usenet has evolved from smart people in front of dumb terminals to dumb people in front of smart terminals<br />
<strong>project manager</strong> &#8211; the conductor of an orchestra in which every musician is in a different union<br />
<strong>proletariat</strong> &#8211; [Philos.] we&#8217;re wrong now, but wait for the revolution!<br />
<strong>promotion</strong> &#8211; new title, new salary, new office, same old crap<br />
<strong>promotion from within</strong> &#8211; a system of moving incompetents up to the policy-making level where they can&#8217;t foul up operations<br />
<strong>prompt</strong> &#8211; what the mail isn&#8217;t in the winter time<br />
<strong>pronoun</strong> &#8211; &lt;Bill Watterson&gt; a noun that has lost its amateur status<br />
<strong>proof</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; evidence having a shade more of plausibility than of unlikelihood<br />
<strong>prostate</strong> &#8211; [Med.] flat on one&#8217;s back<br />
<strong>prostitute</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a busy body <strong>2</strong> a receiver of swollen goods<br />
<strong>protein</strong> &#8211; [Med.] <strong>1</strong> an adolescent specialist <strong>2</strong> in favor of adolescence<br />
<strong>protest</strong> - <strong>1</strong> testing an expert <strong>2</strong> in favor of examinations<br />
<strong>proud people</strong> &#8211; [Politics] chauvinists you like<br />
<strong>prune juice</strong> &#8211; the breakfast of runners<br />
<strong>psoas</strong> &#8211; [Med.] in order that<br />
<strong>psychiatrist</strong> &#8211; [Med.] <strong>1</strong> person who&#8217;ll listen to you as long as you don&#8217;t make sense <strong>2</strong> a person who doesn&#8217;t have to worry as long as other people do <strong>3</strong> a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free<br />
<strong>psychoanalysis</strong> &#8211; [Med.] &lt;G. K. Chesterton&gt; confession without absolution<br />
<strong>psychologist</strong> &#8211; a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room<br />
<strong>psychopath</strong> &#8211; [Med.] <strong>1</strong> any urban thoroughfare during rush hour <strong>2</strong> the fun route<br />
<strong>puberty</strong> &#8211; a hair raising experience<br />
<strong>pubic hair</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a wild rabbit <strong>2</strong> organic dental floss<br />
<a name="publicinterest"></a><strong>public interest group</strong> &#8211; [Politics] politically organized liberals; cf. <a href="http://www.opusforfour.com/definitions.html#specialinterest">special interest group</a><br />
<strong>publish</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; in literary affairs, to become the fundamental element in a cone of critics<br />
<strong>puddle</strong> &#8211; [Par.] a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it<br />
<strong>pulpit</strong> &#8211; a large hole in the ground where tug-o&#8217;-war is played<br />
<strong>pumpkin</strong> &#8211; what people in West Virginia do<br />
<strong>pun</strong> - <strong>1</strong> its own reword <strong>2</strong> a groan-up <strong>3</strong> the lowest form of humor, unless you thought of it first<br />
<strong>Puritan</strong> - <strong>1</strong> one who no&#8217;s what they like <strong>2</strong> &lt;H. L. Mencken&gt; someone who is desperately afraid that, somewhere, someone might be having a good time<br />
<strong>purport</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a cat&#8217;s mouth <strong>2</strong> a sailor&#8217;s measure of long-term sexual accomplishment; <em>I averaged three girls </em>purport<em> last year</em><br />
<strong>purpure</strong> &#8211; a Japanese color similar to violet<br />
<strong>purring</strong> &#8211; sound of a cat manufacturing cuteness<br />
<strong>purse</strong> &#8211; [Par.] a handbag in which mom carries the checkbook and keys she can never find because they&#8217;re buried under tissues, gum wrappers, a plastic container full of cereal, toys from a fast-food restaurant, a teddy bear, a football, wallpaper samples, a grocery list and several outdated coupons<br />
<strong>pushing</strong> &#8211; [Par.] the final effort to get a ten-pound baby through an opening the size of a dime<br />
<strong>pussy whip</strong> &#8211; a dessert topping for cats<br />
<strong>putdown</strong> &#8211; too hot to handle<br />
<strong>putt</strong> &#8211; the sound a golf cart makes<br />
<strong>pylon</strong> &#8211; what a nymphomaniac says at a nude beach party<br />
<strong>pyramid</strong> &#8211; an organized pile of rocks<br />
<strong>q</strong> &#8211; a very dependent letter that usually likes to hang around you<br />
<strong>quadraphonic</strong> &#8211; how to misspell words four different ways<br />
<strong>quadruplets</strong> &#8211; four crying out loud<br />
<strong>quagmire</strong> &#8211; any situation more easily entered into than exited from; e.g., a guerrilla war, a bad marriage, or a conversation with an insurance salesman<br />
<strong>quality control</strong> - <strong>1</strong> the process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off a production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works <strong>2</strong> the process of assuring that the quality of a product does not get out of hand and add to the cost of its manufacture or design<br />
<strong>quality of life</strong> &#8211; what an industrialized nation is said to offer when enough of its citizens are suffering from terminal stress<br />
<strong>quantum particles</strong> &#8211; the dreams that stuff is made of<br />
<strong>quark</strong> &#8211; the sound made by a well-bred duck<br />
<strong>quarter</strong> &#8211; [Academia] the most coveted form of currency on campus<br />
<strong>quarterback</strong> &#8211; change when you pay for a 75¢ item with a one-dollar bill<br />
<strong>quarter tone</strong> &#8211; [Music] what most standard pickups can haul<br />
<strong>quartz</strong> &#8211; four make a gallon<br />
<strong>quaver</strong> &#8211; [Music] the feeling before a music lesson when you haven&#8217;t practiced<br />
<strong>queen</strong> &#8211; a crone on a throne<br />
<strong>questionable</strong> &#8211; what the police do when they interrogate a cow&#8217;s husband<br />
<strong>quickie</strong> - <strong>1</strong> no sooner spread than done <strong>2</strong> a moment&#8217;s piece<br />
<strong>quiet</strong> &#8211; [Par.] a state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college<br />
<strong>quorum</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; a sufficient number of members of a deliberative body to have their own way and their own way of having it. In the United States Senate a quorum consists of the chairman of the Committee on Finance and a messenger from the White House; in the House of Representatives, of the Speaker and the devil.<br />
<strong>quotation</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; the act of repeating erroneously the words of another. The words erroneously repeated.<br />
<strong>rabbit</strong> &#8211; small portion of a Rabbi<br />
<strong>rabid</strong> &#8211; [Med.] fast<br />
<strong>racehorse</strong> &#8211; an animal that can take several thousand people for a ride at one time<br />
<strong>race track</strong> &#8211; a place where windows clean people<br />
<strong>racism</strong> - <strong>1</strong> belief in the 100-yard dash <strong>2</strong> convincing argument against proponent&#8217;s racial superiority <strong>3</strong> a pigment of the imagination<br />
<strong>radical</strong> &#8211; &lt;Franklin D. Roosevelt&gt; a man with both feet planted firmly in the air<br />
<strong>radioactive</strong> - <strong>1</strong> individual who can&#8217;t work without music <strong>2</strong> a boom box in use<br />
<strong>radioactive cat</strong> &#8211; a cat with 18 half lives<br />
<strong>raincoat</strong> &#8211; [Par.] <strong>1</strong> article of clothing mom bought to keep a child dry and warm, rendered ineffective because it&#8217;s in the bottom of a locker stuffed in a book bag or because the child refuses to wear &#8220;the geeky thing&#8221; <strong>2</strong> a condom<br />
<strong>rainproof</strong> &#8211; wild horses<br />
<strong>raisin</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a grape with a sunburn <strong>2</strong> a worried grape<br />
<strong>ram</strong> - <strong>1</strong> that thar thing whut splits the farwood <strong>2</strong> [Naut.] an intricate docking maneuver sometimes used by experienced skippers<br />
<strong>ramification</strong> &#8211; what made Mary have a little lamb<br />
<strong>rampage</strong> &#8211; section of a book about male sheep<br />
<strong>random</strong> &#8211; as in number, predictable; as in memory access, unpredictable<br />
<strong>random access memory</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] when you forget what you paid for that new sports car in the driveway when your wife asks<br />
<strong>range</strong> &#8211; [Aviation] usually about 30 miles beyond the point where all fuel tanks fill with air<br />
<strong>rape</strong> &#8211; anti-social intercourse<br />
<strong>rapport</strong> &#8211; a French rapper<br />
<strong>ratify</strong> &#8211; to use a spell and turn a person into a rodent<br />
<strong>rationale</strong> &#8211; the reason invented by the conscious mind to explain to itself why the unconscious mind did whatever it did, even though it was no position to stop it<br />
<strong>rats</strong> &#8211; [Southern U.S.] entitled powers or privileges; <em>We&#8217;re willing to fat for our </em>rats<br />
<strong>raw</strong> &#8211; served on rare occasions<br />
<strong>reactor</strong> &#8211; a star in a rerun<br />
<strong>real blast</strong> &#8211; [Academia] intro Chemistry lab<br />
<strong>reality</strong> &#8211; where the pizza dude comes from<br />
<strong>realm</strong> &#8211; to be charitable once again<br />
<strong>real time</strong> &#8211; here and now, as opposed to fake time, which only occurs there and then<br />
<strong>real world</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] <strong>1</strong> in programming, those institutions at which programming may be used in the same sentence as FORTRAN, COBOL, RPG, IBM, etc. <strong>2</strong> to programmers, the location of non-programmers and activities you plug it in<br />
<strong>reappraisal</strong> &#8211; an abrupt change of mind after being found out<br />
<strong>reasoning, circular</strong> &#8211; see &#8220;circular reasoning&#8221;<br />
<strong>rebate</strong> &#8211; to put another worm on the hook<br />
<strong>rebel</strong> &#8211; what you have to do when kids don&#8217;t come to class when first called<br />
<strong>rebuffs</strong> &#8211; polished athletic shoes<br />
<strong>receding hare line</strong> &#8211; a bunch of bunnies hopping backwards<br />
<strong>recess</strong> &#8211; [Law] 12:00 &#8211; 2:00, during which time the attorneys climb the monkey bars and play kissing tag with the secretaries<br />
<strong>recessional</strong> &#8211; the ceremonial procession at the conclusion of mass; led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot<br />
<strong>recessional hymn</strong> &#8211; the last song at mass, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left<br />
<strong>recipe</strong> &#8211; [Culin.] series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don&#8217;t own, for a dish you&#8217;ll never make<br />
<strong>recount</strong> - <strong>1</strong> an honorary title reaffirmed by Floridians <strong>2</strong> &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; in American politics, another throw of the dice, accorded to the player against whom they are loaded<br />
<strong>recovery room</strong> &#8211; [Med.] an upholstering chamber<br />
<strong>rectangle</strong> &#8211; what the fisherman was left with after his brush with Moby Dick<br />
<strong>rectify</strong> &#8211; a state of disorder dependent upon a conditional act&#8217;s occurrence; <em>This motorcycle would be rectify drove it over a cliff</em><br />
<strong>rectitude</strong> &#8211; the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before examining you<br />
<strong>rectum</strong> &#8211; [Med.] <strong>1</strong> dang near killed &#8216;em <strong>2</strong> what being up all night did to the students<br />
<strong>recursive</strong> &#8211; see recursive<br />
<strong>red blood count</strong> &#8211; [Med.] Dracula<br />
<strong>redesigned</strong> &#8211; [Ad.] previous faults corrected, we hope<br />
<strong>redneck</strong> &#8211; popular term for a rustic male; rarely employed when addressing one in person<br />
<strong>Red Riding Hood</strong> &#8211; a Russian contraceptive<br />
<strong>reduce</strong> &#8211; a messed up point in tennis, when the score was at &#8220;advantage&#8221;<br />
<strong>redundancy</strong> &#8211; an air bag in a politician&#8217;s car<br />
<strong>reel</strong> &#8211; a weighted object that causes a rod to sink quickly when dropped overboard<br />
<strong>reference manual</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] object that raises the monitor to eye level; also used to compensate for that short table leg<br />
<strong>refined</strong> &#8211; locate again<br />
<strong>reflection</strong> &#8211; what a girl looks at, but is not given to<br />
<strong>reform</strong> - <strong>1</strong> to gain or lose weight <strong>2</strong> to pound into an unrecognisable mess in the hope you can then make something useful out of it<br />
<strong>reformed</strong> &#8211; a synagogue that closes for the Jewish holidays<br />
<strong>reformer</strong> &#8211; one who rides through a sewer in a glass-bottomed boat<br />
<strong>refrigerator</strong> &#8211; [Par.] a very expensive and efficient room air conditioner when not being used as an art gallery<br />
<strong>refuse</strong> &#8211; to replace a burned-out fuse<br />
<strong>Regatta</strong> &#8211; where the drunkard found himself tonight, again<br />
<strong>regression analysis</strong> &#8211; mathematical techniques for trying to understand why things are getting worse<br />
<strong>rehabilitation</strong> &#8211; [Politics] magic word said before releasing criminals<br />
<strong>reignition</strong> &#8211; the silly act of trying to restart a car whose engine is already running<br />
<strong>rejection</strong> - <strong>1</strong> when your imaginary friends won&#8217;t talk to you <strong>2</strong> when your masturbating hand falls asleep on you<br />
<strong>relationships</strong> &#8211; all the yachts your family owns<br />
<strong>relative major</strong> &#8211; [Music] an uncle in the Marine Corps<br />
<strong>relative minor</strong> &#8211; [Music] a girlfriend<br />
<strong>relax</strong> &#8211; to take another laxative after the first one doesn&#8217;t work<br />
<strong>relay</strong> - <strong>1</strong> the second time around <strong>2</strong> given at a brother when the service is poor<br />
<strong>relent</strong> &#8211; to lend someone something again after it was returned<br />
<strong>reliable</strong> &#8211; [Pers.] frumpy<br />
<strong>relics</strong> &#8211; people who have been going to mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand<br />
<strong>relief</strong> &#8211; what trees do in the spring<br />
<strong>religion</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; a daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable<br />
<strong>religious movement</strong> &#8211; results from drinking holy water and prune juice<br />
<strong>remind</strong> &#8211; brain transplant<br />
<strong>remorse</strong> &#8211; &lt;H. L. Mencken&gt; regret that one waited so long to do it<br />
<strong>render</strong> &#8211; the animals that draw Santa&#8217;s carriage<br />
<strong>repeal</strong> &#8211; a strip teaser&#8217;s encore<br />
<strong>repeat</strong> &#8211; [Academia] what you do until they just expel you<br />
<strong>repercussions</strong> &#8211; consequences of playing drums loudly<br />
<strong>reporter</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; a writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a tempest of words<br />
<strong>repossession</strong> &#8211; what happens if you don&#8217;t pay your exorcist<br />
<strong>repression</strong> &#8211; [Psy.] to sit on one&#8217;s inner demon to keep it decorously immobilized, as practiced by lifelong Presbyterians or anyone who attempts to exchange pleasantries with a tyrannical boss<br />
<strong>reputation</strong> &#8211; what others are not thinking about you<br />
<a name="research"></a><strong>research</strong><sup>1</sup> - <strong>1</strong> to look for something twice <strong>2</strong> to procrastinate indefinitely <strong>3</strong> [Academia] plagiarizing two or more sources; cf. <a href="http://www.opusforfour.com/definitions.html#plagiarism">plagiarism</a><br />
<strong>research</strong><sup>2</sup> &#8211; consider Columbus: He didn&#8217;t know where he was going. When he got there he didn&#8217;t know where he was. When he got back he didn&#8217;t know where he had been. And he did it all on someone else&#8217;s money.<br />
<strong>reserve</strong> &#8211; to offer seconds at dinner<br />
<strong>resolution</strong> &#8211; another way to describe the price tag on a monitor<br />
<strong>restitution</strong> &#8211; sleep disorder clinic<br />
<strong>restore</strong> &#8211; stick it back into the closet<br />
<strong>rest stop</strong> &#8211; traffic light stuck on red<br />
<strong>résumé</strong> &#8211; the closest many of us will ever come to perfection<br />
<strong>retard</strong> &#8211; [Southern U.S.] past tense of retire<br />
<strong>retire</strong> &#8211; replacement of tires<br />
<strong>retirement</strong> - <strong>1</strong> twice as much husband, half as much money <strong>2</strong> when one stops living at work and start working at life<br />
<strong>reunion</strong> &#8211; when you meet people your own age who all look a lot older than you<br />
<strong>Revelation</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; a famous book in which St. John the Divine concealed all that he knew. The revealing is done by the commentators, who know nothing.<br />
<strong>revenge</strong> &#8211; the aim of a bastard punching holes in a condom factory<br />
<strong>reverence</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; the spiritual attitude of a man to a god and a dog to a man<br />
<strong>revolution</strong> - <strong>1</strong> &lt;Napoleon Bonaparte&gt; an opinion backed by bayonets <strong>2</strong> &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment <strong>3</strong> a form of government abroad<br />
<strong>revolutionary</strong> - <strong>1</strong> the disk drives go round and round <strong>2</strong> [Ad.] it&#8217;s different enough from our competitors to avoid patent infringement lawsuits <strong>3</strong> [Ad.] repackaged <strong>4</strong> [Politics] an oppressed person waiting for the opportunity to become an oppressor<br />
<strong>rhesus pieces</strong> &#8211; a monkey in a blender<br />
<strong>rheumatic</strong> &#8211; [Med.] amorous<br />
<strong>Rhode Island</strong> &#8211; Texas after taxes<br />
<strong>rhombus</strong> &#8211; computerized public transport<br />
<strong>rhumb line</strong> &#8211; [Naut.] two or more crew members waiting for a drink<br />
<strong>rich</strong> - <strong>1</strong> describing a state of immorality attacked by the scriptures, but took the income tax to drive it home <strong>2</strong> having a condition, understood also by the poor, when you believe that God is on their side; however, the rich know He is<br />
<strong>riches</strong> &#8211; something that consists not in the extent of one&#8217;s possessions, but in the smallness of one&#8217;s wants<br />
<strong>rich man</strong> - <strong>1</strong> one who employs a secretary, butler, valet, cook, laundress, and housekeeper, while his poor brother has to do with just a wife <strong>2</strong> the one with the finest foods, but the poor man always has the better appetite <strong>3</strong> someone who may build a fine home, but it&#8217;s the wise man who marries his widow <strong>4</strong> one appreciated mainly by his heirs<br />
<strong>rich mixture</strong> &#8211; [Aviation] what you order at the other guy&#8217;s promotion party<br />
<strong>rich people</strong> - <strong>1</strong> those who, in the observances of the church, keep the feasts while the poor, keep the fasts <strong>2</strong> individuals unafraid to tell the sales clerk to show them something cheaper<br />
<strong>ring</strong> &#8211; item used to explore the drain in one&#8217;s sink<br />
<strong>ringworm</strong> &#8211; worm with a bell<br />
<strong>riot</strong> - <strong>1</strong> the language of the unheard <strong>2</strong> &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; a popular entertainment given to the military by innocent bystanders<br />
<strong>riot squad</strong> &#8211; a group that tells really funny stories<br />
<strong>ritard</strong> &#8211; [Music] there&#8217;s one in every family<br />
<strong>rite of weigh</strong> - <strong>1</strong> using a scale <strong>2</strong> diet book author<br />
<strong>robot</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a steel-collar worker <strong>2</strong> a Cleveland State University administrator<br />
<strong>robustness</strong> &#8211; never having to say you&#8217;re sorry<br />
<strong>rock music</strong> &#8211; lullaby sung in a rocking chair<br />
<strong>rocks</strong> &#8211; the original unfinished furniture<br />
<strong>rod</strong> &#8211; an attractively painted length of fiberglass that keeps an angler from ever getting too close to a fish<br />
<strong>rodeo</strong> &#8211; when you lean down and whisper in your lover&#8217;s ear, &#8220;Honey, you&#8217;re the worst piece I&#8217;ve ever had!&#8221; and then try to stay on for seven seconds<br />
<strong>Roe v. Wade</strong> &#8211; a decision to make when you reach the shore<br />
<strong>roger</strong> &#8211; [Aviation] used when you&#8217;re not sure what else to say<br />
<strong>roll</strong> &#8211; [Aviation] the first design priority for a fully loaded KC-135A<br />
<strong>Roman</strong> - <strong>1</strong> what you need to do to win the Regatta <strong>2</strong> person that never settles very long in one place<br />
<strong>romance</strong> &#8211; ants in Italy<br />
<strong>romantic</strong> - <strong>1</strong> blood sucking insect from Italy <strong>2</strong> [Pers.] thinks he&#8217;s Casanova<br />
<strong>room mother</strong> &#8211; [Par.] a position of great honor and responsibility bestowed on a mom who inadvertently misses a PTA meeting<br />
<strong>routine</strong> &#8211; dental work<br />
<strong>rope</strong> &#8211; device used for babysitting<br />
<strong>rose</strong> &#8211; color the sun was at dawn<br />
<strong>rotisserie</strong> &#8211; a Ferris wheel for chickens<br />
<strong>rubber band</strong> &#8211; a group of flexible musicians<br />
<strong>rubberneck</strong> &#8211; what you do to relax your wife<br />
<strong>rugged</strong> &#8211; too heavy to lift<br />
<strong>rumor</strong> &#8211; news that travels faster than the speed of sound<br />
<strong>runner up</strong> &#8211; a more polite term for loser<br />
<strong>running mate</strong> &#8211; a husband who dared to talk back<br />
<strong>rush hour</strong> &#8211; when traffic is at a standstill<br />
<strong>Russian</strong> &#8211; a guy who sits on nothing and dances<br />
<strong>rustle</strong> &#8211; the sound of cows being stolen<br />
<strong>sabbatical</strong> &#8211; a Latin word meaning, &#8220;I quit but you won&#8217;t know it for sure for a year&#8221;<br />
<strong>sacral</strong> &#8211; [Med.] holy<br />
<strong>sacrum</strong> &#8211; [Med.] holy<br />
<strong>sadism</strong> - <strong>1</strong> the standard deviation of the mean <strong>2</strong> a sadist refusing to whip a masochist<br />
<strong>sadist</strong> - <strong>1</strong> little old whine maker <strong>2</strong> a masochist who follows the Golden Rule<br />
<strong>safe sex</strong> - <strong>1</strong> fun in a vault <strong>2</strong> an affair the wife doesn&#8217;t find out about <strong>3</strong> <em>Archaic</em> put the car in park first<br />
<strong>safety belt</strong> &#8211; the one you don&#8217;t drink before driving home<br />
<strong>sage</strong> &#8211; [Culin.] a chef who really knows their spices<br />
<strong>sailing</strong> &#8211; [Naut.] mast transit<br />
<strong>saint</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; a dead sinner revised and edited<br />
<strong>salary</strong> &#8211; a sum of money usually equal to one half of one&#8217;s perceived worth<br />
<strong>salesman</strong> &#8211; a man with ability to convince wife she&#8217;d look fat in mink<br />
<strong>salesmanship</strong> &#8211; the difference between rape and rapture<br />
<strong>sales talk</strong> &#8211; trade wind<br />
<strong>saliva</strong> &#8211; a medium for blowing bubbles<br />
<strong>salt</strong> &#8211; something useful in a pinch<br />
<strong>sandwich</strong> - <strong>1</strong> an faulty attempt to make both ends meat <strong>2</strong> beach Wiccan<br />
<strong>San Franscisco</strong> &#8211; a nice place to visit, but I wouldn&#8217;t want to tie my shoelaces there<br />
<strong>sarcasm</strong> - <strong>1</strong> barbed ire <strong>2</strong> quiplash<br />
<strong>satisfaction guaranteed</strong> &#8211; [Ad.] <strong>1</strong> we&#8217;ll send you another copy if it fails <strong>2</strong> the manufacturer&#8217;s, upon cashing your check<br />
<strong>sauna bath</strong> &#8211; a slimming pool<br />
<strong>sausage</strong> &#8211; groundhog<br />
<strong>savings</strong> - <strong>1</strong> something acquired quite easily; all you have to do is keep too busy to spend your money <strong>2</strong> resources which are like toothpaste in a tube; easy to take out, but almost impossible to put back in<br />
<strong>scalp</strong> &#8211; something that is hair today and gone tomorrow<br />
<strong>scalpel</strong> &#8211; [Med.] what Indians used to do<br />
<strong>scamp</strong> &#8211; camp for impish people<br />
<strong>scamper</strong> &#8211; the silly way they walk in scamps<br />
<strong>scandal</strong> &#8211; a breeze stirred up by a couple of windbags<br />
<strong>scar</strong> &#8211; rolled tobacco leaf<br />
<strong>scenario</strong> &#8211; an imagined sequence of events that provides the context in which a business decision is made. Scenarios always come in sets of three: best case, worst case, and just in case<br />
<strong>schmuck</strong> &#8211; [Media] what everyone thinks a television director is<br />
<strong>school</strong> - <strong>1</strong> building with four walls and tomorrow inside <strong>2</strong> a grouping in which fish are taught to avoid your $40 lures and hold out for Spam instead <strong>3</strong> a learning prison<br />
<strong>school play</strong> &#8211; [Par.] sadistic ritual in which adults derive pleasure from watching offspring stumble through coarse reenactments of famous historic events<br />
<strong>schoolteacher</strong> &#8211; a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children<br />
<strong>science</strong><sup>1</sup> &#8211; a method of systematic inquiry; its main sections are readily identifiable by the following guidelines: if it&#8217;s green or wiggles, it&#8217;s biology; if it stinks, it&#8217;s chemistry; if it doesn&#8217;t work, it&#8217;s physics<br />
<strong>science</strong><sup>2</sup> &#8211; preconception meeting verification<br />
<strong>scorekeeper</strong> &#8211; someone that knows the score but will not share it<br />
<strong>score pad</strong> &#8211; a bachelor&#8217;s apartment<br />
<strong>screen</strong> &#8211; a wire mesh that keeps flies from getting out of the house<br />
<strong>Scriptures</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; the sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based<br />
<strong>scrotum</strong> &#8211; [Med.] small planet near Uranus<br />
<strong>SCSI</strong> &#8211; /System Can&#8217;t See It/ [Comput.]<br />
<strong>sculptor</strong> &#8211; a poor unfortunate who makes faces and busts<br />
<strong>scurry</strong> &#8211; take-out Indian food<br />
<strong>seamstress</strong> &#8211; 250 pounds in a size 6<br />
<strong>search engine</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] what you have to do when the car won&#8217;t start<br />
<strong>secluded hideaway</strong> &#8211; [Travel] directions to locate unclear<br />
<strong>second thought</strong> &#8211; an idea you get within a second<br />
<strong>second trimester</strong> &#8211; [Par.] the time when you ask the question, &#8220;will my husband notice if I eat this gallon of ice cream and side of beef before he gets home?&#8221;<br />
<strong>secret</strong> - <strong>1</strong> something you tell to one person at a time <strong>2</strong> something we tell everyone not to tell anyone<br />
<strong>secretion</strong> &#8211; [Med.] the act of hiding something<br />
<strong>security</strong> &#8211; what guards drink<br />
<strong>sedimental</strong> &#8211; sappy syrupy sloppy gush<br />
<strong>seed</strong> &#8211; [Southern U.S.] past tense of the verb &#8220;to see&#8221;<br />
<strong>seeking</strong> &#8211; another name for Triton, Poseidon or Neptune<br />
<strong>seizure</strong> &#8211; [Med.] Roman emperor<br />
<strong>self control</strong> &#8211; the ability to eat only one peanut<br />
<strong>self-employed</strong> &#8211; [Pers.] jobless<br />
<strong>selfish</strong> - <strong>1</strong> what the owner of a seafood store does <strong>2</strong> devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others<br />
<strong>sella</strong> &#8211; [Med.] where to keep wine<br />
<strong>semantics</strong> &#8211; pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood, including such things as gluing the pages of the priest&#8217;s prayer book together just before vespers<br />
<strong>semen</strong> &#8211; another word for &#8220;sailors&#8221;<br />
<strong>semicolon</strong> &#8211; [Med.] bowel resection remnant<br />
<strong>semiconductor</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a part-time bandleader <strong>2</strong> one who directs 18-wheelers<br />
<a name="semiformal"></a><strong>semiformal</strong> &#8211; two socks required; cf. <a href="http://www.opusforfour.com/definitions.html#informal">informal</a>, <a href="http://www.opusforfour.com/definitions.html#formal">formal</a><br />
<strong>seminars</strong> &#8211; /from &#8216;semi&#8217; and &#8216;arse&#8217;/ a half-assed discussion<br />
<strong>seminary</strong> &#8211; a sperm bank<br />
<strong>Senate</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; a body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties and misdemeanors<br />
<strong>senator</strong> &#8211; half horse and half man<br />
<strong>senility</strong> - <strong>1</strong> when you&#8217;re years beyond your wise <strong>2</strong> the state of mind of elderly persons with whom one happens to disagree<br />
<strong>senior citizen</strong> &#8211; one who remembers when charity was a virtue and not an organization<br />
<strong>senseless</strong> &#8211; broke<br />
<strong>serendipity</strong> - <strong>1</strong> the process by which human knowledge is advanced <strong>2</strong> looking in a haystack for a needle and finding the farmer&#8217;s daughter<br />
<strong>serial port</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] where they load the grain on to ships<br />
<strong>serology</strong> &#8211; [Med.] the study of knighthood<br />
<strong>serum</strong> &#8211; [Med.] what you do to steaks on the barbecue<br />
<strong>service</strong> &#8211; the nobleman in charge of sinning<br />
<strong>service ceiling</strong> &#8211; [Aviation] altitude at which cabin crews can serve drinks<br />
<strong>sex</strong> - <strong>1</strong> bags used for the storage of potatoes <strong>2</strong> what comes after five <strong>3</strong> &lt;Mae West&gt; an emotion in motion <strong>4</strong> &lt;Woody Allen&gt; the most fun you can have without laughing <strong>5</strong> &lt;John Barrymore&gt; a thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble<br />
<strong>sex drive</strong> &#8211; trying to find a motel that has a vacancy<br />
<strong>sex education</strong> &#8211; to learn by doing<br />
<strong>shallowness</strong> &#8211; the root cause of chronic good health, high school popularity, appearance on the fiction bestseller lists, and gainful employment on local TV news broadcasts<br />
<strong>share</strong> &#8211; to give in, endure humiliation<br />
<strong>shebang</strong> &#8211; a girl who can&#8217;t say no<br />
<strong>sheepskin</strong> &#8211; related to sheep<br />
<strong>sheet</strong> &#8211; cool, damp, salty night covering<br />
<strong>sherbet</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a hot wager <strong>2 S-</strong> composer of the Unfinished Symphony<br />
<strong>Shakespeare</strong> &#8211; what to do to frighten the enemy<br />
<strong>shamrock</strong> &#8211; cubic zirconium<br />
<strong>shareware</strong> &#8211; used clothing<br />
<strong>shellfish</strong> &#8211; a lobster that wants everything his way<br />
<strong>shin</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a device for finding furniture in the dark <strong>2</strong> [Skiing] the bruised area on the front of the leg that runs from the point where the ache from the wrenched knee ends to where the soreness from the strained ankle begins<br />
<strong>shipment</strong> &#8211; sent by car, as opposed to cargo, which is sent by ship<br />
<strong>shoplifter</strong> &#8211; a person with a gift for grab<br />
<strong>shopping</strong> &#8211; retail therapy<br />
<strong>short assignment</strong> &#8211; [Academia] an all-nighter<br />
<strong>shortcut</strong> &#8211; a diminutive barber<br />
<strong>shotgun wedding</strong> &#8211; a case of wife or death<br />
<strong>showoff</strong> - <strong>1</strong> the show has been cancelled <strong>2</strong> [Par.] a child who is more talented than yours<br />
<strong>shrink wrap</strong> &#8211; a group of psychiatrists conversing<br />
<strong>sick reptile</strong> &#8211; an illigator<br />
<strong>sidesaddle</strong> &#8211; how men, rather than women, would ride in a logical world<br />
<strong>sign</strong> &#8211; [Aviation] an airport decoration. Usually unnoticed except by small children. Its primary function is to hide the location of various areas of the airport, i.e., gate numbers, rest rooms, baggage claim, etc.<br />
<strong>silicon</strong> &#8211; a goofy prisoner<br />
<strong>silk</strong> &#8211; fabric made so that women could go naked in clothes<br />
<strong>silliness</strong> &#8211; dinosaur condoms<br />
<strong>simplistic</strong> &#8211; [Politics] an argument you disagree with but can&#8217;t answer<br />
<strong>single</strong> &#8211; /Stay Intoxicated Nightly, Get Laid Everyday/ footloose and fiancée free<br />
<strong>single entry</strong> &#8211; unattached persons only<br />
<strong>sinister</strong> &#8211; a promiscuous nun<br />
<strong>sit in</strong> &#8211; when you sit down to stand up for your rights<br />
<strong>667</strong> &#8211; the neighbor of the beast<br />
<strong>skeleton</strong> &#8211; [Med.] <strong>1</strong> a bunch of bones with the person scraped off <strong>2</strong> a guy inside out with his outside off<br />
<strong>skeptic</strong> &#8211; one who won&#8217;t take know for an answer<br />
<strong>ski!</strong> &#8211; [Skiing] a shout to alert people ahead that a loose ski is coming down the hill. Another warning skiers should be familiar with is &#8220;avalanche!&#8221; which tells everyone that a hill is coming down the hill<br />
<strong>skier</strong> &#8211; [Skiing] <strong>1</strong> a person who jumps to contusions <strong>2</strong> someone who pays an arm and a leg to break them<br />
<strong>skinheads</strong> &#8211; more hair than brains<br />
<strong>ski stance</strong> &#8211; [Skiing] your knees should be flexed, but shaking slightly; your arms straight and covered with a good layer of goose flesh; your hands forward, palms clammy, knuckles white and fingers icy; your eyes a little crossed and darting in all directions; your lips should be quivering; and you should be mumbling, &#8220;Why?&#8221;<br />
<strong>skydiver</strong> &#8211; a guy whose talks fall flat<br />
<strong>skydiving</strong> &#8211; good till the last drop<br />
<strong>slander</strong> &#8211; to lie about someone&#8211;or tell the truth<br />
<strong>slang</strong> - <strong>1</strong> &lt;Carl Sandburg&gt; language that spits on its hands and goes to work <strong>2</strong> the one stream of poetry which is continually flowing outward<br />
<strong>slay ride</strong> &#8211; automobile excursion with a Mafia hit man<br />
<strong>sleep</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a poor substitute for caffeine <strong>2</strong> that fleeting moment just before the alarm goes off<br />
<strong>sleeping bag</strong> &#8211; nap sack<br />
<strong>slipcover</strong> &#8211; maternity dress<br />
<strong>slogan</strong> &#8211; [Politics] <strong>1</strong> a good substitute for the facts <strong>2</strong> our modern commercial replacement for quality <strong>3</strong> a politician&#8217;s banner, often changed, but always held high above the voters brains<br />
<strong>slugfest</strong> &#8211; an escargot cook-off<br />
<strong>smart</strong> &#8211; [Pers.] ass<br />
<strong>smart ass</strong> &#8211; someone who can sit on an ice cream cone and tell you what flavor it is<br />
<strong>smile</strong> - <strong>1</strong> mirth mark <strong>2</strong> to expose a portion of one&#8217;s skeleton as a gesture of goodwill toward a fellow human <strong>3</strong> something that adds to your face value <strong>4</strong> a curve that can set a lot of things straight<br />
<strong>smoke</strong> &#8211; what comes after sex<br />
<strong>smoker</strong> &#8211; one who always makes an ash of himself<br />
<strong>smoking</strong> &#8211; the world&#8217;s leading cause of statistics<br />
<strong>snap-on gasket scraper</strong> &#8211; theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot<br />
<strong>snappy repartee</strong> &#8211; what you&#8217;d say if you had another chance<br />
<strong>sniff</strong> &#8211; [Canine] a social custom to use when you greet other dogs; place your nose as close as you can to the other dogs rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop<br />
<strong>snob</strong> &#8211; someone who gets the wrong slant on things by looking down their nose at you<br />
<strong>snowbank</strong> &#8211; where Eskimos keep their money<br />
<strong>snow job</strong> &#8211; something a man uses to defrost a woman<br />
<strong>snowsuits</strong> &#8211; [Par.] warm, padded outer garments that, when completely zipped and snapped performs two important functions: protecting children from the cold and reminding them that they have to go to the bathroom<br />
<strong>snuff</strong> &#8211; sufficient unto the day<br />
<strong>soap</strong> &#8211; [Par.] a cleaning agent mom puts on the sink on the off-chance one of her kids will accidentally grab it while reaching for the towel<br />
<strong>sober</strong> &#8211; a condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love<br />
<strong>soda pop</strong> &#8211; shake &#8216;n&#8217; spray<br />
<strong>sodomy</strong> &#8211; a special kind of fast growing grass<br />
<strong>sofa</strong> &#8211; [Canine] is to dogs like napkins are to people; after eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean<br />
<strong>software</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] <strong>1</strong> plastic forks and knives <strong>2</strong> formal evening attire for female computer analysts<br />
<strong>solo</strong> &#8211; location of the hem on a long skirt<br />
<strong>some overtime required</strong> &#8211; [Emp.] some time each night and some time each weekend<br />
<strong>some budget rooms</strong> &#8211; [Travel] sorry, already occupied<br />
<strong>somewhere</strong> &#8211; a mathematician&#8217;s clothing<br />
<strong>son</strong> &#8211; [Par.] the result of getting what you thought you wanted<br />
<strong>sonata</strong> &#8211; [Music] <strong>1</strong> didn&#8217;t see any of it <strong>2</strong> what you get from a bad cold or hay fever<br />
<strong>Sonata, Frank</strong> &#8211; [Music] singer of songs like <em>New Yolk, New Yolk</em><br />
<strong>songsmiths</strong> &#8211; Keely and Kate<br />
<strong>sonogram</strong> &#8211; [Med.] a telegram from your son<br />
<a name="soon"></a><strong>soon</strong> &#8211; when used on a web page, a reference to the day after the apocalypse<br />
<strong>sophistication</strong> &#8211; sucking nipples with a straw<br />
<strong>sorcery</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; the ancient prototype and forerunner of political influence<br />
<strong>soul man</strong> &#8211; a cobbler<br />
<strong>sourpuss</strong> &#8211; woman who douches with vinegar<br />
<strong>southpaw</strong> &#8211; a daddy from Dixie<br />
<strong>Soviet dancing spy</strong> &#8211; a ballet ruse<br />
<strong>Space Invaders</strong> &#8211; fleas inside a blonde&#8217;s ear<br />
<strong>spare time</strong> &#8211; you&#8217;re lookin&#8217; at it<br />
<strong>special</strong> &#8211; rode the short school bus<br />
<a name="specialinterest"></a><strong>special interest lobby</strong> &#8211; [Politics] politically organized conservatives; cf. <a href="http://www.opusforfour.com/definitions.html#publicinterest">public interest group</a><br />
<strong>specialist</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a learned person who can name a horse in nine languages and buys a cow to ride <strong>2</strong> [Med.] a doctor with fewer patients than his colleagues but with a bigger yacht<br />
<strong>species</strong> &#8211; what you hear at political rallies<br />
<strong>specimen</strong> &#8211; [Med.] <strong>1</strong> guys who wear glasses <strong>2</strong> an Italian astronaut<br />
<strong>speed</strong> &#8211; the ability to stick your buttocks out of a third story window, run down to the first floor, and see your own butt just disappear up above<br />
<strong>spelunk</strong> &#8211; the sound someone makes when they hit the bottom of a cave<br />
<strong>spendthrift</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a person who considers it a sin to die rich <strong>2</strong> one who considers living within one&#8217;s income a fate worse than debt <strong>3</strong> is the one that two can live as cheaply as <strong>4</strong> a one-word oxymoron <strong>5</strong> one who spends money like a lottery winner with a week to live<br />
<strong>sperm</strong> &#8211; [Med.] to reject, look away from<br />
<strong>sphincter</strong> &#8211; [Med.] what the great stone statue in Egypt did to the pharaoh&#8217;s wife<br />
<strong>spice</strong> &#8211; the plural of spouse<br />
<strong>spinster</strong> - <strong>1</strong> an unlusted number <strong>2</strong> woman who has never learned to tie a beau <strong>3</strong> a bachelor&#8217;s wife<br />
<strong>spiritual</strong> &#8211; [Pers.] involved with a cult<br />
<strong>spit</strong> &#8211; [Par.] all-purpose cleaning fluid especially good on kids&#8217; faces<br />
<strong>spoiled rotten</strong> &#8211; [Par.] what the kids become after as little as 15 minutes with grandma<br />
<strong>spoilers</strong> &#8211; [Aviation] the Federal Aviation Authority<br />
<strong>spokesperson</strong> &#8211; bicycle wheel manufacturer<br />
<strong>spongecake</strong> &#8211; dessert made of borrowed ingredients<br />
<strong>spoonerism</strong> &#8211; having wrubble with your turds<br />
<strong>sports nut</strong> &#8211; an athletic supporter<br />
<strong>spouse</strong> &#8211; someone who will stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn&#8217;t have had if you&#8217;d stayed single in the first place<br />
<strong>spread eagle</strong> &#8211; an extinct bird<br />
<strong>spreadsheets</strong> - <strong>1</strong> what you do first when you want to yield little tax deductions <strong>2</strong> making the bed<br />
<strong>spring</strong> &#8211; a time when boys feel gallant and girls feel buoyant<br />
<strong>spring break</strong> &#8211; [Academia] try a larger spring constant!<br />
<strong>spur of the moment</strong> &#8211; store for the latest in cowboy fashions<br />
<strong>square-headed girlfriend (boyfriend)</strong> &#8211; a computer<br />
<strong>square rigger</strong> &#8211; [Naut.] a rigger over 30<br />
<strong>squealer</strong> &#8211; a tattle tale pig<br />
<strong>squeegee beggar</strong> &#8211; windshield viper<br />
<strong>stable</strong> &#8211; [Pers.] boring<br />
<strong>staccato</strong> &#8211; [Music] how you did all the ceilings in your mobile home<br />
<strong>stack error</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] lost on a cluttered desk<br />
<strong>stack overflow</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] too many pancakes<br />
<strong>stagecoach</strong> &#8211; drama teacher<br />
<strong>stagnation</strong> &#8211; a country of single men<br />
<strong>stain</strong> &#8211; gerund of remain<br />
<strong>stakeholder</strong> &#8211; a dead vampire<br />
<strong>stalemate</strong> - <strong>1</strong> ex-spouse <strong>2</strong> a spouse who smells musty <strong>3</strong> a spouse who has lost their ardor<br />
<strong>stall</strong> &#8211; [Aviation] technique used when asked for your height and position<br />
<strong>standard</strong> &#8211; [Travel] substandard<br />
<strong>Standard &amp; Poor</strong> &#8211; [Econ.] your life in a nutshell<br />
<strong>standard deviation</strong> &#8211; an average amount of perversion<br />
<strong>standardize</strong> &#8211; the kind of eyes most of us have<br />
<strong>standards</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] the principles we use to reject other people&#8217;s code<br />
<strong>standing order</strong> &#8211; freeze!<br />
<a name="star"></a><strong>star</strong> &#8211; a performer who makes more than his or her agent; cf. <a href="http://www.opusforfour.com/definitions.html#superstar">superstar</a><br />
<strong>starboard</strong> &#8211; [Naut.] special board used by skippers for navigation, usually with &#8220;port&#8221; on the opposite side<br />
<strong>starboard wine</strong> &#8211; wine for right-handed sailors<br />
<strong>Start Menu</strong> &#8211; a list of appetizers<br />
<strong>stat</strong> &#8211; [Med.] info on baseball cards<br />
<strong>state-of-the-art</strong> - <strong>1</strong> soon to be obsolete <strong>2</strong> any computer you can&#8217;t afford<br />
<strong>statistician</strong> &#8211; a person good with numbers but lacking the personality to be an accountant<br />
<strong>statistics</strong> &#8211; a system for expressing political prejudices in convincing scientific guise<br />
<strong>steak out</strong> &#8211; when one cow spies on another cow<br />
<strong>steep bank</strong> &#8211; [Aviation] banks that charge pilots more than 10% interest<br />
<strong>sterilize</strong> &#8211; [Par.] what you do to your first baby&#8217;s pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby&#8217;s pacifier by blowing on it<br />
<strong>stet</strong> &#8211; info on baseball cards<br />
<strong>stick</strong> &#8211; a boomerang that doesn&#8217;t work<br />
<strong>sticker price</strong> &#8211; acupuncturist&#8217;s fee<br />
<strong>stimulant</strong> &#8211; [Med.] a wad of hundred dollar bills<br />
<strong>stirrup</strong> &#8211; what you do with cake batter<br />
<strong>stock analyst</strong> &#8211; [Econ.] the idiot who just downgraded your stock<br />
<strong>stock item</strong> &#8211; [Ad.] we shipped it once before, and we can do it again, probably<br />
<strong>stoic</strong> &#8211; de boid dat brings de babies<br />
<strong>storeroom</strong> &#8211; the distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can&#8217;t quite reach anything<br />
<strong>strain</strong> &#8211; teeth marks on a toilet bowl rim<br />
<strong>strategy</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a comprehensive plan of inaction <strong>2</strong> a long-range plan whose merit cannot be evaluated until sometime after those creating it have left the organization<br />
<strong>straw poll</strong> &#8211; [Politics] GOP fund-raising technique<br />
<strong>streaker</strong> &#8211; someone who is unsuited for his work<br />
<strong>streptococcus</strong> &#8211; [Med.] a boastful but impotent lecher<br />
<strong>stress</strong> &#8211; the confusion created when one&#8217;s mind overrides the body&#8217;s basic desire to choke the living shit out of some asshole who desperately deserves it<br />
<strong>strike</strong> &#8211; an effort to increase egg production by strangling the chicken<br />
<strong>student athlete</strong> &#8211; [Academia] an oxymoron<br />
<strong>Stuffit</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] what you say when your computer won&#8217;t work<br />
<strong>stupidity</strong> - <strong>1</strong> losing $25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay <strong>2</strong> [Par.] letting the child with stomach flu sleep on the top bunk<br />
<strong>subatomic</strong> &#8211; a nuclear U-boat<br />
<strong>subdued</strong> &#8211; like, a guy who, like, works on one of those, like, submarines, man<br />
<strong>subjugated/subaltern</strong> &#8211; [Philos.] they&#8217;re right, but everyone says they&#8217;re wrong<br />
<strong>submission</strong> &#8211; a religious organization under water<br />
<strong>subordinate clause</strong> &#8211; one of Santa&#8217;s elves<br />
<strong>subsidy</strong> &#8211; a town underneath another town<br />
<strong>suburb</strong> &#8211; a kind of healthy grave<br />
<strong>suburban husband</strong> &#8211; a gardener with sex privileges<br />
<strong>subpoena</strong> &#8211; /from the root &#8220;sub&#8221;, below, and the Latin &#8220;poena&#8221; for male organ or penis/ Therefore, &#8220;below the penis&#8221; or &#8220;by the balls.&#8221; <strong>success</strong> &#8211; a matter of luck&#8211;ask any failure<br />
<strong>succubus</strong> &#8211; to spurn Greek public transportation; Succubus, <em>let&#8217;s take a chariot</em><br />
<strong>Sudafed</strong> &#8211; brought litigation against a government official<br />
<strong>suffering</strong> &#8211; a wedding band<br />
<strong>suffragettes</strong> &#8211; the cheerleading squad of de Sade High<br />
<strong>sugar daddy</strong> &#8211; a man who can afford to raise Cain<br />
<strong>suicide</strong> - <strong>1</strong> the sincerest form of self-criticism <strong>2</strong> jumping to a conclusion<br />
<strong>suit of armor</strong> &#8211; a knightgown<br />
<strong>summer school</strong> &#8211; [Academia] a viable alternative to a summer job<br />
<strong>summertime</strong> &#8211; the season where there&#8217;s nothing much on TV or on the girls at the beach<br />
<strong>sumo wrestling</strong> &#8211; survival of the fattest<br />
<strong>sunbathing</strong> &#8211; a fry in the ointment<br />
<strong>sunny</strong> &#8211; bright boy<br />
<strong>sunbeam</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a heatproof support for the sun <strong>2</strong> a big smile from your little boy<br />
<strong>sunburn</strong> &#8211; more than you basked for<br />
<strong>Sunday best</strong> &#8211; [Par.] attractive, expensive children&#8217;s clothing made of a fabric which attracts melted chocolate and grape juice<br />
<strong>sundial</strong> &#8211; an old-timer<br />
<strong>sunset</strong> &#8211; male triplets<br />
<strong>supercomputer</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] what it sounded like before you bought it<br />
<strong>superego</strong> &#8211; [Psy.] that part of the psyche where the conscience keeps you from stealing candy from a small child. This comes from the moral training of society. Society is always getting in the way!<br />
<strong>superior accommodations</strong> &#8211; [Travel] one complimentary chocolate, free shower cap<br />
<a name="superstar"></a><strong>superstar</strong> &#8211; a performer who makes more than Guatemala; cf. <a href="http://www.opusforfour.com/definitions.html#star">star</a><br />
<strong>superuser</strong> &#8211; someone who&#8217;s very good at manipulating others<br />
<strong>Supreme Court</strong> - <strong>1</strong> body that corrects the errors of lower courts by perpetuating its own <strong>2</strong> where people go if they have anything left after getting out of lower courts<br />
<strong>surgeon</strong> &#8211; [Med.] a doctor on the cutting edge<br />
<strong>surrogate mother</strong> &#8211; hired labor<br />
<strong>sushi</strong> &#8211; known to the rest of the world as &#8220;bait&#8221;<br />
<strong>suspense</strong> &#8211; I&#8217;ll tell you later<br />
<strong>suspicion</strong> &#8211; why do you want to know?<br />
<strong>SUV</strong> &#8211; /Stupid, Useless Vehicle/<br />
<strong>Swahili</strong> &#8211; &lt;Johnny Hart&gt; the language used by the National Enquirer to print their retractions<br />
<strong>swallow</strong> &#8211; the (blew) bird of birth control<br />
<strong>sweat</strong> &#8211; &lt;Heywood Brown&gt; the cologne of accomplishment<br />
<strong>sweater</strong> - <strong>1</strong> person that freely perspires <strong>2</strong> [Par.] a magical article of clothing that can ward away colds, the flu, and even pneumonia<strong>3</strong> a garment worn by a children when their mother feels chilly<br />
<strong>sweet sixteen</strong> &#8211; just down the hall from suite 14<br />
<strong>swell</strong> &#8211; a wave that&#8217;s just great<br />
<strong>swimming pool</strong> &#8211; a mob of people with water in it<br />
<strong>sympathy</strong> &#8211; what one woman offers another in exchange for the details<br />
<strong>symphony</strong> &#8211; [Music] pretending to feel sad for someone<br />
<strong>syncopation</strong> &#8211; [Music] bowel condition brought on by an overdose of jazz<br />
<strong>synonym</strong> &#8211; a word you use when you can&#8217;t spell the other one<br />
<strong>syntax</strong> &#8211; money collected at church<br />
<a name="syntaxerror"></a><strong>syntax error</strong> &#8211; something foolish said in a computer store; <em>Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object</em><br />
<strong>synthesis</strong> &#8211; [Philos.] you are so wrong that you are right<br />
<strong>Sysop</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] <strong>1</strong> one who reconfigures <strong>2</strong> the person laughing at your typing<br />
<strong>system administrator</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] the person responsible for ensuring that a company&#8217;s computer facilities are unusable except for when they want to print out naked pictures or play exciting network games like &#8220;Doom&#8221;<br />
<strong>systemic</strong> &#8211; [Philos.] your wrongness goes deep<br />
<strong>system-independent</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] works equally poorly on all systems<br />
<strong>system update</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] a quick method of trashing all of your software<br />
<strong>TA</strong> &#8211; [Academia] a small-minded, evil person who randomly decides your fate in college, usually a student with a degree in sadism and too much time on their hands<br />
<strong>table</strong> &#8211; a place for storing gum<br />
<strong>table leg</strong> &#8211; a percussion instrument<br />
<strong>tablet</strong> &#8211; a small table<br />
<strong>taboo</strong> &#8211; any strict cultural prohibition that, when breached, causes everyone in the group to gasp; e.g., cannibalism, public nudity, serving fried pork rinds at a Hasidic wedding, or answering the question, &#8220;How are you?&#8221; in the negative<br />
<strong>tackle</strong> &#8211; what your last catch did to you as you reeled him in, but just before he wrestled free and jumped back overboard<br />
<strong>tackle box</strong> &#8211; a box shaped alarmingly like your comprehensive first aid kit; a tackle box contains many sharp objects, so that when you reach in the wrong box blindly to get a band aid, you soon find that you need more than one<br />
<strong>tacky</strong> &#8211; serving Kool-Aid at religious functions<br />
<strong>tact</strong> - <strong>1</strong> getting your point across without stabbing someone with it <strong>2</strong> recalling a lady&#8217;s birthday but forgetting her age <strong>3</strong>knowing how far to go too far <strong>4</strong> rubbing out another&#8217;s mistake instead of rubbing it in <strong>5</strong> describing others as they see themselves <strong>6</strong> &lt;Howard W. Newton&gt; making a point without making an enemy <strong>7</strong> the ability to remain silent while your two best friends are arguing and you know they&#8217;re both wrong <strong>8</strong> the unsaid part of what you&#8217;re thinking<br />
<strong>tactics</strong> - <strong>1</strong> what a clock sounds like when it needs fixing <strong>2</strong> breath fresheners for dyslexics<br />
<strong>tagline</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] <strong>1</strong> the restroom walls of Usenet <strong>2</strong> a bumper sticker on the information super highway<br />
<strong>tail end</strong> &#8211; conclusion of a story<br />
<strong>tailor</strong> &#8211; an occupation that suits everyone<br />
<strong>tailwind</strong> &#8211; [Aviation] results from eating beans, often causing oxygen deficiency in the immediate vicinity<br />
<strong>take-home pay</strong> &#8211; [Econ.] an amount of money so named because it is never big enough to go anywhere else with it<br />
<strong>take-home test</strong> &#8211; [Academia] group study<br />
<strong>takes</strong> &#8211; [Media] a stroke count of how many times it takes the television director to get something right<br />
<strong>talent</strong> &#8211; what everyone has but you<br />
<strong>tall, thin</strong> &#8211; [Pers.] he doesn&#8217;t have much<br />
<strong>tan</strong> &#8211; [Pers.] wrinkled, bald, and fat<br />
<strong>tangent</strong> &#8211; a man who has been in the sun<br />
<strong>tape player</strong> &#8211; what they do to an athlete after he sprains his ankle<br />
<strong>tar</strong> &#8211; [Southern U.S.] a rubber wheel<br />
<strong>tattoo</strong> &#8211; permanent proof of temporary insanity<br />
<strong>taut</strong> &#8211; educated<br />
<a name="tax"></a><strong>tax</strong> &#8211; [Econ.] a fine for doing fine; cf. <a href="http://www.opusforfour.com/definitions.html#fine">fine</a><br />
<strong>taxation</strong> &#8211; [Econ.] <strong>1</strong> an art which consists of plucking the goose to obtain the largest amount of feathers with the least amount of hiss <strong>2</strong> the government&#8217;s form of spring cleaning <strong>3</strong> a duty which, without representation, may have bothered the colonials but was a lot cheaper <strong>4</strong> a levy which isn&#8217;t so good with representation either<br />
<strong>taxes</strong> &#8211; [Econ.] <strong>1</strong> of life&#8217;s two certainties, the only one one can get an extension for <strong>2</strong> a duty which applies to people who are not smart enough to start their own country <strong>3</strong> a funding method which allows individuals to test their powers of deduction<br />
<strong>taxidermist</strong> &#8211; a man who mounts animals<br />
<strong>tax increase</strong> &#8211; [Econ.] an amount of money which is called &#8220;slight&#8221; when it costs you two hundred dollars a year, while a &#8220;substantial tax cut&#8221; could save you up to 30 cents<br />
<strong>tax office</strong> &#8211; [Econ.] den of inequity<br />
<strong>taxpayer</strong> &#8211; [Econ.] <strong>1</strong> one who regrets that death and taxes don&#8217;t come in that order <strong>2</strong> &lt;Ronald Reagan&gt; one who doesn&#8217;t have to pass a civil service exam in order to work for the government<br />
<strong>tax refund</strong> &#8211; [Econ.] a formula devised by politicians to give you back some of your own money in such a way that you are supposed to think it&#8217;s a gift<br />
<strong>tax return</strong> &#8211; [Econ.] an annual fiction contest with no prize<br />
<strong>teacher</strong> &#8211; someone who tells you education pays, unless you become an educator<br />
<strong>teacher conference</strong> &#8211; [Par.] a meeting between Mom and that person who has yet to understand her child&#8217;s &#8220;special needs&#8221;<br />
<strong>team leadership skills</strong> &#8211; [Emp.] you&#8217;ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect<br />
<strong>Teamsters</strong> &#8211; [Politics] an attempt by Republicans to get into illegitimate businesses<br />
<strong>teamwork</strong> &#8211; a device used to get someone else to blame<br />
<strong>tears</strong> &#8211; the hydraulic force by which one partner&#8217;s will power is defeated by the other&#8217;s water power<br />
<strong>tease</strong> &#8211; a girl who is always thinking of a man&#8217;s happiness&#8211;and how to prevent it<br />
<strong>technical support</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] a geographic area of the software company. It is located in the basement and is populated by trolls who are masters of Doom. The favorite game in technical support is &#8220;penalty hold.&#8221;<br />
<strong>teenager</strong> &#8211; [Par.] God&#8217;s punishment for enjoying sex<br />
<strong>teenagers</strong> &#8211; people doing things you wish we had thought of when we were younger<br />
<strong>telemarketer</strong> &#8211; a minimum-waged person who calls a bunch of people on a list to sell them something that they probably don&#8217;t need, and gets hung up on because the person being called usually has a mouth full of food<br />
<strong>teleological</strong> &#8211; [Philos.] you&#8217;ve got everything backwards<br />
<strong>telepathy</strong> &#8211; minding someone else&#8217;s business<br />
<strong>televangelists</strong> &#8211; the pro wrestlers of religion<br />
<strong>television</strong> &#8211; &lt;attrib. to Frank Lloyd Wright and John Mason Brown&gt; chewing gum for the eyes<br />
<strong>television audio</strong> &#8211; [Media] never mind; nobody cares about this<br />
<strong>television director</strong> &#8211; [Media] somebody who can count backwards with authority and who owns a stopwatch<br />
<strong>television engineer</strong> &#8211; [Media] not much is really known about these, since there are so few in captivity; they work from 9 to 5, Monday through Friday, and are not home on weekends; they also become invisible when called<br />
<strong>television producer</strong> &#8211; [Media] someone who owns a digital stopwatch<br />
<strong>television programming</strong> &#8211; [Media] material that fills the time between commercials<br />
<strong>television schedule</strong> &#8211; [Media] a system designed to maximize your enjoyment of big time television by having you spend most of your waking hours there<br />
<strong>temper tantrums</strong> &#8211; [Par.] what you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children<br />
<strong>tempo</strong> &#8211; [Music] allegedly, a former product of the Ford Motor Co., though none has ever been seen in running condition<br />
<strong>Ten Commandments</strong> &#8211; the most important top ten list not given by David Letterman<br />
<strong>ten letters</strong><br />
<strong>tennis</strong> &#8211; &lt;Billie Jean King&gt; a perfect combination of violent action taking place in an atmosphere of total tranquility<br />
<strong>tenure</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a year after nineure <strong>2</strong> [Academia] the only force stronger than stupidity<br />
<strong>terminal</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] a place where you can find buses, trains and really good deals on hot computers<br />
<strong>terminal glare</strong> &#8211; a look that kills<br />
<strong>terminal illness</strong> &#8211; getting sick at the airport<br />
<strong>terrible two&#8217;s</strong> &#8211; [Par.] having both kids at home all summer<br />
<strong>terrorism</strong> &#8211; [Politics] strategic action by losers to spoil winner&#8217;s victory party<br />
<strong>terrorist</strong> &#8211; it&#8217;s frightening and stuck on the end of your arm<br />
<strong>test</strong> - <strong>a</strong> the amount of strength a fishing line affords an angler when fighting fish in a specific weight range <strong>b</strong> a measure of your creativity in blaming &#8220;that darn line&#8221; for once again losing the fish<br />
<strong>testes</strong> &#8211; [Med.] small quizzes<br />
<strong>testicle</strong> &#8211; [Med.] <strong>1</strong> humorous exam question <strong>2</strong> an experimental tickle<br />
<strong>test tube baby</strong> &#8211; [Med.] in a glass by itself<br />
<strong>Teutonic</strong> &#8211; not enough gin<br />
<strong>Texan</strong> &#8211; a Mexican that couldn&#8217;t swim all the way to Oklahoma<br />
<strong>text</strong> &#8211; when someone becomes a Texan<br />
<strong>that way</strong> &#8211; [Par.] how kids shouldn&#8217;t look at Mom if they know what&#8217;s good for them; also applies to how they talk<br />
<strong>theft</strong> &#8211; what you seize is what you get<br />
<strong>the good old days</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a block of time which ended a week before you were hired <strong>2</strong> [Academia] before vector calculus<br />
<strong>theory</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a hunch with a college education <strong>2</strong> a system of ideas meant to explain something, chosen with a view to originality, controversialism, incomprehensibility, and how good it will look in print<br />
<strong>thesaurus</strong> &#8211; an extinct reptile with a phenomenal vocabulary<br />
<strong>thief</strong> &#8211; a person who finds things before the owner loses them<br />
<strong>third trimester</strong> &#8211; [Par.] the final months of pregnancy when you wonder, &#8220;How much longer can I keep from waddling?&#8221;<br />
<strong>thirsty</strong> &#8211; [Par.] how your child feels after you have said your final good night<br />
<strong>Thomism</strong> &#8211; [Philos.] it would appear that you are right<br />
<strong>thongs</strong> &#8211; what Thinatra thang<br />
<strong>Thor</strong> &#8211; [Skiing] the Scandinavian god of acheth and painth<br />
<strong>thorny</strong> &#8211; a thailor at thea<br />
<strong>thunder</strong> &#8211; [Canine] a signal that the world is coming to an end; humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels<br />
<strong>thunderclap</strong> &#8211; extremely violent form of VD<br />
<strong>thunderstorm</strong> &#8211; a chance to see how many family members can fit into one bed<br />
<strong>three stages of sex</strong> &#8211; tri weekly, try weekly and try weakly<br />
<strong>tibia</strong> &#8211; [Med.] country in North Africa<br />
<strong>ticket agent</strong> &#8211; [Aviation] a superhuman with the patience of a saint, the herding ability of an Australian sheepdog, the E.S.P. abilities of Uri Geller, the compassion of a psychoanalysts, and the tact of a diplomat. They have mysterious abilities to control wind/rain/snow/fog and all other weather phenomenon. They are capable of answering three questions at one time, while talking on the phone, and without stuttering or choking on their tongue. Later in life they sit in parks carrying on mysterious conversations with themselves.<br />
<strong>time</strong> - <strong>1</strong> an illusion perpetrated by the makers of space <strong>2</strong> a way of preventing everything from happening simultaneously<strong>3</strong> &lt;Ernest Hemingway&gt; the least thing we have of<br />
<strong>timekeeper</strong> &#8211; guy that didn&#8217;t return your watch<br />
<strong>timesharing</strong> &#8211; an access method whereby one computer abuses many people<br />
<strong>timing light</strong> &#8211; a stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft pulleys<br />
<strong>tire</strong> &#8211; [Southern U.S.] a tall monument; <em>Lord willin&#8217; and the creek don&#8217;t rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel</em> tire <em>in Paris sometime</em><br />
<strong>tireless</strong> &#8211; have a car but have no tires<br />
<strong>titillate</strong> &#8211; a tardy meal for a breast-fed baby<br />
<strong>toad</strong> &#8211; what happens to an illegally parked frog<br />
<strong>today</strong> &#8211; yesterday&#8217;s effect and tomorrow&#8217;s cause<br />
<strong>toe</strong> &#8211; a part of the foot used to find furniture in the dark<br />
<strong>tolerance</strong> &#8211; [Med.] what you get if you give growth hormone to ants<br />
<strong>tomato paste</strong> &#8211; used to fix broken tomatoes<br />
<strong>tomorrow</strong> - <strong>1</strong> one of the greatest labor saving devices of today <strong>2</strong> yesterday soon enough<br />
<strong>tongue</strong> &#8211; [Culin., Med.] variety of meat, rarely served because it clearly crosses the line between a cut of beef and a piece of dead cow.<br />
<strong>tongue twister</strong> &#8211; when you get your tang toungueled<br />
<strong>toothache</strong> &#8211; the pain that drives you to extraction<br />
<strong>toothpicks</strong> &#8211; choices many dentists give patients to select their artificial teeth<br />
<strong>top bunk</strong> &#8211; [Par.] where you should never put a child with the flu or one wearing Superman jammies<br />
<strong>topologist</strong> &#8211; a man who doesn&#8217;t know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut<br />
<strong>Toronto</strong> &#8211; Lone Ranger&#8217;s faithful Canadian companion<br />
<strong>torrid zone</strong> &#8211; from around the neck down on a female&#8217;s body<br />
<strong>Touch-Me-Not</strong> &#8211; a person with a severe sunburn<br />
<strong>toupee</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a top secret <strong>2</strong> what they expect you to do at the store when you buy something<br />
<strong>tourist</strong> &#8211; a pretty girl in Pittsburgh<br />
<strong>tourist season</strong> &#8211; when it&#8217;s OK to shoot them<br />
<strong>towels</strong> &#8211; see &#8220;floor coverings&#8221;<br />
<strong>trackball</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] a computer mouse that went belly up<br />
<strong>trade relations</strong> &#8211; what incestuous couples do at a family reunion<br />
<strong>traffic</strong> &#8211; [Media] a department within the TV station with the collective IQ of granite whose function it is to generate the program log<br />
<strong>traffic light</strong> &#8211; apparatus that automatically turns red when your car approaches<br />
<strong>tragedy</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a bride without a can opener <strong>2</strong> a busload of lawyers going over a cliff with a vacant seat<br />
<strong>trailer parks</strong> &#8211; latter-day gypsy camps scattered throughout the vast American hinterland; humble places of abode where hope dies young and tornadoes gravitate like flies to road kill<br />
<strong>tramp</strong> &#8211; a woman with two kids and no stretch marks<br />
<strong>trampoline</strong> &#8211; a legal claim made on the property of a homeless person<br />
<strong>transcendental</strong> &#8211; [Philos.] if anyone&#8217;s right, I must be<br />
<strong>transfer</strong> &#8211; a promotion received on the condition that one leave town<br />
<strong>transistor</strong> &#8211; a girl who used to be your brother<br />
<strong>transmitter</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a baseball player who changes their brand of glove <strong>2</strong> [Media] a big machine resembling an oversized refrigerator with meters. Standing close to a transmitter for more than one hour will cause your brain to malfunction. Standing close to a transmitter for more than two hours will turn you into a television engineer.<br />
<strong>transpositions</strong> &#8211; men who wear dresses<br />
<strong>transsexual</strong> &#8211; one who carried his junior year abroad a little too far<br />
<strong>transvestite</strong> - <strong>1</strong> he who likes to eat, drink and be Mary <strong>2</strong> a sham ma&#8217;am<br />
<strong>traveler&#8217;s aid</strong> &#8211; soft drink for tourists<br />
<strong>traverse</strong> &#8211; [Skiing] to ski across a slope at an angle; one of two quick and simple methods of reducing speed. The second method is called &#8220;tree&#8221;<br />
<strong>trapezoid</strong> &#8211; device for catching zoids<br />
<strong>travel</strong> &#8211; &lt;Aldous Huxley&gt; to discover that everyone is wrong about other countries<br />
<strong>traveler</strong> &#8211; someone who goes a thousand miles to get a picture of himself by his car<br />
<strong>treason</strong> &#8211; what the acorn is to the oak<br />
<strong>treble</strong> &#8211; [Music] women ain&#8217;t nothin&#8217; but<br />
<strong>tree</strong> &#8211; a plant used to stop cars<br />
<strong>trial date</strong> &#8211; someone you&#8217;ll probably ask out only once<br />
<strong>tricycle</strong> &#8211; tot rod<br />
<strong>triple bypass</strong> &#8211; [Med.] better than a quarterback sneak<br />
<strong>Tripoli</strong> &#8211; garment size; <em>I went to buy a bra but I couldn&#8217;t find a </em>Tripoli<br />
<strong>Trojan</strong> &#8211; a storage device for replicating codes<br />
<strong>trombone</strong> &#8211; [Music] <strong>1</strong> a slide whistle with delusions of grandeur <strong>2</strong> attached to the thigh bone<br />
<strong>tropical</strong> &#8211; [Travel] rainy<br />
<strong>trouble</strong> &#8211; [Par.] area of nonspecific space a child can always be sure to be in<br />
<strong>trouble light</strong> &#8211; the mechanic&#8217;s own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, &#8220;the sunshine vitamin,&#8221; which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.<br />
<strong>truncate</strong> &#8211; the process of shortening a line to a specif<br />
<strong>trust</strong> - <strong>1</strong> two cannibals having oral sex <strong>2</strong> the precursor to betrayal<br />
<strong>trust me</strong> &#8211; translation of the Latin &#8220;caveat emptor&#8221;<br />
<strong>tsetse fly</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; an African insect (<em>Glossina morsitans</em>) whose bite is commonly regarded as nature&#8217;s most efficacious remedy for insomnia, though some patients prefer that of the American novelist (<em>Mendax interminabilis</em>)<br />
<strong>TSR</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] <em>Archaic</em> someone who says mean things about you<br />
<strong>tuba</strong> &#8211; [Music] a compound word: &#8220;Hey, woman! Fetch me another tuba Brylcreem!&#8221;<br />
<strong>tumor</strong> &#8211; [Med.] an extra pair<br />
<strong>tuner</strong> &#8211; [Music] a small fish, often served in cans and made into salad<br />
<strong>turn and bank indicator</strong> &#8211; [Aviation] an instrument highly ignored by pilots<br />
<strong>tweezers</strong> &#8211; a tool for removing wood splinters<br />
<strong>24-hour bar</strong> &#8211; [Travel] ice cubes at additional cost (when available)<br />
<strong>twice</strong> &#8211; &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; once too often<br />
<strong>twilight</strong> &#8211; all the difference between day and night<br />
<strong>twin birth</strong> &#8211; [Med.] infant replay<br />
<strong>two-minute warning</strong> &#8211; when the baby&#8217;s face turns red and he begins to make those familiar grunting noises<br />
<strong>two-ton hydraulic engine hoist</strong> &#8211; a handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and hydraulic clutch lines you may have forgotten to disconnect<br />
<strong>two words</strong><br />
<strong>ultrasound</strong> &#8211; any loud noise, esp. the noise a crying baby makes<br />
<strong>umbilical cord</strong> &#8211; [Med.] <strong>1</strong> baby bungee <strong>2</strong> a part of a parachute<br />
<strong>umbrella</strong> &#8211; a movable roof<br />
<strong>umpteen</strong> &#8211; [Par.] a highly conservative estimate of the number of times Mom must instruct her offspring to do something before it actually gets done<br />
<strong>unabated</strong> &#8211; a fishhook without a worm<br />
<strong>unaware</strong> &#8211; a lady&#8217;s unmentionables<br />
<strong>uncle</strong> &#8211; a relative who only seems to like you when he needs something done for him<br />
<strong>undercover agent</strong> &#8211; a spy in bed<br />
<strong>undermine</strong> &#8211; relative position; <em>There&#8217;s an attractive lady in the apartment</em> undermine<br />
<strong>understand</strong> &#8211; to reach a point, in one&#8217;s investigation of some subject, at which one ceases to examine what is really present, and operates on the basis of one&#8217;s own internal model instead<br />
<strong>undertaker</strong> &#8211; the last person who will let you down<br />
<strong>underwear</strong> &#8211; an article of clothing which, when kept clean, ensures the wearer will never have an accident<br />
<strong>unemployment</strong> &#8211; the usual alternative to overwork<br />
<strong>unemployment office</strong> &#8211; [Academia] humanities career placement<br />
<strong>unfair competition</strong> &#8211; selling more cheaply than we do<br />
<strong>unicellular</strong> &#8211; a small jail<br />
<strong>unicorn</strong> &#8211; a one-of-a-kind maize<br />
<strong>union</strong> &#8211; a dues-paying club workers wield to strike management<br />
<a name="university"></a><strong>university</strong> - <strong>1</strong> encompasses one half of diversity <strong>2</strong> [Academia] &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; a modern school where football is taught; cf. <a href="http://www.opusforfour.com/definitions.html#institute">institute</a> <strong>3</strong> like a software house, except the software&#8217;s free, and it&#8217;s usable, and it works, and if it breaks they&#8217;ll quickly tell you how to fix it, and&#8230;<br />
<strong>university faculty</strong> &#8211; 500 egotists with a common parking problem<br />
<strong>Unix</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] computer operating system, once thought to be flabby and impotent, that now shows a surprising interest in making off with the workstation harem<br />
<strong>unmatched</strong> &#8211; [Ad.] it&#8217;s almost as good as the competition<br />
<strong>unopposed candidate</strong> &#8211; [Politics] an officeholder who has mastered the art of campaign reform<br />
<strong>unprecedented performance</strong> &#8211; [Ad.] nothing ever ran this slow before<br />
<strong>unstable equilibrium</strong> &#8211; [Academia] no more coffee<br />
<strong>untold wealth</strong> &#8211; what you left out on April 15th<br />
<strong>unwed mother</strong> &#8211; one who helps perpetuate the genes of an unwed father, without the latter&#8217;s talent for becoming invisible at will<br />
<strong>up</strong> &#8211; [Aviation] a chant used by pilots taking off from Hong Kong, who want to discover the meaning of life<br />
<strong>upgrade</strong> &#8211; result of studying hard<br />
<strong>upgraded</strong> &#8211; [Ad.] didn&#8217;t work the first time<br />
<strong>upgraded and improved</strong> &#8211; [Ad.] didn&#8217;t work the second time<br />
<strong>upper crust</strong> &#8211; a number of persons stuck together by their dough<br />
<strong>urate</strong> &#8211; you&#8217;re special!<br />
<strong>urinal</strong> &#8211; a place where all men are peers<br />
<strong>urinalysis</strong> &#8211; [Med.] the study of pissed off people<br />
<strong>urinate</strong> &#8211; [Med.] what the nurse tells a patient inquiring his room number<br />
<strong>urination</strong> &#8211; [Med.] what Israel was told in 1948<br />
<strong>urine</strong> - <strong>1</strong> you have arrived <strong>2</strong> opposite of &#8220;you&#8217;re out&#8221; <strong>3</strong> opposite of mine<br />
<strong>used car</strong> &#8211; not what it&#8217;s jacked up to be<br />
<strong>useful load</strong> &#8211; [Aviation] volumetric capacity of the aircraft, disregarding weight of cargo<br />
<strong>user</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] &lt;Dave Barry&gt; <strong>1</strong> collective term for those who stare vacantly at a monitor. Users are divided into three types: novice, intermediate and expert. Novice users: people who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer. Intermediate users: people who don&#8217;t know how to fix their computer after they&#8217;ve just pressed a key that broke it. Expert users: people who break other people&#8217;s computers <strong>2</strong> &lt;Dave Barry&gt; the word computer professionals use when they mean &#8220;idiot&#8221; <strong>3</strong> a programmer who will believe anything you tell them<br />
<strong>user-friendly </strong>- of or pertaining to any feature, device or concept that makes perfect sense to a programmer<br />
<strong>usher</strong> &#8211; the only people in the parishes who don&#8217;t know the seating capacity of a pew<br />
<strong>uterus</strong> &#8211; [Med.] the tiny organ that stretches during pregnancy to the size of the Superdome<br />
<strong>vacation</strong> - <strong>1</strong> where you take the family to get away from it all, only to find it there, too <strong>2</strong> a place to go without having to <strong>3</strong>a two-week binge of rest and relaxation so intense that it takes another 50 weeks of your restrained workaday life-style to recuperate<br />
<strong>vagina</strong> &#8211; [Med.] <strong>1</strong> heart trouble <strong>2</strong> the box a penis comes in<br />
<strong>Valentine&#8217;s day</strong> &#8211; [female-specific] a day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.<br />
<strong>valor</strong> &#8211; the bitter part of discretion<br />
<strong>valorous</strong> &#8211; vater animal vit big tusks<br />
<a name="valueinvesting"></a><strong>value investing</strong> [Econ.] the art of buying low and selling lower; cf. <a href="http://www.opusforfour.com/definitions.html#momentuminvesting">momentum investing</a><br />
<strong>vampire bat</strong> &#8211; used by Dracula to hit a baseball<br />
<strong>vanguard</strong> &#8211; a person who protects trucks<br />
<strong>varicose</strong> &#8211; [Med.] nearby<br />
<strong>Vaseline</strong> &#8211; a meat tenderizer<br />
<strong>VD</strong> &#8211; the gift that keeps on giving<br />
<strong>vegetable</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a basic food known to satisfy kid&#8217;s hunger&#8211;but only by sight <strong>2</strong> someone who never gets to the meat of the story<br />
<strong>vein</strong> &#8211; [Med.] conceited<br />
<strong>velocipede</strong> &#8211; a very fast, multi-legged creature<br />
<strong>velociraptor</strong> &#8211; a hip-hop artist who delivers rhymes quickly<br />
<strong>vending machine</strong> &#8211; [Academia] a coin-operated device for dispensing breakfast, lunch and dinner<br />
<strong>Venetian blind</strong> &#8211; a sightless person from Italy<br />
<strong>venture capitalist</strong> &#8211; a person bored with the idea of taking a million dollars to Las Vegas and putting it all on &#8220;red.&#8221; The venture capitalist instead takes the million and puts it into a startup company where the odds are much tougher.<br />
<strong>verbal</strong> &#8211; able to whine in words<br />
<strong>vertigo</strong> &#8211; [Med.] <strong>1</strong> what a tour book tells you <strong>2</strong> how foreigners ask for directions<br />
<strong>viaduct</strong> &#8211; why not a chicken?<br />
<strong>Viagra</strong> - <strong>1</strong> the quicker pecker upper <strong>2</strong> strong enough for a man, but made for a woman<br />
<strong>Viagra light</strong> &#8211; for people who only want to masturbate<br />
<strong>vibration</strong> &#8211; a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go<br />
<strong>vice squad</strong> &#8211; [Academia] a group of uniformed officers who seem to be under the impression that they were invited to your dorm party<br />
<strong>vice versa</strong> &#8211; erotic Italian poetry<br />
<strong>vicious circle</strong> &#8211; a wedding ring<br />
<strong>victor</strong> &#8211; [Academia] your football team&#8217;s weekly opponent<br />
<strong>victory</strong> &#8211; a rarity; a three syllable word that cheerleaders can spell<br />
<strong>video</strong> &#8211; [Media] pictures. Without these, big time television would be big time radio<br />
<strong>video scope</strong> &#8211; [Media] a green phosphorescent device used to lure and trap television engineers<br />
<strong>video switcher</strong> &#8211; [Media] this is a piece of equipment on which all of the video sources are laid out in random order. Remember, if in doubt, take black<br />
<strong>videotape</strong> &#8211; [Media] black stuff that works like film, but you can&#8217;t see through it. Invented in the 1950s to give television engineers something to do<br />
<strong>view</strong> &#8211; [Southern U.S.] contraction of &#8220;have you&#8221;; <em>Ah never seed New York&#8211;</em>view<em>?</em><br />
<strong>vilification</strong> &#8211; the inexorable spread of Greenwich Village<br />
<strong>violin</strong> &#8211; [Music] a bad hotel<br />
<strong>violinist</strong> &#8211; [Music] a high strung musician<br />
<strong>virgin</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a young innocent who in former times was sacrificed to the gods but who now merely lives in disgrace <strong>2</strong> a girl who hasn&#8217;t met her maker <strong>3</strong> a girl who makes an issue out of a tissue <strong>4</strong> a West Virginia girl who can outrun her brothers<strong>5</strong> a girl who won&#8217;t take in what a guy takes out <strong>6</strong> a girl who whispers sweet nothing-doings <strong>7</strong> an ugly third-grader<br />
<strong>virginal</strong> &#8211; inconceivable<br />
<strong>virtue</strong> - <strong>1</strong> its own punishment <strong>2</strong> the failure to achieve vice<br />
<strong>virtuoso</strong> &#8211; [Music] a musician with real high morals<br />
<strong>virus</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] a terminal illness<br />
<strong>vise grips</strong> &#8211; used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand<br />
<strong>visionary</strong> &#8211; an IBM employee who reads the outside literature<br />
<strong>vitamin</strong> &#8211; [Med.] what you do when someone comes to the house<br />
<strong>vitamins</strong> &#8211; [Par.] tiny facsimiles of cave people Mom forces you to swallow each morning as part of her sinister plot to have you grow up to be &#8220;just like Daddy&#8221;<br />
<strong>VMS</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] the world&#8217;s foremost multi-user adventure game<br />
<strong>volcano</strong> - <strong>1</strong> mountain with hiccups <strong>2</strong> a mountain that blew its stack and got its rocks off<br />
<strong>voluntary aerobics</strong> &#8211; wearing bunny slippers near hunting dogs<br />
<strong>voluntary oversale</strong> &#8211; [Aviation] a passenger who arrives at the gate as the jetway is coming off the flight<br />
<strong>VOR</strong> &#8211; [Aviation] radio navigation aid, named after the VORtex effect of pilots trying to home in on it<br />
<strong>vote</strong> - <strong>1</strong> to choose the lesser of evils <strong>2</strong> &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; the instrument and symbol of a freeman&#8217;s power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country<br />
<strong>voting</strong> &#8211; the right of our citizens to do as they please behind a curtain, as long as they do it alone<br />
<strong>waffle iron</strong> &#8211; special additive used to put more iron in waffles<br />
<strong>wake</strong> - <strong>a</strong> a convivial soiree with a preserved corpse in the room <strong>b</strong> what the mourners would be visibly startled to see the corpse do, especially those expecting a sizable inheritance<br />
<strong>Wallendas</strong> &#8211; [Academia] name of the circus you can run away and join when your parents find out how much you put on their charge card; also, Windellas<br />
<strong>walls</strong> &#8211; [Par.] complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with every room<br />
<strong>want</strong> &#8211; an ant in need<br />
<strong>wants soul mate</strong> &#8211; [Pers.] one step away from stalking<br />
<strong>war</strong> &#8211; &lt;Elbert Hubbard&gt; the sure result of the existence of armed men<br />
<strong>warden</strong> - <strong>1</strong> what you call the part of the house where small boys play <strong>2</strong> &lt;George Bernard Shaw&gt; the most anxious man in a prison<br />
<strong>warranty</strong> &#8211; if you break it, both halves are yours<br />
<strong>warship</strong> &#8211; adoration of the Navy<br />
<strong>warthog</strong> &#8211; result of crossing a pig with a frog<br />
<strong>washing machine</strong> &#8211; [Par., female-specific] household appliance used to clean blue jeans, permanent ink markers, loose change, homework, tissues and wads of gum<br />
<strong>Washington, D.C.</strong> &#8211; a work-free drug place<br />
<strong>WASP</strong> &#8211; one who gets out of the shower to urinate<br />
<strong>wastebasket</strong> &#8211; [Canine] a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrappers; when you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home<br />
<strong>water</strong> &#8211; popular beverage in underdeveloped countries<br />
<strong>water color</strong> &#8211; splashes of reflection<br />
<strong>waterfall</strong> &#8211; watered-down place in a stream<br />
<strong>waterproof mascara</strong> &#8211; [female-specific] a product that comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it<br />
<strong>weakened</strong> &#8211; Saturday and Sunday<br />
<strong>weak-kneed</strong> &#8211; seven days required<br />
<strong>weak-willed</strong> &#8211; lack of estate planning<br />
<strong>weather forecaster</strong> &#8211; see professional liar (non-legal)<br />
<strong>weaker sex</strong> &#8211; the kind you have after the kids have worn you out<br />
<strong>wedding</strong> - <strong>1</strong> &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; a ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one, one undertakes to become nothing, and nothing undertakes to become supportable <strong>2</strong> &lt; Helen Rowland&gt; the point at which a man stops toasting a woman and begins roasting her<br />
<strong>wedding ring</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a one-man band <strong>2</strong> the world&#8217;s smallest handcuffs<br />
<strong>weekend</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a book or movie with a disappointing finish <strong>2</strong> [Academia] two-day period during which your growling stomach makes you really wish you&#8217;d signed up for a seven day meal plan<br />
<strong>weightless</strong> &#8211; shorter delays<br />
<strong>welfare</strong> &#8211; software that is paid for, but not by the user<br />
<strong>well-adjusted</strong> &#8211; the ability to play bridge or golf as if they were games<br />
<strong>well-built</strong> &#8211; [Pers.] he couldn&#8217;t beat up Papa Smurf<br />
<strong>well done</strong> &#8211; no more water, gas, or oil in the ground<br />
<strong>Weltanschauung</strong> &#8211; [Philos.] how you see the world when your brain has been made into mush by German philosophy<br />
<strong>wench</strong> &#8211; what you use to turn the head of a dolt<br />
<strong>wet dream</strong> - <strong>1</strong> an overnight sensation <strong>2</strong> a snoregasm<br />
<strong>wheel of entrails</strong> &#8211; a game show where one might hear, &#8220;Pat, I&#8217;d like to buy a bowel&#8221;<br />
<strong>when your father gets home</strong> &#8211; [Par.] standard measurement of time between crime and punishment<br />
<strong>whether</strong> &#8211; unpredictable weather<br />
<strong>whim</strong> &#8211; singular for woman<br />
<strong>whiplash</strong> &#8211; what you get when you find out what your lawyer&#8217;s share is of your accident settlement<br />
<strong>whippet</strong> &#8211; sadist&#8217;s dog<br />
<strong>white count</strong> &#8211; [Med.] the number of Caucasians<br />
<strong>white males</strong> &#8211; [Politics] the most oppressed social group in America<br />
<strong>white supremacists</strong> &#8211; the most convincing argument against the theory of white racial superiority<br />
<strong>Whitworth sockets</strong> &#8211; once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for hiding six-month old Salems from the sort of person who would throw them away for no good reason<br />
<strong>whiz kid</strong> &#8211; [Academia] your school nickname but not for the reason most people think<br />
<strong>whodunit</strong> &#8211; [Par.] none of the kids that live in your house<br />
<strong>whoops</strong> &#8211; [Par.] an exclamation that translates roughly into &#8220;get a sponge&#8221;<br />
<strong>wicker box</strong> &#8211; what Elmer Fudd wants to do to Snow White<br />
<strong>wide variety of experience</strong> &#8211; [Emp.] you&#8217;ll need it to replace three people who just left<br />
<strong>widower</strong> &#8211; [Pers.] nagged first wife to death<br />
<strong>wiener</strong> &#8211; the first to cross the line in a Chihuahua race<br />
<strong>wife</strong> - <strong>1</strong> lady with a whim of iron <strong>2</strong> the one person with whom, in an argument, if you win, you lose <strong>3</strong> spouse that always feels she doesn&#8217;t dance enough <strong>4</strong> the woman who stands by her husband through all the trouble he wouldn&#8217;t have had if he had stayed single <strong>5</strong> &lt;H. L. Mencken&gt; a former sweetheart<br />
<strong>wife-swapping</strong> &#8211; a type of sexual fourplay<br />
<strong>wildlife</strong> &#8211; living it up<br />
<strong>will</strong> &#8211; [Law] <strong>1</strong> a dead giveaway <strong>2</strong> a relative thing<br />
<strong>willpower</strong> &#8211; the act of filling one&#8217;s mouth with water, sitting on the stove, turning it on, and waiting until the water starts boiling<br />
<strong>willy-nilly</strong> &#8211; impotent<br />
<strong>wind</strong> - <strong>1</strong> air in a hurry <strong>2</strong> like air, only pushier<br />
<strong>window</strong> &#8211; what all gamblers want to do<br />
<strong>Windows</strong> - <strong>1</strong> the Gates of Hell <strong>2</strong> the Fisher-Price version of the Macintosh OS <strong>3</strong> a $100 solitaire game<br />
<strong>window dressing</strong> &#8211; a girl who doesn&#8217;t pull down the shades<br />
<strong>Windows 95</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] 32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company, that can&#8217;t stand 1 bit of competition<br />
<strong>Windows 2000</strong> &#8211; [Econ.] what you jump out of when you&#8217;re the sucker that bought Yahoo at $240 per share<br />
<strong>windsocks</strong> &#8211; [Aviation] socks that need darning<br />
<strong>wine</strong> &#8211; &lt;Elbert Hubbard&gt; an infallible antidote to commonsense and seriousness; an excuse for deeds otherwise unforgivable<br />
<strong>winter</strong> - <strong>1</strong> the season when a gentleman befurs a blonde <strong>2</strong> [Academia] when the dorm&#8217;s air conditioning finally kicks in<br />
<strong>wire wheel</strong> &#8211; cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light; also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, &#8220;Django Reinhardt&#8221;<br />
<strong>wisdom</strong> &#8211; knowing what to do with what you know<br />
<strong>wisecrack</strong> &#8211; a comedian with a Ph.D.<br />
<strong>wise man</strong> &#8211; &lt;Elbert Hubbard&gt; one who sees the storm coming before the clouds appear<br />
<strong>wiseacre</strong> &#8211; a smart lot<br />
<strong>witchcraft</strong> &#8211; handmade crafts made for Halloween<br />
<strong>withdrawal</strong> &#8211; the way Southerners speak<br />
<strong>wok</strong> &#8211; what you thwow at a wabbit<br />
<strong>wolf</strong> &#8211; a man who knows all the ankles<br />
<strong>woman</strong> &#8211; /Weird Obnoxious Male-Enticing Nymphs/ <strong>1</strong> great shareware, but be careful of viruses; also comes with no documentation <strong>2</strong> a poorly-designed life support system for a vagina <strong>3</strong> man, the sequel. As with most sequels, the original was better. <strong>4</strong> &lt;Ambrose Bierce&gt; an animal usually living in the vicinity of Man, and having a rudimentary susceptibility to domestication<br />
<strong>women</strong> - <strong>1</strong> derived from &#8220;woe to men&#8221; <strong>2</strong> the female of the speeches<br />
<strong>woodchuck</strong> &#8211; throwing a heavy pole, post, or other item made of wood<br />
<strong>Woodstock</strong> &#8211; shares in a timber company<br />
<strong>word processor</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] the guy who decides if a word should be added to the language<br />
<strong>work</strong> - <strong>1</strong> the slow, dragging fingernail on the blackboard of life <strong>2</strong> the crab grass in the lawn of life <strong>3</strong> the thing that interferes with golf <strong>4</strong> a blessed respite from screaming kids and soap operas for which you actually get paid<br />
<strong>workout</strong> &#8211; an outside job<br />
<strong>work study</strong> &#8211; [Academia] two things not done by a majority of students<br />
<strong>workaholic</strong> &#8211; someone who says, &#8220;Thank God it&#8217;s Monday!&#8221;<br />
<strong>world</strong> &#8211; a jigsaw puzzle with a peace missing<br />
<strong>world wide web</strong> &#8211; Earth after being overrun by spiders<br />
<strong>worry</strong> &#8211; the interest paid on trouble before it&#8217;s due<br />
<strong>wrinkles</strong> &#8211; something other people have. You have character lines.<br />
<strong>wristwatch</strong> &#8211; that device on your arm that lets you know you&#8217;re currently late<br />
<strong>writer</strong> &#8211; one who corrects a wrong<br />
<strong>WWW</strong> &#8211; /Whole World Waiting/ <em>or</em> /World Wide Wait/ [Comput.]<br />
<strong>WYSIWIG</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] what you see is fake hair<br />
<strong>x-chromosome</strong> &#8211; a genetic double-cross that empowers women with the ability to bear children and reserves for men the right to be color-blind hemophiliacs<br />
<strong>x-ray</strong> &#8211; [Med.] <strong>1</strong> the former Mrs. Charles <strong>2</strong> a piece of medical equipment that can display cafeteria meatballs up to ten years after they&#8217;re eaten <strong>3</strong> a diagnostic tool used to detect existing cancerous growths and create new ones for future examinations to reveal <strong>4</strong> bellyvision<br />
<strong>xerophyte</strong> &#8211; harmonious relationship<br />
<strong>Xeroxes</strong> &#8211; Persian photocopy king<br />
<strong>Xmas</strong> &#8211; for those who can&#8217;t spell the whole word Christmas<br />
<strong>xoxoxoxo</strong> &#8211; salutation guaranteed to make the already embarrassing note in a kid&#8217;s lunch box even more mortifying<br />
<strong>xylophone</strong> &#8211; [Par.] small toy musical instrument often given as gifts to children who show their appreciation by playing the stupid thing constantly, over and over, all day long; see also &#8220;drums&#8221;<br />
<strong>Yahoo</strong> &#8211; [Econ.] what you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share<br />
<strong>Yale</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a Norwegian prison <strong>2</strong> [Southern U.S.] to speak very loudly<br />
<strong>Yankee</strong> - <strong>1</strong> the same as a quickie, but you can do it by yourself <strong>2</strong> the recipient of a tug <strong>3</strong> [Aviation] any pilot that asks Heathrow tower to &#8220;Say again&#8221;<br />
<strong>yard sale</strong> &#8211; [Par.] heart-wrenching emotional process wherein Mom plans to sell kids&#8217; outdated toys and clothing that she decides at the last minute are treasured mementos she can&#8217;t bear to part with<br />
<strong>yawn</strong> - <strong>1</strong> an honest opinion openly expressed <strong>2</strong> a silent shout, inside out <strong>3</strong> the only time some married men ever get to open their mouth<br />
<strong>y-chromosome</strong> &#8211; a line of genes designed for men only; the cause of virility, war, baldness, hockey, sex crimes, clever inventions and a disinclination to ask for directions when lost<br />
<strong>yearbook</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a book of pictures that get nerdier with time <strong>2</strong> a book like <em>War and Peace</em><br />
<strong>years of development</strong> &#8211; [Ad.] we finally got one to work<br />
<strong>yes-men</strong> &#8211; guys who patronize a man whom nobody noes<br />
<strong>yesterday</strong> &#8211; [Academia] when the 12-page paper you started tonight was due<br />
<strong>Yiddish</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a tongue that never takes its tongue out of its cheek <strong>2</strong> the rich traditional language of organized complaint<br />
<strong>yield sign</strong> &#8211; [Academia] dormitory wall decoration &#8220;purchased&#8221; around 3 in the morning with the help of two buddies and a hammer<br />
<strong>yippee!</strong> &#8211; [Par.] an exclamation upon hearing that the school year was changed to 12 months; also, &#8220;yahoo!&#8221;<br />
<strong>yogurt</strong> &#8211; [Culin.] semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid.<br />
<strong>yoke</strong> - <strong>1</strong> yolly yocularity by a yester <strong>2</strong> a Swedish anecdote<br />
<strong>young at heart</strong> &#8211; [Pers.] senior citizen<br />
<strong>yours</strong> &#8211; anything which, up to the present, others have not been able to get away from you<br />
<strong>youthful figure</strong> &#8211; what you get when asking a woman&#8217;s age<br />
<strong>yo-yo</strong> - <strong>1</strong> something occasionally up but normally down (see also &#8220;computer&#8221;) <strong>2</strong> an item that has its ups and downs<br />
<strong>Y2K</strong> - <strong>1</strong> countdown to 1900 <strong>2</strong> the year 2000, give or take 100 years<br />
<strong>Yule log</strong> &#8211; deforesting command<br />
<strong>yuppie</strong> &#8211; cheer that arises from obscene profits<br />
<strong>zeal</strong> &#8211; a quality seen in new graduates&#8211;if one is quick<br />
<strong>zebra</strong> - <strong>1</strong> ze cloth which covers ze breasts <strong>2</strong> a sports model horse <strong>3</strong> a bra with extra, extra large cups<br />
<strong>zeppelin</strong> &#8211; still the best band for playing air guitar in one&#8217;s underwear<br />
<strong>zero</strong> &#8211; [Academia] the number of times you&#8217;ve gotten to eat most of the pizza you ordered<br />
<strong>zero defects</strong> &#8211; the result of shutting down a production line<br />
<strong>zillion</strong> &#8211; [Par.] <strong>1</strong> amount of times Mom must have gone to the supermarket already this week <strong>2</strong> the number of times you ask the kids to take out the trash, then end up doing it yourself, anyway<br />
<strong>Zip file</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] a file sent Express Mail<br />
<strong>Zippo lighter</strong> &#8211; see <a href="http://www.opusforfour.com/definitions.html#oxyacetylenetorch">oxyacetylene torch</a><br />
<strong>zircon</strong> &#8211; a diamond falsie<br />
<strong>zit</strong> &#8211; dog command<br />
<strong>ZMODEM</strong> &#8211; [Comput.] <em>Archaic</em> big bits, soft blocks, tighter ASCII<br />
<strong>zombie</strong> &#8211; a mirthless creature beloved by teenage horror movie fans and those in charge of the hiring at accounting firms<br />
<strong>zoo</strong> - <strong>1</strong> a pleasant and instructive wildlife park, lately denounced for depriving animals of their right to starve or be eaten alive in their natural habitats <strong>2</strong> [Academia] what dorms would look like if they were a little neater<br />
<strong>zoology</strong> &#8211; [Academia] the study of animal life; see also &#8220;frat boys at homecoming&#8221;<br />
<strong>zoom lens</strong> &#8211; a peeping Tom&#8217;s eyes at a strip joint<br />
<strong>zucchini</strong> &#8211; [Par.] a vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed before kids refuse to eat it</p>
<p><img src="http://www.opusforfour.com/files/bar.png" alt="" /></p>
<h2><a name="sniglets"></a>Sniglets and similar phenomena</h2>
<p>There are some more at <a href="http://involution.org/neologisms.html">A Lexicon of Neologisms</a>. The ones there are not the same ones here; the following tend to be Rich Hall&#8217;s Sniglets from the old HBO show <em>Not Necessarily the News</em> or just bad puns.</p>
<p><strong>A.A.A.A.A.</strong> &#8211; an organization for drunks who drive<br />
<strong>abundunce</strong> &#8211; a dumb bunny<br />
<strong>accordionated</strong> &#8211; able to drive and refold a road map at the same time<br />
<strong>aeroma</strong> &#8211; the odor emanating from an exercise room after an aerobics workout<br />
<strong>Alfred Hitchcooking</strong> &#8211; the act of stabbing the frozen peas to get them to cook faster<br />
<strong>ambidextrose</strong> &#8211; able to put sugar in coffee with both hands<br />
<strong>amoebit</strong> &#8211; an amoeba/rabbit cross able to multiply and divide at the same time<br />
<strong>andropause</strong> &#8211; the end of virility<br />
<strong>anthropawmorphic</strong> &#8211; a dog with hands<br />
<strong>an udder failure</strong> &#8211; a cow that doesn&#8217;t give milk<br />
<strong>anythingarian</strong> &#8211; a person who changes religions religiously<br />
<strong>apauling</strong> &#8211; vitamin C deficiency<br />
<strong>aquadextrous</strong> &#8211; [Sniglet] possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with one&#8217;s toes<br />
<strong>aqualibrium</strong> &#8211; the point at which the stream of drinking water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from: (a) having to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting himself in the eye<br />
<strong>audioptics</strong> &#8211; the act of turning down the car stereo while looking for an address in an unknown neighborhood<br />
<strong>baggravation</strong> &#8211; a feeling of annoyance and anger one endures at the airport when his bags have not arrived at the baggage carousel but everyone else&#8217;s bags have<br />
<strong>bananosecond</strong> &#8211; time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement<br />
<strong>banectomy</strong> &#8211; [Sniglets] the removal of bruises on a banana<br />
<strong>baroclinic</strong> &#8211; where one takes a broken barometer<br />
<strong>bathquake</strong> &#8211; [Sniglet] the violent quake that rattles the entire house when the water faucet is turned on to a certain point<br />
<strong>baudy house</strong> &#8211; a bordello with a modem<br />
<strong>bawlroom</strong> &#8211; a hospital nursery<br />
<strong>BBS trek</strong> &#8211; the text generation<br />
<strong>Beelzebug</strong> &#8211; Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out<br />
<strong>bizoo</strong> &#8211; [Sniglet] one of the millions of tiny individual bumps that make up a basketball<br />
<strong>blithwapping</strong> &#8211; [Sniglet] using anything but a hammer to pound a nail into the wall, such as shoes, lamp bases, doorstops, etc.<br />
<strong>Borg Cable Co.</strong> &#8211; the subscriber&#8217;s wishes are irrelevant<br />
<strong>Borg cola</strong> &#8211; the choice of the next generation<br />
<strong>Borg trivial pursuit</strong> &#8211; assimilating irrelevant information<br />
<strong>Borg TV</strong> &#8211; only has one channel; anything else is irrelevant<br />
<strong>Bozone</strong> &#8211; the substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.<br />
<strong>bris and tell</strong> &#8211; a detailed description given by parents of their child&#8217;s circumcision, generally spoken quite loud in front of the grown child and those people he would least like to hear the story<br />
<strong>bromo-sexual</strong> &#8211; an individual who finds sex nauseating<br />
<strong>Bruise Lee</strong> &#8211; an inept martial-arts student<br />
<strong>bullemia</strong> &#8211; ability to tell endless tall tales<br />
<strong>burbulation</strong> &#8211; [Sniglet] the obsessive act of opening and closing a refrigerator door in an attempt to catch it before the automatic light comes on<br />
<strong>bureaucat</strong> &#8211; kitty who sleeps on your undies<br />
<strong>burgacide</strong> &#8211; when a hamburger can&#8217;t take any more torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals<br />
<strong>burglesque</strong> &#8211; a poorly planned break-in; see Watergate<br />
<strong>bustard</strong> &#8211; very rude metro bus driver<br />
<strong>buzzacks</strong> &#8211; people in phone marts who walk around picking up display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not connected<br />
<strong>cabinicreep</strong> &#8211; When closing one kitchen cabinet causes another to open<br />
<strong>carperpetuation</strong> &#8211; [Sniglet] the act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance<br />
<strong>cashtration</strong> &#8211; the act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period<br />
<strong>caterpallor</strong> the color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you&#8217;re eating<br />
<strong>Catifornia</strong> &#8211; the sunshine state for cats<br />
<strong>catolick</strong> &#8211; a religiously clean kitty<br />
<strong>chairity</strong> &#8211; donating your La-Z-Boy<br />
<strong>Chequeuary</strong> &#8211; the thirteenth month of the year. Begins New Year&#8217;s Day and ends when a person stops absentmindedly writing the old year on his checks.<br />
<strong>chicloexdus</strong> &#8211; the route taken by a gumball to avoid capture<br />
<strong>chirpes</strong> &#8211; a canarial disease, no tweetment<br />
<strong>choconiverous</strong> &#8211; biting off the head of the chocolate Easter bunny first<br />
<strong>chutzpapa</strong> &#8211; a father who wakes his wife at 4 a.m. so she can change the baby&#8217;s diaper<br />
<strong>cinemuck</strong> &#8211; [Sniglet] popcorn, soda, and candy that covers the floors of movie theaters<br />
<strong>compalatable</strong> &#8211; two people with the same taste in art<br />
<strong>crapezoid</strong> &#8211; the area within earshot of a politician&#8217;s megaphone<br />
<strong>cyber-dog food</strong> &#8211; kibbles and bytes, and bytes and bytes<br />
<strong>decafaflon</strong> &#8211; the grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you<br />
<strong>deifenestration</strong> &#8211; to throw all talk of God out the window<br />
<strong>dêjà stew</strong> &#8211; [Culin.] leftovers<br />
<strong>dentopedology</strong> &#8211; the science of opening your mouth and putting your foot in it<br />
<strong>Depotphobia</strong> &#8211; fear associated with entering a Home Depot because of how much money one might spend. Electronics geeks experience Shackophobia<br />
<strong>dijon vu</strong> &#8211; feeling that you&#8217;ve tasted this mustard before<br />
<strong>dimp</strong> a person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking, &#8220;Do you work here?&#8221;<br />
<strong>discahkentude</strong> &#8211; looking like one isn&#8217;t involved while one&#8217;s dog goes to the bathroom on a neighbor&#8217;s lawn<br />
<strong>disconfect</strong> &#8211; to sterilize the piece of candy dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow remove all the germs<br />
<strong>disoriyenta</strong> &#8211; when Aunt Sadie gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes<br />
<strong>doltergeist</strong> &#8211; a spirit that decides to haunt someplace stupid, such as your septic tank<br />
<strong>Dopelar effect</strong> &#8211; the tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you come at them rapidly<br />
<strong>ECNALUBMA</strong> &#8211; a rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rear-view mirror<br />
<strong>elbonics</strong> &#8211; [Sniglet] the actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater<br />
<strong>Eiffelites</strong> &#8211; gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter which direction you lean in, follow suit<br />
<strong>elastiphobia</strong> &#8211; fear of making it into the Guinness Book of World Records for &#8220;Most Stretch Marks&#8221; during pregnancy<br />
<strong>elecelleration</strong> &#8211; the mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive<br />
<strong>elephone</strong> &#8211; how elephants call home<br />
<strong>elifino</strong> &#8211; what happens when you cross a elephant and a rhino<br />
<strong>essoasso</strong> &#8211; guy who cuts through gas station to avoid the red light<br />
<strong>extraterrestaraunt</strong> &#8211; an eating establishment where you feel you&#8217;ve been abducted and experimented upon, also &#8220;E-T-ry&#8221;<br />
<strong>Fahrvergnukie</strong> &#8211; sex in a Volkswagen<br />
<strong>faunacation</strong> &#8211; how wildlife ends up when its environment is destroyed. Leads to <strong>faunacatering</strong>, which has made a meal of many species<br />
<strong>eunough</strong> &#8211; the pain of castration<br />
<strong>faux pass</strong> &#8211; a fake hall pass<br />
<strong>feastiality</strong> &#8211; sexual food fetish<br />
<strong>fecalish grin</strong> &#8211; the distortion of the face after stepping on hot dog feces while barefoot<br />
<strong>fee-fi-fo-bia</strong> &#8211; fear of giants<br />
<strong>fenderberg</strong> &#8211; [Sniglet] the large glacial deposits that form on the insides of car fenders during snowstorms<br />
<strong>flannister</strong> &#8211; [Sniglet] the plastic yoke that holds a six-pack of beer together<br />
<strong>flatulance</strong> &#8211; an emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller<br />
<strong>flopcorn</strong> &#8211; the unpopped kernels at the bottom of the cooker<br />
<strong>flowie</strong> &#8211; a tall, thin, long legged woman dressed in long flowing skirts with loose accessories in either earth tones or bright colors<br />
<strong>F-mail</strong> &#8211; report cards mailed to parents of poor students<br />
<strong>foodwinking</strong> &#8211; giving exotic names to otherwise mundane food products<br />
<strong>fobia</strong> &#8211; the fear of misspelled words<br />
<strong>foreploy</strong> &#8211; a misrepresentation or outright lie about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex<br />
<strong>fornicat</strong> &#8211; a promiscuous pussy<br />
<strong>frisbyterianism</strong> &#8211; belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof<br />
<strong>frust</strong> &#8211; the small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until one finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug<br />
<strong>funkinetics</strong> &#8211; a very energetic form of step aerobics that mixes exercise and soul music<br />
<strong>furbling</strong> &#8211; [Sniglet] having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank even when you are the only person in line<br />
<strong>further-fetched</strong> &#8211; beyond far-fetched<br />
<strong>garmites</strong> &#8211; clothing that fits well in the store but shrinks on the way home<br />
<strong>gemuine</strong> &#8211; an authentic precious stone<br />
<strong>genderplex</strong> &#8211; [Sniglet] trying to determine from the cutesy pictures which restroom to use<br />
<strong>giraffiti</strong> &#8211; vandalous spray-painting really high up<br />
<strong>Gleemites</strong> &#8211; [Sniglet] petrified deposits of toothpaste found in sinks<br />
<strong>glimo</strong> &#8211; to attempt to see who is in the back of a limousine<br />
<strong>gnagloot</strong> &#8211; [Sniglet] a person who leaves all his ski passes on his jacket just to impress people<br />
<strong>Grantartica</strong> &#8211; a cold, isolated place where art companies dwell without funding<br />
<strong>gurmlish</strong> &#8211; [Sniglet] the red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich which prevents the person from biting into it and puncturing the roof of his mouth<br />
<strong>hindkerchief</strong> &#8211; really expensive toilet paper; toilet paper at the White House<br />
<strong>idiot box</strong> &#8211; [Sniglet] the part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the stamp when they can&#8217;t quite figure it out for themselves<br />
<strong>ignisecond</strong> &#8211; [Sniglet] the overlapping moment of time when the hand is locking the car door even as the brain is saying, &#8220;My keys are in there!&#8221;<br />
<strong>ignoranus</strong> &#8211; a person who&#8217;s stupid at both ends<br />
<strong>impotience</strong> &#8211; eager anticipation by men awaiting their Viagra prescription<br />
<strong>inoculatte</strong> &#8211; to take coffee intravenously when running late<br />
<strong>intaxication</strong> &#8211; euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with<br />
<strong>jeanealogy</strong> &#8211; study of Levi&#8217;s, Wranglers, and other denims<br />
<strong>karmageddon</strong> &#8211; it&#8217;s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? and then, like, the earth explodes and it&#8217;s, like, a serious bummer<br />
<strong>kinstirpation</strong> &#8211; a painful inability to move relatives who come to visit<br />
<strong>Klaustrophobia</strong> &#8211; fear of Germans<br />
<strong>krogt</strong> &#8211; [Sniglet] the metallic silver coating found on fast-food game cards; chemical symbol Kg<br />
<strong>lactomangulation</strong> &#8211; [Sniglet] manhandling the &#8220;open here&#8221; spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the &#8220;illegal&#8221; side<br />
<strong>lambpoon</strong> &#8211; to make fun of sheep<br />
<strong>L&#8217;eggs benedict</strong> &#8211; socks for monks<br />
<strong>little boa sheep</strong> &#8211; shepherdess who absentmindedly ate her own flock<br />
<strong>looth</strong> &#8211; a loose tooth<br />
<strong>lullabouy</strong> &#8211; an idea that keeps floating into your head and prevents you from drifting off to sleep<br />
<strong>lysdexia</strong> &#8211; a peech imspediment we live to learn with<br />
<strong>maggit</strong> &#8211; a subscription card that falls from a magazine<br />
<strong>magnocartic</strong> &#8211; [Sniglet] an automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping carts<br />
<strong>mallennium</strong> &#8211; a thousand years of shopping<br />
<strong>meanderthal</strong> &#8211; an annoying individual moving slowly and aimlessly in front of another individual who is in a bit of a hurry<br />
<strong>millihelen</strong> &#8211; the amount of beauty required to launch one ship<br />
<strong>mittsquinter</strong> &#8211; [Sniglet] a ballplayer who looks into his glove after missing the ball, as if, somehow, the cause of the error lies there<br />
<strong>Mooses</strong> &#8211; Hebrew prophet who parted the Maine woods<br />
<strong>mustgo</strong> &#8211; [Sniglet] an item of food that has been sitting in the refrigerator so long it has become a science project<br />
<strong>narcolepulacyi</strong> &#8211; [Sniglet] the contagious action of yawning, causing everyone in sight to also yawn<br />
<strong>nazigator</strong> &#8211; an overbearing member of your carpool<br />
<strong>neophancy</strong> &#8211; a fluorescent light bulb struggling to come to life<br />
<strong>nophylactic</strong> &#8211; a form of birth control; unlike the prophylactic&#8217;s barrier method, the nophylactic utilizes the word &#8220;no&#8221; to avoid conception<br />
<strong>osteopornosis</strong> &#8211; a degenerate disease<br />
<strong>pedaeration</strong> &#8211; [Sniglet] the act of achieving the perfect body heat by having one leg under the sheet and one hanging off the edge of the bed<br />
<strong>pedalthermic</strong> &#8211; the ability to adjust the hot water tap with your toes in the bath<br />
<strong>pediddel</strong> &#8211; [? Sniglet] a car with only one working headlight<br />
<strong>peppier</strong> &#8211; the waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper<br />
<strong>Perry Masson</strong> &#8211; television lawyer who will solve no case before its time<br />
<strong>peternity</strong> &#8211; responsibility for a pet for a long, long time<br />
<strong>petribar</strong> &#8211; [Sniglet] a sun-bleached prehistoric candy that has been sitting in the window of a vending machine too long<br />
<strong>petrophobic</strong> &#8211; one who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet<br />
<strong>phonesia</strong> &#8211; the affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer<br />
<strong>phosflink</strong> &#8211; [Sniglet] to flick a bulb on and off when it burns out as if, somehow, that will bring it back to life<br />
<strong>Planned Parrothood</strong> &#8211; charitable foundation whose purpose is domestic breeding of macaws and cockatoos<br />
<strong>polish fly</strong> &#8211; you put it in her drink and she begs you to take her bowling<br />
<strong>pompomposity</strong> &#8211; cheerleader arrogance<br />
<strong>posh mortem</strong> &#8211; death styles of the rich and famous<br />
<strong>potus interruptus</strong> &#8211; a sexual encounter prematurely ended when the secret service man assigned to you hollers that the wife has returned; POTUS: President of the United States<br />
<strong>pro boner</strong> &#8211; in favor of erections<br />
<strong>procastinator</strong> &#8211; a fishing expert, gifted at casting lures<br />
<strong>procatstinate</strong> &#8211; when a cat can&#8217;t decide to go out or stay inside<br />
<strong>procrastinapping</strong> &#8211; the period of sleep between when the alarm first goes off and when you finally get out of bed<br />
<strong>pronoia</strong> &#8211; the suspicion that others are conspiring behind your back to help you<br />
<strong>psychoceramics</strong> &#8211; the study of crackpots<br />
<strong>pupkus</strong> &#8211; the moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it<br />
<strong>purpitation</strong> &#8211; [Sniglet] to take something off the grocery shelf, decide you don&#8217;t want it, and then put it in another section<br />
<strong>purranoia</strong> &#8211; the fear that your cat is up to something<br />
<strong>purrpetual motion</strong> &#8211; a kitty playing<br />
<strong>purrpetual</strong> &#8211; everlasting love for domesticated felines<br />
<strong>purrson</strong> &#8211; a male kitty<br />
<strong>purrverse</strong> &#8211; poem about a cat<br />
<strong>pussability</strong> &#8211; a surprised kitty&#8217;s &#8220;boing&#8221;<br />
<strong>reintarnation</strong> &#8211; returning in your next life as a hillbilly<br />
<strong>religious roulette</strong> &#8211; when you stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets struck by lightning first<br />
<strong>sadoequinecrophilia</strong> &#8211; beating a dead horse<br />
<strong>sarchasm</strong> &#8211; the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn&#8217;t get it<br />
<strong>schlattwhapper</strong> &#8211; [Sniglet] a window shade that allows itself to be pulled down, hesitates for a second, then snaps up in one&#8217;s face<br />
<strong>schnuffel</strong> [Sniglet] a dog&#8217;s practice of continuously nuzzling in your crotch in mixed company<br />
<strong>schwiggle</strong> &#8211; [Sniglet] the amusing rotation of one&#8217;s bottom while sharpening a pencil<br />
<strong>scribline</strong> &#8211; [Sniglet] the blank area on the back of credit cards where one&#8217;s signature goes<br />
<strong>shrinking violent</strong> &#8211; a shy gangster<br />
<strong>sinema</strong> &#8211; where you watch naughty movies<br />
<strong>slurm</strong> &#8211; [Sniglet] the slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when it sits in the dish too long<br />
<strong>smoreplay</strong> &#8211; what Smurfs do before they smuck<br />
<strong>snackmosphere</strong> &#8211; the 95% air inside bags of potato chips<br />
<strong>Snack Trek</strong> &#8211; [Sniglet] the peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will have materialized<br />
<strong>Sosumi</strong> &#8211; a new Japanese restaurant for lawyers<br />
<strong>spagmump</strong> &#8211; [Sniglet] one of the millions of Styrofoam wads that accompany mail-order items<br />
<strong>spirobits</strong> &#8211; the frayed bits of left-behind paper in a spiral notebook<br />
<strong>spirtle</strong> &#8211; [Sniglet] the fine stream from a grapefruit that always lands right in one&#8217;s eye<br />
<strong>splintercourse</strong> &#8211; the sexual act in an outdoor setting; <em>I enjoyed having</em> splintercourse <em>with you on the picnic table at the mile marker 189 rest stop</em><br />
<strong>squatcho</strong> &#8211; [Sniglet] the button at the top of a baseball cap<br />
<strong>storment</strong> &#8211; all those really good comebacks you wished you&#8217;d said to your previous partner, now directed unknowingly at your new partner<br />
<strong>sudzicle</strong> &#8211; ice-cold beer<br />
<strong>Sushido</strong> &#8211; the way of the tuna<br />
<strong>tatercrater</strong> &#8211; hole dug in mashed potatoes to keep the gravy in<br />
<strong>taterfamilias</strong> &#8211; head of the potato head family<br />
<strong>tatyr</strong> &#8211; a lecherous Mr. Potato Head<br />
<strong>telecrastination</strong> &#8211; the act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you&#8217;re only six inches away<br />
<strong>telepression</strong> &#8211; [Sniglet] the deep-seated guilt which stems from knowing that you did not try hard enough to look up the number on your own and instead put the burden on the directory assistant<br />
<strong>Thomas Alva Edselson</strong> &#8211; inventor of the electric lemon<br />
<strong>threek</strong> &#8211; a fork with a bent tine<br />
<strong>toilet toupee</strong> &#8211; [Sniglet] a shag carpet that causes the lid to become top-heavy, thus creating endless annoyance to male users<br />
<strong>tommororororororo</strong> &#8211; a lawn mower that won&#8217;t start<br />
<strong>toupalactic</strong> &#8211; a powerful birth control method which is based on the man wearing a wig so comical, sex is simply out of the question<br />
<strong>tunar</strong> &#8211; sonarlike device in can that causes cats to appear<br />
<strong>vaseball</strong> &#8211; a game of catch played by children in the living room<br />
<strong>vêjà du</strong> &#8211; feeling you&#8217;ve never been there before; also, vuja de<br />
<strong>Viagraccino</strong> &#8211; one cup and you&#8217;re up all night<br />
<strong>Viagra Falls</strong> &#8211; a honeymoon spot for chemically enhanced romantics<br />
<strong>viropause</strong> &#8211; the end of virility<br />
<strong>wargasm</strong> &#8211; sexual release which immediately follows a marital fight; <em>I&#8217;m so sick of waking up every morning to find your bowl of Tosittohhhhhhhhhhhhs!</em><br />
<strong>weelief</strong> &#8211; the feeling one gets upon spotting a rest stop on the interstate<br />
<strong>Widows 95</strong> &#8211; women who don&#8217;t have an e-male<br />
<strong>witlag</strong> &#8211; the delay between delivery and comprehension of a joke<br />
<strong>writer&#8217;s tramp</strong> &#8211; a woman who practices poetic licentiousness<br />
<strong>xenaphobia</strong> &#8211; the fear of warrior princesses<br />
<strong>XIIdigitation</strong> &#8211; [Sniglet] the act of trying to determine the year a movie was made by deciphering the Roman numerals at the end of the credits<br />
<strong>yinkel</strong> &#8211; [Sniglet] a man who combs his hair over his bald spot, hoping no one will notice</p>
<p><img src="http://www.opusforfour.com/files/bar.png" alt="" /></p>
<h2><a name="mw"></a>If men are from Mars and women are from Venus, then they&#8217;ll probably need a translator</h2>
<p><strong>butt</strong><br />
<em>female</em> &#8211; the body part that every item of clothing ever manufactured makes &#8220;look bigger&#8221;<br />
<em>male</em> &#8211; what you slap when someone scores a touchdown, home run, or goal. Also good for mooning</p>
<p><strong>commitment</strong><br />
<em>female</em> &#8211; a desire to get married and raise a family<br />
<em>male</em> &#8211; not trying to pick up other women while out with one&#8217;s girlfriend</p>
<p><strong>communication</strong><br />
<em>female</em> &#8211; the open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one&#8217;s partner<br />
<em>male</em> &#8211; scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys</p>
<p><strong>entertainment</strong><br />
<em>female</em> &#8211; a good movie, concert, play or book<br />
<em>male</em> &#8211; anything that can be done while drinking</p>
<p><strong>flatulence</strong><br />
<em>female</em> &#8211; an embarrassing by-product of digestion<br />
<em>male</em> &#8211; an endless source of entertainment, self-expression, and male bonding</p>
<p><strong>making love</strong><br />
<em>female</em> &#8211; the greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve<br />
<em>male</em> &#8211; call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed</p>
<p><strong>remote control</strong><br />
<em>female</em> &#8211; a device for changing from one TV channel to another<br />
<em>male</em> &#8211; a device for scanning through all 75 channels every three minutes</p>
<p><strong>taste</strong><br />
<em>female</em> &#8211; something you do frequently to whatever you&#8217;re cooking, to make sure it&#8217;s good<br />
<em>male</em> &#8211; something you must do to anything you think has gone bad, prior to tossing it out</p>
<p><strong>thingy</strong><br />
<em>female</em> &#8211; any part under a car&#8217;s hood<br />
<em>male</em> &#8211; the strap fastener on a woman&#8217;s bra</p>
<p><strong>vulnerable</strong><br />
<em>female</em> &#8211; fully opening up oneself emotionally to another<br />
<em>male</em> &#8211; playing football without a helmet</p>
<h3>Phrases</h3>
<p><strong>WOMEN</strong></p>
<p><em>&#8220;Yes&#8221;</em> &#8211; no.<br />
<em>&#8220;No&#8221;</em> &#8211; yes.<br />
<em>&#8220;Maybe&#8221;</em> &#8211; no.<br />
<em>&#8220;It&#8217;s your decision&#8221;</em> &#8211; The correct decision should be obvious by now.<br />
<em>&#8220;What do you want&#8221;</em> &#8211; You&#8217;ll pay for this later.<br />
<em>&#8220;We need to talk&#8221;</em> &#8211; I need to complain.<br />
<em>&#8220;Sure, go ahead&#8221;</em> &#8211; I don&#8217;t want you to.<br />
<em>&#8220;I&#8217;m not upset&#8221;</em> &#8211; Of course I&#8217;m upset, you moron!<br />
<em>&#8220;Be romantic, turn out the lights&#8221;</em> &#8211; I have flabby thighs.<br />
<em>&#8220;This kitchen is so inconvenient&#8221;</em> &#8211; I want a new house.<br />
<em>&#8220;I want new curtains&#8221;</em> &#8211; and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper&#8230;<br />
<em>&#8220;I heard a noise&#8221;</em> &#8211; I noticed you were almost asleep.<br />
<em>&#8220;Do you love me?&#8221;</em> &#8211; I&#8217;m going to ask for something expensive.<br />
<em>&#8220;How much do you love me?&#8221;</em> &#8211; I did something today that you&#8217;re really not going to like.<br />
<em>&#8220;Is my butt fat?&#8221;</em> &#8211; Tell me I&#8217;m beautiful.<br />
<em>&#8220;You have to learn to communicate&#8221;</em> &#8211; Just agree with me.<br />
<em>&#8220;Are you listening to me?&#8221;</em> &#8211; Too late, you&#8217;re dead.</p>
<p><strong>MEN</strong></p>
<p><em>&#8220;I&#8217;m hungry&#8221;</em> &#8211; I&#8217;m hungry.<br />
<em>&#8220;I&#8217;m sleepy&#8221;</em> &#8211; I&#8217;m sleepy.<br />
<em>&#8220;I&#8217;m tired&#8221;</em> &#8211; I&#8217;m tired.<br />
<em>&#8220;Do you want to go to a movie?&#8221;</em> &#8211; I&#8217;d eventually like to have sex with you.<br />
<em>&#8220;Can I take you out to dinner?&#8221;</em> &#8211; I&#8217;d eventually like to have sex with you.<br />
<em>&#8220;Can I call you sometime?&#8221;</em> &#8211; I&#8217;d eventually like to have sex with you.<br />
<em>&#8220;May I have this dance?&#8221;</em> &#8211; I&#8217;d eventually like to have sex with you.<br />
<em>&#8220;Nice dress!&#8221;</em> &#8211; Nice cleavage!<br />
<em>&#8220;You look tense, let me give you a massage&#8221;</em> &#8211; I want to fondle you.<br />
<em>&#8220;What&#8217;s wrong?&#8221;</em> &#8211; What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?<br />
<em>&#8220;What&#8217;s wrong?&#8221;</em> &#8211; I guess sex tonight is out of the question.<br />
<em>&#8220;I&#8217;m bored&#8221;</em> &#8211; Do you want to have sex?<br />
<em>&#8220;I love you&#8221;</em> &#8211; Let&#8217;s have sex now.<br />
<em>&#8220;I love you too&#8221;</em> &#8211; Okay, I said it&#8230; We&#8217;d better have sex now!<br />
<em>&#8220;Let&#8217;s talk&#8221;</em> &#8211; I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you&#8217;d like to have sex with me.<br />
<em>&#8220;Will you marry me?&#8221;</em> &#8211; I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.</p>
<h3>Golf terms as used by women</h3>
<p><strong>caddy</strong> &#8211; two women talking about a third who isn&#8217;t there to defend herself<br />
<strong>chip</strong> &#8211; time to get your nails re-done<br />
<strong>double bogie</strong> &#8211; &#8220;Casablanca&#8221; followed by &#8220;African Queen&#8221;<br />
<strong>fairway</strong> &#8211; splitting the bill when the girls go to lunch<br />
<strong>good lie</strong> &#8211; the weight shown on our drivers&#8217; licenses<br />
<strong>greens</strong> &#8211; the lunch we eat when we&#8217;d really love a cheeseburger<br />
<strong>hole-in-one</strong> &#8211; time for new pantyhose<br />
<strong>iron</strong> &#8211; what husbands should do to their shirts<br />
<strong>rough</strong> &#8211; getting a guy to understand, well, pretty much anything<br />
<strong>shaft</strong> &#8211; you watch the kids while he plays golf<br />
<strong>tees</strong> &#8211; wearing that Victoria Secret negligee<br />
<strong>water hazard</strong> &#8211; giving the kids too much to drink before a road trip<br />
<strong>wedge</strong> &#8211; a too-tight bathing suit</p>
<p><img src="http://www.opusforfour.com/files/bar.png" alt="" /></p>
<h2><a name="personals"></a>And if Mars and Venus plan on getting together via personal ads, they&#8217;ll need a decoder, too</h2>
<p><strong><em>Women&#8217;s ads</em></strong></p>
<p><strong>40-ish</strong> &#8211; 49<br />
<strong>adventurer</strong> - <strong>1</strong> slept with all your friends <strong>2</strong> has had more partners than you ever will<br />
<strong>athletic</strong> &#8211; flat-chested<br />
<strong>average-looking</strong> &#8211; has a face like a basset hound<br />
<strong>beautiful</strong> &#8211; pathological liar<br />
<strong>contagious smile</strong> - <strong>1</strong> does a lot of Ecstasy <strong>2</strong> bring your penicillin<br />
<strong>educated</strong> - <strong>1</strong> banged her political science professor <strong>2</strong> college dropout<br />
<strong>emotionally secure</strong> &#8211; medicated<br />
<strong>feminist</strong> &#8211; fat ballbuster<br />
<strong>free spirit</strong> &#8211; junkie<br />
<strong>friendship first</strong> &#8211; trying to live down reputation as a slut<br />
<strong>fun</strong> &#8211; annoying<br />
<strong>gentle</strong> &#8211; comatose<br />
<strong>good listener</strong> &#8211; borderline autistic<br />
<strong>new-age</strong> &#8211; all body hair, all the time<br />
<strong>old-fashioned</strong> &#8211; lights out, missionary position only, no bjs<br />
<strong>open-minded</strong> &#8211; desperate<br />
<strong>outgoing</strong> &#8211; loud and embarrassing<br />
<strong>passionate</strong> &#8211; sloppy drunk<br />
<strong>poet</strong> &#8211; depressive schizophrenic<br />
<strong>professional</strong> &#8211; certified bitch<br />
<strong>redhead</strong> &#8211; bad dye-job<br />
<strong>reubenesque</strong> &#8211; grossly fat<br />
<strong>romantic</strong> &#8211; looks better by candle light<br />
<strong>social</strong> &#8211; has been passed around like an hors d&#8217;oeuvres tray<br />
<strong>voluptuous</strong> &#8211; very fat<br />
<strong>weight proportional to height</strong> &#8211; grossly obese<br />
<strong>wants soulmate</strong> &#8211; stalker<br />
<strong>widow</strong> &#8211; drove first husband to shoot himself<br />
<strong>young at heart</strong> &#8211; old bat</p>
<p><strong><em>Men&#8217;s ads</em></strong></p>
<p><strong>40-ish</strong> &#8211; 52 and looking for 25-yr-old<br />
<strong>athletic</strong> &#8211; watches a lot of NASCAR<br />
<strong>average-looking</strong> &#8211; unusual hair growth on ears, nose, and back<br />
<strong>educated</strong> &#8211; will patronize the shit out of you<br />
<strong>free spirit</strong> &#8211; banging your sister<br />
<strong>friendship first</strong> &#8211; as long as friendship involves nookie<br />
<strong>fun</strong> &#8211; good with a remote and a six-pack<br />
<strong>good-looking</strong> &#8211; arrogant<br />
<strong>very good-looking</strong> &#8211; dumb as a board<br />
<strong>honest</strong> &#8211; pathological liar<br />
<strong>huggable</strong> &#8211; overweight, more body hair than a bear<br />
<strong>likes to cuddle</strong> &#8211; insecure, dependent<br />
<strong>mature</strong> - <strong>1</strong> until you get to know him <strong>2</strong> older than your father<br />
<strong>open-minded</strong> &#8211; wants to sleep with your roommate but she&#8217;s not interested<br />
<strong>physically fit</strong> - <strong>1</strong> does a lot of 12-ounce curls <strong>2</strong> spends a lot of time in front of the mirror admiring himself<br />
<strong>poet</strong> &#8211; wrote ex-girlfriend&#8217;s phone number on a bathroom stall<br />
<strong>sensitive</strong> &#8211; cries at chick flicks<br />
<strong>very sensitive</strong> &#8211; gay<br />
<strong>spiritual</strong> - <strong>1</strong> got laid in a cemetery once <strong>2</strong> Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter Sunday<br />
<strong>stable</strong> &#8211; arrested for stalking, but not convicted<br />
<strong>thoughtful</strong> &#8211; says &#8220;Please&#8221; when demanding a beer</p>
<p><img src="http://www.opusforfour.com/files/bar.png" alt="" /></p>
<h2><a name="kiss"></a>After the personal ad comes a kiss</h2>
<p><em>Each field of study has its own jargon and, in fact, may even define the same thing in different ways. Here are a few of the different definitions of a thing as simple as a kiss by professors of different fields.</em></p>
<p><em>Professor of Computer Science</em><br />
A kiss is a few bits of love compiled into a byte.</p>
<p><em>Professor of Algebra</em><br />
A kiss is two divided by nothing.</p>
<p><em>Professor of Geometry</em><br />
A kiss is the shortest distance between two straight lines.</p>
<p><em>Professor of Physics</em><br />
A kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.</p>
<p><em>Professor of Chemistry</em><br />
A kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.</p>
<p><em>Professor of Zoology</em><br />
A kiss is the interchange of unisexual salivary bacteria.</p>
<p><em>Professor of Physiology</em><br />
A kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicularis oris muscles in the state of contraction.</p>
<p><em>Professor of Dentistry</em><br />
A kiss is infectious and antiseptic.</p>
<p><em>Professor of Accountancy</em><br />
A kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.</p>
<p><em>Professor of Economics</em><br />
A kiss is that thing for which the demand is higher than the supply.</p>
<p><em>Professor of Statistics</em><br />
A kiss is an event whose probability depends on the vital statistics of 36-24-36.</p>
<p><em>Professor of Philosophy</em><br />
A kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth and homage for the old.</p>
<p><em>Professor of English</em><br />
A kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction; it is more common than proper; it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all.</p>
<p><em>Professor of Engineering</em><br />
Uh, What? I&#8217;m not familiar with that term.</p>
<p><img src="http://www.opusforfour.com/files/bar.png" alt="" /></p>
<h2><a name="studentprof"></a>Studentspeak translator for professors</h2>
<p>Student 1: &#8220;I didn&#8217;t understand the assignment.&#8221;<br />
Meaning: &#8220;I didn&#8217;t know you assigned anything.&#8221;</p>
<p>Student 2: &#8220;I didn&#8217;t understand the assignment.&#8221;<br />
Meaning: &#8220;I didn&#8217;t know we were to turn it in.&#8221;</p>
<p>Student 3: &#8220;I didn&#8217;t understand the assignment.&#8221;<br />
Meaning: &#8220;I don&#8217;t have a book.&#8221;</p>
<p>Student 4: &#8220;I didn&#8217;t understand the assignment.&#8221;<br />
Meaning: &#8220;I don&#8217;t have a clue.&#8221;</p>
<p>Student 5: &#8220;I didn&#8217;t understand the assignment.&#8221;<br />
Meaning: &#8220;I couldn&#8217;t do the first problem.&#8221;</p>
<p>Student 6: &#8220;I didn&#8217;t understand the assignment.&#8221;<br />
Meaning: &#8220;There was one problem I couldn&#8217;t do.&#8221;</p>
<p>Student 7: &#8220;I didn&#8217;t understand the assignment.&#8221;<br />
Meaning: &#8220;Are you sure this course is required for graduation?&#8221;</p>
<p><img src="http://www.opusforfour.com/files/bar.png" alt="" /></p>
<h2><a name="science"></a>Scientific phrases</h2>
<p><em>&#8220;It has long been known&#8221;</em> &#8211; I didn&#8217;t look up the original reference.<br />
<em>&#8220;A definite trend is evident&#8221;</em> &#8211; These data are practically meaningless.<br />
<em>&#8220;While it has not been possible to provide definite answers to the questions&#8221;</em> &#8211; An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published.<br />
<em>&#8220;Three of the samples were chosen for detailed study&#8221;</em> &#8211; The other results didn&#8217;t make any sense.<br />
<em>&#8220;Typical results are shown&#8221;</em> - <strong>1</strong> This is the prettiest graph. <strong>2</strong> The best results are shown.<br />
<em>&#8220;These results will be in a subsequent report&#8221;</em> &#8211; I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.<br />
<em>&#8220;In my experience&#8221;</em> &#8211; Once.<br />
<em>&#8220;In case after case&#8221;</em> &#8211; Twice.<br />
<em>&#8220;In a series of cases&#8221;</em> &#8211; Thrice.<br />
<em>&#8220;It is believed that&#8221;</em> &#8211; I think.<br />
<em>&#8220;It is generally believed that&#8221;</em> &#8211; A couple of others think so, too.<br />
<em>&#8220;Correct within an order of magnitude&#8221;</em> &#8211; Wrong.<br />
<em>&#8220;According to statistical analysis&#8221;</em> &#8211; Rumor has it.<br />
<em>&#8220;A statistically-oriented projection of the significance of these findings&#8221;</em> &#8211; A wild guess.<br />
<em>&#8220;A careful analysis of obtainable data&#8221;</em> &#8211; Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass iced tea.<br />
<em>&#8220;It is clear that much additional work will be required before a complete understanding of this phenomenon occurs&#8221;</em> - <strong>1</strong>I don&#8217;t understand it. <strong>2</strong> I need more grant money. <strong>3</strong> I can get at least one more paper out of this.<br />
<em>&#8220;After additional study by my colleagues&#8221;</em> &#8211; They don&#8217;t understand it either.<br />
<em>&#8220;Thanks are due to Joe Blotz for assistance with the experiment and to Cindy Adams for valuable discussions&#8221;</em> &#8211; Mr. Blotz did the work and Ms. Adams explained to me what it meant.<br />
<em>&#8220;A highly significant area for exploratory study&#8221;</em> &#8211; A totally useless topic selected by my committee.<br />
<em>&#8220;Accidentally stained during mounting&#8221;</em> &#8211; Accidentally dropped on the floor.<br />
<em>&#8220;Handled with extreme care during the experiments&#8221;</em> &#8211; Not dropped on the floor.<br />
<em>&#8220;Presumably at longer times&#8221;</em> &#8211; I didn&#8217;t take the time to find out.<br />
<em>&#8220;The best values were those of Jones&#8221;</em> &#8211; He was a student of mine.<br />
<em>&#8220;It might be argued that&#8221;</em> &#8211; I have such a good answer for this objection that I want to be sure I get to use it.<br />
<em>&#8220;This paper will omit a review of the more recent literature in favor of&#8221;</em> &#8211; I don&#8217;t know if anything has been written on this since my dissertation.<br />
<em>&#8220;Various authorities agree&#8221;</em> &#8211; I overheard this in the hall.<br />
<em>&#8220;It is suggested that&#8221;</em> &#8211; I wonder if&#8230;<br />
<em>&#8220;The implications are clear.&#8221;</em> &#8211; The implications are not clear (or I would have specified what they are).<br />
<em>&#8220;It was observed that&#8221;</em> &#8211; One of my students noticed that<br />
<em>&#8220;No discussion would be complete without reference to the contributions of&#8221;</em> &#8211; I need another footnote on this page.<br />
<em>&#8220;Of great theoretical and practical importance&#8221;</em> &#8211; Of interest to me&#8221;<br />
<em>&#8220;This research has left many questions unanswered.&#8221;</em> &#8211; I didn&#8217;t find anything of significance.<br />
<em>&#8220;This finding has not yet been incorporated into general theory&#8221;</em> &#8211; Perhaps my next graduate student will make sense of it.<br />
<em>&#8220;It is hoped that this study will stimulate further investigation in this field&#8221;</em> &#8211; I quit.</p>
<p><img src="http://www.opusforfour.com/files/bar.png" alt="" /></p>
<h2><a name="medicine"></a>Doctor&#8217;s phrasebook</h2>
<p><em>&#8220;This should be taken care of right away.&#8221;</em> &#8211; I&#8217;d planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.<br />
<em>&#8220;Well, what have we here&#8230;?&#8221;</em> &#8211; I have no idea and I&#8217;m hoping you&#8217;ll give me a clue.<br />
<em>&#8220;Let me check your medical history.&#8221;</em> &#8211; I want to see if you&#8217;ve paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.<br />
<em>&#8220;Why don&#8217;t we make another appointment later in the week.&#8221;</em> - <strong>1</strong> I&#8217;m playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time.<strong>2</strong> I need the bucks, so I&#8217;m charging you for another office visit.<br />
<em>&#8220;We have some good news and some bad news.&#8221;</em> &#8211; The good news is, I&#8217;m going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you&#8217;re going to pay for it.<br />
<em>&#8220;Let&#8217;s see how it develops.&#8221;</em> &#8211; Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.<br />
<em>&#8220;Let me schedule you for some tests.&#8221;</em> &#8211; I have a forty percent interest in the lab.<br />
<em>&#8220;I&#8217;d like to have my associate look at you.&#8221;</em> &#8211; He&#8217;s going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.<br />
<em>&#8220;I&#8217;d like to prescribe a new drug.&#8221;</em> &#8211; I&#8217;m writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.<br />
<em>&#8220;If it doesn&#8217;t clear up in a week, give me a call.&#8221;</em> &#8211; I don&#8217;t know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.<br />
<em>&#8220;That&#8217;s quite a nasty looking wound.&#8221;</em> &#8211; I think I&#8217;m going to throw up.<br />
<em>&#8220;This may smart a little.&#8221;</em> &#8211; Last week two patients bit off their tongues.<br />
<em>&#8220;Well, we&#8217;re not feeling so well today, are we&#8230;?&#8221; </em>- I&#8217;m stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?<br />
<em>&#8220;This should fix you up.&#8221; </em>- <strong>1</strong> The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff. <strong>2</strong> The drug salesman said it would kill all symptoms.<br />
<em>&#8220;Everything seems to be normal.&#8221; </em>- Rats! I guess I can&#8217;t buy that new beach condo after all.<br />
<em>&#8220;I&#8217;d like to run some more tests.&#8221; </em>- I can&#8217;t figure out what&#8217;s wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.<br />
<em>&#8220;Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?&#8221; </em>- You&#8217;re crazier than an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink who&#8217;ll split fees with me&#8230;<br />
<em>&#8220;There is a lot of that going around.&#8221;</em> &#8211; My God, that&#8217;s the third one this week. I&#8217;d better learn something about this.<br />
<em>&#8220;If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment.&#8221;</em> &#8211; I&#8217;ve never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I&#8217;m off next week.<br />
<em>&#8220;We&#8217;ll see.&#8221;</em> &#8211; I have to check my malpractice insurance first.<br />
<em>&#8220;I really can&#8217;t recommend seeing a chiropractor.&#8221;</em> &#8211; I hate those guys mooching in on our fees.<br />
<em>&#8220;How are we today?&#8221;</em> &#8211; I feel great. You, on the other hand, look like hell.<br />
<em>&#8220;Why don&#8217;t you slip out of your things.&#8221;</em> - <strong>1</strong> I don’t enjoy this any more than you do, but I&#8217;ve got to warm my fingers up somehow. <strong>2</strong> I haven&#8217;t had a good laugh all day.</p>
<p><img src="http://www.opusforfour.com/files/bar.png" alt="" /></p>
<h2><a name="philosophy"></a>Philosophical glossary</h2>
<p><em>Although these terms are also in the general list, their humor is more cogent when seen together.</em></p>
<p><strong>discourse</strong> &#8211; talky talky<br />
<a name="hermeneutics1"></a><strong>hermeneutics</strong> &#8211; what I mean<br />
<strong>logic</strong> &#8211; why I&#8217;m right<br />
<strong>apologetics</strong> &#8211; why you&#8217;re wrong<br />
<strong>fallacy</strong> &#8211; why you don&#8217;t even know you&#8217;re wrong<br />
<strong>epistemology</strong> &#8211; how I know I&#8217;m right and you&#8217;re wrong<br />
<strong>existential</strong> &#8211; don&#8217;t feel bad&#8211;everyone is wrong<br />
<strong>postmodern</strong> &#8211; who cares if I&#8217;m right or wrong<br />
<strong>systemic</strong> &#8211; your wrongness goes deep<br />
<strong>neo-</strong> &#8211; you&#8217;re as wrong as those old guys<br />
<strong>crypto-</strong> &#8211; I&#8217;m the only one who knows your wrongness<br />
<strong>paradoxical</strong> &#8211; it only looks like I&#8217;m wrong<br />
<strong>hyper-</strong> &#8211; you&#8217;d be right if you could learn to state things paradoxically<br />
<strong>grand meta-narrative</strong> &#8211; he thinks he&#8217;s right about everything<br />
<strong>paleo-</strong> &#8211; you&#8217;re as wrong as that new-fangled stuff<br />
<strong>phenomenal</strong> &#8211; I only seem wrong<br />
<strong>transcendental</strong> &#8211; if anyone&#8217;s right, I must be<br />
<strong>false consciousness</strong> &#8211; deep down you know I&#8217;m right<br />
<strong>subjugated/subaltern</strong> &#8211; they&#8217;re right, but everyone says they&#8217;re wrong<br />
<strong>bourgeois</strong> &#8211; they pay good money to be right<br />
<strong>proletariat</strong> &#8211; we&#8217;re wrong now, but wait for the revolution!<br />
<strong>deconstruction</strong> &#8211; w/ri(gh)t(e)<br />
<strong>Platonism</strong> &#8211; I know the very Form of rightness<br />
<strong>Thomism</strong> &#8211; it would appear that you are right<br />
<strong>categorical imperative</strong> &#8211; if you&#8217;re right, let&#8217;s make it a universal law<br />
<strong>problematize</strong> &#8211; I&#8217;ll show you how wrong you really are<br />
<strong>Cartesianism</strong> &#8211; cogito ergo rectitudo<br />
<strong>ontological argument</strong> &#8211; I am so right that none greater can be conceived<br />
<strong>epiphenomenon</strong> &#8211; this sentence is neither right nor wrong, as it is the product of a chemical reaction<br />
<strong>post-</strong> &#8211; now we&#8217;re finally right<br />
<strong>eclectic</strong> &#8211; you are wrong in a lot of different ways<br />
<strong>synthesis</strong> &#8211; you are so wrong that you are right<br />
<strong>exegesis</strong> &#8211; I know what it means and I can discourse all day about it; cf. <a href="http://www.opusforfour.com/definitions.html#hermeneutics1">hermeneutics</a><br />
<strong>presuppositional</strong> &#8211; I&#8217;m right and I won&#8217;t even discuss it with you<br />
<strong>-istic</strong> &#8211; you started with something good and made it really stupid<br />
<strong>dialectic</strong> &#8211; I&#8217;m right, but then again, I may be wrong<br />
<strong>Weltanschauung</strong> &#8211; how you see the world when your brain has been made into mush by German philosophy<br />
<strong>deconstruction</strong> &#8211; if I grind you up I can show that even your molecules are wrong<br />
<strong>Bayesian</strong> &#8211; I&#8217;ll give you even money that I&#8217;m right<br />
<strong>teleological</strong> &#8211; you&#8217;ve got everything backwards<br />
<strong><em>a priori</em></strong> &#8211; we&#8217;ll just assume that I am right<br />
<strong><em>a posteriori</em></strong> &#8211; having seen who won, I can assure you I was on that side all the time</p>
<p><img src="http://www.opusforfour.com/files/bar.png" alt="" /></p>
<h2><a name="realestate"></a>Real estate glossary</h2>
<p><strong>box room</strong> &#8211; suitable for accommodating one or two large cardboard boxes, folded<br />
<strong>by private treaty</strong> &#8211; if it went to auction it would never reach the reserve price<br />
<strong>compact</strong> &#8211; tiny<br />
<strong>country gentleman&#8217;s residence</strong> &#8211; no longer suitable for agricultural tenants<br />
<strong>deceptive appearance</strong> &#8211; it looks terrible<br />
<strong>delightful rural location</strong> &#8211; in flight path of nuclear bomber base<br />
<strong>easily maintained</strong> &#8211; requires at least two gardeners and live-in maid<br />
<strong>extensively modernized</strong> &#8211; former DIY owner had a breakdown under the strain<br />
<strong>for the gardening enthusiast</strong> &#8211; grounds like a jungle<br />
<strong>local authority grants available</strong> &#8211; about to be condemned<br />
<strong>much sought after</strong> &#8211; it&#8217;s been on the market at least twice before and still no one wants it<br />
<strong>owner eager to sell</strong> &#8211; if it goes within a week the subsidence cracks won&#8217;t be noticed<br />
<strong>partial central heating</strong> &#8211; the room above the boiler can get warm in summer<br />
<strong>period residence</strong> &#8211; built in the last two years<br />
<strong>quiet, secluded setting</strong> &#8211; on site of proposed dormitory town<br />
<strong>rare opportunity to buy</strong> &#8211; no one else wants it<br />
<strong>select neighborhood</strong> &#8211; beside sewage works<br />
<strong>sold</strong> &#8211; unless idiots like you offer a higher price<br />
<strong>subject to new instructions</strong> &#8211; they have just discovered death watch beetle<br />
<strong>unspoiled</strong> &#8211; planning permission granted for field next door<br />
<strong>unusual features</strong> &#8211; no roof<br />
<strong>unusual location</strong> &#8211; in the path of a projected interstate highway<br />
<strong>useful outbuildings</strong> &#8211; no inside toilet<br />
<strong>wealth of period features</strong> &#8211; yourself, dry rot, rising damp and an electrical circuit best operated in rubber gloves and wellies<br />
<strong>well-situated</strong> &#8211; in full view of the neighbors<br />
<strong>within easy distance of local amenities</strong> &#8211; next door to a pub and opposite a sex shop</p>
<p><img src="http://www.opusforfour.com/files/bar.png" alt="" /></p>
<h2><a name="office"></a>Office terms and phrases</h2>
<p><strong>it is in process</strong> &#8211; So wrapped up in red tape that the situation is almost hopeless<br />
<strong>we will look into it</strong> - <strong>1</strong> By the time the wheel makes a full turn, we assume you will have forgotten about it too <strong>2</strong> Forget it, we have enough problems already.<br />
<strong>program</strong> &#8211; Any assignment that can&#8217;t be completed by one telephone call<br />
<strong>expedite</strong> &#8211; To confound confusion with commotion<br />
<strong>channels</strong> &#8211; the trail left by the interoffice memo<br />
<strong>coordinator</strong> &#8211; the guy who has a desk between two expeditors<br />
<strong>consultant (or expert)</strong> &#8211; an ordinary guy more than 50 miles from home<br />
<strong>activate</strong> &#8211; to make carbons and add more names to the memo<br />
<strong>to implement a program</strong> &#8211; hire more people and expand the office<br />
<strong>under consideration</strong> &#8211; never heard of it<br />
<strong>under active consideration</strong> &#8211; we&#8217;re looking in the files for it<br />
<strong>meeting</strong> &#8211; a mass mulling by master-minds where minutes are kept and hours are lost<br />
<strong>conference</strong> &#8211; place where conversation is substituted for the dreariness of labor and the loneliness of thought<br />
<strong>negotiate</strong> &#8211; to seek a meeting of minds without knocking together of heads<br />
<strong>re-orientation</strong> &#8211; getting used to working again<br />
<strong>reliable source</strong> &#8211; the guy you just met<br />
<strong>informed source</strong> &#8211; the guy who told the guy you just met<br />
<strong>unimpeachable source</strong> &#8211; the guy who started the rumor originally<br />
<strong>clarification</strong> &#8211; to fill in the background with so many details that the foreground goes underground<br />
<strong>we are making a survey</strong> &#8211; we need more time to think of an answer<br />
<strong>read and initial</strong> &#8211; let&#8217;s spread the responsibility for this<br />
<strong>See me, or Let&#8217;s discuss</strong> &#8211; come down to my office, I&#8217;m lonesome.<br />
<strong>Let&#8217;s get together on this</strong> &#8211; I&#8217;m assuming you&#8217;re as confused as I am<br />
<strong>give us the benefit of your present thinking</strong> &#8211; we&#8217;ll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn&#8217;t interfere with what we&#8217;ve already decided to do<br />
<strong>give someone the picture</strong> &#8211; a long, confused, and inaccurate statement to a newcomer<br />
<strong>A number of different approaches are being tried.</strong> &#8211; We are still grasping at straws.<br />
<strong>We&#8217;re working on a fresh approach to the problem.</strong> &#8211; We just hired three kids fresh out of college.<br />
<strong>close project coordination</strong> &#8211; We know who to blame.<br />
<strong>major technological breathrough</strong> &#8211; It works OK, but looks very high-tech.<br />
<strong>Customer satisfaction upon delivery is assured.</strong> &#8211; We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.<br />
<strong>Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive.</strong> &#8211; The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.<br />
<strong>Test results were extremely gratifying.</strong> &#8211; We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.<br />
<strong>The entire concept will have to be abandoned.</strong> &#8211; The only person who understood the thing quit.<br />
<strong>Give us your interpretation.</strong> &#8211; I can&#8217;t wait to hear this!<br />
<strong>will advise you in due course</strong> &#8211; if we figure it out, we&#8217;ll let you know</p>
<p><img src="http://www.opusforfour.com/files/bar.png" alt="" /></p>
<h2><a name="euphemasia"></a>Euphemasia</h2>
<p><strong>euphemasia</strong> &#8211; new politically correct name for political correctness</p>
<p><strong>aesthetically challenged</strong> &#8211; ugly<br />
<strong>airhead</strong> &#8211; reality impaired<br />
<strong>amphibian American</strong> &#8211; frog<br />
<strong>aquatically challenged</strong> &#8211; drowning<br />
<strong>bald</strong> - <strong>1</strong> follicularly challenged <strong>2</strong> comb-free<br />
<strong>biologically challenged</strong> &#8211; dead<br />
<strong>blind</strong> &#8211; photonically non-receptive<br />
<strong>bovine control officers</strong> &#8211; Dallas Cowboys<br />
<strong>Caucasian culturally-disadvantaged</strong> &#8211; white trash<br />
<strong>certified astrological consultant</strong> &#8211; crackpot<br />
<strong>certified crystal therapist</strong> &#8211; crackpot<br />
<strong>certified past-life regression hypnotist</strong> &#8211; crackpot<br />
<strong>chronologically gifted</strong> &#8211; old<br />
<strong>client of the correctional system</strong> &#8211; prisoner<br />
<strong>codependent</strong> &#8211; finger-pointer<br />
<strong>constructivist feminist psychotherapy</strong> &#8211; psychobabble<br />
<strong>creatively re-dyed</strong> &#8211; stained<br />
<strong>cyclically challenged</strong> &#8211; having PMS<br />
<strong>deaf</strong> &#8211; visually oriented<br />
<strong>differently organized</strong> &#8211; messy<br />
<strong>differently-brained</strong> &#8211; stupid<br />
<strong>dishonest</strong> &#8211; ethically disoriented<br />
<strong>drug addict</strong> &#8211; chemically challenged<br />
<strong>drunk</strong> &#8211; spatially perplexed<br />
<strong>economically disadvantaged</strong> &#8211; welfare bum<br />
<strong>economically marginalized</strong> &#8211; poor<br />
<strong>energy-efficient</strong> &#8211; off<br />
<strong>environmentally correct human</strong> &#8211; dead<br />
<strong>equal opportunity employee</strong> &#8211; bisexual hooker<br />
<strong>erectionally challenged</strong> &#8211; impotent<br />
<strong>facially challenged</strong> &#8211; ugly<br />
<strong>factually unencumbered</strong> &#8211; ignorant<br />
<strong>fecally plenary</strong> &#8211; full of crap<br />
<strong>female gender biased</strong> &#8211; prefers women who shave their legs<br />
<strong>fat</strong> - <strong>1</strong> calorically enhanced <strong>2</strong> horizontally challenged <strong>3</strong> gravitationally challenged<br />
<strong>fat person</strong> &#8211; nutritional overachiever<br />
<strong>financially inept</strong> &#8211; poor<br />
<strong>follically independent</strong> &#8211; bald<br />
<strong>follower of Jimmy Swaggart</strong> &#8211; lost<br />
<strong>genetically discriminating</strong> &#8211; racist<br />
<strong>geological correction</strong> &#8211; earthquake<br />
<strong>girl</strong> &#8211; pre-woman<br />
<strong>government employee</strong> &#8211; stupid<br />
<strong>grammatically challenged</strong> &#8211; one who has difficulties with grammar or (by extension) punctuation or spelling<br />
<strong>gravitationally challenged</strong> &#8211; fat<br />
<strong>homeless</strong> &#8211; optionally residential<br />
<strong>horizontally challenged</strong> &#8211; thin<br />
<strong>horizontally gifted</strong> &#8211; fat<br />
<strong>housewife</strong> &#8211; domestic technician<br />
<strong>in denial</strong> &#8211; unaware that forgetting something obviously proves it happened<br />
<strong>in recovery</strong> &#8211; drunk/junkie<br />
<strong>insane</strong> - <strong>1</strong> selectively perceptive; <strong>2</strong> comprehensibility selective<br />
<strong>intellectually impaired</strong> &#8211; stupid<br />
<strong>living impaired</strong> &#8211; dead<br />
<strong>maintenance hole</strong> &#8211; manhole<br />
<strong>male gender biased</strong> &#8211; prefers men who shave their chests<br />
<strong>mechanically challenged</strong> &#8211; broken down automobile<br />
<strong>melanin-impoverished</strong> &#8211; white<br />
<strong>metabolically challenged</strong> &#8211; dead<br />
<strong>microslothically Challenged</strong> &#8211; Windows user<br />
<strong>monetarily challenged</strong> &#8211; poor<br />
<strong>morally (ethically) challenged</strong> &#8211; a crook<br />
<strong>morally handicapped</strong> &#8211; someone who has no other reason to park in a handicapped zone<br />
<strong>motivationally dispossessed</strong> &#8211; lazy<br />
<strong>musically delayed</strong> &#8211; tone deaf<br />
<strong>nasally disadvantaged</strong> &#8211; really big nose<br />
<strong>nasally gifted</strong> &#8211; runny nose<br />
<strong>nasally gifted</strong> &#8211; large nose<br />
<strong>nitpicklike</strong> &#8211; humor challenged<br />
<strong>obnoxious</strong> &#8211; charismatically enhanced<br />
<strong>old</strong> &#8211; gerentologically advanced<br />
<strong>one who is PC</strong> &#8211; target practice<br />
<strong>ontologically challenged</strong> &#8211; fictional or mythological<br />
<strong>osmotically challenged</strong> &#8211; thirsty<br />
<strong>other aged</strong> &#8211; too old/young (dual purpose)<br />
<strong>outdoor urban dwellers</strong> &#8211; homeless<br />
<strong>people of height</strong> &#8211; too tall<br />
<strong>person of region</strong> &#8211; redneck<br />
<strong>person of substance</strong> &#8211; fat<br />
<strong>persons living with entropy</strong> &#8211; dead<br />
<strong>persons of large stature</strong> &#8211; NY Giants<br />
<strong>petroleum transfer technician</strong> &#8211; gas station attendant<br />
<strong>poor</strong> - <strong>1</strong> economically deficient <strong>2</strong> economically unprepared<br />
<strong>racially challenged</strong> &#8211; white American<br />
<strong>residentially flexible</strong> &#8211; homeless<br />
<strong>rhythmically challenged</strong> &#8211; white boy<br />
<strong>romantically challenged</strong> &#8211; not with somebody at the moment<br />
<strong>Reubensque</strong> &#8211; grossly fat<br />
<strong>rustically inclined</strong> &#8211; redneck<br />
<strong>sanitation engineer</strong> &#8211; garbage man<br />
<strong>sex care provider</strong> &#8211; prostitute<br />
<strong>sexually focused chronologically gifted individual</strong> &#8211; dirty old man<br />
<strong>short</strong> &#8211; vertically challenged<br />
<strong>slum</strong> &#8211; economic oppression zone<br />
<strong>socially challenged</strong> &#8211; geek, nerd, etc.<br />
<strong>spatially perplexed</strong> &#8211; drunk<br />
<strong>street activity index</strong> &#8211; crime rate<br />
<strong>suffering from a sex addiction (female)</strong> &#8211; slut<br />
<strong>suffering from a sex addiction (male)</strong> &#8211; stud<br />
<strong>target equity group</strong> &#8211; vocal minority<br />
<strong>the absolute root of all evil known in the multidimensional infinity of reality</strong> &#8211; white male<br />
<strong>ugly</strong> &#8211; attractively impaired<br />
<strong>uniquely coordinated</strong> &#8211; clumsy<br />
<strong>uniquely fortuned individual on an alternative career path</strong> &#8211; loser<br />
<strong>verbally challenged</strong> &#8211; mute, dumb<br />
<strong>vertically challenged</strong> &#8211; short<br />
<strong>visually challenged</strong> &#8211; blind</p>
<p><img src="http://www.opusforfour.com/files/bar.png" alt="" /></p>
<h2><a name="hollywood"></a>Hollywood glossary</h2>
<p><em>Verbs</em></p>
<p><strong>to schmooze</strong> &#8211; befriend scum<br />
<strong>to pitch</strong> &#8211; grovel shamelessly<br />
<strong>to brainstorm</strong> &#8211; feign preparedness<br />
<strong>to research</strong> &#8211; procrastinate indefinitely<br />
<strong>to network</strong> &#8211; spread disinformation<br />
<strong>to collaborate</strong> &#8211; argue incessantly<br />
<strong>to freelance</strong> &#8211; collect unemployment</p>
<p><em>Nouns</em></p>
<p><strong>agent</strong> &#8211; frustrated lawyer<br />
<strong>lawyer</strong> &#8211; frustrated producer<br />
<strong>producer</strong> &#8211; frustrated writer<br />
<strong>writer</strong> &#8211; frustrated director<br />
<strong>director</strong> &#8211; frustrated actor<br />
<strong>actor</strong> &#8211; frustrated human</p>
<p><em>Compound words</em></p>
<p><strong>high-concept</strong> &#8211; low brow<br />
<strong>production value</strong> &#8211; gore<br />
<strong>entry-level</strong> &#8211; pays nothing<br />
<strong>highly qualified</strong> &#8211; knows the producer<br />
<strong>network approved</strong> &#8211; had made them money</p>
<p><em>Financial terms</em></p>
<p><strong>net</strong> &#8211; something that apparently doesn&#8217;t exist<br />
<strong>gross</strong> &#8211; Michael Eisner&#8217;s salary<br />
<strong>back-end</strong> &#8211; you, if you think you&#8217;ll ever see it<br />
<strong>residuals</strong> &#8211; braces for the kids<br />
<strong>deferral</strong> &#8211; don&#8217;t hold your breath<br />
<strong>points</strong> &#8211; see &#8220;net&#8221; or &#8220;back-end&#8221;</p>
<p><em>Common phrases</em></p>
<p><strong>You can trust me</strong> &#8211; You must be new<br />
<strong>It needs some polishing</strong> &#8211; Change everything<br />
<strong>It shows promise</strong> &#8211; It stinks rotten<br />
<strong>It needs some fine tuning</strong> &#8211; Change everything<br />
<strong>I&#8217;d like some input</strong> &#8211; I want total control<br />
<strong>It needs some honing</strong> &#8211; Change everything<br />
<strong>Call me back next week</strong> &#8211; Stay out of my life<br />
<strong>It needs some tightening</strong> &#8211; Change everything<br />
<strong>Try and punch it up</strong> &#8211; I have no idea what I want<br />
<strong>It needs some streamlining</strong> &#8211; Change everything<br />
<strong>You&#8217;ll never work in this town again</strong> &#8211; I have no power whatsoever.</p>
<p><img src="http://www.opusforfour.com/files/bar.png" alt="" /></p>
<h2><a name="performanceeval"></a>Glossary of performance evaluation terms and phrases</h2>
<p><strong>a keen analyst</strong> &#8211; thoroughly confused<br />
<strong>accepts new job assignments willingly</strong> &#8211; never finishes a job<br />
<strong>active socially</strong> &#8211; drinks heavily<br />
<strong>adapts to stress</strong> &#8211; &lt;<em>Fortune</em> magazine&gt; passes wind, water, or out depending upon the severity of the situation<br />
<strong>aggressive</strong> &#8211; obnoxious<br />
<strong>alert to company developments</strong> &#8211; an office gossip<br />
<strong>an excellent sounding board</strong> &#8211; &lt;<em>Fortune</em> magazine&gt; present reviewee with any number of alternatives, and implement them in the order precisely opposite of his/her specification<br />
<strong>a planner and organizer</strong> &#8211; &lt;<em>Fortune</em> magazine&gt; usually manages to put on socks before shoes; can match the animal tags on his clothing<br />
<strong>approaches difficult problems with logic</strong> &#8211; finds someone else to do the job<br />
<strong>average</strong> &#8211; not too bright<br />
<strong>bridge builder</strong> &#8211; likes to compromise<br />
<strong>career-minded</strong> &#8211; backstabber<br />
<strong>careful thinker</strong> &#8211; won&#8217;t make a decision<br />
<strong>character above reproach</strong> &#8211; still one step ahead of the law<br />
<strong>charismatic</strong> &#8211; no interest in any opinion but his own<br />
<strong>competent</strong> &#8211; is still able to get work done if supervisor helps<br />
<strong>conscientious and careful</strong> &#8211; scared<br />
<strong>consistent</strong> &#8211; &lt;<em>Fortune</em> magazine&gt; reviewee hasn&#8217;t gotten anything right yet, and it is anticipated that this pattern will continue throughout the coming year<br />
<strong>consults with co-workers often</strong> - <strong>1</strong> indecisive, confused, and clueless <strong>2</strong> the office gossip<br />
<strong>consults with supervisor often</strong> &#8211; pain in the ass<br />
<strong>delegates responsibility effectively</strong> &#8211; passes the buck well<br />
<strong>demonstrates qualities of leadership</strong> &#8211; is tall or has a loud voice<br />
<strong>deserves promotion</strong> &#8211; create new title to make them feel appreciated<br />
<strong>displays excellent intuitive judgement</strong> &#8211; knows when to disappear<br />
<strong>displays great dexterity and agility</strong> &#8211; dodges and evades superiors well<br />
<strong>doesn&#8217;t suffer fools gladly</strong> &#8211; rude and abrasive<br />
<strong>enjoys job</strong> &#8211; needs more to do<br />
<strong>excels in sustaining concentration but avoids confrontations</strong> &#8211; ignores everyone<br />
<strong>excels in the effective application of skills</strong> &#8211; makes a good cup of coffee<br />
<strong>exceptionally well qualified</strong> &#8211; has committed no major blunders to date<br />
<strong>expresses self well</strong> - <strong>1</strong> can string two sentences together <strong>2</strong> speaks English<br />
<strong>family is active socially</strong> spouse drinks, too<br />
<strong>gets along extremely well with superiors and subordinates alike</strong> &#8211; a coward<br />
<strong>goal oriented</strong> &#8211; &lt;<em>Fortune</em> magazine&gt; continually sets low goals for himself, and usually fails to meet them<br />
<strong>good communication skills</strong> &#8211; spends lots of time on phone<br />
<strong>growth potential</strong> &#8211; &lt;<em>Fortune</em> magazine&gt; with proper guidance, periodic counselling, and remedial training, the reviewee may, given enough time and close supervision, meet the minimum requirements expected of him by the company<br />
<strong>happy</strong> &#8211; paid too much<br />
<strong>hard worker</strong> &#8211; usually does it the hard way<br />
<strong>has management potential</strong> &#8211; &lt;<em>Fortune</em> magazine&gt; because of his intimate relationship with inanimate objects, the reviewee has been appointed to the critical position of department pencil monitor<br />
<strong>identifies major management problems</strong> &#8211; complains a lot<br />
<strong>independent worker</strong> &#8211; nobody knows what he or she does<br />
<strong>indifferent to instruction</strong> &#8211; knows more than superiors<br />
<strong>inspirational</strong> &#8211; &lt;<em>Fortune</em> magazine&gt; a true inspiration to others; <em>There, but for the grace of God, go I.</em><br />
<strong>internationally know</strong> &#8211; likes to go to conferences and trade shows in Las Vegas<br />
<strong>is well informed</strong> &#8211; knows all office gossip and where all the skeletons are kept<br />
<strong>inspires the cooperation of others</strong> &#8211; gets everyone else to do the work<br />
<strong>judgment is usually sound</strong> &#8211; lucky<br />
<strong>keen sense of humor</strong> &#8211; knows lots of dirty jokes<br />
<strong>keeps stress out of own life</strong> &#8211; gives it to others instead<br />
<strong>keeps informed on business issues</strong> &#8211; subscribes to <em>Playboy</em> and <em>National Enquirer</em><br />
<strong>key company figure</strong> &#8211; &lt;<em>Fortune</em> magazine&gt; serves as the perfect counter example<br />
<strong>listens well</strong> &#8211; has no ideas of his own<br />
<strong>maintains a high degree of participation</strong> &#8211; comes to work on time<br />
<strong>maintains professional attitude</strong> &#8211; a snob<br />
<strong>meticulous in attention to detail</strong> &#8211; a nitpicker<br />
<strong>mover and shaker</strong> &#8211; favors steamroller tactics without regard for other opinions<br />
<strong>not a desk person</strong> &#8211; did not go to college<br />
<strong>of great value to the organization</strong> &#8211; turns in work on time<br />
<strong>outgoing personality</strong> &#8211; always going out of the office<br />
<strong>quick thinking</strong> &#8211; offers plausible excuses for errors<br />
<strong>requires work-value attitudinal readjustment</strong> &#8211; lazy and hard-headed<br />
<strong>should go far</strong> &#8211; please<br />
<strong>skilled oral communicator</strong> &#8211; &lt;<em>Fortune</em> magazine&gt; mumbles inaudibly when attempting to speak, talks to self, argues with self&#8211;loses these arguments<br />
<strong>skilled written communicator</strong> &#8211; &lt;<em>Fortune</em> magazine&gt; scribbles well; memos are invariably illegible, except for the portions that attribute recent failures to someone else<br />
<strong>slightly below average</strong> &#8211; stupid<br />
<strong>spends extra hours on the job</strong> &#8211; miserable home life<br />
<strong>stern disciplinarian</strong> &#8211; a real jerk<br />
<strong>straightforward</strong> &#8211; blunt and insensitive<br />
<strong>strong adherence to principles</strong> &#8211; stubborn<br />
<strong>tactful in dealing with superiors</strong> &#8211; knows when to keep mouth shut<br />
<strong>takes advantage of every opportunity to progress</strong> &#8211; buys drinks for superiors<br />
<strong>takes pride in work</strong> &#8211; conceited<br />
<strong>unlimited potential</strong> &#8211; will stick with us until retirement<br />
<strong>unusually loyal</strong> &#8211; wanted by no one else<br />
<strong>uses all available resources</strong> &#8211; takes office supplies home for personal use<br />
<strong>uses logic on difficult jobs</strong> &#8211; gets someone else to do it<br />
<strong>uses resources well</strong> &#8211; delegates everything<br />
<strong>uses time effectively</strong> &#8211; clock watcher<br />
<strong>very creative</strong> &#8211; finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work<br />
<strong>visionary</strong> &#8211; cannot handle paperwork or any project that lasts less than a week<br />
<strong>well-organized</strong> &#8211; does too much busywork<br />
<strong>will go far</strong> &#8211; relative of management<br />
<strong>willing to take calculated risks</strong> &#8211; doesn&#8217;t mind spending someone else&#8217;s money<br />
<strong>work is first priority</strong> &#8211; too ugly to get a date<br />
<strong>zealous attitude</strong> &#8211; opinionated</p>
<p><img src="http://www.opusforfour.com/files/bar.png" alt="" /></p>
<h2><a name="weights"></a>Weights and measures</h2>
<p>Ratio of an igloo&#8217;s circumference to its diameter = Eskimo pi</p>
<p>2000 pounds of Chinese soup = won ton</p>
<p>1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope</p>
<p>Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond</p>
<p>Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram</p>
<p>Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = knot-furlong</p>
<p>365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it&#8217;s less filling = 1 lite year</p>
<p>16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling</p>
<p>Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon</p>
<p>1000 aches = 1 kilohurtz</p>
<p>Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower</p>
<p>Shortest distance between two jokes = a straight line.</p>
<p>453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake</p>
<p>1 million microphones = 1 megaphone</p>
<p>1 million bicycles = 2 megacycles</p>
<p>2000 mockingbirds = Two kilomockingbirds</p>
<p>10 cards = 1 decacards</p>
<p>1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton</p>
<p>1000 cubic centimeters of wet socks = 1 literhosen</p>
<p>1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche</p>
<p>1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin</p>
<p>10 rations = 1 decoration</p>
<p>100 rations = 1 C-ration</p>
<p>3 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 I.V. League</p>
<p><img src="http://www.opusforfour.com/files/bar.png" alt="" /></p>
<h2><a name="bar"></a>Bar phrases</h2>
<p><em>&#8220;No, really, I&#8217;m OK to drive.&#8221;</em> &#8211; I&#8217;m wasted and should have someone bring me home but I am too embarrassed to have anybody see who I am going home with.<br />
<em>&#8220;I&#8217;m not used to these darts.&#8221;</em> &#8211; I&#8217;m not used to throwing anything smaller than a pool cue when I am this bombed.<br />
<em>&#8220;Lets go out to my car and get some cigarettes.&#8221;</em> (to opposite sex) &#8211; You would look great face down in my lap.<br />
<em>&#8220;You get this one, next round is on me.&#8221;</em> &#8211; We won&#8217;t be here long enough to get another round.<br />
<em>&#8220;I&#8217;ll get this one, next one is on you.&#8221;</em> &#8211; This place has dollar drafts and beers are $4.50 a pop at the next bar.<br />
<em>&#8220;Hey, where is that friend of yours?&#8221;</em> &#8211; I have no interest whatsoever in talking to you other than you&#8217;re a way to get your friend into a compromising position.<br />
<em>&#8220;Lets get out of here.&#8221;</em> &#8211; I just dumped a half a pitcher of beer into that biker guy&#8217;s helmet.<br />
<em>&#8220;Can I get a glass of white zinfindel?&#8221;</em> (female) &#8211; I&#8217;m easy.<br />
<em>&#8220;Can I get a glass of white zinfindel?&#8221;</em> (male) &#8211; I&#8217;m gay.<br />
<em>&#8220;Ever try a body shot?&#8221;</em> (male to female) &#8211; I am even willing to do a tequila shot if it means that I get to lick you.<br />
<em>&#8220;Ever try a body shot?&#8221;</em> (female to male) &#8211; If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I&#8217;ll do to you on the ride home?<br />
<em>&#8220;Look at that girl leaving with 5 guys.&#8221;</em> &#8211; Take a good look now because next time you see that face it will be on the back of a milk carton.<br />
<em>&#8220;I don&#8217;t feel well, lets go home.&#8221;</em> (female) &#8211; You are paying more attention to your friends than me.<br />
<em>&#8220;I don&#8217;t feel well, lets go home.&#8221;</em> (male) &#8211; I&#8217;m horny.<br />
<em>&#8220;I&#8217;ve had like 10 beers already.&#8221;</em> &#8211; I&#8217;ve only had 3, but I need an excuse to behave this way.<br />
<em>&#8220;Who&#8217;s got the next round?&#8221;</em> &#8211; I haven&#8217;t bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.<br />
<em>&#8220;I&#8217;m getting my life back together.&#8221;</em> &#8211; Are you kidding? Would I be wasted in a place like this if I had my act together? I&#8217;m a mess; fear and avoid me like the plague.<br />
<em>&#8220;Excuse me.&#8221;</em> (male to male) &#8211; Get out of the way.<br />
<em>&#8220;Excuse me.&#8221;</em> (male to female) &#8211; I am going to grope you now.<br />
<em>&#8220;Excuse me.&#8221;</em> (female to male) &#8211; Don&#8217;t even think about groping me, just get out of the way.<br />
<em>&#8220;Excuse me.&#8221;</em> (female to female) &#8211; Move your butt. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that, missy, and don&#8217;t think for one minute that you are. Coming in here dressing like a ho&#8230; Get your eyes off of my man, or I&#8217;ll slap you like the slut you are.<br />
<em>&#8220;I&#8217;m out of here, I have to work in the morning.&#8221;</em> &#8211; I owe that guy who just walked in the door 100 bucks and have been avoiding him since football season.<br />
<em>&#8220;What do you have on tap?&#8221;</em> &#8211; What&#8217;s cheap?<br />
<em>&#8220;Can I have a white Russian?&#8221;</em> (male) &#8211; I&#8217;m really gay.<br />
<em>&#8220;Can I have a white Russian?&#8221;</em> (female) &#8211; I&#8217;m really easy.<br />
<em>&#8220;You go ahead, I&#8217;ll catch a cab.&#8221;</em> &#8211; I already lined up a ride home with your ex-girlfriend.<br />
<em>&#8220;That person looks really familiar.&#8221;</em> &#8211; Did I sleep with him/her?<br />
<em>&#8220;Can I just get a glass of water?&#8221;</em> (female) &#8211; I&#8217;m annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.<br />
<em>&#8220;Can I just get a glass of water?&#8221;</em> (male) &#8211; It&#8217;s 9:00 am and I just stopped drinking about 90 minutes ago. Hell, I probably dropped half of my paycheck in here last night, it&#8217;s the least you can do for me.<br />
<em>&#8220;Do you have any Wild Turkey?&#8221;</em> &#8211; I want to make my friend really sick so we can all laugh at him in the morning.<br />
<em>&#8220;I don&#8217;t have my ID on me.&#8221;</em> (female) &#8211; I&#8217;m 19.<br />
<em>&#8220;I don&#8217;t have my ID on me.&#8221;</em> (male) &#8211; I don&#8217;t have a license since I got pulled over and blew a 0.4 last time I was in here.<br />
<em>&#8220;It&#8217;s OK, I&#8217;ll just go home with him/her.&#8221;</em> &#8211; There&#8217;s a good chance my life will end up as the Monday Night Shocker on NBC.</p>
<p><img src="http://www.opusforfour.com/files/bar.png" alt="" /></p>
<h2><a name="financial"></a>Financial terms</h2>
<p><strong>accept this special invitation</strong> &#8211; pay money<br />
<strong>bear</strong> &#8211; What your trade account and wallet will be when you take a flyer on that hot stock tip your secretary gave you.<br />
<strong>bond</strong> &#8211; What you had with your spouse until you pawned his/her golf clubs to invest in Amazon.com.<br />
<strong>brokee</strong> &#8211; Someone who buys stocks on the advice of a broker.<br />
<strong>broker</strong> &#8211; The person you trust to help you make major financial decisions. Please note the first five letters of this word spell broke.<br />
<strong>build relationships</strong> &#8211; get money from<br />
<strong>bull</strong> &#8211; What your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds tanked during the last quarter.<br />
<strong>commission</strong> &#8211; The only reliable way to wake money on the stock market, which is why your broker charges you one.<br />
<strong>convenience fee</strong> &#8211; interest charge<br />
<strong>invest</strong> &#8211; gamble<br />
<strong>margin</strong> &#8211; Where you scribble the latest quotes when you&#8217;re supposed to be listening to your manager&#8217;s presentation.<br />
<strong>misdeeds</strong> &#8211; crimes<br />
<strong>multilevel business partners</strong> &#8211; Suckers<br />
<strong>short position</strong> &#8211; A type of trade where, in theory, a person sells stocks he doesn&#8217;t actually own. Since this also only ever works in theory, a short position is what a person usually ends up being in (i.e., &#8220;The rent, sir? Hahaha, well, I&#8217;m a little short this month.&#8221;).<br />
<strong>stock</strong> &#8211; A magical piece of paper that is worth $33.75 until the moment you buy it. It will then be worth $8.50.<br />
<strong>stock-market correction</strong> &#8211; crash<br />
<strong>yak</strong> &#8211; What you do into a pail when you discover your stocks have plunged and your broker is making a margin call.</p>
<p><img src="http://www.opusforfour.com/files/bar.png" alt="" /></p>
<h2><a name="techads"></a>Common phrases in technology advertising</h2>
<p><em>all new</em> &#8211; parts not interchangeable with previous model<br />
<em>convenient online support</em> &#8211; we&#8217;ve found it very convenient to ignore messages there!<br />
<em>fourth generation product</em> &#8211; the first three were stillborn<br />
<em>free updates</em> &#8211; we&#8217;re done with it; no more revisions<br />
<em>improved documentation</em> &#8211; this time we told you how to install it<br />
<em>industry leader</em> &#8211; no one else had the guts to sell it at this price, but we know you&#8217;ll be suckered<br />
<em>rated &#8220;best buy&#8221; by x</em> &#8211; we pay a lot of money for expensive ads<br />
<em>scheduled release date</em> &#8211; a carefully calculated date determined by estimating the actual shipping date and subtracting six months from it<br />
<em>unlimited license</em> &#8211; we don&#8217;t give you any rights to it at all</p>
<p><img src="http://www.opusforfour.com/files/bar.png" alt="" /></p>
<h2><a name="cars"></a>Automotive industry acronyms</h2>
<p><strong>ACURA</strong></p>
<p>All Cars Usually Require Adjustment<br />
Americans Can Underestimate Routine Accidents<br />
Any Child Understands Real Automobiles<br />
Automobile Causes Universal Road Accidents<br />
Awful, Crappy, Unreliable, Rusty Automobile</p>
<p><strong>AUDI</strong></p>
<p>Accelerates Under Demonic Influence<br />
Always Unsafe Designs Implemented</p>
<p><strong>BEETLE</strong></p>
<p>Battered Everywhere, Expect To Lose Engine</p>
<p><strong>BMW</strong></p>
<p>Babbling Mechanical Wench<br />
Bastard Money Wielders<br />
Beastly Monstrous Wonder<br />
Beautiful Masterpieces on Wheels<br />
Beautiful Mechanical Wonder<br />
Big Money Waster<br />
Big Money Works<br />
Blasphemous Motorized Wreck<br />
Born Moderately Wealthy<br />
Break My Windows<br />
Broken Money Waster<br />
Broken Monstrous Wonder<br />
Brutal Money Waster<br />
Bumbling Mechanical Wretch<br />
Bring Money With you<br />
Bought My Wife</p>
<p><strong>BUICK</strong></p>
<p>Big Ugly Import Car Killer<br />
Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer<br />
Built Under Inspection of Cooky Korean</p>
<p><strong>CAMARO</strong></p>
<p>Can&#8217;t America Make A Real One?</p>
<p><strong>CHEVROLET</strong></p>
<p>Crappy Hot-Running Engines, Very Rusted Out, Lose Every Time<br />
Car Has Extensive Valve Rattle On Long Extended Trips<br />
Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips<br />
Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time</p>
<p><strong>CHEVY</strong></p>
<p>Charged Heavily<br />
Cheapest Heap Ever enVisioned Yet</p>
<p><strong>CHRYSLER</strong></p>
<p>Car Having Really Yucky Stupid Lazy Engine Runs<br />
Could Have Remained Your Sickly Lame Elderly Relative&#8217;s</p>
<p><strong>CITROEN</strong></p>
<p>Crap Interior Terrible Road-holding Owned Entirely by Nutters</p>
<p><strong>DATSUN</strong></p>
<p>Detroit&#8217;s Angry Towards Sneaky Unscrupulous Nips</p>
<p><strong>DODGE</strong></p>
<p>Dead Or Dying Garbage Emitter<br />
Dem Old Dudes Go Everywhere<br />
Drips Oil, Drops Grease, Everywhere</p>
<p><strong>FIAT</strong></p>
<p>Failure In Automotive Technology<br />
Feeble Italian Attempt at Transportation<br />
Fix It Again Tony<br />
Fix It All the Time</p>
<p><strong>FORD</strong></p>
<p>(backwards) Driver Returns On Foot<br />
First On Recall Day<br />
First On Race Day<br />
Fix Or Repair Daily<br />
Found On Road Dead<br />
Fraternal Order of Restored DeSoto&#8217;s<br />
First On Rust and Deterioration<br />
Fault Of R&amp;D<br />
Fast Only Rolling Downhill<br />
Features O.J. and Ron&#8217;s DNA</p>
<p><strong>G.T.I.</strong></p>
<p>Got Tossers Inside</p>
<p><strong>GM</strong></p>
<p>General Mistake<br />
Grungy Merchandise<br />
General Maintenance</p>
<p><strong>GMC</strong></p>
<p>Garage Man&#8217;s Companion<br />
Generally Mediocre Cars<br />
Got Mechanic Coming<br />
Got More Crap</p>
<p><strong>HONDA</strong></p>
<p>Hand Over Dollars to Asians<br />
Helping Out Nips Destroying America<br />
Hold Overs Not Doing Anything<br />
Had One Never Did Again</p>
<p><strong>HYUNDAI</strong></p>
<p>Hope You Understand Nothing&#8217;s Driveable And Inexpensive</p>
<p><strong>JAGUAR</strong></p>
<p>Jews And Germans Usually Argue Retail</p>
<p><strong>JEEP</strong></p>
<p>Jinxed Engine has Extra Parts<br />
Jump Excitedly in Every Pothole<br />
Jumps Everything Ever Parked<br />
Junk Electrical and Emissions Parts<br />
Junk Everyone Eyes for Parts<br />
Just Eat Every Pickle</p>
<p><strong>MAZDA</strong></p>
<p>Model All Zoids Drive Aimlessly<br />
Making A Zillion Dollars Annually<br />
Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along</p>
<p><strong>MOPAR</strong></p>
<p>Mitsubishi&#8217;s Over Priced American Replicars<br />
Most Often Passed At Races<br />
Mostly Old Paint And Rust<br />
Mostly Old Parts And Rust</p>
<p><strong>NAPA</strong></p>
<p>Never Any Parts Available</p>
<p><strong>NISSAN</strong></p>
<p>Nasty Import Sucks Savings Away to Nippon</p>
<p><strong>OLDSMOBILE</strong></p>
<p>Old Loose Dented Sheet Metal Outdated By Infamies Like Edsel<br />
Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Every day<br />
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick&#8217;s Irregular Leftover Equipment</p>
<p><strong>PINTO</strong></p>
<p>Put In New Transmission Often</p>
<p><strong>PONTIAC</strong></p>
<p>Poor Old Nitwit Thinks Its A Cadilliac</p>
<p><strong>PORSCHE</strong></p>
<p>Phased Out Racer-Still Can&#8217;t Hold Engine<br />
Pulled Over Regularly So Cops Have Enough<br />
Puts Out Really Smoky Carbonate Hazardous Emissions</p>
<p><strong>RENAULT</strong></p>
<p>Retarded Engine No Acceleration Ugly Lump of Trash</p>
<p><strong>SAAB</strong></p>
<p>Swedish Automobile &#8211; Always Broken<br />
Send Another Automobile Back<br />
Swedish Automobiles Always Break down</p>
<p><strong>STP</strong></p>
<p>Stop Those Pistons</p>
<p><strong>SUBARU</strong></p>
<p>Send Undercover Boat And Radioactive Uranium</p>
<p><strong>TOYOTA</strong></p>
<p>Taking Our Yen Out &#8212; Thanks All<br />
Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto</p>
<p><strong>TRIUMPH</strong></p>
<p>The Risk Involving Useless Machinery Pays Heavily</p>
<p><strong>VOLVO</strong></p>
<p>Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object</p>
<p><strong>VW</strong></p>
<p>Very Worthless<br />
Virtually Worthless</p>
<p><img src="http://www.opusforfour.com/files/bar.png" alt="" /></p>
<h2><a name="mistake"></a>What mistake?</h2>
<p>If a barber makes a mistake, it&#8217;s a new style&#8230;</p>
<p>If a driver makes a mistake, it&#8217;s an accident&#8230;</p>
<p>If a engineer makes a mistake, it&#8217;s a new venture&#8230;</p>
<p>If parents make a mistake, it&#8217;s a new generation&#8230;</p>
<p>If a politician makes a mistake, it&#8217;s a new law&#8230;</p>
<p>If a scientist makes a mistake, it&#8217;s a new invention&#8230;</p>
<p>If a tailor makes a mistake, it&#8217;s a new fashion&#8230;</p>
<p>If a teacher makes a mistake, it&#8217;s a new theory&#8230;</p>
<p>If our boss makes a mistake, it&#8217;s our mistake&#8230;</p>
<p>If an employee makes a mistake, it&#8217;s a MISTAKE!</p>
<p><img src="http://www.opusforfour.com/files/bar.png" alt="" /></p>
<h2><a name="mommy"></a>Mommy, what&#8217;s the definition of&#8230;</h2>
<p>amnesia?<br />
What did you just ask me?</p>
<p>apathy?<br />
I don&#8217;t care.</p>
<p>bigotry?<br />
I&#8217;m not going to tell someone like you.</p>
<p>damnation?<br />
Go to hell!</p>
<p>dyslexia?<br />
Beeing sackwards</p>
<p>egotistical?<br />
I&#8217;m the best person to answer that question.</p>
<p>evasive?<br />
Go do your homework.</p>
<p>flatulent?<br />
That question really stinks!</p>
<p>hostility?<br />
If you ask me just one more question, I&#8217;ll kill you!</p>
<p>ignorance?<br />
I don&#8217;t know.</p>
<p>indifference?<br />
It doesn&#8217;t matter.</p>
<p>influenza?<br />
You&#8217;ve got to be sick to ask me that question.</p>
<p>insomnia?<br />
I stayed awake all last night thinking of the answer.</p>
<p>irreverent?<br />
I swear to God, you ask too many questions!</p>
<p>masturbation?<br />
Your father can handle that question.</p>
<p>narcissism?<br />
Before I answer, tell me, don&#8217;t I look great?</p>
<p>overprotective?<br />
I don&#8217;t know if you&#8217;re ready for the answer.</p>
<p>paranoid?<br />
You probably think I don&#8217;t know the answer, don&#8217;t you?</p>
<p>procrastination?<br />
I&#8217;ll tell you tomorrow.</p>
<p>repetitive?<br />
I already told you the answer once before.</p>
<p>self-centered?<br />
Well, I know the answer, that&#8217;s all that matters.</p>
<p>suspicious?<br />
Why are you asking me all these questions?</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
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		<title>MARRIAGE</title>
		<link>http://avidtravellerz.wordpress.com/2010/07/24/marriage/</link>
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		<pubDate>Sat, 24 Jul 2010 08:08:29 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>avidtravellerz</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Uncategorized]]></category>

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		<description><![CDATA[When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I&#8217;ve got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes. Suddenly I didn&#8217;t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I [...]<img alt="" border="0" src="http://stats.wordpress.com/b.gif?host=avidtravellerz.wordpress.com&amp;blog=8543257&amp;post=59&amp;subd=avidtravellerz&amp;ref=&amp;feed=1" width="1" height="1" />]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p>When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I&#8217;ve got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.</p>
<p>Suddenly I didn&#8217;t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.</p>
<p>She didn&#8217;t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?</p>
<p>I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn&#8217;t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn&#8217;t love her anymore. I just pitied her!</p>
<p>With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.</p>
<p>She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.</p>
<p>The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn&#8217;t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane.</p>
<p>When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.</p>
<p>In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn&#8217;t want anything from me, but needed a month&#8217;s notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month&#8217;s time and she didn&#8217;t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.</p>
<p>This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.</p>
<p>She requested that every day for the month&#8217;s duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.</p>
<p>I told Jane about my wife&#8217;s divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.</p>
<p>My wife and I hadn&#8217;t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don&#8217;t tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside<br />
the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.</p>
<p>On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn&#8217;t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.</p>
<p>On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.</p>
<p>On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn&#8217;t tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.</p>
<p>She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.</p>
<p>Suddenly it hit me&#8230; she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.</p>
<p>Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it&#8217;s time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.</p>
<p>But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn&#8217;t noticed that our life lacked intimacy.</p>
<p>I drove to office&#8230;. jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind&#8230;I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.</p>
<p>She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won&#8217;t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn&#8217;t value the details of our lives, not because we didn&#8217;t love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.</p>
<p>Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.</p>
<p>At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I&#8217;ll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.</p>
<p>That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed &#8211; dead.<br />
My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push thru with the divorce.&#8211; At least, in the eyes of our son&#8212; I&#8217;m a loving husband&#8230;.</p>
<p>The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse&#8217;s friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!</p>
<p>If you don&#8217;t share this, nothing will happen to you.</p>
<p>If you do, you just might save a marriage.<br />
Many of life&#8217;s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.</p>
<p>A CHRIST-CENTERED MARRIAGE IS A MARRIAGE THAT IS SURE TO LAST A LIFETIME.</p>
<p>So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate. Matthew 19:6</p>
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		<title>Interesting Facts</title>
		<link>http://avidtravellerz.wordpress.com/2010/06/12/interesting-facts/</link>
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		<pubDate>Sat, 12 Jun 2010 14:27:08 +0000</pubDate>
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		<description><![CDATA[The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket. The military salute originated during the medieval times. Knights in armor used to raise their visors to reveal their identity, and the motion later evolved into the modern-day salute. The Mills Brothers have recorded the [...]<img alt="" border="0" src="http://stats.wordpress.com/b.gif?host=avidtravellerz.wordpress.com&amp;blog=8543257&amp;post=57&amp;subd=avidtravellerz&amp;ref=&amp;feed=1" width="1" height="1" />]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<ul>
<li>The      microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a      chocolate bar melted in his pocket.</li>
<li>The      military salute originated during the medieval times. Knights in armor      used to raise their visors to reveal their identity, and the motion later      evolved into the modern-day salute.</li>
<li>The      Mills Brothers have recorded the most songs of any artist: about 2,250.</li>
<li>The      minarets ofthe Taj Mahal in India are angled at 88 degrees outwards so      that they would not collapse into the structure should an earthquake      occur. Read more after the break&#8230;</li>
<li>The      minimum number of darts that need to be thrown to complete a single in,      double out game of 501 is nine.</li>
<li>The      Miss America Contest was created in Atlantic        City in 1921 with the purpose of extending the      tourist season beyond Labor Day.</li>
<li>The      model of King Kong used in the original movie was only 18 inches tall.</li>
<li>The      modern Olympic Games were held in the first time in 1896 at Athens and were then followed by the 1900 Paris games. The      winter games were added in 1924.</li>
<li>The      mola mola or ocean sunfish lays up to 5,000,000 eggs at one time.</li>
<li>The      Mona Lisa, by daVinci, is 2&#8217;6&#8243; by 1&#8217;9&#8243;.</li>
<li>The      Mona-Lisa, now hanging in the Louvre museum in Paris, is valued today at $100,000,000.</li>
<li>The      monastic hours are matins, lauds, prime, tierce, sext, nones, vespers and      compline.</li>
<li>The      Montreal Canadians of the mid-1950s are the only team to win five straight      Stanley Cup championships.</li>
<li>The      Monty Python movie &#8220;The Life of Brian&#8221; was banned in Scotland.</li>
<li>The      moon actually has mirrors on it. They were left there by astronauts who      wanted to bounce laser beams off them, so that the distance to the moon      can be measured.</li>
<li>The      most abundant metal in the Earth&#8217;s crust is aluminum.</li>
<li>The      most collect calls are made on father&#8217;s day.</li>
<li>The      most common blood type in the world is Type O. The rarest, Type A-H, has      been found in less than a dozen people since the type was discovered.</li>
<li>The      most common disease in the world is tooth &#8211; decay.</li>
<li>The      most common injury in bowling is a sore thumb.</li>
<li>The      most common street name in the United States is Second Street.      First Street      isn&#8217;t first because many times the designation is replaced with the name Main Street.</li>
<li>The      most expensive book or manuscript ever sold at an auction was The Codex      Hammer, a notebook belonging to Leonardo da Vinci. It sold for $30.8      million.</li>
<li>The      most expensive movie memorabilia ever sold at an auction was Clark Gable&#8217;s      Academy Award for It Happened One Night. It sold for$607,500 on December      15, 1996.</li>
<li>The      most expensive painting ever sold at auction was Portrait of Dr. Gachet by      Vincent van Gogh. On May 15, 1990, Ryoei Saito paid $75 million for it. He      followed up that spending spree by paying the second-highest price ever,      $71 million for Au Moulin de la Galette by PierreAuguste Renoir, just two      days later.</li>
<li>The      most frequently seen birds at feeders across North       America last winter were the Dark-eyed Junco, House Finch and      American goldfinch, along with downy woodpeckers, blue jays, mourning      doves, black-capped chickadees, house sparrows, northern cardinals and      european starlings.</li>
<li>The      most searched thing on yahoo.com every year is p0rn.</li>
<li>The      most snow accumulation in a one-day period was 75.8 inches at Silver Lake, Colorado,      in April 1921.</li>
<li>The      most used line in the movies is &#8220;Lets get out of here.&#8221;</li>
<li>The      most widely accepted legend associated to the discovery of coffee is of      the goatherder named Kaldi of Ethiopia. Around the year 800-850 A.D.,      Kaldi was amazed as he noticed his goats behaving in a frisky manner after      eating the leaves and berries of a coffee shrub. And, of course, he had to      try them!</li>
<li>The      most widely culticated fruit in the world is the Apple.The second is the      Pear.</li>
<li>The      motto for the Olympic Games is Citius Altius Fortius. Translated, it means      Faster Higher Stronger.</li>
<li>The      mouse is the most common mammal in the US.</li>
<li>The      movie As Good As It Gets is called Mr. Cat Poop in China.</li>
<li>The      movie Quo Vadis had 30,000 extras.</li>
<li>The Museum of Modern Art      in New York City      hung Matisse&#8217;s &#8216;Le Bateau&#8217; upside-down for 47 days before an art student      noticed the error.</li>
<li>The      muzzle of a lion is like a fingerprint no two lions have the same pattern      of whiskers.</li>
<li>The      nail of our middle finger grows the fastest and the nail of our thumb      grows slowest.</li>
<li>The      name &#8220;Uncle Sam&#8221; for the U.S.      came from a person known as Uncle Sam Wilson of Troy,      NY, who supplied food for the U.S. army      in the war of 1812.</li>
<li>The      name for Oz in the Wizard of Oz was thought up when the creator Frank Baum      looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N and O-Z.</li>
<li>The      name for the middle part of the nose (the part that separates the      nostrils) is called a chaffanu.</li>
<li>The      name &#8216;Intel&#8217; stems from the company&#8217;s former name, &#8216;Integrated      Electronics&#8217;.</li>
<li>The      name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.</li>
<li>The      name of the dog from &#8220;The Grinch Who Stole Christmas&#8221; is Max.</li>
<li>The      name of the dog on the Cracker Jack box is Bingo.</li>
<li>The      name of the first airplane flown at Kitty Hawk      by the Wright Brothers, on December 17, 1903, was Bird of Prey.</li>
<li>The      name of the Russian space station, Mir, means &#8220;peace.&#8221;</li>
<li>The      name Santa Claus is a corruption of the Dutch dialect name for Saint      Nicholas Sint Klass.</li>
<li>The      name Wendy was made up for the book &#8220;Peter Pan&#8221;. There was never      a recorded Wendy before.</li>
<li>The      name Wendy was made up for the book &#8216;Peter Pan&#8217;. It came from the author&#8217;s      friends, whom he called his &#8220;fwendy&#8221; (friend)</li>
<li>The      name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan. There was never a recorded      Wendy before it.</li>
<li>The      nation of Monaco on the      French Riviera, is smaller than Central Park in New York. Monaco      is 370 acres and Central Park is 840      acres.</li>
<li>The      national anthem of Greece      has 158 verses.</li>
<li>The      national dish of Scotland,      haggis, is made of the heart, liver, lungs and small intestines of a calf.      It&#8217;s then boiled in the stomach of the animal, and seasoned with salt,      pepper and onions. Oh, and don&#8217;t forget to add the suet and oatmeal.</li>
<li>The      National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration announced in 1978 that it      would alternate men&#8217;s and women&#8217;s names in the naming of hurricanes. It      was seen as an attempt at fair play. Hurricanes had been named for women      for years, until NOAA succumbed to pressure from women&#8217;s groups who were      demanding that Atlantic storms be given unisex names.</li>
<li>The      national sport of Nauru,      a small Pacific island, is lassoing flying birds.</li>
<li>The      Navy SEALs were formed in 1962.</li>
<li>The      Neanderthal&#8217;s brain was bigger than yours is.</li>
<li>The      nearest relative of the hippopotamus is the common pig.</li>
<li>The Netherlands      is the lowest country in the world. An estimated 40% of its land is below      sea level.</li>
<li>The      New York City Chamber of Commerce is the oldest</li>
<li>chamber      of commerce in the United        States. King George III granted a royal      charter for it in 1770.</li>
<li>The New York phone book      had 22 Hitlers listed before World War II .. and none after.</li>
<li>The      New York Yankees have won the most champoinships (26 times) in their      respected sport (MLB, NBA, NHL, NFL) for any professional sports team.</li>
<li>The Nile catfish swim upside down.</li>
<li>The      number 111,111,111 multiplied by itself will result in the number      12,345,678,987,654,321.</li>
<li>The      number 2,520 can be divided by 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, and 10 without      having a fractional leftover.</li>
<li>The      number 37 will wholly divide (no decimals) into 111, 222, 333, 444, 555,      666, 777, 888, and 999.</li>
<li>The      number of atoms in a pound of iron is nearly five trillion trillion:      4,891,500,000,000,000,000,000,000.</li>
<li>The      number of cricket chirps you count in a fifteen-second span, plus 37, will      tell you the approximate current air temperature.</li>
<li>The      number of possible ways of playing just the first four moves on each side      in a game of chess is 318,979,564,000.</li>
<li>The      number of times a drowning person will rise to the surface depends on how      much air is in his lungs. He could rise once, twice, or five times. Or not      at all. Obese people will stay afloat longer than skinny people because      fat contains air molecules.</li>
<li>The      number of triplets born in the US in 1994 (4,594) was more      than triple the number born in 1971 (1,034), an increase attributed to      older age of the mothers and the use of fertility-enhancing drugs and      techniques.</li>
<li>The      number of VCRs in the United        States grew from 52,565,000 in 1987 to      86,825,000 in 1997, a 39.5% increase.</li>
<li>The      numbers &#8220;172&#8243; can be found on the back of a US $5 bill, in the      bushes at the base of the Lincoln      memorial.</li>
<li>The      numbers 111 222 333 444 555 666 777 888 999 are all multiples of 37.</li>
<li>The      numbers on opposite sides of a die always add up to seven.</li>
<li>The      nursery rhyme Ring Around the Rosy is a rhyme about the plague. Infected      people with the plague would get red circular sores (&#8220;Ring around the      rosy&#8230;&#8221;), these sores would smell very badly so common folks would      put flowers on their bodies somewhere (inconspicuously), so that it would      cover the smell of the sores (&#8220;&#8230;a pocket full of posies&#8230;&#8221;),      People who died from the plague would be burned so as to reduce the      possible spread of the disease (&#8220;&#8230;ashes, ashes, we all fall      down!&#8221;)</li>
<li>The      Oblivion ride at Alton       Towers has a G-force      of 5. Thats higher than the G-force of an average NASA take-off!</li>
<li>The      occupations of the three men in a tub were butcher, baker, and candlestick      maker.</li>
<li>The      odds against a royal flush in poker are exactly 649,739 to 1.</li>
<li>The      odds of being born male are about 51.2%, according to census.</li>
<li>The      official definition of a desert is any land that where more water      evaporates than is acquired through precipitation.</li>
<li>The      official name of the St. Louis Gateway Arch is &#8220;The Jefferson      National Expansion Monument.&#8221; The Gateway Arch looks taller than it      is wider, but it is exactly 630 feet by 630 feet.</li>
<li>The      official sport for the State of Maryland      is jousting.</li>
<li>The      official state song of Georgia      since 1922 has been &#8220;Georgia      on My Mind&#8221;.</li>
<li>The Ohio river forms at the confluence of the Allegheny      and the Monongahela.</li>
<li>The      oiuja board was invented by Isaac and William Fuld, and was patented July      1, 1892.</li>
<li>The      oldest &#8220;cricket&#8221; match was played between the USA and Canada in 1844.</li>
<li>The      oldest continuous comic strip still in existence is The Katzenjammer Kids.      It first appeared in newspapers in 1897.</li>
<li>The      oldest exposed surface on earth is New Zealand&#8217;s south island.</li>
<li>The      oldest goldfish lived for 14,795 days.</li>
<li>The      oldest living thing in existence is not a giant redwood, but a bristlecone      pine in the White Mountains of California, dated to be aged 4,600 years      old.</li>
<li>The      oldest man-made building of any kind still existing is the central edifice      of the 4,600-year-old mastaba (a tomb for kings) built at Sakkara, Egypt. It was created to honor      King Zoser, the first ruler of the Third Dynasty.</li>
<li>The      oldest musical instrument is probably the flute. It&#8217;s been discovered that      primitive cave dwellers made an instrument from bamboo or some other small      hollow wood.</li>
<li>The      oldest person to live was Jeanne Louise Calment, she lived for a whopping      122 years until she died of sm0king related complications. Don&#8217;t Sm0ke!</li>
<li>The      oldest recorded document on paper made from fibrous material was a deed of      King Roger of Sicily,      in the year 1102.</li>
<li>The      oldest tennis court in the world is the one built at Hampton Court in 1530 for Henry      VIII.</li>
<li>The      oldest works of art are pictures of animals found in caves in Spain and France. They have been dates      as far back as 18,000 years ago.</li>
<li>The      olive branch in the eagle&#8217;s right talon has 13 leaves.</li>
<li>The      Olympic Games were held in St.        Louis, MO. In      1904, the first time that the games were held in the United States.</li>
<li>The      Olympic was the sister ship of the Titanic, and she provided twenty-five      years of service.</li>
<li>The      only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is      &#8220;uncopyrightable&#8221;!</li>
<li>The      only animals that can naturally sleep on their backs are humans. No other      animal actually does&#8211;apes usually sleep sitting up and leaning on      something.</li>
<li>The      only big cat that doesn&#8217;t roar is a Jaguar.</li>
<li>The      only bird that can fly backwards is the hummingbird.</li>
<li>The      only bird that cannot fly is the penguin.</li>
<li>The      only bone in the human body not connected to another is the hyoid, a      V-shaped bone located at the base of the tongue between the mandible and      the voice box. Its function is to support the tongue and its muscles.</li>
<li>The      only bone not broken so far during any ski accident is one located in the      inner ear.</li>
<li>The      only continent without reptiles or snakes is Antarctica.</li>
<li>The      only countries in the world with one syllable in their names are Chad, France,      Greece, and Spain.</li>
<li>The      only difference between brown eyes and every other colored eyes is that      brown eyes have more pigment.</li>
<li>The      only dog to ever appear in a Shakespearean play was Crab in The Two      Gentlemen of Verona.</li>
<li>The      only domestic animal not mentioned in the Bible is the cat.</li>
<li>The      only father and son to hit back-to-back home runs in a major league      baseball game: Ken Griffey, Jr., and his father, Ken Griffey, Sr., both of      the Seattle Mariners in a game against the California Angels on September      14th, 1990.</li>
<li>The      only food cockroaches won&#8217;t eat are cucumbers.</li>
<li>The      only jointless bone in your body is the hyoid bone in your throat.</li>
<li>The      only loss Packers&#8217; coach Vince Lombardi ever suffered in the postseason      was to the Philadelphia Eagles, 17-13, in the 1960 NFL championship game.</li>
<li>The      only member of the British House of Commons who is not allowed to speak is      the man called the Speaker of the House.</li>
<li>The      only MLB team to have both its city&#8217;s name and its team name in a foreign      language is the San Diego Padres.</li>
<li>The      only mobile national monuments in the United       States are the cable cars in San Francisco.</li>
<li>The      only one of his sculptures that Michelangelo signed was the &#8220;The      Pieta,&#8221; completed in 1500.</li>
<li>The      only painting by Leonardo da Vinci on permanent display in the United States hangs in the National Gallery      in Washington, D.C. It&#8217;s a portrait of Ginevra di      Benci, the wife of a politician in Florence.</li>
<li>The      only president buried in Washington,       D.C. proper: Woodrow Wilson,      who was laid to rest in the National Cathedral.</li>
<li>The      only president buried on the grounds of a state capitol: James Polk in Nashville, Tenn.</li>
<li>The      only President in office to weigh less than 100 pounds was James Madison.</li>
<li>The      only President to be head of a labor union was Ronald Reagan.</li>
<li>The      only presidents buried together: John Adams and his son John Quincy Adams      are in a basement crypt in Quincy,       Mass.</li>
<li>The      only real person to be a PEZ head was Betsy Ross.</li>
<li>The      only repealed amendment to the US Constitution deals with the prohibition      of alcohol.</li>
<li>The      only rock that floats in water is pumice.</li>
<li>The      only state allowed to fly its flag at the same height as the U.S. flag is Texas.</li>
<li>The      only three non-Presidents pictured on U.S. paper money are:      Alexander Hamilton on the $10 bill, Benjamin Franklin on the $100 bill,      and Salmon Chase on the $10,000 bill.</li>
<li>The      only time the human population declined was in the years following 1347,      the start of the epidemic of the plague &#8216;Black Death&#8217; in Europe.</li>
</ul>
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		<title>Cup Lesson</title>
		<link>http://avidtravellerz.wordpress.com/2010/05/16/cup-lesson/</link>
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		<pubDate>Sun, 16 May 2010 09:03:13 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>avidtravellerz</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Uncategorized]]></category>

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		<description><![CDATA[A group of working adults got together to visit their University lecturer. The lecturer was happy to see them. Conversation soon turned into complaints about stress in work and life. The Lecturer just smiled and went to the kitchen to get an assortment of cups &#8211; some porcelain, some in plastic, some in glass, some [...]<img alt="" border="0" src="http://stats.wordpress.com/b.gif?host=avidtravellerz.wordpress.com&amp;blog=8543257&amp;post=53&amp;subd=avidtravellerz&amp;ref=&amp;feed=1" width="1" height="1" />]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p><strong>A group of working adults got together to visit their University<br />
lecturer. The lecturer was happy to see them. Conversation soon turned<br />
into complaints about stress in work and life.</strong></p>
<p><strong>The Lecturer just smiled and went to the kitchen to get an<br />
assortment of cups &#8211; some porcelain, some in plastic, some in glass,<br />
some plain looking and some looked rather expensive and exquisite.</p>
<p>The Lecturer offered his former students the cups to get drinks<br />
for themselves.</p>
<p>When all the students had a cup in hand with water, the Lecturer<br />
spoke: &#8220;If you noticed, all the nice looking, expensive cups were taken<br />
up, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is normal that you<br />
only want the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems<br />
and stress. What all you wanted was water, not the cup, but we<br />
unconsciously went for the better cups.&#8221;</p>
<p>&#8220;Just like in life, if Life is Water, then the jobs, money and<br />
position in society are the cups. They are just tools to hold/maintain<br />
Life, but the quality of Life doesn&#8217;t change.&#8221;</p>
<p>&#8220;If we only concentrate on the cup, we won&#8217;t have time to<br />
enjoy/taste the water in it.&#8221;</p>
<p>This is our problem. We are spirit souls and parts and parcel of the lord. We have got this human life to search for our real relationship with Supreme Lord. To remain alive we have to do something to keep the body and soul together. But if we waste our time in indulging in decorating the body and satisfy the senses then we have lost the real taste of water. Krishna says in Bhagavad Gita that He is the taste of water!!</p>
<p></strong></p>
<p><strong>Think about it &#8211; seriously. Do we need expensive cups or pure, tasty, thirst quenching water?<br />
</strong></p>
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		<title>Calendar Trick</title>
		<link>http://avidtravellerz.wordpress.com/2010/05/06/calendar-trick/</link>
		<comments>http://avidtravellerz.wordpress.com/2010/05/06/calendar-trick/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Thu, 06 May 2010 15:04:17 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>avidtravellerz</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Uncategorized]]></category>

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		<description><![CDATA[Ask what, day, month and year the person was born. Then tell them which day of the week this person was born. How to predict the day : Example : Let us assume the person reveals that his date of birth was February 12, 1978. Two formulas are used for prediction : January, October = [...]<img alt="" border="0" src="http://stats.wordpress.com/b.gif?host=avidtravellerz.wordpress.com&amp;blog=8543257&amp;post=51&amp;subd=avidtravellerz&amp;ref=&amp;feed=1" width="1" height="1" />]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p>Ask what, day, month and year the person was born.</p>
<p>Then tell them which day of the week this person was born.</p>
<p>How to predict the day :</p>
<p>Example :  Let us assume the person reveals that his date of birth was February 12, 1978.</p>
<p>Two formulas are used for prediction :</p>
<p>January, October = 0</p>
<p>May = 1</p>
<p>August = 2</p>
<p>February, March, November = 3</p>
<p>June = 4</p>
<p>September, December = 5</p>
<p>April, July = 6</p>
<p>Sunday = 0</p>
<p>Monday = 1</p>
<p>Tuesday = 2</p>
<p>Wednesday = 3</p>
<p>Thursday = 4</p>
<p>Friday = 5</p>
<p>Saturday = 6</p>
<p>1 &#8211; Drop the &#8220;19&#8243; in the year of birth  (1978 becomes 78)</p>
<p>2- Divide this number by 4 and drop the remainder (78 / 4 = 19  remains 2)</p>
<p>3- Add this answer to year of birth  ( 19 + 78 = 97)</p>
<p>4- Add the day of the month of birth to this total (97 + 12 = 109)</p>
<p>5- From the first formula, add the value of the month (February = 3,  109 + 3 = 112)</p>
<p>6- Divide this total by 7 (112 / 7 = 16 remains 0)</p>
<p>7- Take this remainder (0) and apply this number to the days in formula</p>
<p>2)  0 = Sunday</p>
<p>Therefore, he was born on a Sunday.</p>
<p>Go amaze someone!</p>
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		<title>Hillarious —Important Laws Which Newton Forgot !!!!!!</title>
		<link>http://avidtravellerz.wordpress.com/2010/04/02/hillarious-%e2%80%94important-laws-which-newton-forgot/</link>
		<comments>http://avidtravellerz.wordpress.com/2010/04/02/hillarious-%e2%80%94important-laws-which-newton-forgot/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Fri, 02 Apr 2010 07:59:51 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>avidtravellerz</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Uncategorized]]></category>

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		<description><![CDATA[LAW OF QUEUE: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now. LAW OF TELEPHONE: When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged Tone. LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to [...]<img alt="" border="0" src="http://stats.wordpress.com/b.gif?host=avidtravellerz.wordpress.com&amp;blog=8543257&amp;post=50&amp;subd=avidtravellerz&amp;ref=&amp;feed=1" width="1" height="1" />]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<div>
<p><strong><br />
</strong></p>
<p><strong>LAW OF QUEUE:</strong> If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.</p>
<p><strong>LAW OF TELEPHONE</strong>: When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged Tone.</p>
<p><strong>LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR:</strong> After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.</p>
<p><strong>LAW OF THE WORKSHOP</strong>: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.</p>
<p><strong>LAW OF THE ALIBI: </strong>If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.</p>
<p><strong>BATH THEOREM</strong>: When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.</p>
<p><strong>LAW OF ENCOUNTERS</strong>: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.</p>
<p><strong>LAW OF THE RESULT</strong>: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will!</p>
<p><strong>LAW OF BIOMECHANICS:</strong> The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.</p>
<p><strong>THEATER RULE:</strong> People with the seats at the furthest from the aisle arrive last.</p>
<p><strong>LAW OF COFFEE</strong>: As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.</p>
</div>
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		<title>Why we love MOM</title>
		<link>http://avidtravellerz.wordpress.com/2010/03/18/why-we-love-mom/</link>
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		<pubDate>Thu, 18 Mar 2010 07:28:00 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>avidtravellerz</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[Uncategorized]]></category>

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		<description><![CDATA[Why we love MOM Mom and Dad were watching TV when Mom said, &#8216;I&#8217;m tired, and it&#8217;s getting late. I think I&#8217;ll go to bed&#8217;. She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the next day&#8217;s lunches.Rinsed out the popcorn bowls,took meat out of the freezer for supper the following evening, checked the cereal [...]<img alt="" border="0" src="http://stats.wordpress.com/b.gif?host=avidtravellerz.wordpress.com&amp;blog=8543257&amp;post=48&amp;subd=avidtravellerz&amp;ref=&amp;feed=1" width="1" height="1" />]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<div id="_mcePaste">Why we love MOM</div>
<div id="_mcePaste">Mom and Dad were watching TV when Mom said, &#8216;I&#8217;m tired, and it&#8217;s getting late. I think I&#8217;ll go to bed&#8217;.</div>
<div id="_mcePaste">She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the next day&#8217;s lunches.Rinsed out the popcorn bowls,took meat out of the freezer for supper the following evening, checked the cereal box levels, filled the sugarcontainer, put spoons and bowls on the table and started the coffee pot for brewing the next morning.She then put some wet clothes in the dryer, put a load of clothes into the washer , ironed a shirt and secured a loose button. She picked up the  game pieces left on the table, put the phone back on the charger and put the telephone book into the drawer.She watered the plants, emptied a wastebasket and hung up a towel to dry.</div>
<div id="_mcePaste">She yawned and stretched and headed for the bedroom. She stopped by the desk, wrote a note to the teacher,counted out some cash for the field trip, and pulled a text book out from hiding under the chair</div>
<div id="_mcePaste">She signed a birthday card for a friend, addressed and stamped the envelope and wrote a quick note for the grocery store. She put both near her purse.</div>
<div id="_mcePaste">Mom then washed her face with 3 in 1 cleanser, put on her Night solution &amp; age fighting moisturiz er, brushed and flossed her teeth and filed her nails..</div>
<div id="_mcePaste">Dad called out, &#8216;I thought you were going to bed&#8230;&#8217;</div>
<div id="_mcePaste">&#8216;I&#8217;m on my way,&#8217; she said</div>
<div id="_mcePaste">She put some water into the dog&#8217;s dishthen made sure the doors were locked and the patio light was on.</div>
<div id="_mcePaste">She looked in on each of the kids and turned out their bedside lamps and TV&#8217;s , hung up a shirt,threw some dirty socks into the hamper, and had a brief conversation with the one up still doing homework. In her own room, she set the alarm ; laid out clothing for the next day, straightened up the shoe rack. She added three things to her 6 most important things to do list. She said her prayers, and visualized the accomplishment of her goals.</div>
<div id="_mcePaste">About that time, Dad turned off the TV and announced to no one in particular. &#8216;I&#8217;m going to bed&#8217;</div>
<div id="_mcePaste">And he did. without another thought.</div>
<div id="_mcePaste">Anything extraordinary here? Wonder why women live longer&#8230;?</div>
<div id="_mcePaste">Cause we are made for the long haul&#8230;.(and we can&#8217;t die sooner, we still have things to do!!!!)</div>
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		<title>Get Rid of the Stress</title>
		<link>http://avidtravellerz.wordpress.com/2009/12/03/get-rid-of-the-stress/</link>
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		<pubDate>Thu, 03 Dec 2009 13:47:59 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>avidtravellerz</dc:creator>
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		<description><![CDATA[Study this small story, Hope that makes a BIG change in YOU Study this small story, Hope that makes a BIG change in YOU Professor began his class by holding up a glass with some water in it. He held it up for all to see &#38; asked the students “How much do you think this [...]<img alt="" border="0" src="http://stats.wordpress.com/b.gif?host=avidtravellerz.wordpress.com&amp;blog=8543257&amp;post=44&amp;subd=avidtravellerz&amp;ref=&amp;feed=1" width="1" height="1" />]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<div id="_mcePaste">Study this small story,</div>
<div id="_mcePaste">Hope that makes a BIG change in YOU</div>
<p>Study this small story, Hope that makes a BIG change in YOU</p>
<p>Professor began his class by holding up a glass with some water in it.</p>
<p>He held it up for all to see &amp; asked the students</p>
<p>“How much do you think this glass weighs?”</p>
<p>&#8217;50gms!&#8217; &#8230;. &#8217;100gms!&#8217; &#8230;..&#8217;125gms&#8217;</p>
<p>..the students answered.</p>
<p>“I really don&#8217;t know unless I weigh it,” said the professor, “but, my question is:</p>
<p>What would happen if I held it up like this for a few minutes?”</p>
<p>&#8216;Nothing&#8217; …..the students said.</p>
<p>&#8216;Ok what would happen if I held it up like this for an hour?&#8217; the professor asked.</p>
<p>&#8216;Your arm would begin to ache&#8217; said one of the student</p>
<p>“You&#8217;re right, now what would happen if I held it for a day?”</p>
<p>“Your arm could go numb, you might have severe muscle stress &amp; paralysis &amp; have to go to hospital for sure!”</p>
<p>….. ventured another student &amp; all the students laughed</p>
<p>“Very good.</p>
<p>But during all this, did the weight of the glass change?”</p>
<p>asked the professor.</p>
<p>&#8216;No‘…. Was the answer</p>
<p>“Then what caused the arm ache &amp; the muscle stress?”</p>
<p>The students were puzzled.</p>
<p>“What should I do now to come out of pain?” asked professor again.</p>
<p>“Put the glass down!” said one of the students</p>
<p>“Exactly!” said the professor.</p>
<p>Life&#8217;s problems are something like this.</p>
<p>Hold it for a few minutes in your head &amp; they seem OK.</p>
<p>Think of them for a long time &amp; they begin to ache.</p>
<p>Hold it even longer &amp; they begin to paralyze you. You will not be able to do anything.</p>
<p>It&#8217;s important to think of the challenges or problems in your life,</p>
<p>but EVEN MORE IMPORTANT is to ‘PUT THEM DOWN&#8217; at the end of every day before You go to sleep.</p>
<p>That way, you are not stressed, you wake up every day fresh &amp;strong &amp; can handle any issue, any challenge that comes your way!</p>
<p>So, When you leave office today,</p>
<p>Remember friend to</p>
<p>&#8216;PUT THE GLASS DOWN TODAY! &#8216;</p>
<p>Study this small story,Hope that makes a BIG change in YOU</p>
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		<title>God is There</title>
		<link>http://avidtravellerz.wordpress.com/2009/11/24/god-is-there/</link>
		<comments>http://avidtravellerz.wordpress.com/2009/11/24/god-is-there/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Tue, 24 Nov 2009 07:31:04 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>avidtravellerz</dc:creator>
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		<description><![CDATA[&#160; This is one of the best explanations of why God allows pain and suffering that We all have seen&#8230; A man went to a barbershop to have his hair cut and his beard trimmed. As the barber began to work, they began to have a good conversation. They talked about so many things and [...]<img alt="" border="0" src="http://stats.wordpress.com/b.gif?host=avidtravellerz.wordpress.com&amp;blog=8543257&amp;post=35&amp;subd=avidtravellerz&amp;ref=&amp;feed=1" width="1" height="1" />]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p>&nbsp;</p>
<div><span style="font-family:'Times New Roman';"><span style="font-size:small;"></p>
<div>This is one of the best explanations of why God allows pain and suffering that We all have seen&#8230;</div>
<div>A man went to a barbershop to have his hair cut and his beard trimmed. As the barber began to work, they began to have a good conversation.</div>
<div>They talked about so many things and various subjects.</div>
<div>When they eventually touched on the subject of God, the barber said: &#8220;I don&#8217;t believe that God exists.&#8221;</div>
<div>&#8220;Why do you say that?&#8221; asked the customer.</div>
<div>&#8220;Well, you just have to go out in the street to realize that God doesn&#8217;t exist,Tell me, if God exists, would there be so many sick people? Would there be abandoned children? If God existed, there would be neither suffering nor pain. I can&#8217;t imagine a loving God who would allow all of these things.</div>
<div>The customer thought for a moment, but didn&#8217;t respond because he didn&#8217;t want to start an argument.The barber finished his job and the customer left the shop.</div>
<div>Just after he left the barbershop, he saw a man in the street with long, stringy, dirty hair and an untrimmed beard. He looked dirty and unkempt. The customer turned back and entered the barber shop again and he said to the barber:</div>
<div>&#8220;You know what? Barbers do not exist.&#8221;</div>
<div>&#8220;How can you say that?&#8221; asked the surprised barber.</div>
<div>&#8220;I am here, and I am a barber. And I just worked on you!&#8221;</div>
<div>&#8220;No!&#8221; the customer exclaimed. &#8220;Barbers don&#8217;t exist because if they did, there would be no people with dirty long hair and untrimmed beards, like that man outside.&#8221;</div>
<div>&#8220;Ah, but barbers DO exist! That&#8217;s what happens when people do not come to me.&#8221;</div>
<div>&#8220;Exactly!&#8221; affirmed the customer. &#8220;That&#8217;s the point!God, too, DOES exist! That&#8217;s what happens when people do not go to Him and don&#8217;t look to Him for help. That&#8217;s why there&#8217;s so much pain and suffering in the world.&#8221;</div>
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<p></span></span></div>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
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